flagrant disregard

LIFEBOX weirdly lost some weight/ must now hold jeans up while walking or trip on loose fabric/ consider/ constantly confirming how the angular attraction of teenage boy syndrome mostly multiplies the head jerking/ fact/ this overtly negative illness allows for a positive presence/ disgusting, people say, before ever seeing anorexia nervosa in person/ load of crap, i say, after seeing the way people react/ cannibalized LIFEBOX wows everyone who hasn't traveled through a longer starvation/ anorexia inspires a double take and excitement/ thunder bay, ontario, in particular/ AND at a service station in kansas city, missouri/ though it really shouldn't have/ blame LIFEBOX or blame this new curious car/ consider/ hip slung japanese denim is notorious for stretching out/ perpetual excuse/ never be too proud/ consider/ always/ might the attraction be something other than me?

consider/ three days on the highway/ after a spontaneous digestion of relatives/ exercises only in boredom/ burning calories by downshifting into fifth/ would have bet this newly purchased all or nothing that assparts had indeed spread/ FEAR/ tears/ gravity/ handparts at ten and five thirty but sitting with little white pills/ frustrated by the visit/ occasionally boxed at the windshield/ tachometer sits abrupt and poised for the bark/ the denim seam rubbed and renewed a scab/ consider/ six days spent reversing the backwards process/ AND forward seemed to be an eternity/ AND forward was not necessarily intentional/ AND the mental chatter was not only conversational but extremely loud/ AND had there been a different dissociative wall of sound/ surround/ hallucinogenic/ or spector's/ or a locked door/ a privacy/ etc...

consider/ how double tonguepart-ing is inefficient, but when applied to granny smith can be misinterpreted as a sin/ wholesome goodness/ sour/ consider/ how biblical fruit does not necessarily illustrate an apple/ figs/ apricot/ or acidic malus domestica/ consider/ how anorexia insists good is bad/ AND the neon sign alerting to the REX museum on route 66 in gallup, new mexico/ AND how everything is a constant reminder of nutritional disobedience/ you tart/ you bad apple/ oh, how you'll bruise/ will now endure the worry/ the estrogenic hum/ a colorful punishment.

consider/ the accidental weight loss lottery/ how newly measurable missing spaces incorrectly accentuate LIFEBOX/ AND how first prize is rewarded with the ugly stick and a foreign version of bizarre/ on a technicality, invisible portionparts of LIFEBOX magnify the skeletonparts/ consider/ the now thinner thispart makes for the suddenly fatter thatpart/ routine/ by naming everything/ anything/ all/ nothing thrives.

a rare occurrence of interstate- 35 south, kansas city, missouri

perhaps i am allergic to my version of home/ maybe i'll go back and edit the perhaps/ after spending each of the 3000 miles this week just wishing to get home faster/ now... well, now what?/ only 2000 miles were planned but the car turned north and detoured through canada/ saw a moose/ tolerated relatives/ froze through the night though sleeping between flannel sheets/ played computer technician/ fed the deer/ paddled the kayak out on the river/ watched a bear and her three cubs meander through the woods/ AND accosted motherfigure about my father's military discrepancies while playing the angel/ the answer?/ oh, hell if she knows.

as is routine, i have just arrived/ slightly wobbly walking/ cannot type straight or find patience to slow the post down/ you understand/ still driving though standing here/ AND also, it is only right now that i feel extremely overwhelmed to be alone.

typical post trip depression/ been there and done that/ consider/ how about post trip elation?/ how about: ha ha, thank god i am 'here' because i do not fit in 'there'/ how about holy christ, i managed the dangerous slalom course once again/ how about: i, alone, thwarted my history of debilitating agoraphobia and anxiety; flew across the country; dealt with a car salesman, conflicts of GREED, need, and have; negotiated the purchase of a new car; and then drove this symbolic success to my home in california/ how about: wait... wait... perhaps i am not overwhelmed and instead am underwhelmed to be home?/ consider/ how i am still so scared of boredom allowing adequate room for disappointment.

this house--
definitely, it's allergy-
makes my eyes water like this.

getting there is half the fun/ that guy obviously didn't have a bony ass/ why the rush to drive?/ pushing the windshield through sour midwestern slaughterhouse air/ hurry up before sweet and rotten red scented slush hits the memory/ too late/ death without metaphor/ consider the splatter and smuckering of a slaughterhouse worker's industrial rubber galoshes/ AND after mourning the cattle cry a billion bloody bugs tapped as they mashed themselves into yesterday's shiny chrome.

quiet enough out there to welcome static/ refused to flip the sirius switch to take me to 2006/ must embrace the flyover experience/ listen live/ listen local/ scan to only find cattle network farm reports and lots of motley stadium rock has-beens/ "positive for bean prices"/ he's the one they call dr. feelgood/ "lean hog futures on the cme surged again"/ every rose has its thorn/ consider/ then question/ is today only slightly positive for corn?

consider/ how a friendly crossroads cashier who recognized me from a previously photographed life doesn't smooth over her texico's lack of 93 octane fuel/ consider/ how with a half tank of 89, my car could be said to have tasted junk food in its first week of life/ consider/ our tachometer conversations/ retracting what might have been my dying words about hoping to see a tornado on this cross country journey, too/ AND the clouds darkened before falling down/ AND the get out of jail free card is wearing fast/ AND good/ AND i like it yellowed and bent/ like my passport/ silent raggedy superiority on hand where the collective have yet to apply.

consider/ one horse towns/ no porsche towns/ the mini cooper advertisement which read let's teach the crow how to fly/ AND how armed with a bruised apple, the provincial has been confirmed/ in liberal, well no fucking kidding dorothy surrendered to drugs.

