flagrant disregard

chuck has just stretched over me to view the two photographs which were posted in the previous blog entry. from where he stood, chuck could not clearly interpret the image detailing the saucepan of boiling water. after absorbing the photograph in full, i think he was somewhat sorry for taking an interest.

"where was that?"
a beach house kitchen on the coral coast of fiji.
"when did you travel to fiji!?"
may- right after returning from a psychedelic trip to thailand.
"where did you stay-- and WHY?"

that particular vacation to the south pacific offered a variety of accommodations. the weather worn beach house pictured in an earlier entry was clean and exactly what was needed. peaceful, isolated, perfect- i would definitely return.


a private bure- thatched roof beachfront hut, fiji islands

funny. surely chuck should remember fiji- the trip which cost less than the total cost of parking the car at lax long term in 'lot b.' [i've only mentioned the airfare error to nadi and all of the relevant financial facts three hundred times.] fiji and the cook islands- the short vacation in which i arrived home distinctively starved. fiji was noteworthy as it indicated the beginning of a long period of depression and decompensation. oh yes, he remembers now.

chuck said i never showed him any travel photographs.
none- not just the photographs of fiji.
none from burma? cambodia? cuba and belize?
none from all of the celebrity parties in europe?
nope, no photos-- none as in never.

you know, at first i thought he was kidding.
a chance to reveal the last few years. why not?


passport stamp- fiji islands one month visitor visa

as chuck looked through the photo albums, he was hit with continual examples of extremism. it's as though he never saw anything aside from eating disorder hitting the utmost +/- grade available. a $50 week long vacation, a 5-star suite in bangkok, three trips to europe in under a month, a roach motel in munich, a $10,000 spontaneous weekend, the 24-hour long bus ride in myanmar... the grotty guest house which was entirely secured behind bars in scary belize city.

the uneasiness here lies not in the showcase, but rather in just how concealed i have kept my life.

i don't know how to handle food for this upcoming weekend in hawaii. in an attempt to stay alive, anorexia is making new restrictions in every direction- either that, or the voice the eating disorder thinks it has, is directed at the project with resident doctor #4.


waiting out the thunderstorm- teacup, fiji islands

there is a window for food on saturday.
it is very important.
[-but i do not care-]
[-but i do care that i do not care-]
life, death- there is no "if."
i don't know what else to type.

explain the restrictions of form and calories?
i would rather not.
food is allowed on saturday- that's the point.

the problem surrounds the foods i can eat.
how to secure one or two of those three items?
each individual item would be impossible to pack along.

my vacation accommodations suck.
a condo is booked, but the bath only has a corner shower.
i didn't find that out until yesterday.
note: my favorite pastime is sulking in luxurious marble bathtubs.
cancun, in particular.
the oriental in bangkok...
old world amsterdam... soaking in antique clawfoot tubs.

invalid friend, by the way, is staying home.
no further comment.

[-good mood is beginning to stir here-]

[repeat]
it's just me.
all alone and scared.
what am i doing?
loneliness in paradise.
[/repeat]

hold on, i do loneliness and fear in paradise several times a year and do it very well. one fact i never mentioned about this getaway was that it was brought on by a bargain fare, or perhaps fare error, by northwest airlines worldvacations. a $200 off coupon code was valid for use on individual itineraries rather than double occupancy occupancy bookings. when priced out, the entire vacation package (round trip airfare, hotel, and taxes) from los angeles to the hawaiian islands cost less than $130.

[-good mood may have just arrived here-]

consider: hawaii as undemanding?
perhaps.

consider: domestic, provincial.
definitely.

i rave about formidable infrastructure in ugly foreign destinations, while yammering on how first world beauty unsuccessfully covers up broken systems. hawaii is a light destination in that there will be a neopolitan familiarity- brand recognition, language, and confidence behind the wheel of the rental car. ordinarily, cambodia and the like in south east asia are much easier destinations for me. burma, for example, is not difficult.


winning the cooked food argument- collective kitchen, fiji islands

the best case scenario, with 'best' stemming from the perspective of an anorexic mindset, is to give in to behavior and spent four days without tolerable food. i have managed to boil water in some fabulously dilapidated places, so why is the anxiety signaling at importance this time?

yeah, i know.

the annoying noise of leaf-blower tuesday.
i love consistency.

meh. the previous post spells out the need to seek out experiences where i have a huge chance at being a face-planting failure. hmm, no.

