flagrant

weighed the merits of caloric superstition
soaked in a foamy bathtub to avoid inevitable decision
considered calculating numbers
AND then walked to the store.

has a grocery store ever offered _________?

requirement?
substitute?
supplement?

why is 'best case scenario' never available in 'token anorexic size?'

an ocean-related suggestion shot my LIFEBOX into considering tipping back a cardboard cylinder of salt, but spouted and craved purity contains corn allergen excipients including a d-form of glucose. how does one feed those cravings without feeding the LIFEBOX? is not all ingestion to be considered a craving? when it rains it pours- how appropriately labeled. images of the morton salt girl under her umbrella totally distracted thoughts from the life sentence's requisite apple bit, and instead inspired a planted preoccupation with possible fish.

anorexia says: "no, it's FISH. not fish."

- looked at FISH.
- as a food unit, FISH seemed very real.
- FISH is listed as a safe food.
consider: so what? THE RULE is to never expect to eat, ever.

- what to do with FISH?
- why would i even buy FISH?
- the grocery store seafood counter barely even sells FISH.
- ew, a frozen fillet in a box is fish, not FISH!

anorexia says: "good luck."
anorexia [snidely] whispers: "...goes around eating death."
tristan says: "well, the telephone book is no longer an option."
- a long time ago in a dark metropolis one county away.
translation: secret code for why not-yet-skinny anorectics eat paper.

gave up on FISH, or gave in depending on perspective, so i winced at the jolly scanner and checked out with two wet liters of the virtual nothing. my messenger bag was purposely weighted and only employed to hold up the hip slung jeans i wore. here's your money there go my pants.

obnoxious.
aside from the metaphors, nothing ever fits right--
my feet keep changing sizes.
on the walk home, one shoe kept kicking off.

300 great things.

- chuck starts his new job today.
- i was sick all of yesterday.
consider: connected?
- perhaps.

it was a very good day.
the dents detailing my internal organs were quite visible in the mirror.

[and, the current confliction of awareness:]

it was a very bad day.
the dents detailing my internal organs were quite visible in the mirror.

perhaps, i have not lost weight and instead, dehydration is noticeable after being stuck in the car and the high desert for a few days.

anorexia says: "i was so worried you would define with the word 'lumps.'"
anorexia says: "now if i could just get you to stop using the word 'and.'"
anorexia says: "you can say 'none' but never 'and.'"

mojave desert, california - arizona border

on our recent road trip, a cow crossed the road behind our chosen path. specifically, i needed to stop, stretch, and then document to see that which was behind me. look at the entire picture-- it's an ordinary cow, and yet beautiful, but still out of place.

consider: what a boring or corny metaphor, but how fitting some days.

oh, everything! since the world, or at least chuck's employment, has come to fruition, here we pack up the car and depart on a road trip. where we will go, nobody knows.

problem: how to get out of attending a corporate dinner in tokyo?
- no excuse. not fear. not apathy. no threat of a bento box.

tristan says: "i know how to get there. i know how to turn it on."
consider: attitude? sloth? c-c-confidence?

problem: how to get the company to comp chuck's expenses?
- this company previously comped his suite, transfers, food, etc...
- including an extremely luxurious flight on singapore airlines.

consider: problem?

chuck had a second interview with his 'first choice' employer this morning. we researched company statistics and practiced a few key phrases last night, so not only was chuck charming, but articulate. he had professional questions at hand to ask in response (rather than appearing to be the "accept anything 'yes' man") and accepted their immediate offer of employment. chuck begins next week. nice. the paycheck savings plan i insisted he adhere to now thwarts all bill paying stress. chuck gets a week to relax. perhaps we'll take a few days to travel?

this job provides a substantial increase in salary for him. i really hope he can maneuver through the assumed 30 or 90 day probationary period and advance unscathed.

goal: change will always be motivated by something other than crisis or fear.
consider: rule?

entry is in regard to a minor car accident experienced last spring. an undocumented worker and his sickening allowance to relax caused distress to my vehicle:

consider: was this an accident? merely an incident?
consider: is there even a dent?
- undocumented worker hit my car while backing out of a parking space.
consider: imagine being that carefree.
consider: imagine not triple checking everything before proceeding.


- a smear of white paint remains on my dark colored car.
- incident left a very slight impression on multiple sections.
consider: so what?

tristan says: "i keep looking for a reason to hate and sell this car."


consider: will the mark rub off with extra attention?
consider: does it need to be professionally cleaned?
consider: what about using wax and a power polisher?
- never bothered to find out.
consider: social anxiety? isolation? apathy?

tristan says: "more like, why do i have to do because of someone else's don't?"


- a half-inspired fix was attempted with a sharpie permanent marker.
- meh.

tristan says: "i do care... when researching trade-in values."


[skip ahead one month]

note: undocumented worker had been driving a rental car.
letter from rental company says: "send us the repair estimate."


- imperfection is an interesting yet tolerable experiment in psychology.
[ugly car + shiny perfection = "yuck, why would someone buy that?"]
[ugly car + imperfections = stealth, car is not awesome, draws little attention]
[ugly car + imperfections = perfect situation for introverted people]


[skip ahead several more months]

- several more letters from rental company are received.
rental company says: "send us the repair estimate."
rental company says: "send us the repair estimate."
rental company says: "send us the repair estimate."
rental company says: "send us the repair estimate."


