i
am
annoyed
at
my
lackadaisical
professor,
and
now,
what
amounts
to
an
enormous
loss
of
distraction.
cancelling
a
project
due
to
a
general
lack
of
interest
is
just
________.
i needed this busywork because my near future will reveal two new physicians:
1) the world famous one takes on anorexia; and, 2) the new resident at ucla will evaluate and attend to any medication i might take.
the 'endless threat of anorexia' and 'conflicts we have with medication' block resident doctor #4 and i from connecting on a greater level. AND, if other professionals handle these two issues, it is thought to afford anorexia the attention it needs, plus allows resident doctor #4 and i to explore a very different relationship.
in two weeks, i will have known resident doctor #4 for three years. i still refuse to sit down in his office and we can go without eye contact for months at a time. the truth is, i am pretty sure i wouldn't recognize him outside of a concentrated area of westwood village. we have recently transitioned to private practice at the body dysmorphic disorders clinic, and i even refuse to enter that facility on my own. i sign myself into the building but then wait for him to come out into the concourse to get me.
am i embarrassed to write this out? yes, of course, but the fact of the matter is that i would never act like this anywhere else. in resident doctor #4's office, illness should be, and is allowed to be itself.
1) he thinks that in my refusal to develop my connection with him, ocd is protecting our relationship. i have never outwardly thought this, or have found myself promoting it, but the idea is probably as accurate as possible.
an example: if i were to connect more and put my emotions out there for him to potentially damage, this goes against ocd, and due to that ocd, i probably harbor a deep belief that he will die.
well, that is the thought ocd usually creates to keep my obsessions and compulsions in place. many times i have found myself thinking that a relative would die if i threw away an unwanted gift that he or she had given me, but have never thought, "i am protecting our relationship." it was just an unwanted ocd thought-- and not to be questioned.
i mentioned this once, that i could not depart with an old, broken gift. he laughed and asked me what else i could do with that "great power." oh god, no kidding. needless to say, that day the behaviours began to lose their authority over me. the experience of following the rituals of ocd had felt protective, but soon after, it became easier to distinguish that ocd was only protecting its own repetition.
my history would reveal that this 'death phenomenon' has occurred whenever i have decided to let a person into my life on an intimate level. mental illness and the behaviours i have were designed after traumatic events. i did not just catch these problems out of thin air-- i worked hard to make and then keep them. either way, by not sitting down in his office and refusing eye contact, this keeps him at a distance, and the disengagement protects us in that we remain as we are to each other.
i often refer to this topic as our lack of connection. this is incorrectly stated. to clarify, my connection to him is profound. since it is this strong, the bond is available to be broken, and it is holding steady were it is. one day it will happen, and i already know i will hurt enough. why get out there with him and then one day deal with an even higher level of pain? i should refer to this as our "lack of increasing connection" or "our standstill."
2) another idea resident doctor #4 had about our connection: perhaps, in thinking how anorexia drives me, my self hatred is such that "i think if he knows anything about me, he will become disgusted or frightened and break off ties." false. this myth sounds recited from an outdated textbook that was written by someone without firsthand experience with anorexia nervosa.
what would it mean to go to his office for reasons other than anorexia? without its shield, i cannot define myself. what is it he would see if we relate anorexia as a side effect? nothing, or more reasonably, nothing i can talk about and therefore i always deflect to futility.
right now, the negative voice of anorexia tells me it is impossible to ever attain anything which will match or surpass its existence. it's true. i will never find a match to the all encompassing passion it can provide.
it is incomprehensible to 'not uphold the constant, unwavering picture of anorexia' for anyone. i don't know how to "not be on guard" all of the time in front of another person. i cannot think of too many cases where i want to be, either. why would i want to be relaxed-- weak -- in front of another person?
by eliminating the conflicts in trust brought on through issues of medication, resident doctor #4 and i can become a team. though he suggests otherwise, it's no secret that each prescription written by resident doctor #4 is a desperate attempt to either make me gain weight or ignite my endocrine system. soon, these battles will be gone and i will lack genuine reasons to restrict our connection.
or, the way mental illness thinks:
when these other doctors take command, i will then have an internist, a psychiatrist strictly for medication, and strober, the noted eating disorder specialist. strober will additionally refer me to a dietitian and specialized therapist. this level of all-around care will give resident doctor #4 a non-agonizing way to drop me as a patient. not only will i be under comprehensive care, but he could then terminate me without guilt or a fear that i would fall.
life had been structured so that the next two weeks of exams and research would overlap-- leaving no time empty enough to get fat on emotion. since my professor cancelled the points relevant to our project, an intensity is removed which avails additional time to think. i cannot help but try to protect myself in advance by abusing these thoughts of being thrown away. the idea is to disconnect from resident doctor #4 even more.
am
annoyed
at
my
lackadaisical
professor,
and
now,
what
amounts
to
an
enormous
loss
of
distraction.