[day two of the newest ssri / antidepressant trial]

this medicine experience:

+ constant simmering rage
[about something, but i don't know what]

+ suicidal thoughts
[oddly lacking that attractive motivation]

+ feel like the loneliness person in the world
[even when another person is nearby]
[even when he is spouting off platitudes of love]

+ itchy, skin irritation
[everywhere, especially on the boniest parts of my chest]
[can't look and excite anorexia, how good (bad, hungry) i've been]
[can't scratch for fear of the tender centered thumbprint]
consider: merely an allergic reaction to latex? lycra blend clothing?

+ increased depression
[a lower, but steady level of depressed mood]

+ angry at the subsequent insomnia
[difficulties in fully falling asleep]
[early waking, without returning to bed]
note: early waking confirms the increase of depression.
consider: how did i used to stay awake for those endless days?

+ persistent need to act on increased ocd-like compulsions
note: compulsions are tapping, repeating, counting, or checking.
[compulsions are not yet disabling]
[compulsions are increasing in variety and rate]
[compulsions are highly noticeable and annoying]
note: not quite habit, not quite ritual- yet.
note: i never notice these behaviors are gone until they return.

example of a current compulsion: when done typing and removing my hands from the keyboard, i need to "go back" and touch the enter key with a specific finger. if i don't touch it properly in the center, that is, if i accidentally feel the edge of the enter key, i will need to touch something else (for instance, a different key) and then redo the original enter key compulsion properly.

note: this is a minor experience, but it's horrible! none of aforementioned finger tapping matters yet, but who could appreciate the recreation of what was an almost forgotten world of satanic hopscotch? these instances of motion are attached to an undetermined superstition. if i retract my hands from the keyboard and refuse to perfectly touch the enter key, something bad will happen. like what? perhaps someone will die? no, that is common media sensationalism or simplification, and i refuse to imagine a common enter key holds that much mystical influence. in my ocd, a minor ritual is performed to ward off an embarrassment-related situation. what the disgrace may be in relationship to the enter key, is unclear.

another example of a compulsion: after releasing the car's gasoline cap at the service station, i might feel compelled to touch it again. what bad thing might happen if i refuse the habit? perhaps the credit card reader at the gas pump island might fail and i would reluctantly have to interact with society (waiting in line, speaking with the cashier). what if the credit card reader audibly declined my card for absolutely no reason? it might be meaningless to someone, but occasionally i have days where a declined card error in public would be a humiliating, gnawing event. the ritual of touching the gas cap is an incredibly minor inconvenience should it work, and since it originally did prove positive, the ritual has been reinforced.

i told myself i would take this medicine for two weeks, no matter what happened, and use the time to map out life without the force of libido- libido in the sense of being physically driven, as in motivation, not a sexually saturated definition. will this transpire? i don't know. i would at least need to find and pick up a pen, but am feeling too complacent to locate any will.

my brother spent over two years processing a divorce-
it was finalized in november.

his ex-wife remarried on christmas day-
vowing to forever love my brother's former best friend.

this week she filed papers to initiate her next divorce.
appalling, sure, but why be surprised when a whore acts like a whore?

note: motherfigure sent this information in an e-mail.
consider: why does my family even know any of this?

note: today begins another trial of antidepressant medicine.
brain thinks: hang on world- roller coaster blog entertainment!

- a typical ssri.
- ssri medications donate disastrous weeks to my life.

consider: weight loss? hunger? elevated mood? suicidality?
consider: fear?
- fear of feeling suicidal.
- suicide does not make sense at this time in my life.
note: considering the past, it was definitely a valid option.
note: i believe it would not have been a bad choice.

- fear of drug induced suicidal feelings sounding practical.
- fear of hunger.
- fear of acknowledging hunger.
- fear of weight gain without increasing food intake.
- fear of letting go.
- fear of complacency.
- even fear of weight loss as it will excite anorexia.
note: hard to believe that last one, but it ranks today.

note: these trials of medicine are not to 'treat' any specific problem.
note: i am activated and none of this is due to a pill.
- once found relief from ocd behaviors through zoloft.
consider: might or might not find a tolerable medicine to manipulate.

rd#4 says: "patients come in and leave with a prescription..."
rd#4 says: "it works for some, sometimes not."
rd#4 says: "i don't give a damn about any of those people--"
rd#4 says: "i don't care if the medicine works..."
rd#4 says: "i don't care if they take it or if they ever come back."
rd#4 says: "i care about you."
rd#4 says: "i want to hear everything you have to say."

note: fear.
consider: pressure.

it scares me when resident doctor #4 becomes noticeably excited as our conversations turn towards celebrity relationships or chance encounters. nicole ritchie and paris hilton, my soon to be cereal box dietitian and her television appearances, mary kate and that damn photographer at ucla, famous boyfriends, and geneology-- we spent a long time talking about paris and nicole today, diet dr. pepper, and how anorexia demands a much sleeker realm. notably we spoke of excess, the facts of health, and maddening media promotion of what will never be truth.