[my parent's current version of nowheresville]
after picking up my car, instead of driving home... i drove home.
my father is happy to have me around for a few days.

AND here i depart for the airport. a red-eye flight on delta delivers me to altanta, and from there i will connect on to... a city where i will write an enormous check at a dealership authorized to sell porsche, MINI, and BMW.

it's time.
so many things could go wrong between here and there and back here.
over prepared- no reason to retract.

consider: foolish or frugal, all or nothing?
- i am happy to have facilitated either choice.

did i actually kill the asinine aspect of anxiety yesterday? i have to be independent, social, and spendy today but am only content. why am i not trying to convince myself to remain grounded by grumbling the typical statements of excess?

resident doctor #4 requests i try a sliver of an antipsychotic medicine for a few days and then return to relate whether or not it loosened up my internal world. this experience might also be used to welcome, and then learn to deal with, the emotional experience of anger. apparently i refuse to get outwardly angry, even when stating that i am irate, and also find any opportunity to blame myself for unfortunate events.

uh...
messing around with a quarter tablet of zoloft or ativan is one thing, but a whimsical offering of a powerful antipsychotic medication stops at uh...

the first worry is how this medicine could disrupt my cellular composition. another concern is how the pill could either reveal an angry side of my personality, or how i may simply become extremely pissed off at the physical side effects. there is a third consideration which stands alongside the first worry-- what happens if it loosens up the complex system of rules in which i subscribe and, rather than just relating the changes, they prove tolerable?

i have yet to vocally decide whether or not to proceed. no matter how much it sounds as though i am trying to convince myself to try it out-- my answer will be no. anorexia nervosa, nightly food rituals, and selective mutism all have deeply woven roots around the expression of anger. i structure my relationships through them. a few days of antipsychotic medicine will not change me, rather, it will bring about emotions that need to be relocated. where do they go? see, there is another problem with this pill-- i won't know how to manage what it may produce. essentially, i could take an antipsychotic and have it inspire a nutcase scenario.

i wonder if i am trying to put a spin on this classification of medicine? does it read that way, or is this my own problem of compartmentalization? using a prescription for an off-label use feels uncomfortable in that it breaks rules. i am stringent that way. an antipsychotic medicine should be used to augment the treatment of psychosis, not bring around emotions to investigate, etc...

the insomnia could definitely use a portion of medicine to help facilitate a sleeping schedule, but even though there shouldn't be, there is a stigma with taking an antipsychotic. i am neither a person with schizophrenia nor do i suffer from bipolar disorder. perhaps the anorexic view, and extensive obsessions with the body could be considered psychotic symptoms (?) but i understand what my body truly looks like-- and my physician understands how anorexia must outwardly lie to continue to live in a starved mode.

even without an accompanying psychiatric diagnosis, consider what the pharmacist technician behind the pharmacy counter might think. would he or she suddenly be 'careful' in treating me as a customer? consider the antipsychotic classification listing on medical records-- even if the prescription calls for less than five pills and is never recorded again, it would be recorded in history.

resident doctor #4 knows of these concerns. he understands my issue with privacy and knows i agonize how each decision i make can effect life ten years from now.

"look what i just got," he said, and eagerly motioned with his finger for me to follow him to another corner of the world. that corner revealed a huge, plastic wrapped stash of drug samples-- in this case, they were individual boxes of abilify (aripiprazole) tablets. abilify is "an exciting new 'weight neutral' atypical antipsychotic drug" from the collaborative efforts of bristol-myers squibb and otsuka america pharmaceutical labs. i don't know much about it other than it is extremely expensive, does not promote weight gain or loss, and it has a much lower level of sedation.

one must wonder... what if resident doctor #4 had just signed for an assortment of professional samples from pfizer warner-lambert? would their geodon (ziprasidone) antipsychotic product, instead of this abilify, have been the suggested candy of the week? are these powerful medicines in my best interest, or are they just what happens to be of interest?

abilify claims to offer a much more tolerable side effect profile. should i try it out? does it even matter? this needs not be a long term trial. why am i even thinking about it? yes? no? i wouldn't know where to read reviews from people who took it for similar reasons as myself. even though that review would probably not relate what i will experience, i would appreciate the alternative insight.

consider: buy why? doctors and patients should carefully elect their psychiatric medicines based on the drives they direct and the symptoms they can cure-- not a side effect profile. i once had a disgusting conversation with another blogger about this very topic. after being fed advertisement after advertisement, he had told me of his wish to try an antidepressant called wellbutrin (bupropion hydrochloride), and only for the purpose of losing weight. he didn't have the capacity to understand that he lacked pathological dysfunction needed to experience the medicine, and that one should not automatically choose medicine based on what other patients consider adverse effects. here i am being a similar idiot-- and how embarrassing because it's coming very naturally to me. it is impossible to predict any of my future 'physical experiences' with these pills because my mental perspective will contribute to that physical experience.

resident doctor #4 had given me professional samples of zyprexa (olanzapine) and then risperdal (risperidone) a long time ago, but neither antipsychotic tablet found a way into my system. both zyprexa and risperdal are notorious for exciting carbohydrate cravings, and also have the typical appetite and weight-related side effects. in the past, he has also tried to give me a prescription for seroquel (quetiapine) for use as an off label sleeper when insomnia and stress has been on high. it's resident doctor #4's job to work with these medications and he thinks nothing of throwing them around. since i am in weekly contact with him, their consideration isn't supposed to be a big deal.

resident doctor #4 insists i don't need to worry about weight if trying out one of these antipsychotics, because with the anorexia, i neither act on, nor have an ordinary response to hunger and craving sensations. this is true, and hard to argue. when i took an antidepressant for a few days last year, it made me phenomenally hungry and i loved it! inspiring a hunger didn't have anything to do with whether or not i acted on the libido. that particular antidepressant (effexor) simply made me ravenous but also strong enough to merely listen to the experience rather than fueling its need. this is interesting because before this experience, i would have noted that i was scared of hunger.

resident doctor #4 offered another valid point-- i might become exceptionally rigid in fasting and checking rituals if trying a pill which lists a side effect of increased appetite. will my own structure radically intensify the eating disorder in advance? i think so-- certainly, anorexia nervosa is not designed to cut loose without a fight. i can eat when experiencing elevated mood in an instance of security. medicine might make me happy, but it cannot secure a physical domain. we agree, regardless of the glucose and lipid metabolism citations, that i am not going to gain weight on zyprexa.

