last week was the worst. i might be making dramatic changes for the future, and paws took one step closer to death on saturday, but panic attacks continued to stem from trivial or unreasonable situations. there was a lack of investment toward those panicked episodes, and it was disturbed in how they flourished while i actively stated the contradiction. consider how physically intense these panic attacks can be. my nourishment process assumes unwavering allegiance to ritual, but this week my body weight is down a solid four pounds.
one example of a situation inspiring both trivial and unreasonable panic attacks:
at a self-serve kiosk, i sent three letters out by usps certified mail. each transaction produced a receipt and tracking number. after four business days, the only update in the tracking system detailed how postage had been produced at the kiosk but that facility had not scanned or confirmed receiving the items. after seven days, the tracking system finally took note that one letter had entered the system. the usps is historically inferior in regard to this process and the addressees all know this. this lack of information was a real concern, but trivial. given the time span, i didn't care too much, but panic ensued.
the typical fears promoted that *this was a horrible situation* and it could not be rectified had the envelopes actually gone missing. for instance, introversion would restrict me from contacting the recipients in a timely manner, and i would not be able to attend to anything which needed to be done alone or out of the house. it was also perceived to be financially disastrous to reproduce the contents in those envelopes. this panic was very unreasonable to me-- my argument being rooted in my consistent documentation of an ability to thrive.
lately, the counter exchange from anxiety or fear has been that 'the ability to get out there and engage on profound levels' does not confirm the capacity to continue. my production is ordinarily all or nothing, which definitely allows for a return to complete isolation. i *should* worry about any project attempted, even the simple posting of letters, because there *is* the potential for me to withdraw and not attend to any disaster.
this perspective from anxiety is the kind of crap that will dissolve when discarding disability (by signing on to, and then succeeding at full-time, out of the house employment). this process of redefinition will draw out the endless spectrum of uncertainties and possibilities. the anxiety over 'taking a job outside of the house' and then eventually 'living without the pathological doubt' is expected to be huge.
lately, i do not feel nervous whatsoever about redefining myself and/or what happens upon employment, but know the fear/anxiety is gigantic.
it must be here-- misdirected and protective.
perhaps, interpretable:
anxiety has been focusing on anything and everything aside from the great fear of working outside of my home on a daily basis... it stresses over looks from a stranger... the particular word a person chose to use.... but consider those somewhat squashed emotions which stand behind the detail of the notoriously non-updated usps tracking system.
it felt like i was panicking about the postal service.
the potential for ________, _______, and __________.
all of that doubt.
i was probably panicking about "what it is going to mean to leave all of these doubts and fears behind... these fears have been my constant... what is it going to be like to live without them... what can possibly be intense enough to replace all of
that... the way i go about thinking and then reacting to everything is about to change... but to what?"
since my 'constant' is about to confirm a radical level of freedom, and then depart without definitive replacement, of course 'anything and everything' has room right now to panic. with this job ("confirmation that i no longer need to act as though i may succumb to housebound agoraphobia at any moment") the way i will go about each seemingly meaningless situation and transaction will be different. i cannot know what it will be like to live without that stress. those answers are neither available nor can they be accurately articulated. lately, my anxiety is everywhere-- and it appears that it should be.
now, if the chaos from the last week is translated and accountable, to what extent can it continue?