no conjecture, he knows. would i then opt to share needles over the brilliance of my starved experience? nah, i like what i like.

how does one fire an employee, yet somehow retain three hours worth of their talent to possibly use approximately nine months from now? [background information: this person was used to translate english to business chinese on forms, and also helped me design product labels. his work was formulated into several standard templates which i can now use unassisted. i may need him to tweak something eventually, but other than that, he didn't cost much but now only functions as an expense.]

i will not feel bad about this.
[yes i will.]
no, i will relish in cost effective self sufficiency.

life happens.
things change.
roll with it or find a physician.

ridiculous: electrolyte issues tonight due to digesting food yesterday.
note: cereal, steamed vegetables.
note: fluttering heart, blurred vision, wonky typing (word/letter omissions)

rather than renewing my contract, i signed a lease for office space in a much more convenient location. a tendency to never feel content in a new place continues, so it is important to not only note this relocation, but also state that i have fully moved in. nails have been driven into the wall, the recycling bin out back is full of flattened boxes- so sue me. what? i can't park my range rover up on the curb? if i'm the only one around, why not? oh, i see it's jealousy related rather than an inconvenience. no worries, it's only driven for work.

everything is better. (as i am not speaking out of the mouth of illness, yes, this relates "good" in a traditional sense.) i can't help wondering if the majority of this move was an attempt to avoid the nosy and unintelligible korean woman who owns the local mailbox rental business. there will be no delivery hassles at the new address and continuing that rental is unnecessary. perhaps her existence did help catalyze the decision, but so what?

dear world, what, aside from agoraphobia and social isolation, could i use as a form of dumbass repellent? they're all swarming and i am truly suffocating. please help.

plan: donate aforementioned vespa gift certificate.
consider: buy one advanced scooter, or two classic manual models?

[later:]
consider: vespa gift certificate will cover three dinky 'typhoon' models!
consider: riding this at over 60 mph?

taxi and temple, the shwemawdaw pagoda- rural drive near bago, burma


500 more stressors centering around:
father = vietnam veteran (we assume)
me = buying an investment guest house in vietnam
note: soon to be heavily touristed area, along the coast.

consider: the separation between a government and its people.
note: not many people can grasp the separation.
consider: how 'inconsiderate' is this ownership?

parents state: "you're going to get killed or financially ruined."
note: historical statement, refers to any subject matter.
parents scoff: "these things you do."

me = own guest houses in cambodia and thailand
note: have not yet been killed or financially ruined.
note: guest house in cambodia is a 100% charitable endeavor.

note: own guest house = technically illegal
note: signed two back to back long term leases.

consider: people/parents without life experience offer opinions?!
note: stress is relevant only toward family, not the purchase.

consider: it's good to keep secrets?

i need a break from mapping out rules, exceptions, and neurotic restriction.

project with resident doctor #4 today.
[ho hum]
back to the grind.

[tired of watching emotions related to eating disorder rules]
[embarrassed of trying to type it all out]
[happy that in a few years from now, i won't understand it either]

i stole someone's job over the weekend.
note: he said.
note: wast not the intention!

consider: prepared? articulate? charming?
note: yes, yes, and yes.
tristan says: "who wouldn't study?"

consider: from volunteer-assistant to engineer to star talent?
note: on the first day!
consider: meaningless?
note: two hour a week gig and something about having to join a union.

note: now i'm a "backstabber" and a "bitch."
note: there was no backstabbing or bitchiness involved.
consider: why be hurt by someone who cannot correctly insult?
consider: how to act hurt when hit with ineffective vocabulary?
note: it can't happen-- NOT A CHANCE!

english lesson: bitch = efficient and constructive
consider: perhaps it was just his vocal inflection?
note: selective mutism.

consider: fear of pride.
note: only complacent people who suck tremendously think they are great.
consider: their easily shattered thus insulated feelings.
consider: my welcomed doubt.

[1,000,000,000 things]

note: [lifebox] reacts to distress of injury.
- combinations of amino acids form neuropeptides.
- neuropeptides swarm throughout the bloodstream.
- neuropeptides (endorphins, dynorphin) bind to opiate receptors.
- opiate receptors are located throughout the brain and [lifebox].
note: narcotic effect is experienced via activated opiate receptors.
- drowsiness, euphoria, respiratory depression, sleep.

note: [lifebox] and brain unite via neuropeptide/receptor networking.
consider: locus cerulus?
consider: brain AND [lifebox] = the mind system

note: emotions effect the [lifebox].
note: duh, [lifebox] effects emotion.