[skip ahead again]

- non-specific auto body center estimates damage on car to be $1500.
- holy surprise!
- estimate is forwarded for reimbursement of repair.

tristan says: "no. just send me a check. i'm not having it fixed."
rental company says: "no."

tristan (lies) says: "i'm selling the car this weekend. send me a check."
rental company says: "...paperwork today, we'll send it out tomorrow."

rental company says: "wait. get an estimate from our special place first."
consider: their special place?! their special partner in fraud?!
consider: assume inferior work? assume low ball estimate?


- our special place estimates damage at $1750.
tristan says: "ha! no way!"
- estimate is then forwarded to rental company for reimbursement.


consider: perpetual fear, chronic doubt, and task avoidance.
note: [nervous situation] always works out.

anorexic excuse #1: in preparing to leave the house to secure any food this weekend (shower, hair, getting dressed) combined with the effort involved in completing this chore (walking to the store, the hell of shopping, returning home while carrying a perfect selection plus a gallon or two of fluoridated water...) burns more calories than would be purchased.
note: does not compute.
consider: healthier, on a technicality, to not gather food?

anorexic excuse #2: or well, erm... there's the current water fast.
note: the teasing suggestion of having isn't a torment.
consider: time waster?
tristan says: "and, i don't NO NO NO what i'd buy to eat anyway."

consider: lickedchips?
translation: that's a noun and not plural.
note: lickedchips causes twitches.
translation: akathisias.
anorexia says: "lickedchips is allowed if your subordinate swallows."

consider: delirious juice?
rule #5e: there will be no delirious juice!
anorexia says: "not even juice unrelated to juice."
tristan thinks: there never is but i just like writing it.
consider: stop using the word current?

consider: three almonds, one brazil nut?
rich the cashier once said: "you're the only one who ever buys these!"
consider: having one's food noticed and remembered.
consider: f!ck selenium?
consider: [new rule: no bulk selenoproteins]?

consider: what happened the last time i committed suicide?
tristan says: "pfft, i died before entering the automatic sliding doors."

chuck nailed the job interview with his 'first choice' this afternoon [and] scored a second interview with the firm at a later date [and! and! and!] suggested while he was still dressed, we should drive over to check out another company. chuck had only intended to drop off his resume [but] after two hours of what he said seemed like professional interrogation, was hired on the spot.

fantastic.

unfortunately this instant hire is for a similar position and salary as the job from which chuck was just fired. not happening! this employment will either be declined, temporary, or the very last choice for a primary place of employment. it is essential for chuck to advance in title and salary, otherwise, what was the point of his last job?

consider: i wonder if 90% of my insistence towards promoting chuck's employment isn't actually rooted in the drive to excel, but in obsessively deflecting sadness? my depression has been away as there has been little time to dwell or feel.

should chuck be offered a higher salary or a more authoritative position with a company, it manipulates the entire dynamic of job loss to a benefit. this type of change should then never generate a catastrophic reaction in the future.

appointment with resident doctor #4:
ridiculous statement: "fine, i'll go out and buy a new scale so i can lose enough weight to finally sit in your goddamn chair. i'll do that to make you happy."

consider: who, exactly, is running this mouth?
note: the statement was worse than it sounds.
[rule: say = do]

consider: death never enters the picture?
consider: NEVER!?
note: ever.

problem: rd#4 focuses on anorexia = i'm annoyed as hell
problem: rd#4 not focused on anorexia = i'm annoyed as 1000 hells

consider: evaporation.
tristan thinks: socks already serve no purpose and i have no thigh.
consider: pinch earlobes? extract teeth?
consider: hefty personality?

re: one packet of depression inducing myoplex lite meal replacement.
[eas myoplex lite fuels = envelopes of high calorie powdered death]
anorexia says: "it wasn't safe then, it isn't safe now."

- powdered death's nutrition information proclamation is sound.
note: myoplex supplement drinks routinely make my hair fall out.
note: inclusion of corn maltodextrin provides an omnipresent hell.

note: no recent allergic reactions to small trials of grains.
- la brea bakery seeded sourdough demi-baguette.
consider: so why not test these myoplex protein mixes again?

tristan says: "chewing the weight of water with a deep ocean behind it."
anorexia says: "don't make me hate you."

note: i'll really enjoy the next installment of water fasting.

chuck still is not employed and (would you ever believe it) this is not yet influencing any obsessive compulsive financial habits. by now, something should have snapped. no weirdness is dictating that he refuse superfluous entertainment costs or only pay a quarter for frozen bean and cheese burritos. it is very odd that his home currently stores no thai jasmine rice by the sack or inexpensive potatoes by the pound. i had pizza delivered for chuck the other night and didn't cringe too much during the $$ process.

in fact, figuring that chuck will need the break, i bought the two of us a weekend getaway to the hawaiian island of kauai. though not ranked in the first thousand possible choices of destinations, it was supercheap, he has never visited there, and kauai can easily fit into a weekend. [why not? who cares? it was practically free. so what if there isn't much at all to do on kauai-- this is exactly the point.] we'll rent a jeep, drive amid waterfalls through the gorgeous scenery, and try to keep the intensity back in california.

chuck says: "well, uh... don't you think i'll be working then?"
[note: GOOD ANSWER, INVALID FRIEND!! I'M SO IMPRESSED!!]

chuck says: "what if i can't get that weekend off? what if--"
tristan smiles: "you can still travel to hawaii in march."

chuck says: "how will i know if i can.. or if they will--"
tristan's raised eyebrows seem to suggest: you're doubting me?

consider: [new rule: no inflexible, underpaid employment]?
consider: [new rule: occasionally relish in the flabbergastation]?

this list of unnecessary purchases acquired during uncertain times should not only prove ego strength, but a relief from anxiety and ocd behavior-- that is, if i could just list purchases rather than excuse them by noting here in advance how they were mostly made with gift cards.

