well, i arrived-- it wasn't horrible.
in fact, i believe i responded very well.
it's taken me awhile to come down from yesterday.
last night, after i had been home for a few hours, the panic attacks started. the last two weeks have been filled with dread and doubt, but without racing thoughts. there has been no endless chatter keeping me awake. consider how the majority of fear and anxiety had been held off and only showed up after this interview date ended. consider the cadence here, and how careful, if not delicate, this entry reads.
one interesting fact learned is that a position with this agency will be a job for life. there is the option of resignation, but they would never be in a situation to end my involvement. if offered, the security of the agency would be available not just for five years, but twelve... twenty... thirty years from now if desired.
this was strange to hear-- it immediately closed off a gigantic spectrum of apprehension. over the last few years, i have been seeking out, but was never expected to actually locate a level of safety, responsibility, or loyalty i could trust. it was predetermined to be impossible.
it was no surprise, that upon finally stumbling into a confirmation of long term security, i somewhat cried on the drive home. where does one find this level of protection outside of a parent? my father, it has been mentioned, is mentally ill-- even during my most protected times as a child i was perpetually on guard. it is simultaneously confusing and relieving to consider trusting this engagement if offered.
i don't know what happens now-- they have other candidates. one of the women on the panel, perhaps intentionally, let it slip that i have had extremely high scores. apparently my rank was third on the original exam and then highest on every test since then. that which drives me only hears "third" and refuses to acknowledge "out of the original applicant pool of 25,000." other applicants had preferential credits and i only provided a very limited experience. "first ever since" should inspire a pleasant shock rather than the cold. "third out of 25,000 applicants" means nothing since that pool was immediately reduced to 1000. even if outside of my domain, leading a pack of 1000, then 100, and then the final five or six is never expected to be unreasonable.
perhaps, it is important to push back that fact of "third out of 25,000" just as i did with the previous weeks of anxiety. perhaps if i didn't, i would have to acknowledge __________.