[extra credit]
consider: anandamide.
note: anandamide can contribute to the regulation of emotion and anxiety.
consider: anxiolytic drugs?
note: fatty acid amide hydrolase (faah).

consider: that supposed chocolate-induced bliss?
consider: chocolate relieves pain?
note: not bloody likely.
consider: carbohydrate tranquilization.
[/extra credit]

consider: "with anorexia nervosa you'll never be thin enough."
note: no, complacency came around for a short while.
consider: maintenance?

audience: "gasp! she has her toes curled over the edge!"
tristan says: "it's daily life. i'm not even trying."

- can't yet admit there is none to lose
- do toss around the possibility of DEATH
- periodically overwhelmed
- nightly shock and puzzle
note: realization is instantly sedated by exhaustion

- can technically lose more weight.
consider: from where?
note: in doing so will lose teeth, cognition.
[-this should end here-]
FACT: i cannot lose more weight.

consider: but, i can.
consider: but, i cannot.
consider: but, i can.
rule: can/say = do.

note: digesting any food is very difficult on the [lifebox].
consider: irish oats grown in a dedicated field?
consider: should be an antiseptic and pure food?
note: oats are uncomfortable and contribute to acid reflux.

consider: whole grain cereal?
consider: a valuable and hoarded choice?
note: high fiber flake cereal is way too filling.
note: even in half of an ounce servings.
consider: slow down? speed it up?

note: [lifebox] is very difficult on the brain.

[noteworthy: successful food unit]

- mentioned "sunday/thursday punishment" to resident doctor #4.
- mentioned how its boundary makes me feel better.
consider: the definitive leash.

resident doctor #4 thought to himself: 'oh no! this is all my fault.'
note: for some reason i had to look at him to read his mind.

he squinted.
i bit the side of my lip.
he wrinkled his nose.
i turned back to the westwood window.

i said: "no, it's not."
he said: "yes, it is. i was the one who pressured you."

note: i like resident doctor #4 very much.
note: other people cannot influence anorexia's rules/punishments.

note: it's the first thursday in my newly bound up year.
note: punishment for [breaking specific rule] is sunday and thursday.
translation: things are different.

consider: finality?
consider: calm?
note: comfort in nothing.
consider: consolation and disposition in misery?
tristan/anorexia says: "[we] refuse to recognize this as discomfort."

[breaking specific rule = on a chair during an off time which was actually on]
note: penalty continues until february 2007.

consider: success in the traditional sense?
note: success in the pathological sense.

[noteworthy: successful food unit]

[last night = first successful (evening) food unit since january 9th]

note: ordinarily the evenings see ill health to capacity.
translation: involuntary vomiting, missed meals, or forced purging.
note: evening issue is a major problem.
consider: intolerance? anxiety? habit?

consider: fear?
note: lots of fear surrounding last night's digestion.
note: majority of fear has nothing to do with calories, body weight, or excess.
note: originally, calories (body weight, fatness, etc...) were the entire concern.

consider: this fear is an odd form of health?
note: easily to lose weight through metabolism
note: occasionally ate and purged just to keep weight on.
note: weight distribution is becoming markedly unattractive.
note: stuck in a strange place where only weight loss is easy.

note: the severity of illness is very clear.
consider: where's the excitement?

resident doctor #4: "now that your mind is clear, your body is dying."
note: holy offensive!
note: identity is wrapped up in being a sick person.
note: role of a dying person is different than that of a sick person.
note: neither of us would refer to me as a dying person.

note: he called out for the voice of anorexia, now the voice won't leave.
consider: resident doctor #4 will let it calm and then pounce?
note: pounce when in a non-clinical setting...? unexpected? etc...?
consider: anorexia to calm takes years?
consider: calm required agoraphobia and living without electricity?
[translation: a.n. to attempt to relax requires zero provocation.]
note: eventually, that which works will switch to the opposite.

note: it feels as though anorexia has slowly been setting the stage over the last year to get rough in an attempt to survive.
consider: or am i just recognizing illness and its [habits? potential?] now?

consider: familiar solidarity to illness returning?
note: compartmentalization "anorexia says" / "tristan says" is healthy.
note: today i feel like referring to anorexia as "we."

note: writing about a physically unobtainable weight has sparked interest.
note: i want to do that.
consider: want.

consider: blah blah "living in a culture which will valorize these acts" blah.
note: only to a point, not this far.

note: a good day in the pathological sense.
note: it's good day because i may have just started down the wrong road.
note: today i'll go out and buy another new scale.

st. valentine's day will always have a special meaning. four years ago today, the straw snapped, and the wuss who had been living with me finally moved out. considering the prior year, in that my ego strength hadn't been harnessed, i could only function under a stealth operation. the bad part: misdirection took him over a year.

