flagrant disregard

the count is down but neither space nor time allow for a comprehensive overview of the last month. next wednesday, and even though there are 500,000 more important responsibilities, i am required to not only accompany my mother to alaska, but serve as her protection and personal tour guide.

it is impossible to postpone these 500,000 important responsibilities, and though i have considered liquidating my mother, withdrawing from ice is not an option. the compulsion to perform all obligations is taxing. someone, somewhere, is apt to be left lost out. i doubt i will oppose this predicament without a subsequent period of decompensation.

is the terminal face of the glacier indistinguishably muddled in grey, or is it profound and reflective, enabling it to disappear into the fog? let's not fear the inevitable psychotic episode will advance and dam the fjord, but let's not hope for a return to perennial ambiguity, either.

there is a chaos now and its unbroken spectrum of continuance jabs slightly below my heart. not only do i lack the tools to acquire any normal hyperbolicity, but additionally, i feel compelled to smooth these small perturbations. in a real application, of course, this is insufficient and results in that which does not resonate with the metaphor. if you're lost, you're very welcome because i've actually been chipping along on my own rib.

the question is, "how to refrain from trying to counter or predict what will happen in late june?" which version of sick will take? or, is it its own edition? i have been shuffling through thirty pages of incomprehensible fun-- stacked right here on my desk --but i can no longer decode any of it. do you think archaic language will translate in june?

who am i?
i remember me-- but i don't remember that it went like this.

the best answer would have been to disengage, to decline in advance. "do not further facilitate the development of illness." sure, but the real world i keep intending to dissolve cannot adhere to such rigid structure. i have managed to sidestep vacations with my mother for nearly three years. it's grown to the point where this promotion of avoidance now appears to be its own dysfunction. a suggestion to disengage is best, but incorrect. a quasiperiodic centering of the issue is acceptable, and as mentioned before, the trip will be enjoyable. i just have a difficult time coming to terms with how 'the afterwards' is blind to deterrence and will insist on hedging into distress.

recent hospitalizations = unhealthy, but not dead
damage to the vagus nerve = cause for concern, but not dead
feeding tube = almost, but i am still not considered dead

since my body persists, it is expected that i will board alaska airlines flight #1234 with scheduled non-stop service from los angeles to anchorage, and then present at least one appealing personality. if i should happen to find myself in a state of clinical death, no doubt i am expected to produce a notarized copy of my own death certificate and still show up.

consider: refusing the identity, presenting with equation.

Notice:

All Elevated Mood choosing to enter into a fellowship program at The Flagrant Disregard Blog who will be providing feelings independently without direction or supervision are required to obtain membership on the General Emotional Staff.

No Elevated Mood may admit or discharge a potential anomalous phenomenon without the approval of the Attending Emotional Staff Member except in cases of unusual emergency.

- thursday night saw food unit success
- only the third in two weeks
- erm, well i think it was the third...

- it got bad, i stopped charting
- plus, while in mojave i lost my obsessive pen
- and could only locate symbolic inconsistency

- so this entry is important
- but not as important as attitude
- i feel funny leaking all of this sunshine

- did not adhere to the specific components of The Plan
- we went to 'el taco llama' instead
- and i actually chose to dissect a few ounces of regular food
- it was neither orgasmic nor frightening

- just "eh"
- just "life"
- just "protocol"
- just "the boring in between"

consider: the exciting extremes, and needing, but still not wanting to appreciate the "eh."

consider: important + intensely positive experience = "eh" [??]

something great just happened. i decided to no longer allow myself to be suffocated by a very specific indefatigable lack of inspiration. AND i feel no guilt in retracting parts of myself which never should have been available for him to abuse.

i have never felt such confidence and happiness as has been experienced this week.

this afternoon a cashier mentioned that it was odd for him to see me alone in the store. he then referred to invalid friend chuck as my dad, and was loudly surprised to find out i was more than 12 years old.

see, that's wrong.
my body is at least one year and a half taller than 12.
i didn't reach this height until into my thirteenth year.