"with the way you are- with the way you go about food, i just cannot see it happening," says resident doctor #4. he certainly has a point, but what if he is wrong? anorexia would return only to beat me to death. resident doctor #4 seems much more concerned with neurological side effects like akathisia or other extrapyramidal symptoms).

we are both interested in what a trial of antipsychotic medicine would uncover, but are also apprehensive. [now now, and he shouldn't be fully trusted as he also thinks after i get a hold on digestion, that i should be allowed unlimited calories!]

i keep quasi-declining the prescription. perhaps a tweezer full of a 'weight neutral' antipsychotic formula could find a way onto my tongue for a few days. having lived in ridiculous isolation in the past, i am extremely aware of my internal world and to any changes made in it. i might like to experience the medicine, and am willing to relate those internal sensations, but when it comes down to it, i am scared of having it potentially change anything physically. the relationship between receptors, hormones, and the size of my chest is probably the only bodily concern and it is not necessarily the same thing as "weight gain" but it is a physical change. with purposely avoiding estrogenic and serotonergic substances, and my hypersensitivity, i am apt to notice each hormonal ache or difference in perception.

fear. aside from amphetamines, all trials in medication have just donated hell to my life. the chances are next to none that a radical benefit will outweigh my intolerance. why would i want to put myself through it? on the other hand, the trial with zoloft was severe, but i got to see what it was like to live without ocd rituals. zoloft also helped teach me to deal with desperate depressed days. perhaps i may become aware of a symptom if it subsides, and then returns to annoy.

i don't know if a tiny bit of abilify (the 'weight neutral' antipsychotic sample) could be powerful enough to make me act on that which i ordinarily do not. [?] will abilify change my thinking or alter my attitude? both? will it change the concept of 'cheeseburgers as sin' to that of a spirited freedom within a few days? basically, what i need to know in advance is: can less than one pill portioned out over the course of a week rattle my own philosophy? i am buying a car out of state a few days from now and need to drive it 2000 miles to california. will abilify (or any other antipsychotic medicine) change my mind and call the purchase off? will it free me enough that i cancel the credit card deposit and decide to buy a car which costs three or four times the price of the vehicle which is reserved?

i keep putting an honest acceptance and attempt of this type of medicine off because DAILY LIFE is in the way. DAILY LIFE should rightly always be in the way but every week seems to be a particularly wrong time to trial a medication. then again, DAILY LIFE was the excuse as to what interfered with testing out medicines back during the days when i could not leave the house.

i brought these concerns up with resident doctor #4 this morning (specifically the part about abilify 'changing my mind' and 'making' or 'allowing' me to buy a $100K car) and he said, "hmm, maybe it will! now that would give us something to talk about!" gee, thanks. i now have a bottle of abilify tablets but don't know when (if) to try this out. perhaps in a few days when i get home with either my new MINI S ($30K) or porsche turbo ($120K).

anti-anxiety medicines made me pace or exercise for a longer duration, antidepressants supplied suicidality... c'mon, when considering my previous paradoxical reactions, antipsychotics are ripe to provide an extremely vivid experience. i need to be responsible, thus at home for it.

weird! i've told no one i am flying across the country tomorrow to pick up my new car... and my mother just sent out an e-mail stating she is about to fly to that same city to attend a conference this week. i can't get in contact with her- she must have just left. it's wrong to ignore this, but it might be worse to try to find her. my mother is going to be mad at me if i do seek her out (because she is "working"), but possibly be more irate if i do not.

this is going to end up being the greatest day in my life- and not because one million good things happened to me today. though it can serve as a shelter, the vast majority of anxiety i experience is now useless. my weekend was complete shit for no reason and i am finally angry at what my anxiety disorder puts me through. since deciding to take this new perspective, and it's only been a short time, everything is different.

if purposely living wrong, the need to reside on the ceiling is rational. rather than talking about this in terms of intellectualizing unfamiliar emotional states, or correlating this with HPA axis related influences, it is much simpler to illustrate a break up. i have been falling out of love with stress and no longer enjoy its rush or feel a protection stemming from it. i feel like i have been secretly preparing my future and have just now slammed the door on a bad marriage.

please call us at your earliest convenience because the terms of your contract have changed.

well, here we go. i find out now whether or not all of the weekend's anxiety was justified. there is a small episode of panic, but more or less i am happy to finalize this. it bothers me how there is nothing to pull out of their sentence. i can't read between the lines, as the statement has been written to neither outwardly appear good nor bad. i am scared because i don't want this contract taken away from me in total due to one technicality.
-
-
rather than F myself up with more fear, i called immediately and then proceeded to make a fool of myself. their lawyer confirmed the altered contract terms with me over the phone. god! after the requirements were spelled out, i reread them aloud a second time, and then even had the lawyer recite them back to me. he chuckled-- i wanted to stab myself but at least the wording is known and precise.

so, it's fine. it's... always fine! nothing has been ruined or retracted. the requirement in the contract which i could not complete has been removed and everything is good to go.