[noteworthy: successful food unit]

i still hurt from friday- it was the worst day since forever.

everything went to hell after breaking the first rule at resident doctor #4's office as my illness decided the punishment for the act was to bind up the rest of the year. just like that i have an incredible and lengthy pain to endure- and why? it's even more senseless. i said in a huff one day that i wouldn't sit in a chair in resident doctor #4's office until reaching a weight which would be physically impossible given my height. i did sit there, but the exception was that the two of us were in a different voxel, not entertained in our usual roles. our voices were not even the same. the rule regarding the office chair didn't apply in that situation, but as the day went by, for some reason it did. i never act on exceptions that the illness creates. ever. by never using them and following rules as though exceptions didn't exist, it appears to have invalidated them. perhaps, it was expected i follow rules to the letter and the idea of an exception was only for a calming effect.

[-cue ill behavior-]

then there was the guilt from having the afternoon screw up other people's plans which subsequently caused even more eating disorder. [rule broken: my illness is private and should never negatively influence other people or their lives, time, finances, etc...] i knew it was going to be a roller coaster day but thought it may be stabbed back a bit. [rule broken: acting on hope rather than knowledge. i must no and know. the rule broken was that i knew better.] nope. friday was worthless- [we] had been about to set off on an ocean kayaking and caving trip. mountain bikes, ropes, water, roof rack- and the rover remains packed. [note that utilizing my new range rover for a purpose other than work would also break the rules by which i am bound.]

[-cue pathology, fuzz, and its low volume hum-]

blind in one eye, brain shut down- my heart was screaming and... and... people who will never be able to relate to me, interpreted "breaking rules" as though it spanned a normal emotion. in the grand course of life, a broken rule is good, however, change and its inevitable reaction will not be pleasant.

i don't much care if strangers haven't the capacity for what is illustrated, but commenting without clarity drives me crazy. always on other blogs, on days my head had hit the floor, i would read sentences stating "i'm so happy flagrant is doing great." [?? i'm bleeding and am physically malfunctioning from anorexia to the point i can't see straight enough to type but people are getting the idea that today is good. oh.my.god. !!] whenever mood is elevated, the opposite is easily read into this blog. [*i don't write much when "life is good" since there isn't too much to "write myself though" and this lack of blogging can be taken as "things are very, very bad for me at the current time. not at all.*] there is no harm in asking, ever, but the furor people can cause is never easily unwound- this is why i currently avoid blogs. it's not the misinterpretation- it's me, and the way i react.

apparently it DOES need to be said: in the sense that i write about, good days have got to hurt. i can't stand back with a new perspective and point in awe at the mountain of suck without reflective thoughts and overwhelming feelings of despair. after having been detailed in triplicate how the "very good" will inflict bad results on my [lifebox], this was no surprise that friday was difficult.


completely different example: good experience to illness.
consider: if things are good, i will experience the opposite.
note: plain as day.
consider: ??

[good = bad: after signing a contract last summer which offered an enormous salary, i couldn't surface. (endured episodes of nothing stretched slightly further than food and finances.) later, when that company bought me an apartment and my accountant said i could live comfortably off of its rental income alone, i entered a scary period of decompensation. (grand episodes of nothing: food, comfort, money, warmth, speech, entertainment, socialization, etc...) i couldn't think or write about the contract until much after the fact. (good = malfunction)]

example: "bad" is never anything but health.
note: "things" can only be mended, produced, gained...

[bad = good: when it was the end of the world and invalid friend lost his job, within two weeks he had employment which offered more responsibility and something aroung a 50% increase in salary. (bad = functional)]

[bad = good: when brilliant friend's family deconstructed and he relocated his life and all of its threats into my new house- i doubt i flinched. his kid #1, a heroin addict, has donated a fantastic amount of hell, drug rehabilitation expenses, hoops, and legal costs for brilliant friend to jump through. his kid #2, diagnosed with schizophrenia and not currently holding a prescription for any medication, was recently arrested and jailed for car jacking a family. i really should somewhat be ill at ease that "all of this" has been welcomed into my life, but actually i am the only person performing in the situation. kid #1 is now secure and it is financially feasible. kid #2 is now in a correct and protective rather than punitive system. brilliant friend is back to work and most importantly, his (about to be ex-) wife isn't interested in killing me. (end of the world = functional and efficient)]

young burmese woman-
inle lake canals, nyaungshwe, myanmar


my mother suggested an alaskan vacation.
i revealed reasons to be in burma, thailand, and cambodia.
she said: "okay then, burma. when should i request off?"

note: violent compensation for broken rules.
consider: weeks? months? years?

note: ridiculousness was invalidated.
consider: rule humiliated?
consider: wimpled?
translation: authority blinked but brought new fire.

note: insignificant rules were broken.
consider: shouldn't have done that?

repeat: good = bad
consider: stop writing backwards?

