for two days chuck has blathered on about how motherfigure had sent a gift of "potentially lethal" easter bunnies to my eating disorder. he isn't as manically angry as seen during the previous holidays when this has happened, but is worried that these ritualistic boxes of food have attached themselves to 'additional' seasons. these high calorie gifts usually only happen between thanksgiving and christmas time.
i had complained that the easter chocolate now makes two injurious boxes of communication in a row, but chuck pointed out that not only i have seen motherfigure twice since her christmas insult, but she also sent an assortment of valentine's day crap in february.
how did i manage to forget about valentine's day truffles and the strangely pink foil wrapped (rather than red) reese's peanut butter hearts? are the dealings with motherfigure *that* stressful that it slips my mind!? i also would have sworn recent contacts with motherfigure happened prior to the holiday season. perhaps, out of sight, out of mind. i intentionally refused to mention the valentine's day candy on this blog-- specifically to see if frustration would fizzle out faster. consider how blogging about certain issues may excite rather cure the issue.
first thought: i would like to chalk up all recent forgetfulness to having been admitted to the hospital several times in the last month. seizure. physical exertion. altered state of central nervous system. the excuse should default to preoccupation. i'm simply tired. beat.
second thought: has the topamax trial completely mmmph-ed me up? is this who i am now? does this relate to the 'stupimax' side effect people experience when taking that drug? if it is, shouldn't it have subsided? also, this seems more toward an intense dissociation from a person/event, and not a simple forgetfulness.
regardless of hypersensitivity, if the half-life of those mere granules of topamax taken in november have metabolized, why do i keep dissociating from other very minor instances of life?:
1) i thought the episodes of getting two weekly parking tickets was over, but even with FIVE alarm clocks set to ring, and a note on the desk reminding me to move the car, the violations still occasionally find me. since i am awake, at home, and think i am coherent, there should be zero fines found stuck under the windshield wiper.
2) the last three occasions i drove to the doctor's office, i have missed the freeway exit and ended up driving miles beyond where i needed to be. i eventually exited and maneuvered the way to the office via downtown surface streets. the same type of situation has happened coming home. i have been perpetually screwing up the freeway interchange on the return, but for some unknown reason, continue driving out to no-mans-land. when i finally feel 'comfortable' and turn around, i have twice missed the correct freeway on the return. also, at least on the last four drives home, i have flat out missed the freeway exit which is ordinarily taken to get to my own home.
both the parking tickets and the situation of 'going places in a very round-about way' is ridiculous, but speaks of avoidance. perhaps, that which i am not aware, does not want to surface. in regard to the car, i don't know what that might be. as for 'avoiding' the doctor's office and/or therapy, it could be anything.
since this topamax trial, i am no longer holding onto situations which may be somewhat unpleasant. each day passes and the crappy hand dealt for the day disappears. this is weird, because my history is to endlessly obsess. [i do not miss the lack of obsession.] now, very rarely does anything bother me for very long, and if it does, that frustration is so deeply layered that i have (what seems to be) an auditory hallucination. i am not joking about that-- when things finally aggravate me i have been experiencing a wall of noise. 'hallucination' might be too strong or 'important' of a term, but using 'interference' really seems to lack enough passion for the explanation.
my mother recently attended a conference in san francisco and i met up with her for a few hours. she yapped the [hmm hmm hmmm...] entire time about how i needed to [hmm hmm hmmm...] buy and accompany her on an alaskan cruise [hm hmm hmm..] this summer. suddenly we were [hm hmm...] definitely taking this cruise [hmm hmm...] and she decided [hmm hmm...] it doesn't matter if i have university evaluations that week [hmm hmm...] i could be flexible for her [hmm hmm hmm...] and alter my schedule [hmm hmm...] in order to depart in early june.
after stating that june was impossible, explaining that i have an oral presentation date set in stone, a profoundly gifted child shadowing me the first week, and that she needs to consider going in august, my mother still ignored me. i said, "my life is not that flexible now. i cannot go then." she replied with, "oh, it won't cost that much. june third through the tenth would be good. your father and i have a car show that next weekend." i would gladly give her everything she wants, but only if it is available. we could take a cruise at most any date on the calendar with advance notice. august would be perfect for both of us, by she never hears the word "no." what was i supposed to do but nod and romance that hmm-hmmming sound?
a few days later i was alone in my own home, frustrated to the point of slumping on the desk, and i heard that hmm hmmm hmmm sound coming from another room. this was frightening because it was the first time i recognized that i wasn't facetiously making this sound in my head to drowned people out-- it was happening by itself. now i notice that when stuck in a situation where i need to make the final decision, but cannot make every party involved happy, this sound is perceived.
resident doctor #4 suggests the experience could be a memory. memories are interesting and can manifest in many ways. a memory which seems like a physical experience, for instance, a pain, would not be considered odd. since i am changing rapidly and really am in turmoil with how to manage these new emotions, i might be searching and remembering how frustrating responses were once expressed.
consider: that's a very nice way to avoid mentioning that auditory hallucinations are the hallmark symptom of schizophrenia. i do not have a psychotic illness but i do feel very funny about that sound.
noticing this noise was a valuable experience. i am confident that the worries it surrounded were valid. should the sound arrive again, i won't question whether or not i am blowing something small out of proportion. this noise would kind of act as a confirmation to be okay with being upset.
now that i am social in comparison to previous years of isolation, it is also not odd to recognize this sound as a perception of language. knowing how to label (and then subsequently invalidate) the noise makes me doubt that if it arrives again, it will linger for long. if it remains, perhaps i could trust that there is a stronger than needed difficulty behind it.
this dissociation from my mother seems automatic, true, and required to protect myself. the actions of my family in the past have caused me a lot of traumatic stress. my physician thinks it is in my best interest to come to a place where i can understand that they exist, but the relationship needs not continue.
"i dissociate from situations involving my mother. i joke that i forget she exists but never note how true of a statement that can be."
- no matter how real, that's horrible!
"i shouldn't work on maintaining a relationship with my family as it adversely affects my health."
- that's terrible, too.
whatever the reason for the dissociation/forgetfulness, i need to find a way to counter it enough to function on an effective level. i can appreciate it serves as a form of protection but i don't want to be smothered that much anymore.