the stressful ordeal is over but something much more grand than the completion and realization of this high dollar contract is unfolding. the financial excess is very interesting, but i only feel overwhelmed over the way i wasted my own time with worry.

i am tired and bored of being nervous about that which doesn't matter.

the entire weekend involved racing thoughts and was wasted dwelling on "if i don't care about the outcome of something, why won't anxiety relating to it stop!?" might this finally be a turning point? during the last few months i have been going through a process of 1) recognizing the specifics of anxiety disorder, 2) seeing how the majority of my problems (such as food) stem from it, 3) understanding i might not want or need so much anxiety, and right now 4) i think that some hate and disgust might help to eliminate it.

good- kill this topic, too!

i have just taken an ativan (anti-anxiety) to knock myself out, and it instead is flooring the panic! currently i am breathing out of my mouth in a makeshift lamaze rhythm and have been pacing around the house.

consider how it's only been frustrating and backwards:
- antidepressants = experienced suicidal thinking
- anti-anxiety/benzodiazepines = experienced heightened agitation

sunday night, time for racing thoughts to begin. at least i had yesterday off from pent up forbidden resentment and all of the nightmares it produces. now... the dread of impending business hours... the dread of a decision being made by other people.

whatever happens tomorrow, i happily accept either result. if the contract falls apart, fine. if we continue a relationship, even better. shouldn't this attitude work to turn off stress? the surge of nerves is starting up again and this is maddening because it doesn't feel needed, but i know i will be a nervous wreck until the contract is finalized.

ucla anxiety disorders clinic receptionist says:
"we don't take your health insurance."

flagrant says:
"shhh, you're making yourself look bad again."

ucla anxiety disorders clinic receptionist pauses, says:
"um."

flagrant does not, but is desperate to say:
"you REALLY should be able to handle this by now."

ucla anxiety disorders clinic receptionist says:
"oh, i see. we do take that insurance."

- drove home
- have been experiencing elements of this new thing called anger
- its take no crap, i've got options part is pretty nice
- still prefer silent frustration over silent thoughts of violence

- cancelled all appointments at ucla's westwood medical center
- fingered a referral for a physician in new york city
- established a relationship with an internist at columbia university medical center

consider how lunacy trumps severity, and why i should or should not force the amusement in order to cancel out frustration.

there had been too much tension/ remained fraught with apprehension/ a restlessness regarding what will happen with this contract was too intense/ exhausted myself and fell asleep/ nightmares/ airline crashes/ appearing on the game show jeopardy!/ all defined evaluation or performance anxieties.

a knock on the door pulled me out of one nightmare/ abruptly returned to the other/ sign here for contract-related paperwork, please/ tore open the fedex envelope/ found the sentence deep in the fine print/ confirmed my overnight panic/ perhaps this fine print might not be a big deal/ PERHAPS THIS FINE PRINT IS A BIG DEAL/ might the problem just be an issue pertaining to language?/ consider/ but nothing ever goes smoothly/ even when every nobody intentionally does anything wrong.

how to hold the experience/ how to deal with these roller coaster emotions/ hate it/ embarrassed of the ride/ the requirement to turn on, manage, and act human rather than return to the not-quite-silent hum of off/ red with how a tightening of the central nervous system remains a hard topic even though in the end it's always fine/ embarrassed in the understanding/ how in perpetuating the disconnection from personal attachments, even a review of minor anxieties will thrive.

consider/ scared of experiencing anger?/ i might rightly be pissed off if this conflict in contract turns out to be a minor issue/ what a huge exercise in wasted stress/ a lot of time was spent deciding whether or not to sign on to this project/ want/ concerned it may all dissolve/ hate that i want and now there is a chance i might not get/ painful/ rule/ never tolerate disappointment/ protection/ never set self up for disappointment/ consider/ learn to tolerate your own level of pain/ thus never flinch in the face of pain offered by anything else/ strong/ hard/ AND they say flagrant B even though flagrantly B is abundant and replete rather than poor/ consider/ welcome to the real world where you will occasionally be disrupted/ huff/ i can live with and without things/ very well thank you/ but will never endure feeling dissatisfaction.

AND F time zones/ AND F the people on the other end of this contract as they are already experiencing the weekend/ AND F their virtual barbecue/ AND find them/ beat them/ make them get their revolting tommy bahamas off the couch of crumbs and confirm these forms/ consider/ let's pretend this is japan/ let's think nothing of overworking constantly/ new rule/ my life, too, should stop at noon on friday/ hark, the weekend/ flagrant says/ who you are and whatever it is you are saying does not exist until 8:00am monday/ consider/ my excellence in that.

yesterday was so crazy in excess and purpose that i bought a new car/ shut up/ consider/ on the most expensive day of my life does an automobile purchase rank in conversation?/ no/ try to define this ridiculous life/ it's sitting at a dealership on the other side of the country/ shut up/ AND now i must buy an airline ticket/ shut up/ AND then drive it through many squarish states to california/ shut up/ stop giving me that look/ consider/ having the car transported in a closed shipping container?/ DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF, YOU GD LOSER/ consider/ endless road trip is essential/ the waving golden grains/ AND the toothless grins/ AND "whut kinda c'ar is dat?!"/ reapplication of rule/ will again actively try to never WANT/ superstition/ if i say i want to make the serene drive across the country, the damn car is apt to break down/ isn't it?/ in a flyover state/ which lacks an authorized dealership or service center/ ah... i can hardly wait.

on the bookshelf:
- the molecular basis of excitability
- rand mcnally road atlas and travel guide (1997)
- affiliative impulses
- the deflated narcissist

consider:
- reduce this anxiety?
- take an ativan tablet?
- at 6:00am?
- tap my feet until finding its window of calming opportunity?
- risk a paradoxical reaction?
- worry about an increase in excitability and aggression?
- fear tomorrow's inevitable rebound anxiety?

consider how the complications surrounding taking a benzodiazepine or other medicine to reduce anxiety often causes an increase in symptoms.

consider:
- bronkaid and caffeine?
- lacing up the running shoes?
- sirius portable satellite radio?

rule: heart attack trumps panic attack.

fact: i spontaneously signed on to a bigger life.
consider: contracted to life?
fact: it's supposed to be uncomfortable but not painful.