[re: friday: it was a very good day.]
consider: note: inside i reacted poorly to the entire day.
translation: it was a very BAD day.
translation: it was the worst day in a long time.

note: frame relocated.
note: minor things fall from the square.
consider: specific problem now appears larger?

today was our one year anniversary. i sat in resident doctor #4's chair but won't lie and say it was comfortable. out of this entire time, and even at twice a week, if i was in california, appointments were maintained. [even last february when it rained so hard i arrived drenched with humiliation, and swore life would have been less wet straight out of the shower... made it there during trials of zoloft and its unpleasant akathisia... and i even walked in the door last may when the majority of appointments consisted of me covering up the side effects of seizures and countering near constant threats of hospitalization.]


classic chevrolet- havana vieja (old havana), cuba

[[the above paragraph illustrates how i left the security of my home at least twice a week for the last year, and if it wasn't to see resident doctor #4, i was further afield. sure, the majority of the excursions may have been to visit a private office, but a lot of fear can stand between my home and ucla- especially when driving alone. i've said it many times, but the effort taken to shower and then reach a destination has been extraordinarily therapeutic. after learning to stalk for an empty space and having to parallel park in westwood for the last year, i'm no longer the type who would avoid a left hand turn at busy intersection- in fact, i'm probably that annoying person laying on the horn. so, here i have been consistently out and about alone, and at phenomenal levels (myanmar burma, cuba), but still represent myself as if it is possible to return to a housebound level of agoraphobia at any minute. i have been living as though certain "sicknesses" have not fully left. today was good in that a specific time period had been framed- it revealed "many old friends" were no longer in the picture.]]


hurricane katrina, granma internacional newspaper
in flight, cubana airlines [cancun, mexico - havana, cuba]

essentially, today marks a different era- one where i should feel comfortable in representing myself without automatically revealing (what is becoming) my old way of life. i don't know how successful this will be, but i need to try to live through situations without pointing out how i would have responded to something similar in the past. those forms of reminder could keep minor issues active, even though they no longer hold rank.

- it was a very good day.
- resident doctor #4 cares about me very much.
consider: why are those two things so hard to admit?
note: it would be easier if i knew he hated me.
consider: hate = disgust?
note: disgust is easily countered in my mind with starvation.

- broke a lot of rules which have been too restrictive.
- sat in rd#4's chair even though i don't weigh [impossible @ 6'0"].
note: or whatever nonsense weight i said i had to be to sit there.

- sent my grandmother some brownies for valentine's day.
consider: criminal?
consider: brownie company listed on my credit card statement?!
resident doctor #4 said: "no, actually that's a perfect gift."

- successfully ate some whole grain cereal.
note: wheat, oats, no allergic reaction.
note: inside i reacted poorly to the entire day.

consider: difficulties with this online journal.
- in the way it reads off of other monitors.
note: it's constantly refracted.

lather, rinse, repeat: doomed to be misinterpreted!
tristan says: "but now i wouldn't have it any other way."

prediction: chuck is going to tell me that he lied so that i would not get frightened or overwhelmed and starve.

consider: what will be the proper response to that crap?

note: "that crap" used to be 100% accurate.
note: it holds no truth now.
proof: i asked him to quit that job back in october.

consider: people may never be able to separate me from illness.

did chuck subsequently admit that the unemployment office was right?

not really. he did mention how he is not completely innocent but has yet to confess that he was at fault for the job loss. chuck misses the big picture here in that the problem i have is the lie- nothing else. what did or didn't he do? who cares? all i originally wanted to know was "if" he did something to get fired. the unemployment money lost doesn't matter too much, even though items were thought to have been purchased for him based on the expectation of those checks. we would have undoubtedly bought interview clothes whether chuck knew he was to receive unemployment compensation or not. there is no issue. i had actually been surprised at the awarded amount and thought it may be an error in calculation. thinking about it, the only superfluous spending during his time of unemployment was trivial: gasoline for our road trip through the desert and convenience store priced protein bars. the whole purpose of having him file for the unemployment was to force his body out of the house on that first day to set the stage- to face the situation and get motivated.

we haven't had a full conversation about the lie yet, but the plan is to handle it as one would had it been a lie coming from a child. once chuck admits to lying, i will end all of the tension. over. done. best of friends. he will then be informed that within the next week, i plan to lie to him. then i will. he won't know if it refers to collecting him from work or paying a bill. i hear this does, but hope it actually will work.

letter to invalid friend chuck from the unemployment office states: "you were discharged from your last job because you destroyed employer records and property without permission. the department finds that you do not meet the legal requirements for payment of unemployment benefits."

no, no, no...
this can't be right.
remember?
"he didn't do anything wrong!"