- two shirts from abercrombie & fitch kids, bought with a merchandise credit voucher; one overpriced pair of summer weight cargo shorts, two bikinis and one tank swimsuit from j.crew; a banana republic military style leather jacket, born loafers and a sportcoat from nordstrom for chuck; disc brakes and bottles of slime for his deteriorating mountain bike; and a trip to the vitamin shoppe for one box of myoplex sports nutrition supplement and corn free vitamins. mountain bike slime is a prophylactic measure against flat tires (cyclists squeeze the neon green goo into their tubes as a tire sealant and it works to prevent punctures) and myoplex packets are a distressing meal replacement powder which can be made into shakes.

consider: how visiting lame mall stores also proves freedom.

consider: trying out the myoplex powder packets again proves what? "...because one of these days, my anorexic nutritional profile will be sound enough to digest it." this trial is a cyclical punishment. i know the prominent inclusion of maltodextrin in its ingredients in concert with my omega 3 deficiency causes depression, an itchy allergic reaction, and also makes my hair fall out.

job interview: why are you no longer working at [company]?
perfect answer: [illustrate restructuring and collective firing].

chuck says: "yeah, that question came up."
consider: no kidding?!
tristan says: "...management change... that everyone got the axe?"
chuck says: "that would have been a lot better than what i said."

[thunk]
[thunk]
[thunk]

i dropped chuck off at his first job interview this afternoon and then, in an effort to focus on a few texts, left to park on a quieter side street. chuck immediately returned to the car and said the manager wasn't even working at that location today. apparently the manager had noted their meeting was to take place on thursday, tomorrow- not wednesday. the job interview was definitely scheduled for today as i was eavesdropping on the call when the appointment was confirmed.

this is their black mark.
[us against them.]
chuck did not screw up.
consider: it probably appears he has.
consider: perhaps chuck doesn't need to work there.
note: it's his first interview.
consider: free to screw up?
consider: it doesn't matter?
[it's bound to be screwed up more than that.]

on a better note, chuck scored an interview with his first choice firm and that is scheduled for friday. [i wish he had two or three interviews prior to this desired one to essentially practice, but...]

if i were all of the records and transcripts needed to apply for chuck's real estate broker examination, where would i be? in a file system? of course not. in a random box of crap with many oddly shaped items balancing above? located at the back of the highest shelf in a dark closet? probably.

chuck has a job interview tomorrow. thank god for that, but actually twice as it is with his third choice in employer. a practice interview, i think. chuck looks at it as a job opportunity. [!] if anything, here is his one free chance to screw up.

will:
- take chuck shopping for new shirts, ties, socks, and belts.
- consider buying him a nice dress watch.
- consider this a day off for chuck.
- still expect him to attempt [something] employment related.

- meet up with [makeupartist friend] at staples center tonight.
- prove i still exist.

- not worry about the state of my post-procedure face.
note: swelling, redness, minor scabs, and peeling is normal.
tristan thinks: ah, this dime-sized scab is potentially traumatic.
consider: [something terribly self-depreciating]

consider: investigating myoplex lite sport nutrition powder today?

[not a chance]
[hfcs?]
[gluttonous supplement?]

consider: fast?

[tradition]



several years ago today, a travelmate and i queued to replace our stolen passports at the u.s. consulate general in frankfurt, germany. we had neither expected aloof personnel at the embassy, nor for them to provide grief and act as though we had sold our identities for a large profit. the 'help' at the consulate feigned disinterest and initially wanted nothing to do with us. at the time it wasn't immediately obvious, but authority simply wanted us both to break down. unfortunately for them, we were innocent-- and held copies of dutch police reports translated into english and german. later that afternoon, and after a horrific experience in a poorly lit photobooth, the consulate issued emergency documents to facilitate the rectification of our finances, and also issued temporary replacement passports.


on our return to kaiserslautern from frankfurt, my travelmate ate two entire boxes of little debbie snack cakes. the first box of oatmeal creme pies went down quickly, and his subsequent consumption of danger consisted of zebra cakes. detouring from the autobahn, his intent was to procure one quart of baskin robbins blueberry cheesecake ice cream from the ramstein air base commissary, and one hot fudge waffle cone was purchased for the road. at the kaiserslautern military community, he performed his bulimic 'three finger solution' twice, went back out to gather more caloric supplies, then returned with egg rolls, a carton of moo goo gai pan, and spicy orange glazed chicken. after making himself sick a third time that afternoon, he fell asleep. when he awoke, somewhat sweaty but crusty, he decided to start a diet, thus went back out to the commissary. he returned with a chicken salad from burger king, full fat buttermilk ranch dressing, and also proceeded to eat the leftover wonton soup.

since my version was rooted in the opposite direction, his release of stress in relation to bulimia was disgusting in advance of confounding. focused on the specifics rather than the emotion, the confliction was in how an intention to diet or purify oneself was cause to purchase processed foods. his definition of "clean food" was offensive to me since there was nothing clean about the ingredients. understand how, to him, mentally, after throwing up an excessive amount of packaged junk food, a "salad" felt clean-- even if swimming in a processed, hfcs chemical stew called salad dressing.



several years ago yesterday (ramstein air base, germany):
note: we were robbed in amsterdam, thus temporarily detoured to germany.

what an appalling memory-- and appallingly strange life. the two of us had been without money for a few days, but as soon as our travelers checks were replaced, our first purchase was for five cans of coke light, a bathroom scale, and the 'move to memphis' cd single by a-ha.

consider:
- while on a backpacking vacation in europe i bought a bathroom scale!?
- how the scale said to check for possible missing limbs.
- unhealthy ego investment? boredom?
- how my travelmate thought nothing of it, and even promoted the idea.
- how he was very discouraged to read his number, having not weighed in years.

travelmate then ate packaged snack cakes from a vending machine, super-sized iced bakery items, and cheese bread (performed 'three finger solution' twice), and said: "throwing up helps my migraines."

consider: why would anyone swallow that?



several years ago saturday (amsterdam, netherlands):
note: our belongings were stolen from the train.
noteworthy: the thieves got our money, too.