last summer a guy asked if i was going to be a sophomore at his high school. while the eating disorder monster could not hide beaming with pride, i questioned how i might have been carrying and then subsequently representing myself in public. later, the monster invalidated the pleasure by chalking up the situation to location and the time of day. we were near a high school and there had been groups of students playing organized sports in the area.

this idea of 12 does not sit well, but sporadic hilarity is currently interfering with the total discomfort.

today it seems as though i have arrived home after a long time away. i keep trying to remember where i have just traveled-- it was one of those endless solitary trips-- was it south east asia? had i just been bumbling around cambodia? "or wait, viet-- no, let's see, i was just in-- no." everything which ordinarily needs to be done after a vacation is being written down in an effort to catch back up to normal life. the problem here is that i have not endured one of those unsociable sabbaticals in the physical sense for over a year, yet the list making continues.

i don't know how to articulate any of these feelings. perhaps, doors behind me, in my mind, have closed, and i am continuing to walk down a long hall. suddenly i am in a different but familiar place, and the visit i have just taken was intense enough to feel as though it happened outside of my body.

nothing is wrong.
this may be the understatement of the decade.

there is nothing wrong, or, i should say, "no asinine mental issues conflict with what i need to do in the world."

sure, my digestion is screwed up right now.
it's breaking down and not coming together.

i bought a car last year and never sold the old one.
many unnecessary complications and expenses relate to this.

what in the hell are these two things about?

what i don't understand is, if i don't want that car, why is it sitting in my garage? why do i circle endlessly around the block each night to find a parking space for my new car?

my anorexia has, granted, in a counterproductive sense, been about strength, endurance, and out performance. it is not about being physically broken and weak. i accepted that mental dysfunction was necessary to receive this physical extreme. physical disability is not allowed. my body is broken right now. did i forget my rule, or did i get sucked into a mental maze? the omnipresent puzzle was supposed to be a tool.

today i also don't understand why 'drinking liquid calories' or 'spreading out the food plan over a course of the day' is considered such a deal breaker. what did i think would happen? of course i would not drink a whole gallon of liquid supplement. why have i not been able to acquire a serving of soup, or strain soup and sip on a very condensed broth? why not investigate a smooth food like plain mashed potatoes? AND, scariest of all: why haven't i been able to type out food-related words on this blog?

i know all of these things were tremendous complications-- probably as near as yesterday -- but today it doesn't make any sense as to why 'liquid calories were a threat' or why i have been too sewn up to freely use the word meal.

recent depression has been full, real, and painful. i have specifically noticed the way difficult emotions were twisted and placed deep into my body. later, when trying to reflect on the process, i couldn't reach the feeling. sure, i felt my normally resilient sad and numb-ish-ness, but i couldn't even imagine that bad which had been locked away.

it's funny, i always think "i will not put myself in a position to experience disappointment." that statement sounds extremely isolating right now. how have i managed to thrive while holding onto that idea, and since i have, imagine the incredible spectrum of options life will offer the day that statement is released. i will validate it though: for the last few years the philosophy of "neither wanting nor needing to be hurt" has acted as an important form of protection. it was essential and smoothed over an odd time. i will not be embarrassed-- i'll just say "its use is almost over."

i think i am exiting a long time period of questioning, where, when i lived, i lived very tentatively. "if i never want to be disappointed, i probably don't put myself out there too much." how true, and also false, but it is true enough to go out, double my efforts, and succeed in additional domains.

medical opinion:
- cut the amount of the food plan in half
- make sure i get my exercise today
- drink two bottles of water
- do the same tomorrow
- come in for an appointment on friday

somehow i doubt that eating a total of 140-160 calories a day for the rest of the week and getting in two hours of exercise is the best answer. i mean, this is *my* sarcastic answer.

i wouldn't have any problem visiting an urgent care physician or the emergency room at ucla medical center if they provided a categorized price list. i am completely serious-- the unknown can spectrum into too much fear.