1) big deal. it was possibly $850-$1275 in total.
2) it is a big deal! lie to me? lose a tooth.
3) this would have covered his interview clothes and new sports coats.
4) ...and my fee for schlepping him around.
note: good thing i retracted the offer of the fashionable watch.
5) idiot bastard! whatever he did, i never taught him how to get caught!
6) during those stress free days, i really wanted to relish in anxiety- i'm due.
7) I BOUGHT US A VACATION TO KAUAI!!
8) since he has a job, i should only murder him half-way over this.

me: "i got the car back from the shop."
dad: "it wasn't any $350 like you thought, was it?"
dad: "HA-HA-HA!"
dad: "HA-HA-HA!"
me: "it came to $347.59."
me: "serpentine belt, rebuilt power steering pump, pulley, and labor."
me: "like i said, the pump wasn't blown but they replaced it anyway."

consider: HA HA HA.

note: this is the person who taught me to be exact at everything.
note: even things, such as this, which i don't really know about.

note: he is secretly very proud of me.
note: that's alright, i won't let on.

broken power steering pump pulley

[long story short]
shock! i correctly diagnosed the car problem and chuck managed his way home via public transportation.

[long story long]
over time, a bolt on the bottom of the power steering bracket had apparently worked itself loose, so now it is no surprise that while driving at a low rmp, the serpentine belt was able to yank the pulley right off of the power steering pump. if not for needing a special tool to remove the remaining piece of the pulley (plus the fact that i doubt i am strong enough to loosen the other bolts) this could be an easy do it yourself repair.

a mechanic at a local garage insisted that a replacement pulley will need to come straight from a ford dealer ($20) and must be installed with a new power steering pump ($300). the problem is, that isn't necessarily true. pulleys are readily available on ebay and i don't believe it needs a power steering pump, let alone a "new" one installed on a car which is on the verge of being sold. after having found a rebuilt pump for a third of the price as new ($100), the mechanic called back and said he could go pick up the parts and then have the work done in about an hour.

fine. it was then chuck and i found out the local tow truck drivers were all high. they wanted at least $100 to tow the car less than two miles to the garage! i knew their quotes may rival the price of an annual aaa automobile club membership ($66), but this portion of the experience just left us sour.

the customer service representatives working the call center the aaa office were not high, they were just raging idiots. eventually it took five different telephone calls to set it all up correctly before the membership and towing service had been arranged. customer service agents provided a temporary eight digit automobile club membership number over the phone, but in order to use the services, a sixteen digit number was required.

the tow truck driver who showed up was an ass. "you know how long i wait," he complained in a heavy romanian accent. well, did he call? no. did he knock on the door? no. did he pull up to the gated driveway and do like he has seen everyone on television shows do and lean over to ring for the bell or intercom? no. how hard is it to push a button and announce one's arrival? well, should we give a damn? no. were we supposed to stand in the street? apparently.

it seemed the driver was actually from turkey, since he wanted to release the car at his friend's shop, but no one offered us apple tea or sold magnificent carpets. it seemed we were the people with the problem. "no one can afford to go to your garage," he said. "only once a month do i tow there." not true, but the was no interest in paying his commission, either. we imagine this particularly annoying hassle grew up in a village and spent his childhood touting whatever fell off the occasional passing truck. since i was granted an earlier miracle of having a malfunction within shouting distance of home, no subsequent miracles followed. now, had that tow truck driver been in an at-fault accident while responsible for my car-- it would have been fine by me. oh well, no big payout as luck had been used up for the day.

the mechanics at the garage were clean, friendly, and most importantly, competent. though this car issue could have been a tremendous ordeal, it all played out smoothly.

the worst part followed securing the work order at the garage. chuck and i walked back home, stopping en route at long's drugs to have a prescription filled. obtaining the medicine was essential for the day, but had we been able to drive to costco wholesale before it closed, there would have been a savings of $32 on the ten tablets. i won't be ranting about my personal struggles with going inside the huge warehouse to buy medicine at costco's pharmacy anymore.

dad: "no, i never saw a plastic power steering pump pulley."
dad: "you're wrong."
dad: "you're definitely wrong."
dad: "wrong. wrong. wrong."
dad: "wrong."
dad: "don't try to drive it."
consider: DUH!?

consider: no serpentine belt.
note: power would come directly from a 6!year!old!battery!
consider: that is, if it could start as it is.
note: gee, plus the part about not really being able to steer.