- zero calories ingested.
travelmate: zero calories ingested.



several years ago friday (paris, france):
note: en route to amsterdam, holland.

- a dish of sugar free 'natural' chocolate ice cream.
- black coffee served in a paper cup with a clumsy fold-out handle.

travelmate: three different flavored scoops of ice cream from the famous berthillon glacier, one dish of gelato from one of the amorino boutiques, various french pain au chocolat pastries while connecting trains in lyon, one fresh baguette (plain), a baguette sandwich (turned out to be thick butter, cheese, and tomato), tgv first class meal service, coffee, peanut butter flavored corn puffs from a vending machine, one bag of cashews, and four regular cans of coca cola. regarding the vending machine junk food purchases, his excuse was that he needed to spend down his french franc coins.



several years ago thursday (rome, italy):
note: en route to paris, france by train.

- zero calories ingested, considered buying a can of coke light.

travelmate: ate a banana milkshake, two of the scariest looking fast food cheeseburgers i have ever seen in my life (both the burgers and shake was purchased at the skin crawling stazione termini train station in rome), four bags of italian vending machine snacks (puffed cheese curls, roasted salted mixed nuts, cracker mix, and potato chips), one thin crust pizza (with tuna fish, salami, hard boiled egg, uncut olives as toppings), and four cans of regular coca cola. i must admit that the dry chunks of mahi mahi, fried egg, and enormous ovals of olives found on his pizza was a very interesting experience.



several years ago wednesday (zurich, switzerland):
note: en route to italy.

- spent US$5 for a can of coke light.
- reluctantly!
- it was very expensive having bought it on the train.
- then swore off all excess (basically food and most liquids) for a week.

travelmate: one extremely expensive mcdonald's super-sized extra value meal, four cans of regular coca cola, two bags of zweifel paprika potato chips, a smoked ham and swiss gruyére cheese sandwich from the dining car on a train, a milk chocolate (vollmilch schokolade) hazelnut and jogurt (ritter sport square, one mars candy bar (european version, without nuts), and various pastries from an austria konditorei (linzertorte, chocolate croissant, sachertorte).



consider: investigating myoplex lite sport nutrition powder today?

[not a chance]

consider: fast?

[faster]

consider: employment? income? security?
chuck says: "...but it's a holiday."

me: filling out invalid friend chuck's applications for interview.
invalid friend chuck: leaning back in a chair, squinting at ceiling.

problem: i am told i am a "bad person" because chuck is "being forced" to immediately find another job. that's correct. he is *not* going to slide down to the point where he loses everything again. yes, i am sorry, but invalid friend will not get fired from a job and then be rewarded with a month in front of the television.

historical solution #1: withholding food/money. one protein bar per day. dole out his bus fare in exact change. nothing else. works very quick. may work on threat alone. [chuck is not used to restricting and i manage 100% of his finances.]

historical solution #2: make sure invalid friend chuck does *nothing but* sit in front of the television. supply an overwhelming amount of serious junk food and force its ingestion. allow only lethargy. no washing of the dishes. no taking of showers. this has worked wonders too but could potentially backfire. [usually takes five days, two in which to shake the carbohydrate coma.] [consider: his current depression. this 'give him what he wants until he is physically sick and sprouting warts' approach is not the way to go.]

chuck says: "but it's sunday- i was going out for a bike ride."
on saturday: "but it's raining."
on friday: "remember that today is friday the 13th so i can't..."

hopefully this will be an atomic week because i'm sick of the "let's calm down, relax, and take time to look at the options our lifestyles have bought" crap.

reasons for the list of nutritionists (registered dietitians, dammit!) as translated by resident doctor #4: "use these obsessed dietitians on the list as tools to find and bring back information for our appointments." "that's all they can ever be to us is a tool." "just use them, test them, make them go to work for us." "...and a lot of it is how you will react or relate to these people." "i'm interested in hearing you rip this apart when you get back. i need to see it."

fine. fine. fine.
just not now.
i've got fifty things going on.

massive consideration:
- how would i be able to attend an appointment with any of those dietitians without first trying to get down to [physically impossible weight]?

- researching list of nutritionists (registered dietitians!)
consider: throw it away?
consider: why take the time to dwell over this subject?
consider: is this list in resident doctor #4's handwriting?
consider: why does it matter?
- resident doctor #4's writing is ordinarily precise.
consider: was this list scratched out without concern?
consider: can this list detail more than what is written on the paper?

- [doctor providing names for the list] graduated high school in 1967.
[i hadn't yet been born.]
consider: how can he supply names without being able to relate to me?
consider: list is a useful tool or merely a list of names?
consider: not personalized, why bother?
[if wanted or needed i would research my own selections.]

recommendation #1: middle-age, low key, respectful
[possible translation: my personality will knock her right over.]
location: westwood office, on wilshire boulevard.
google reveals: off-putting photographs of pregnant women doing yoga.

recommendation #2: younger, energetic
[possible translations: inexperienced, underemployed]
location: santa monica office building.
google reveals: therapist, eating disorders during pregnancy.
consider: therapist?! rd#4 wants to pawn me off to someone else?!


