is it frightening or exciting to lack the anxiety needed to cry over chuck's job loss? even though his loss of employment is a perennial situation, it is known, if not required, for me to become a 1000bhp wet mess.
do you know how to replace this missing pulse? i feel lost without the confirmations that [sound / information / anxiety] had offered DAILY LIFE. the emptiness is similarly perceived as it replenishes itself with a deadly [noise / random / anxiety]. quiet often stands at a much tougher level than loud since it lacks validity and pattern.
there is a joke here somewhere. it relates the silliness of my alternate history, or details the feigning of deafness. consider a predicted knock on the door via the flux in foundation. consider the kryptonitic properties stemming from the loudness of a light on the stove. i never consider that many can understand the definition of remote.
[sound / information / anxiety]=
predictable, therefore should be tolerated at any amplitude.
[sound / information / anxiety]=
useful, has traction, should be trusted.
[noise / random / anxiety]=
cannot be analyzed. the annoyance defines anticipation of information which will never arrive. this is waste and i have a big problem with gratuitous filler. how to acknowledge the inevitable existence of [noise / random / anxiety] but render its flavor invalid?
consider: how to tolerate every meaningless moment?
consider: referring to anxiety, science, DAILY LIFE, or scarypeople?
consider: all of the above (plus everything else) in a bag, to go.
the missing strain of tension feels to be a lack of force -- a libido, a drive -- AND what drives proaction? without racing thoughts, the
what if, and imploding chest pain, it feels as though i am not doing as much. i am, it just that without that activity of stress, the feeling is a lack of investment. was all of the former panic, insomnia, and general lunacy experienced in the past beneficial to the process of production? did it actually get anything done faster?
ordinarily there is a huge amount of mental garbage to sort through. i feel as though this 'lack of work' is in fact true. i am not worrying to the point of hurting my body to promote a replacement chemical reaction, and therefore feel as though i am truly doing nothing to help. in recent times, these employment fiascoes of his are overwhelming ordeals to process.
i don't really know how to help chuck obtain new employment. after tweaking his resume to match sought after jobs, helping him to develop effective responses, and then driving him around the city-- what remains? nothing. the only thing missing is the formerly extreme journey through multiple emotions.
chuck can pay his bills for the next few months-- not a problem.
i could pay his bills, or he could live with me-- not a problem.
if i keep him on task, he will not produce. chuck has a documented history of burning through his saving account and only getting a job when down to his last $20. this complacency renders others responsible to pick up the financial slack for months until he gets back on top of things. not this time. i have convinced chuck that his life savings hedges around $1800 and the returned look of fear told me he believed it. for perspective, monthly apartment rentals in his area on a one bedroom slum go for $1100 and he does not own a car.
so, that's where we are. i am not overwhelmed, but wish to be in an effort to feel the push. there is a concern over chuck's problem, but i am deficient in the flipping out department. nervous thoughts of
holy, holy god, he's going to be homeless and siphoning off of me forever start but then abruptly stop. AND chuck is, gee whiz, somewhat more 'on' rather than 'off.'