since my weight has dropped, i look like complete garbage, and this is great in that it temporarily releases all previous concerns of 'being sick enough' to receive attention. i can own the name of anorexia for the time being, but still hate not having a clue as to the magnitude of the medical billing up front. my health insurance coverage is apparently very good, but that means nothing until the bills begin to roll in and the final amount due is solid.

consider, though i don't want to:

what it would mean for me to buy and also be known to own an excessive item without outwardly compensating for that pleasure. why i would let another person's jealousy matter.

what it would mean for me to own [something] without providing an insult in that familiar effort to 'make it okay' or 'avoid looks' from people who will never secure their own. example: countering a fantastic trip by insisting on mentioning the airfare was either highly discounted or a fare error. example: countering the purchase of [something] by completely going out of my way to get the lowest price... for instance, buying a car out of state for a substantial discount and then holding claim to only purchasing after getting the best deal in the country.

what it would mean for me to buy 'the excessive' without first purchasing [it, or something of similar value] for someone in my life. what it would mean for me to be okay with having 'extra' in the face of 'ample' or 'none.' what it means to be able to jolt philosophy and restriction with these questions.

there is no way i can get through one week of investigating what it means to use the term human garbage. sorry, no way. its use is obviously supposed to release frustrations by compartmentalizing unorganized individuals. ["feel less likely to donate them an amount of worth which could influence my behavior."] this use of the term isn't necessary-- instead it appears to relate personal problems my physician endures.

consider: how one of my physicians has no problem defining people as ‘fat’ or even labeling them ‘human garbage.' is there a great difference between his definition, and the way i illustrate individuals when i words like ‘ineffective’ or ‘excessive?’ yes, but no.

consider how he will say something like “the fucking fat human garbage who...” and i will immediately clench up inside and need to stop blinking.

i have expressed that type of sentiment here in print many, many times.
are there more than three excuses in the previous sentence?

consider the perspective embedded in language and how he says i am apparently 'unbelievably accommodating' to h-h-h-human garbage. i have allowed too many people too much for so long that my body stops properly functioning if someone in my circle will ultimately be required to hold the short straw.

“that’s life. that's just the way it goes.”

“nope, not if i’m in charge.”

what it would mean for me to stop being so nice? perhaps i meant to use ambivalent instead of nice. what it would mean to experience the complete opposite of myself and start circumnavigating people’s hope instead of supplying them with the world?

consider: my point of view. how i would neither intend to visit any of the above nor want to put it into practice *but* my physician insists that nothing needs to be constant. he inspires me to try on the entire range of everything. try can mean trial, and not an infinite period of time.

obviously i will stab the h-h-human garbage on a day the urge to bring bandages was intentionally resisted. i will not feel very good about it, but right here-- this sentence is the problem. i should not be collecting definitive words to make up my answer about that which i have not experienced.

the background information here is that i am again taking crap for philanthropy. people expect that since my earnings overshadow theirs, i should provide them with extremely luxurious goods. what if i refuse the frustration, look toward the calendar, and instead relate how greed operates on schedule?

i desperately want to give people that which can appreciate, but no one has the capacity to implement any of it. my gifts should fit a variety of parameters-- not just act to fulfill simple urges. people always expect to receive more, even if they abuse it. i have mentioned it before now-- how my sister *needs* a $70K bmw X5, but has refused the equivalent $70K worth of graduate school tuition.

what if i start to accept the fact that some people can barely secure their own shelter, but i can provide for multiple family units. what is going to happen if i become okay with that?

back to the grind with The Plan last night...
my body began to reverse before the food unit was fully consumed.

physical digestion just isn’t coming together. i asked my physician if my body would die from this process and was neither being funny nor dramatic. he didn’t look away. this time period is inside out. i intended to be mentally fucked right about now but instead, the calm and security i have experienced is impossible to show in print.