[sidebar]
- recently rd#4 was alerted to a problem in the form of a QUESTION.
[i was not asking a QUESTION.]
[i was slowly revealing a physical issue and rd#4 would want to know.]

consider: rd#4 thought the question was a QUESTION?
tristan thinks: oh.my.god! ouch!
consider: rd#4 is thick and thin?
anorexia says: "five days on the blocks... suggest stacking them."
tristan says: "but that HURT is several days from now."
consider: how to HURT now?
consider: why to HURT now?

consider: is this list of nutritionists to help answer QUESTIONS?
[rule: one must always no + one must always know]
tristan thinks: i.have.no.QUESTIONS!
tristan thinks: i.must.always.know.anything.i.say!
tristan thinks: [!-------------------! SCREAM !-------------------!]
[/sidebar]


recommendation #3: middle age, energetic
[possible translation: this woman makes a lot of money.]
location: private practice in beverly hills.
tristan thinks: hey, this media whore is famous!
consider: cereal box dietitian?
- rd#4 misspelled her name on the list of nutritionists.
- rd#4 must not eat [heart healthy quaker oatmeal products].
[i've been trying to eat some cereals.]
consider: are media whores expensive?
consider: educated in current trends of diet *and* medicine?
google reveals: recognized authority, today show, cnn, cookbooks.

recommendation #4: friendly
[possible translation: educated elsewhere and new to the area.]
location: no practice information available.
google reveals: home address and phone number.
- lives in the condominium complex right next door to chuck.

rd#4 wrote: use [other doctor's] name to expedite appointment.
consider: ...appointment for what, specifically?

pay
[does not compute]
lumpy
[does not compute]
puffer
[does not compute]
cheese
[does not compute]

rule: must diet to delirium before being seen by a dietitian.
tristan says: "pardon? pay to hear a lumpy puffer idolize fat free cheese?"

are my eyes truly this broken?

+ eyeglasses
+ better computer monitor
+ [nutrition-related concept]
+ sleep
+ employment for chuck
= slightly less of a wonked out blog

note: i'm all for wonked out blogs!
note: And i did studie english, i sware.

consider: what is the list of nutritionists for?
[obvious answer]
consider: okay then, who is it for?

[dietitian = perhaps a nursing degree, perhaps a master's]
[nutritionist = incredibly minor amount of education, if any]

note: i will not combine the difference.
note: rd#4 combines the difference.
note: in conversation, dietitian = nutritionist.

resident doctor #4: "...done at least a two year program, i'd hope."
[scoff]
note: more like a certificate program.
consider: achievement?
tristan sighs.
resident doctor #4: "we're not going to find one with an..."
consider: md, phd, mph, rd, dtr, ld, rn...?

note: i get everything i want... when i want.

resident doctor #4 had a colleague draw up a list of nutritionists and then presented the paper to me this morning. it was an awkward exchange- i had been standing in the corner of his office next the window. after accepting the note, i placed my chin back onto my left shoulder, and in doing so, returned to space without fully leaving the conversation. astronaut, argonaut, and eyes wide open, i was counting with the pulse of westwood boulevard traffic.

[it should have ended there- every aspect of whatever it is i mean]

- wanted neither attention nor list of names
- resented the obligation to take the list
- resented the physical effort required to take the list

my eyes were stuck half into an eye rolling motion but the facial expression was being hidden by an infinite shyness. "they're all women," resident doctor #4 continued. certainly he read my mind but just didn't acknowledge the strike. "the problem is that nutritionists in los angeles are... well--"

"mm-hmm," i said, still stuck on the window. did it really need to be said?

[since this didn't end earlier, i should have ended all of it here.]

returning the paper to resident doctor #4 would have invalidated the situation, but in not wanting to be rude, the list was merely folded into an illusion of preservation. not only will the ridiculous issues related to a nutritionist (registered dietitian, dammit!) grow for weeks, but i will specifically use those anxieties to negatively influence my eating. anorexia is always prepared for a potential epic, but being january, time is ideal to play the puppet.

"the problem with the nutritionists here-- well... they're all crazy. that's why there are notes written out next to each of their names. it's to let you know in advance what each of them might be like."

resident doctor #4, meet BLUNDER.

prediction: chuck will be hired by both #1 and #2 next week.

#1: substantially higher wages than those lost, similar job title.
#2: slightly higher wages than those lost, higher management position.

consider: opt for more money or more responsibility?
- chuck's pick.
- i'm just happy he has gathered an extraordinary selection.
note: job #1 is probably a better option for him than job #2.

we're finding a lot of freedom this week (having expected much more than the one evening of terror) and the leisure stems from making appropriate choices over the last few years. though it stung, we invested when wanting to buy toys, and now it appears we unknowingly have purchased a safety net. it's nice- it allows for sanity. for the most part, this week has been pleasant.

i definitely need to stop blogging in the evenings. my ed-related eyesight and language problem is much easier to cope with earlier in the day.

chuck says: "but i've only been fired since noon on tuesday."
consider: why compartmentalize firing and suspension now?
note: point is, his income ended one week ago today.

note: chuck still seeks a sabbatical.
- even if remaining at home.
- even if being forced to rearrange, scrub, and maintain.

consider: endless vacation?
plan: staying home = physically more demanding than employment

chuck says: "the medicine is making me loopy in the evenings."
note: chuck is currently focused and is updating his resume.
consider: antidepressant medicine or housework-related backache?