- just noticed a potential disaster in the written detail
- cannot fill a minor requirement of the contract i just signed
- is this a big deal, or minor enough it can be blown off?
- suddenly scared out of my mind
- what happens now?
- is this a loss?
- i NEED answers to calm down

fact: anxiety ordinarily works to keep me from situations like this:
- the over analyzing, multiple cross checking of facts
- the agonizing of the inconsequential or minuscule details
- too much concern prior decision assures the outcome
- much comfort in the security of 'no surprises'

consider: grasp for the slowly disappearing nerves, stay rooted in it!

- as is the norm, all is quiet and outwardly numb at this desk
- the thrashing anxiety under the surface is going to kill me

- i was not supplied with the final fine print until an hour ago.
- e-mail, it arrived in the middle of the night
- cosmopolitan living and constant foreign translations
- is this horrible dread real?
- or merely blown out of proportion?
- under cloak of darkness, the spark of obligation is intense.

- forehead to the desk, all clenched up.
- now what happens?
- is this an inconvenience which can be processed?
- bring this to immediate attention?
- ignore it?
- fear and doubt (x 1000 other concerns)

- oh my fucking god, what if i had proceeded to enjoy signing this?
/error/ does not compute/

- cannot direct these emotions properly
- cannot express myself like a human being
- oh yeah? what if this falls apart sounds pretty damn human to me!

default feeling: "i shouldn't exist."
/conflict/ somewhat does not compute/

consider: cry from stress, the overwhelming unknown.
fact: allowed to mourn the loss of comfort without embarrassment
- new! improved!

fact: anxiety is important, i am my own safety net.
consider: if i had close knit personal relationships...
consider: a family functioning for something other than the symbolic...
consider: a support network...
consider: how every decision wouldn't weigh so much...?

consider: how to tack a 'whatever' to this and go to bed?
consider: how to ever relax?

consider: why relax?
fact: hey, i never sign on to the provincial. this is huge!!!
consider: death of tonight's sanity is perfectly justified.

- hours of nervousness was already expended toward this contract.
- hours of uncomfortable gastrointestinal spasm attacks endured.
- anxieties were related to 'just' signing it.

consider: what if the contract dissolves?
- contract = want + need
- want without get = pain
- need without get = fear

rule: i insist on experiencing pain on my own terms.

consider: find and label these emotions.
- 8.87, strong!
- anticipation/fear/pain/anger/disappointment
- perhaps a slight relief if my responsibility is dropped
consider: normal?
consider: tension, my 87th interpretation of sick?
--------

father's doomsday voice whispers:
"you're going to get sued for how much?"

brain quickly counters:
"just indicate some anxiety, not father's fits o'phrenia, okay?"

chuck's voice, without typical invalid friend inflection, states:
"both parties want and need to make this contract happen."

consider: situation hardly ranks as a conflict?
--------

- bitterness
- horror
- frustration
- doubt

i.don't.like.these.emotions.or.know.how.to.manage.their.sensations.
AND together they still only equal oh my god, what will happen?!

cancel the contract?
experience time travel!
return to yesterday?

today marks the most expensive day of my life/ i don't want to write much else.

consider: throwing up water to create swollen glands as to mask weight loss.

it hits back harder.
i may actually be screwed.

REX says: "do not eat FISH, you will offend the FISH!"
REX says: "do not eat FISH, you will offend the fish."

flagrant says: "ah, sick or not, i'll always disdain fish."

REX says: "do not eat FISH, you will offend the vegans!"
REX says: "do not eat FISH, you will offend the ranchers!"
REX says: "do not eat FISH, you will offend--"

flagrant says: "you?"
flagrant says: "why mask as rules or structure? why aren't you the reason?"
flagrant says: "how about do not live, you will offend DEATH?"

- not a good challenge considering illness could get tighter.
- anorexia could easily 'demand authority' without distraction.
"do not ever eat anything. this is how it is."
consider: would the episodes of NOTHING be capable of endurance?

consider: rules and structure = distraction from the harm?
consider: rules and structure = designed to keep me alive?

i kept steamed FISH in last night. well, technically this morning, as these damn rules dictate there will never be food on thursday. lacking the patience the blog needs to define the following: there seemed to be a magic or safety in the FISH that had previously been sought out in the opposite type of foods, but never found.

magic- i mean the food had a performance secondary to energy which cannot be easily articulated. sedating? no. sort of. the perfect word is a combination of many (clean, soothing, mother, tranquil, nourish/soul, warmth, secure, and yes, comfortable) but the vocabulary doesn't stack very well against eating disorders. for instance, soothing and comfortable fit into a portion of the FISH experience, but on a whole those terms are completely wrong. it is never comfortable to eat, but there were a few downward slopes of a calm. [??] i can only recall one other food-related experience which has not provoked its own anxiety and it was due to being overwhelmed that night by the largest threat possible.

FISH: fresh, plain, natural, pure (no ingredients/salts/coloring/solution)
fish: frozen, processed (canned/boxed), coatings, flavored, additives
consider: but does FISH and fish refer to fish?

- anorexia insults this FISH.
- jokingly relates 'magic' to the environmental chemicals.

- yesterday, the body kept saying FISH FISH FISH.
- food rules regulate nutritional composition and the expense.
- difficult to have, must fumble with vocabulary, NEED not want
- very hard to buy outside of the rules.