cancelling
a
project
due
to
a
general
lack
of
interest
is
just
________.
i needed this busywork because my near future will reveal two new physicians:
1) the world famous one takes on anorexia; and, 2) the new resident at ucla will evaluate and attend to any medication i might take.
the 'endless threat of anorexia' and 'conflicts we have with medication' block resident doctor #4 and i from connecting on a greater level. AND, if other professionals handle these two issues, it is thought to afford anorexia the attention it needs, plus allows resident doctor #4 and i to explore a very different relationship.
in two weeks, i will have known resident doctor #4 for three years. i still refuse to sit down in his office and we can go without eye contact for months at a time. the truth is, i am pretty sure i wouldn't recognize him outside of a concentrated area of westwood village. we have recently transitioned to private practice at the body dysmorphic disorders clinic, and i even refuse to enter that facility on my own. i sign myself into the building but then wait for him to come out into the concourse to get me.
am i embarrassed to write this out? yes, of course, but the fact of the matter is that i would never act like this anywhere else. in resident doctor #4's office, illness should be, and is allowed to be itself.
1) he thinks that in my refusal to develop my connection with him, ocd is protecting our relationship. i have never outwardly thought this, or have found myself promoting it, but the idea is probably as accurate as possible.
an example: if i were to connect more and put my emotions out there for him to potentially damage, this goes against ocd, and due to that ocd, i probably harbor a deep belief that he will die.
well, that is the thought ocd usually creates to keep my obsessions and compulsions in place. many times i have found myself thinking that a relative would die if i threw away an unwanted gift that he or she had given me, but have never thought, "i am protecting our relationship." it was just an unwanted ocd thought-- and not to be questioned.
i mentioned this once, that i could not depart with an old, broken gift. he laughed and asked me what else i could do with that "great power." oh god, no kidding. needless to say, that day the behaviours began to lose their authority over me. the experience of following the rituals of ocd had felt protective, but soon after, it became easier to distinguish that ocd was only protecting its own repetition.
my history would reveal that this 'death phenomenon' has occurred whenever i have decided to let a person into my life on an intimate level. mental illness and the behaviours i have were designed after traumatic events. i did not just catch these problems out of thin air-- i worked hard to make and then keep them. either way, by not sitting down in his office and refusing eye contact, this keeps him at a distance, and the disengagement protects us in that we remain as we are to each other.
i often refer to this topic as our lack of connection. this is incorrectly stated. to clarify, my connection to him is profound. since it is this strong, the bond is available to be broken, and it is holding steady were it is. one day it will happen, and i already know i will hurt enough. why get out there with him and then one day deal with an even higher level of pain? i should refer to this as our "lack of increasing connection" or "our standstill."
2) another idea resident doctor #4 had about our connection: perhaps, in thinking how anorexia drives me, my self hatred is such that "i think if he knows anything about me, he will become disgusted or frightened and break off ties." false. this myth sounds recited from an outdated textbook that was written by someone without firsthand experience with anorexia nervosa.
what would it mean to go to his office for reasons other than anorexia? without its shield, i cannot define myself. what is it he would see if we relate anorexia as a side effect? nothing, or more reasonably, nothing i can talk about and therefore i always deflect to futility.
right now, the negative voice of anorexia tells me it is impossible to ever attain anything which will match or surpass its existence. it's true. i will never find a match to the all encompassing passion it can provide.
it is incomprehensible to 'not uphold the constant, unwavering picture of anorexia' for anyone. i don't know how to "not be on guard" all of the time in front of another person. i cannot think of too many cases where i want to be, either. why would i want to be relaxed-- weak -- in front of another person?
by eliminating the conflicts in trust brought on through issues of medication, resident doctor #4 and i can become a team. though he suggests otherwise, it's no secret that each prescription written by resident doctor #4 is a desperate attempt to either make me gain weight or ignite my endocrine system. soon, these battles will be gone and i will lack genuine reasons to restrict our connection.
or, the way mental illness thinks:
when these other doctors take command, i will then have an internist, a psychiatrist strictly for medication, and strober, the noted eating disorder specialist. strober will additionally refer me to a dietitian and specialized therapist. this level of all-around care will give resident doctor #4 a non-agonizing way to drop me as a patient. not only will i be under comprehensive care, but he could then terminate me without guilt or a fear that i would fall.
life had been structured so that the next two weeks of exams and research would overlap-- leaving no time empty enough to get fat on emotion. since my professor cancelled the points relevant to our project, an intensity is removed which avails additional time to think. i cannot help but try to protect myself in advance by abusing these thoughts of being thrown away. the idea is to disconnect from resident doctor #4 even more.
another flight took me back to seoul to accept the expected and sign on to additional distress? excess? life? of note, in south korea they shake hands instead of breaking flowers over your shoulders and no one even thought to hit me on the head with a gym shoe. i left with 