- returned to see if chuck had fallen into depressed crisis mode.
+ he didn't request his new prescriptions.
+ 10 other important things remain unattended.

- determined chuck's boxes of crap from work to be a gold mine.
- 5000 current, qualified, and targeted local sales leads.
- one of these specialized leads alone could be worth $5 to $25.

consider: selling each individual lead how many thousands of times?
consider: how do i go about finding the buyers?

chuck said: "don't worry. i'm throwing all of this paper out tonight."

consider: who owns this property? chuck? his former firm?
- the potential wealth found in those boxes of leads is confounding.
consider: he printed the information rather than saving to a disc?!

[plan a = find chuck a tolerable job at a similar wage]
[plan b = potentially confounding wealth sits in a box]

- both plan a and plan b will be put to task.
- chuck's job loss will then only result in a financial reward.

[goal ≠ confounding wealth]
[goal = freedom that financial success can bring]

- spent several hours researching at ucla.
- maltodextrin allergy, sensitivity to corn, etc...
- forced students to eat sandwich cookies and monitor akathisia.

- agreed to [a guest lecture event] with the prosperous professor.
- sought out additional resume parchment paper in westwood.

worst part of day: retrieved voicemail messages.

- agreed to go out this week with a makeupartist friend.
note: dread.
- i look ghastly, sick, rough, and worn, etc...

consider: difference between 'whole foods market' and 'bread and circus.'
- returned to my home for the first time since last thursday.
- roasted a turkey breast for the physician who moved in with me.
he said: "i thought you never left the house?"

note: too many people continue to confuse today with yesterday.
consider: why won't they ever flip over their calendars?

>e-mail: on the one hand, that you have started secretly treating chuck with drugs is hilarious. (that's how i originally read the blog.) on the other hand, it seems cruel that...

error! error!

i wrote: i've started medicating chuck with psychiatric drugs.
you read: i've started secretly medicating chuck with psychiatric drugs.

of course we both know that your interpretation was how the journal entry was supposed to be read even though the clarification was purposely omitted, right? take the bait, but just don't swallow it.

humor: since chuck had almost worked an entire pay period before his suspension, the majority of his accrued vacation hours were calculated at an overtime wage.

...and i laughed out loud as everything bad is routinely good.

[if you are fired in california, your employer must pay all wages due to you immediately upon termination. accrued vacation benefits must be paid as wages with the final paycheck.]

i will:
- need to go to japan soon [new project]
- drink a final cup of coffee this morning
- exchange the 18th for the 20th
- verbally assault whoever left the salt shaker on my desk
- not rebel against the concept of relaxation

[rant: how it is complacent people can only...]

anxiety = pre-fact
[ocd = help the fact along]
anorexia = post-fact

thank god for facts.
i hate uncertainty.

tuesday night = unsuccessful food unit

friday 13th: scheduled appointment with resident doctor #4.
monday 16th: holiday.
wednesday 18th: scheduled appointment with resident doctor #4.

note: though meaning dietitian, rd#4 erred by mentioning a nutritionist.
rule: never entitled unless anorexia starves completely for [long time].
[translation: i must appear on the verge of death to ever see a dietitian.]
note: add unless inpatient, need, and to feel entitled to above translation.

consider: water fast until the 18th?
consider: seriously restrict the water?
[18th = attentive, and noticeable loss in weight, cognition...]
note: perhaps not, driving chuck around for job interviews + whatnot
anorexia says: "tsk! you'll be sitting. it's no problem."

consider: rd#4 thinks i will make an appointment with a dietitian?!?!?!!
consider: rd#4 thinks i will attend that appointment?!?!?!!
consider: rd#4 thinks i will speak to a dietitian aloud?!?!?!!
note: anorexia restricts food, comfort, money, sleep, words, sex...
consider: anorexia restricts pleasure.

[dietitian-related possibility = food, nutrition, life]
[dietitian-related possibility = violent anorexic response]

consider: rd#4 thinks i'll speak to someone else about energy?!?!!

[skip ahead]

tristan says: "nah, rd#4 just wants this post to happen in his office."

i hate optimism. yesterday was bad and it felt good, but i HATE conjuring the perpetual positive attitude in an effort to calm.

i've been blogging about invalid friend chuck- the very person who, not quite three years ago, couldn't pull himself together enough to get hired to ring the salvation army christmas bell. never, should either of us forget this (now embarrassing) fact.

[thank god it's not like that anymore.]

chuck, the guy who would have been happy with a $7/hour cashier position at the home depot, if only they would hire him, finished the year at slightly over $70K. this is amazing considering the firm allowed for no overtime hours. while this is not a noteworthy income in southern california, he has stayed employed on his own and managed to earn that salary without milking the company.

[i mean, it's better.]
[it's a lot better now.]
[it's better enough that i triple checked the simple addition.]

a new employment inquiry was made today at a firm offering a higher wage.