for multitudes of reasons, i could barely digest on any of the days spanning the last two weeks. on a physical level, everything has imbalanced and gone to hell. i am dehydrated today and am subsequently experiencing vision disturbances. the more water i drink, the more dehydrated i get. i drank three bottles of water today, which by my standards amounts to an entire lake, but my lips are chapped and eyesight and/or 'optical word omission' interference remains.

tonight begins my attempt to completely start over from the beginning. it will be the same old original food plan. the only difference is that a safety experienced over the last attempts has mentally tightened myself up. i am not open to additional components or calories, but i see no conflict in interchanging foods should medical complications arise.

this is kind of exciting, because now i am not in a state of doubting, but rather am craving the safety of The Plan. whenever admitting to being fine with food, i feel like i am lying. i never said things like this before and really feel funny putting it out there. i keep questioning whether or not the feeling is true, even though at this moment in time, that safety is a fact.

perhaps next week i will have freaked out about 'having tried to adhere to a food plan', 'admitting a food plan was comfortable to other people', or even 'accepting the idea of a food plan.' i am certain the voice of the monster -- which is currently cool with the restriction in The Plan-- will show up in an effort to sabotage this, but regardless of dialect, it cannot erase the way i feel right now.

this new attempt may have an element of excitement, but it is also frightening. i know my body will tire fairly quickly from the process. last time, the exhaustion spanned a few weeks. it was such that my speech was slurred, walking became a chore, complications of phosphorous imbalance put me out, and i also experienced a seizure. the cadaverous appearance from the weight loss tried to inspire a small area of concern, but quickly retracted. it makes sense to me, but from the outside, i guess weight loss can only 'oddly' fit in with the element of excitement.

what is working against me:

1. i may be mentally fine with The Plan right now, but if anorexia's monster didn't wear the mask of a best friend every now and then, how could it endure? also, it is 'allowing me' to follow The Plan because the calories are so ridiculously low in comparison to my basal metabolic rate. it is expected that my weight will drop again, but not much. the day my metabolism crashes and weight loss stalls, expect anorexia to raise hell and redesign The Plan towards something familiar like: "nothing once might remain nothing, but nothing plus nothing equals something and you aren't allowed anything."

2. the problem of retaining equilibrium: electrolytes. refeeding syndrome. complications of phosphorous levels radically hitting a high or low. welcoming hypersensitivities and a tolerance to react to the formerly nonallergenic.

3. gastroparesis. after four days of adhering to The Plan, my stomach freezes, and i begin vomiting what had been ingested on the previous night. this go around, it is apt to happen, and will be countered by exchanging the non-digesting foods for 'that which should be easier to break down.' no liquid calories, though. not yet. not unless i am in a hospital.

the problems i have outside of digestion are tying themselves up.
well, it's very slow, but sure.

when did the switch occur?
when did i start using your version of the word 'bad?'

consider: shifting into reverse.

where does this lead?
mentally healthy and physically spent?

perhaps, a mentally balanced stick figure was the original goal:
- maintain unfathomable achievement, a bmi under 12 11 10 9
- yet have the ability to transact a meal without chaos
- support all necessities of daily life

motherfigure and i have agreed to take a trip to alaska. i don't know why this is her first choice when we have a combined capacity to travel to the vast corners of the world. she wanted to visit somewhere close to home. we once vacationed in thailand, and upon returning home, i believe it took her longer to readjust than she had expected. we both have slightly merged our schedules, and since she is not requesting that i pay for our trip, this was acceptable.

"i have reason to be in cambodia."
alaska.

"we could visit laos while we were there."
alaska.

fine. when i'm 500 years old i probably wouldn't want to fly over 25 hours in one direction just to revisit the tropical flea-bitten experience, either.

"...or visit your son in korea?"
alaska.

"...book seating on a boat to antarctica for next february?"
alaska.

consider: what it is she intends to do once we get there?

- rent a car
- drive around
- do 'stuff'
- and see 'things'

there it is:
"motherfigure and i are going to alaska to do stuff and see things."

i may have forgotten how to spell 'psychotic episode' but i am being totally honest when saying this will probably end up being one of our better trips.