- should be safe + fit parameters = FISH < daily allotment
- had i been sick on FISH (guilt/money/death) today would be bad.

- listen to the body
- uh no, the body always craves minerals and fat.
consider: chuck would supply heavily marinated and salted roasts?
consider: perhaps the unthinkable cheesecake for 17 days straight?

none of the obnoxious fears have been confirmed, either. [fears of waking up with bad skin, bodily smells, of causing water retention, headaches or weird pains.] granted, it was a very tiny portion of the purist, leanest, and whitest FISH possible, but there were no true discomforts which couldn't be shut off until i started typing this out.

sure, now i am thinking about it... yeah. "my body is suddenly heavy, arms in particular, and i shouldn't allow myself to leave the house today..."

horrible, because i need to play normal, and make actual decisions while shopping. a microwave, a down to earth coffee maker rather than coffee machine, and a camera- i hate having to spend, but especially have a problem with this since two of those three items challenge my history.

consider: tapering the amphetamine.
consider: something other than sunshine for dinner.
consider: FISH not fish.
flagrant says: "okay, but shhhhh!!!"

[edit: tightening this post]

- my hybrid car high-mpg hacking project started last night
- twelve people made themselves comfortable in my house
- if my house was other than amazing, this would have been hell
translation: subscribing to an image disorder helps in the short term.
flagrant says: "...which is why i should buy the porsche."

embarrassing: my coffee maker started to grumble and die.
holy ridiculous: good coffee machines cost $3000+ !?

- these people are all welcome to return on project nights
- only four of them will be actively involved
- perfect
- i have access to four new hybrid vehicles

secret scholarship: when finished, each person can keep 'their' car.
prediction: two of these guys will never leave my life.

munchkin-watch, part II:
i am going to be an aunt again.

- could learn a lot about my own anxiety if involved
- how to get involved?
- munchkin-mother lives in minnesota
- i reside mostly in southern california

- she works a at dead end data entry job
- drives an old car not out of choice
- only took one lame degree
consider: never 'finished' college.
- put first child in daycare at one month old to return to work
- persistently complains about but never adjusts finances
- for example, owns two expensive 100 pound dogs and many cats

this would be my second version of the end of the world. i am not being an ass, but take the 'wonder' of procreation out of the equation and let's question the happiness. oh, the thrill and excitement of the what if, but why not entitle fear to cancel out all positives until a plan is in place? elevated mood should not yet rank. let's question how other people, such as her family members, get excited and gear up to help, rather than snidely mumble about the appalling lack of organization?

the main difference lies in her family. my parents would only see a child as a chore and expense- dwelling on the many horrors the future will now bring. munchkin-mother's parents view a new baby as a 'joy' and fun activity to look forward to in their dreary lives.

i can picture her mom in a state of exhilaration, actively wanting to babysit for a weekend. contrast that attitude against my mother wanting to know why she would need "to take up the slack..." and that i "need to stop relying on, or obligating other people..." what would follow is a rant rooted in how i had better get my ass "in gear to plan for, and now manage what i have done."

the entertainment education offers v. sex in a dead end town

a 300 pound woman, who is sitting next to the neighbor's swimming pool, can be heard excusing herself from all wet exercise. something about i don't want to get obsessive. goddamn. so much bigness in size, in attitude- even in voice! now i am obligated to suit up the new indentations, climb high, and be seen diving into my own pool.
-

mm-hmm, but that's so much fatter than her in total though, isn't it?
-

do you think my new bikini makes my liver look fat?
perhaps a different color would have been better?
-

from the diving board, where REX insisted on getting a better look, one could see that even the 300 pound woman's notebook computer was thick. game over. must learn how to mentally retch without the facial grimacing and put the bitchiness to bed...

REX says: "but it's been so fun!"

consider: REX (in the form of life force) hates on all complacency.
consider: how hate of satisfaction is distinguished from its result. (size)

consider: relocating my personality of 2004.
note: it won't be pretty until it settles into its own.
consider: shiny51 roadster, going/doing, the snarky rep.
consider: how REX functioned as burden rather than obstructor.

- AND fine
i am finally ready to face allergy testing.

consider: anorexia allows virtually no food options.
consider: allergy confirmation may eliminate some of the above.
correct perspective: "results in catastrophe, promotes nutso life."

"you can't EVER have _______."
"oh yeah, well i won't have anything then, nnehhhhh!"

[*shrugs*]

consider: changing the safety.
consider: a dietary structure which isn't chaotic.

- AND now
i have an appointment scheduled for the far future.

consider: allergy testing.

what has been taking so long to get this done?:
- fear, what if i react to everything?
- fear, what if i react to nothing?
- what if allergy is, meh, merely intolerance?
- what if it truly is a combination of mind and metabolism?
- what if REX rules the allergy?
- what if allergy rules the REX?
- the confirmation of 'what to avoid' offers freedoms.
- i don't need food freedoms.
- i want puzzles, to jump through high hoops, and distractions.

rule: no what if, no wish, no fear, no want.

anything positive to come from allergy testing?:
- avoiding the breakouts and rashes from certain fabrics.
- could have positive experiences with sunscreen/sunblock.
- toothpastes wouldn't make my mouth ache and skin peel.
- eliminate overnight trichotillomania, scratching eyelashes
- wouldn't be physically sick when choosing safe foods.
- appearance, i now look alien or chronically ill.

random fact: cereal box dietitian is gorgeous and non-threatening.

proactive, dammit.
crap, did i write that down?
time to read the writing.

fine
fine
fine

attempted to schedule three appointments today:
- internal medicine at ucla
- allergy & immunology at ucla
- cereal box dietitian in beverly hills

three telephone calls turned into thirteen
AND still...
only the headache is set up.