[okay, so okay.]
[this isn't even close to the end of the world.]

monday night = successful food unit

even though he didn't want to wear an orange prison jumpsuit for the occasion, i drove chuck to the death chamber this morning. i walked with him to the door and we both half-heartedly shrugged before splitting up. ten minutes later, and with his final paycheck in hand, chuck met up with me back at the car.

his paycheck not only includes thirteen days of employment and over eighty hours of vacation time, but a surprise fortune in store commissions. one commission alone could easily pay $4000.

consider: chuck's monthly bills are low. i bet he thinks he can live for an entire year on that check alone. [oh my god!]

thirty minutes later, one of chuck's former co-worker called and explained that he had just been fired, too. without a warning! how that must suck. i would prefer a hint and then to ride the anxiety roller coaster of five hundred various possibilities.

an hour later, another phone call informed us that the entire store had been cleaned out- everyone who had been currently working has been let go. i was concerned that chuck's temper played a part in his firing, or perhaps he did something quasi-illegal, but it feels much better to know he was part of the collective axe.

note: i've started medicating chuck with psychiatric drugs.
note: this practice has been historically successful.
note: otherwise, welfaresteak doesn't understand 'get your ass in gear.'
tristan says: "and i'll gladly help him, but refuse to babysit."

no information. chuck has a meeting with [unknown person, someone from the firm] today at noon. this is obviously bad news.

my opinion: a suspension (where an employee would eventually return to work after the punishment) would just end- that worker could revisit his position without formalities. in this case, where there is a meeting with a superior, chuck (i assume) is going to sign papers and be handed his final check. what do i know? returning to work after suspension may require a meeting, too, but i doubt it.

by my calculations, chuck's paycheck should include thirteen days of work and slightly over eighty vacation hours. not to sound any optimistic alarms, but that's a plus. chuck had wanted to use his vacation hours and i'd been struggling with trying to find a way to cash them out for investment.

chuck says: "recharging my batteries is an investment... mexico?"
tristan says: "now if you hadn't forced our $3500 trip to peru..."

- chuck cashed in 11 vacation days the first weeks of november.
- i spent $3500 to endure his lack of international tack.
[eleven more vacation days banked = equivalent to a two week paycheck]

call the local news:
it's 10:00am and welfaresteak has the initiative to take shower!

HURT ≠ hurt

Act II, Scene I: Fighting in the car.
Act II, Scene II: Crying at a Westfield Shopping Mall.
Act II, Scene III: Silent screams, hoarse voices.
Act II, Scene IV: This is all my fault.
Act II, Scene V: If I could HURT, I could feel better.
Act II, Scene VI: Mmm-phh! crying is ruining my jacket.

Act I, Scene I: Crying while sitting on the bathroom floor.
Act I, Scene II: The same.
Act I, Scene III: Welfaresteak is whipped into doing housework.

we are still waiting to find out if chuck is fired or not. it's monday, currently during the middle of the business day, and no one from human resources has called. anxiety disorder is verging on crazy, but it's okay. the heart attack is allowed to start this afternoon.

the phone rings. my chest implodes. how is it chuck acts as though anyone other than certain death is calling? one of his co-workers wants to know what is going on. hang up! the two of them shouldn't conspire.

"ask him if your time card was pulled and faxed to human resources or to the payroll department," i suggest.

the co-worker confirms.
sorry chuck.

note: appointment with resident doctor #4 this morning

- obviously wasted my whole hour worrying about dumbf/ck chuck.
- rd#4 is concerned over my digestive functioning.
- he will call around and compose a nutritionist referral list.
consider: certificate-holding nutritionist or registered dietitian?
consider: dietitian or dietician?

resident doctor #4 says: "preferably not one from pediatrics."
note: pediatrics = ucla eating disorder inpatient clinic
note: pediatric dietitian + rigid anorexia = inflexible protocol

consider: an anti-iceberg lumpy flax yogurt soy olive oil... expert?
- fear all, especially the woman's essentially bound apples.
note: dietitian must be male

food unit ≠ unit of food

i do believe that sunday wasn't shredded until 3am on monday.

an unexpected food unit will be shredding sunday.

the food unit will not be shredding sunday.

last night = first [successful] food unit since may 2005
[shredded meal] = absolutely cancels out [unrelated] daily life

- food unit still has the potential to shred my sunday
- i doubt it will

- drove five billion miles to the car dealership.
- accosted by a seriously slick and sleazy salesman.

invalid friend chuck says: "...is listed on your web site."
- salesman needs to double check current inventory.
tristan thinks: oh, come on! i got out of the car for this.

salesman returns, says: "no, that one's gone."
note: typical.
salesman says: "but good luck on your search for one of those."
note: buying a car should not take an entire decade.

tristan asks: "so you are still technically employed, right?"
chuck says: "yep."
tristan says: "then this would be the weekend to buy a car becau--"
chuck interrupts: "okay."
chuck asks: "did you find one?"

[more prodding]
chuck says: "i will buy you anything you want- anything i can afford."

[there must be a brick wall somewhere]
chuck says: "whichever car you want. when do you want to go?"

note: even though i created this, it's scary. it really is.

idea:
chuck, who remains suspended from work and lacks an income, should take out a loan and buy me a new car.

reasoning:
i have been working on improving his credit score and have brought it up from as bad as possible (very meager fico score + owing creditors) to now one worthy of holding several credit card accounts. the credit score clears the 700 range and he is debt free. had chuck the down payment, he could qualify for a home loan. since he does not know about any of this, his impression is that any application for credit will be declined. a secured visa card with a hysterically low credit limit isn't even a possibility in his mind. he does know i am trying to tie up the loose ends of his past, but has never questioned as to whether or not i have started or succeeded.

today, the information listed on an application for a car loan would undoubtedly secure an approval. chuck's job status, even though currently suspended, would show that he is employed and has been with the same firm for over two years. [if/when he is fired on monday, this is a big negative mark on a credit application. even one year from now, his then current job history will not look good to a lender. two years is key.] i need a new everyday car and could purchase on my own, but consistent automobile payments would benefit chuck's credit history. a loan should be requested in his name, and i (after immediately having him sign off of his interest on the title to secure i am the only owner of the car) should make 'his' loan payments.