consider: perhaps my father has me mixed up with my brother?
note: it happens.

consider: how is my father going to manipulate the situation so that he can be right when that plastic part is confirmed to actually be a power steering pump pulley?

dad: "wrong."
note: dad continues catastrophizing by 1000%.
dad: "water pump + power steering pump + labor + etc = $$$$"

me: "a bracket needs to be tightened."
me: "new pulley (required) = $20"
me: "new serpentine belt (required) = $50"
me: "rebuilt power steering pump (not sure if needed) = $100"
me: "idiot mechanic + fee = $150"
dad: "wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong."

me: "$350 tops, if i have to take it in."
dad: "so wrong."
dad: "wrong. wrong. wrong."
dad: "power steering pump = $300"
dad: "labor costs = $300"

consider: where can i borrow a specialty wrench?

mom: "i can take vacation off in may or september. alaska?"
mom: "...with your father. maybe we can get him to come with us?"

[thunk!]
[thunk!]
[thunk!]

initial vehicle inspection:
- power steering fluid on the ground, but not much.
- as somewhat expected, serpentine belt is missing.
[--i noticeably calmed down here--]

consider: it broke?
- well, of course the power steering is out and the battery light is on.
note: but i just checked that belt over the weekend.
- visibly, it was fine.

consider: what thunked and fell off of the car with the belt?

problem: part of [something] is missing.
- don't really know what it was coz it's GONE!
consider: a pulley? is there a power steering pump pulley?
note: i'm guessing, here. don't read or remember this.

[--went to pick up what was left in the street--]
note: god, the sun is hot. 80'F today.

- the belt is located, in perfect condition! [HA!]
- a big piece of a pulley is found.
- the rest of it has disintegrated in the street.
consider: they make these pulleys out of plastic?!

note: i really needed this to be an automotive catastrophe.
note: it doesn't appear to be one.

well crap, i had better go find out what my car left scattered all over the street.

consider: define the word explode.
consider: calm down!
note: the car malfunctioned, broke apart... did not blow up.

oh my god.

oh my god, you exist! i've been doing nothing but driving and thank you so much for allowing my piece of s--- car to explode less than a block away from my driveway!!! thank you!!!!! eventually, it was apt to happen. i just didn't know where. holy mother of f--- i was arizona with this car last week!!

okay, calm down.
i am at my own home.
i'm safe.

now just tell me what happened to it. i wanted to trade it in. i don't want to pay to get anything fixed and turn right around and sell it. aarrrgghh.

oh my god, i can't believe this just happened. i don't know. something clanked. there was a big thunk and something fell off of the car while i was driving down the road. the guy driving behind me swerved out of our lane to avoid hitting whatever broke off. power steering was suddenly gone but all i had to do was put my weight into it and try to steer around the corner. the battery warning light came on but the car continued to run. that's right- it was less than a city block so i just kept going. [all alone today, that car wasn't going to die in the middle of the street if i could help it.] oh my god. my father better never get wind of this. i'm such a girl. after talking to my physician all morning about anorexia and the loss of femininity, look what happened. it still exists.

well damn, now i probably have to buy a car.

somewhat needed the new car issue forced upon me:
"i had to get a new car out of necessity. the other one died."
[not]
"i bought a new car because i'm greedy. i WANTED it."

after managing to get it home and parked, i noticed a leak was forming a large spot underneath but i was too nicely dressed to put my knee to the ground and take a real look.

damn everything.
i'm debt free!

damn everything.
stocks are way down this month!

oh my god, not now!!!

damn everything.
how is chuck going to get home from work?

bah!

...suppose i wouldn't have taken a road trip to arizona last saturday had i known this week would be spent driving invalid friend around southern california. [at 340 miles a day, and unavoidable drive time traffic on the 405, it has been suggested this will not be a common occurrence.] i miss the blog and am behind on e-mail due to life instead of anxiety.

i didn't attend the [very important] dinner in japan.
consider: perhaps, no one noticed?
brain says: "nice try."
note: meals at the ucla ed clinic are very important.
note: a business dinner will never be very important.

sitting back upright into a more appropriate position, resident doctor #4 had been alternating between hugging me tightly and balancing unclasped safety pins on my knees. they didn't pierce, but instead acted as strategically planted landmines. since we had been sprawled on a bamboo mat, it would have only taken one wrong move. i wished for rusted metal to tie the metaphor together but since barriers remained open, we shuffled through the ephemera in his wallet. a fake license listed his birth twenty years earlier than 1970. the authentic identification stated his weight at 161 pounds. i awoke tangled in a luxurious down comforter.