oh, i see the problem-- reflex
the inherent power of the circadian slump.
lunch line, munchtime- what a bunch of sows.
receptionists should just work at the bakery.

afternoon develops a passion for ___________.
not: anger, frustration, apathy.
consider: a rather fast cycle of each?

consider: eye contact.
consider: set up appointments in person.

resident doctor #4 sent me home with a sample of an offensive prescription drug/ instructions are to combine this new BAD pill with an ativan tablet/ "take half of this tablet and then half of that twice a day"/ sample of BAD medicine comes with a very unfavorable yet standard side effect profile/ it appears once again that this BAD pill is 'not to treat' a specific problem but instead to welcome an emotional experience/ consider/ his secret?/ consider/ i should not know?

consider/ perhaps this outwardly appears to be the worst month of my life/ consider/ perhaps the combination of pills is to change everything/ note/ i will not accept elevated mood/ fact/ fear/ this BAD pill will strengthen my personality/ consider/ eliminate the conflict which keeps me in check/ consider/ this BAD pill is a throttle/ to bankruptcy/ to obesity/ to slack/ to complacency/ AND satisfaction.

i just forced the purging of foods causing an allergic reaction/ consider/ why not take an allergy medicine/ consider the colored dyes and allergens found in those allergy pills/ consider the best choice/ safely steamed plain vegetable strips/ valuable/ wasted effort/ wasted time/ vomiting process burned more calories than food contained/ hungover/ wonky sick from red pepper and hungry for that which i will never find/ itchy/ snotty/ now seriously craving salt/ should erase this/ should not be online.

why welcome anger?/ touch the safety while experiencing the sensation/ (growl)/ am i not so fucking angry at everything that it has scripted itself in the form of dents and grooves on my LIFEBOX?/ ah, yes/ must live it/ learn to watch for/ recognize/ direct it properly/ one common side effect of this mind bender is its propensity toward enhanced appetite and weight gain even on a calorie restricted diet/ chuck doesn't go for putting me through that shit and has previously been on rd#4's ass about it/ conflict/ rd#4 requests i investigate the GOOD antiobsessional and antidepressant properties/ it's impossible for me to keep all three of us in humor/ AND now?/ starve that feeling to sleep all week/ all i do is wait for things to end so they can restart on better footing/ how to stare down time?/ in a random act of solidarity chuck took the pills away.

the crap anorexia pulls to thrive:/ the tablet contains a minuscule amount of corn starch/ strike one/ the tablet is supposed to be swallowed twice a day/ how's that?/ anorexia does not allow me to eat daily, let alone ever be able to 'eat' this pill twice a day/ strike two/ strike three is obnoxious but essential to thwart that horribly boring thing known as moderation:/ "i can't locate any documentation which states any patients have lost a profound amount of weight while eating this combination of pills"/ haha/ AND the lunacy swings/ strike three, you're out/ mm-hmm/ stuck in the conflict between understanding what's off about the chosen team, yet having enough fun with it to never consider changing sides.

oh, great promise of structure and spiritual fulfillment, it's the assumptive day one. beautiful, but can it counter this, my ugliest day on earth? i am trapped in the endless looping of time where thinnest stemware, broken numbers, and charted accomplishment devastatingly betray all satisfaction. success, if true, only grants another immediate and enormous undertaking. sleep steals less than an hour out of each 24, now longer than a month, and today, a resident doctor #4 day, will undoubtedly find me holding a prescription to seek out more distress.

on the bookshelf:
- fighting for the liberty of drama
- the escape account
- waiting for the forward flip
[or, how travis just keeps going backwards]

acknowledged and compartmentalized this depression to knock it out/ effort has instead functioned to water the weeds/ THE DOOM will carry itself into the weekend/ ruin it/ chill the peace/ wednesday, thursday, and friday were shot due to the combination of my demeanor and a slow-witted unemotional beast.

can this hopelessness be referred to as a pumpkin or is that one too out there?/ tired of rearranging stale vocabulary/ depression now differs from depression then and it proves difficult to illustrate a state of mind in print when the words never change/ on watercolor paper dysphoria may have once been a fog/ cloud of dots/ swarms of messes/ a thickness/ maple syrup?/ consider/ depression is not outfitted be the pumpkin/ depression is in the wardrobe.

convince myself these forehead-on-the-floor feelings are a good sign/ must be thinking about the problem rather than languorously tasting some of that make myself feel better nonsense/ frustrating/ tools to solve the problem have been bought but time must now be spent in learning each use/ here are the tools/ go toward the light/ the goal/ see it?/ yeah, now/ now/ give it to me now.

how agonizing back when depression had no revealed reason/ it's much worse in coming to uncover, articulate, and now wait for placement/ stuck in time/ proactive, dammit/ but still stuck/ cannot immediately unglue a current overwhelming issue but did all which could be done/ AND more/ bought [bad thing] at the drugstore/ put its surge to work/ completed the 'first step to unstick' by filling out necessary legal forms/ acted on a side project by treating agoraphobia as dead while walking those papers to the post office/ it lives/ felt better for a few minutes after the mailbox swallowed my honest attempt/ while running home it rained flower blossoms which stuck to my LIFEBOX but [bad thing] maintained THE DOOM and anxiety/ bad idea to do [bad thing]?/ nope/ worse to mope/ good to dwell on stuck as then progress can be made/ post-it notes around the house keep me in confrontation/ churn inside until that magical day.