suspension from work:
the situation is bad and i assume he will not be returning to the firm. chuck should pray the company doesn't press charges. even if chuck is ultimately returned to work, we both agree the goal is to find employment with a new firm as soon as possible. the human resources office was supposed to let him know the outcome of [some type of investigation] on friday but never rang. it's now saturday. we assume there will be no information relevant to job status until monday.

as it stands, we have the weekend to buy a car.
i know which one: hand stitched leather, venomous, temperamental...

hate the weekend.
hate that chuck cannot manage all details involved in getting hired.
hate that i will remain at his house until this problem is solved.

no worn online rages about having to collect discarded water bottles and aluminum cans to take to the recycler. no hyperblogging referencing the future elimination of electrical power to save the expense. no nothing, mostly. there have been relatively few instances of anxiety related to chuck and finances.

so much has changed. three years ago, every hour would have been spent in an effort to help chuck find a job *and* he would have been hired by now. no sleeping allowed. no music allowed. no lighthearted playfulness. no trips to the store. ["where do you think you're going? we have one mustard packet remaining and salt- rip two damn salt packets open and eat them."] no petting of the cat. no wasting of time. no fat greed can request to ingest the mustard packet, ever. no superfluous anything.

i haven't been bothered to find an old copy of chuck's resume to tweak. in fact, there is no stress or hurry and we are taking the weekend off. i suggested aspen, but flights don't line up to get me home in time for monday morning appointments.

so, sorry, but the traditional trainwreck post incorporating anything other than nutrient subtraction isn't going to happen.

welfaresteak = acute term of endearment

[though it would spark motivation]
must not catalyze world war eleven
[though it would spark motivation]

why?
i can't tell you why.
he "didn't do anything wrong."
aarrgghhh, again!

reminisce: [photos]
last time chuck was fired,
i was traveling alone in borneo and cambodia.

reminisce: [photos]
last time chuck was hired,
i was traveling with motherfigure in costa rica.

after two years and seventeen (obsessively counted) days later, invalid friend chuck has been suspended from his job. i, what else, act as though he has officially been let go.

do note how 'having been fired' would serve as a benefit as then invalid friend expletive could collect unemployment benefits. but no! in typical invalid friend expletive fashion, invalid friend expletive ranks a suspension higher on the level of security than an actual job loss.

consider:
- smack an invalid friend expletive upside the head, what happens?
- would the rattling pea fall out or fall into place?

[- blog entry should end here -]

consider: yay?
note: we were becoming complacent and this job loss was inevitable.
note: chuck was going to quit back in october, so...
consider: perhaps, no big deal?

fact: this 'job loss anxiety' is a lost cause, invalidate all stress.
consider: fact? maturity? cut up a venlafaxine (effexor) tablet?
note: i'm not splitting effexor.

oh, resident doctor #4, you are welcomed graciously tonight.

problem: detailing how anorexia interfered with yesterday morning.
note: needed to secure delirious juice and [something else] in bel air.
anorexia says: "interfered?! i'd never let you be late!"

note: many uncomfortable situations before arriving at ucla.
consider: discomfort, hindrance, or success?
anorexia says: "there will be no multiple choice tests."
note: bad was good in that bad was bad enough for good to happen.
anorexia and tristan say: "we don't consider that kind of good to be good."

problem: writing about [specific food plan] without embarrassment.
consider: writing around the problem in the problem's own language?

today was the day i violently answered the door while wearing nothing but undergarments and a bathrobe. a stranger who had been knocking and rattling the door handle, while shouting out expletives (to someone who doesn't live here) gave me a look that said i was overreacting.

there is nothing vindictive or witchy about posting a "lease renewal/30 days notice" when one rents out their condo. stop feeling bad about the annual rent increase. rent payments rise. the tenants will pay, or they will vacate, but since you know they will pay... calm down!!

- appointment with resident doctor #4 this morning.
- a reuniting after a long holiday-related break in structure.
- blacked out several times during the hilly drive through bel air.
- fear.

note: delirious juice was required.
rule #5e: there will be no delirious juice.

conflict.

resident doctor #4 said: "can i offer you a chair, please?"
resident doctor #4 said: "will you have a seat this time?"
tristan said: "no."

note: anorexia has been forcing the corner-standing since october.

it's noon on wednesday.
does the phone ring?
hell no.

- voicemail reveals vacation will end at noon on wednesday.
- a few people call, listen to voicemail, and immediately call back.
- and then back again.
- and later, too!
- odd, since it merely sounds like a leaf blower tuesday.
note: must treat interrupting individuals as rude and needy.

- particularly absurd individual calls numerous times.
note: particularly absurd individual is an employee.
note: he translates my gibberish into respectable chinese.
- phone is answered.
person says: "see, i knew you were at home instead of on vacation."
tristan says: "where was it stated i would be away from home?"
person says: "no, well i... uh... NO, DON'T HANG UP!!!"
tristan says: "i'll first need you to define the word vacation."

vacation = time devoted to rest or pleasure
vacation ≠ away from residence

person says: "[blah, blah, unimportant blah, blah...]"
person says: "can you possibly [blah blah blah] for me?"
person says: "[fears, anxieties, superfluous information...]"
tristan asks: "you need me to do what for you?"

- word travels, monster does indeed stir, phone now rings nonstop
consider: reluctantly agree to return to daily life?

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