last week was the worst. i may be saving for dramatic changes, and paws took one step closer to death on saturday, but panic attacks continued to stem from trivial and unreasonable situations. there has been a lack of investment toward these panicked episodes, and therefore it's pretty disturbing to watch their flourish while i actively state the contradiction. consider how physically intense these panic attacks can be-- my nourishment process assumes unwavering allegiance to ritual, but this week my body weight is down a solid four pounds.
one example of a situation inspiring both trivial and unreasonable panic attacks:
at a self-serve kiosk at the post office, i sent three letters out using certified mail. each of these transactions produced a receipt and tracking number. this was not a new machine, and there was no question as to whether or not i was buying the correct mailing options.
after four business days, the only update in the usps tracking system stated that postage had been produced at the kiosk, but the facility had yet to scan in or confirm any receipt of the items.
after seven days, the tracking system finally took note that one of these letters had entered the system. the usps is historically inferior in regard to this process and the addressees all know this. this lack of updated information was a real concern, but trivial. given the time span, i didn't care too much, but the panic ensued.
the typical fears promoted that *this was a horrible situation* and it could not be rectified had the envelopes actually gone missing. for instance, introversion would restrict me from contacting the recipients in a timely manner, and perhaps, i would not be able to attend to anything which needed to be done alone or out of the house. it was also perceived to be financially disastrous to reproduce the contents in those envelopes. this panic was very unreasonable to me-- my argument being rooted in my consistent documentation of an ability to thrive.
the counter exchange from anxiety has been that 'the ability to get out there and engage on profound levels' does not confirm any capacity to continue. it argues how my production is ordinarily all or nothing, which definitely allows for a return to complete isolation. i *should* worry about any project attempted, even the simple posting of letters at the post office, because there *is* the potential for me to withdraw and not attend to any disaster.
this perspective from anxiety is the kind of crap that will dissolve when discarding disability (by signing on to, and then succeeding at full-time, out of the house employment). this process of redefinition will draw out the endless spectrum of uncertainties and possibilities. the contemplation over 'taking a job outside of the house' and then eventually 'living without the pathological doubt' is expected to seem never ending.
i do not feel nervous whatsoever about redefining myself. what will happen upon employment? no time has been spent worrying about it, but the anxiety is inevitably gigantic. it must be here-- misdirected and protective.
perhaps, it is interpretable:
anxiety has been focusing on anything and everything aside from the millions of fears related to working outside of my home on a daily basis. (it has stressed out over looks from a stranger, simple things like a particular word a person chose to use...) consider those squashed emotions standing behind the detail of the notoriously non-updated usps tracking system.
it felt like i was panicking about the postal service.
the potential for disaster, catastrophic fantasy, _______, and ___________.
all of that doubt.
may i have been panicking about?: "what it is going to mean to leave all of these doubts and fears behind? these fears have been my constant. what is it like to live without them? what can possibly be intense enough to replace that level of fear? the way i go about thinking, and then reacting, to almost every subject and situation is about to change-- but to what? what's it like? how will i feel?"
since my 'constant' is about to confirm a radical level of freedom, and then depart without definitive replacement, of course 'anything and everything' has room to panic. with this job ("confirmation that i no longer need to act as though i may succumb to housebound
agoraphobia at any moment") the way i will go about each seemingly meaningless situation and transaction will be different. i cannot know what it will be like to live without that stress. those answers are neither available nor can they be accurately articulated. lately, anxiety is over the top and inspired by the tiniest topic-- and it appears that it should be.
now, if the chaos from the last week is translated and accountable, to what extent can it continue?
at the time of the last post, anorexia was a current component, but one without structure. the inability to obtain food was not the driving force of what disrupted the week, and it remains odd to think my doctor wanted to focus on this tertiary issue. now that a few days have gone by, and most of the panic and anxiety has subsided, that interruption, or inpatient respite, should have happened.
the rest of the week will be spent trying to keep myself from being hospitalized for anxiety disorder. the most insignificant of situations are exciting panic attacks lasting four or more hours. value can easily attach to these trivial concerns which are accelerating, therefore my frustration focuses on the most unreasonable panic-inducing experiences. their origin is real, and understood, but awareness does not (yet) function to mediate or reconcile the physical response.