no metaphor/ no easy way to illustrate this except in english/ very boring/ skip ahead/ i have a disability and never trust repetitively proven abilities to tend to myself outside of my home/ ever/ cannot shake history of living virtually housebound and consider it constantly/ must obsess/ anxiety as adaptational advantage/ protection/ subsequent action delays the possibility of returning to that horrible place/ worry fends off something worse/ gods of superlotto smiling down never bought relevant faith or a new history/ it would take pretty close to all of the money in the world to counter this doubt/ anxiety as a survival tool creates a hyperarousal/ hyperarousal becomes painful/ starve, purge/ cut, burn/ antidote to mental suffering/ impractical/ startingly pathological/ chronicity/ comprehensive.

getting unstuck/ simple going and doing gained a new timeline and earned esteem/ eye can say i while speaking of pride and the extraordinary/ out and about is not working fast enough/ why enroll in a full time university program this fall over the original plan of working at a day-to-day job for someone else?/ consider/ if fear screws up school, it just fucks me/ consider/ if fear disrupts someone else's business, it fucks other people/ AND i cannot bear the thought/ AND i cannot relax/ AND i know i would never screw up/ AND here defines crazy/ blogging reveals a need to regulate the roller coaster/ instead i have enrolled in an additional twelve credits at a second university/ oh, better still/ AND just paid for five idiot credits at a local community college/ problem/ "how many advanced degrees do you need?"/ problem/ "...placing yourself in the position where no one could afford to hire you."/ consider/ isolation and alienation/ consider/ deliberately rely on another for anything other than self experience?/ problem/ this overstuffed schedule isn't near enough to fill my fall.

prior to the allowance of an elevated mood one must show the work/ reflecting on these fragmented postings is both embarrassing yet strangely improved/ consider/ gagged by alexithymia/ is art produced from waxy crayons ever phenomenal or is it just hung for interpretation in the chaotic modern hall?/ depends on the mood/ these dumbass posts serve the future and not a reader/ a timid whisper to a scream.

currently trying to read a forum for people who refer to themselves as depressed yet are also all over the place, but due to my low tolerance for biblical signature lines... well, there aren't many. in darkness at least one verse is expected but something about the word 'shepherd' can quickly invalidate all. cyberhugs. chains of tiny heart icons. people desperate to find protection put it all out there only to receive cyber ice cream cone offerings. how do those things not make people squint harder? in disgust, i imagine an even deeper spike of trauma. a cyber ice cream cone wouldn't cut it for me- i'd need 500 sent from sarcastic authors to authenticate the humor.

i am having a difficult time right now in wanting to stay in the world. depression is perpetually on fire. the mental pain smolders but nothing but personality ever goes cold.

"know it gets bad occasionally and be fine with it."
this outlook doesn't work.

"just hold on."
neither does that.

i always delve into the ridiculous and regard moving home to quiver under the direction of mom and dad to be the best pick. then again, today, how much is this option going to cost my future?

perhaps, i should mention the idea. perhaps not, as it would worry my dad. how am i going to get through tonight let alone the rest of time?

what am i supposed to do with the urgency of self injury? if i were to direct the anger properly, rather than using the pain to dissociate or refract mental anguish, other people would suffer and i would be jailed. insulting my body is the best option.

suppose authority would never allow an independent addition or for one of my neologisms in a partial hospitalization program/ a quick ransacking of files reveals the paperwork from an earlier attempt/ note/ failed attempt to fatten me up for their hot pot/ no food is to be brought in from outside of the hospital/ requisite string beans/ prescription ice cream/ consider/ the hell/ consider/ the noise/ expect/ bacon eggs toast butter cereal and juice/ rule will stand until dean krahn dies/ there will be no delirious juice/ consider/ who strives to understand yolks?/ why should toast stack on the useless when bacon has its own anniversary?/ expect/ to eventually pop eggs if popping all suggested eggs/ rule/ there will be no mittelschmerz/ expect a fight/ expect we all live on a different planet now/ funny how the term vagus nerve clenches my abdomen/ sudden fear/ something about FISH, three tea bags to a mug, and pyrus or sin/ note/ FISH not fish/ perhaps/ how does one avoid the smell that tells?/ consider/ health insurance is one month and three days old/ should schedule appointments with an internist and the famous cereal box dietitian/ but only to quell fears of cardiovascular disease/ only due to previous seizures/ only to confirm allergies/ consider/ only to procure a reverse insult and directions for special diets on paper/ to prove LIFEBOX lives wrong/ rule/ no physician or dietitian for REX or anorexia's arch enemy BACKWARDS HABIT until filing for divorce/ consider/ this healthy proactivity will further a destructive influence/ good is bad/ bad is unspeakable bliss.

"edit that"/ said REX/ "bliss is a fatter word than pleasure"/ true/ consider/ if bad is already unspeakable it needs not worsen/ "subtracting from positive is fine, but if you continue to manipulate the negative i will insist on changing your name"/ replied flagrant/ "the air of insanity is quite entertaining..."/ "but loopiness cannot be character specific and instead needs to be driven by the multitudes of circumstance"/ consider/ not even a hum from the form of life force/ "so, you will not be speaking two languages to me in the same sentence"/ no response/ consider/ the weight of words/ how silence + REX computes 99.999% of the time/ new rule/ bad now stops at broken.

consider/ confirming food intolerances and allergic reactions will snatch the last dented can from an already bankrupt pantry/ suggestions from cereal box dietitian will promote striking restriction from REX in regard to calories/ AND money spent/ how to hold both proof and the smirk?/ how to prepare and perfect the LIFEBOX for physical examination?/ how to don a gown and sit on scratchy paper?/ how to weigh nothing immediately to eliminate the crisp sound in the antiseptic room?/ the soothing way to silently articulate symptoms is to draw it on the LIFEBOX/ consider/ how to break rules and be prodded by the fat internist's fingers?/ note/ perfect involves DEATH/ consider/ DAILY LIFE/ constant conflict/ consider/ this persistent state of shakespeare.