flagrant disregard

there is an a-ha concert next week in munich and a friend of mine has suggested that he would like to take me to the show. not only does the concert fall on my birthday, but this is over the thanksgiving holiday and we would be able to spend a long weekend in germany.

unfortunately, at this level of life, i travel incessantly and am neither blown away by the possibility, nor the offer to fly to germany. taking a trip to europe for a long weekend should be huge, but instead it gets an "eh." his accumulated fortune in frequent flyer miles must rival my own, and due to this, an irritating part of me invalidates potential thrill.

"perhaps these would be inexpensive redemption flights," i think. "perhaps my friend would not respect the affluence, or the international upgrades, in the same regard as if we were to buy last minute business class airline tickets to europe?"

been there, done that.
way too many times.

i hate how i know this is a profound level of luxury and fun, but cannot even feel a spark of excitement. i am angry in that my travels have made the world too comfortable and _______.

not so much boring, but certainly _________.

a weekend getaway is a nice idea, but a low impact activity or one located in los angeles may be a better option. [...and pardon my norwegian, but a-ha put on a poor show. not to compare the two, but traveling that far just to hear morten bumble the words to their latest inferior offering three days after seeing depeche mode perform amid corbijn-curated stage design would surely suck.]


view of la compañía de jesús (company of jesus' church)- cusco, peru

there is only one valid excuse other than this lack of enthusiasm-- the vacation i took in peru earlier in the month interfered with independent projects. why withdraw another long weekend, which will inevitably extend to five or six days, only to engage in lighthearted playfulness?

on the other hand, my family never assembles for the thanksgiving holiday dinner and chuck's overeating tradition comes straight out of the can from ocean spray. i need not don an apron, grip a turkey baster, and stress over the threat of a dry bird.

are anxieties interfering with accepting this gift? no-- none aside from a worry of appearing deficient in gratitude. introversion? nope. the weekend would be spent in munich-- a favorite, familiar, and enjoyable city. even my appointments with resident doctor #4 have been adapted for the thanksgiving holiday and would perfectly bookend the trip. no one would notice my absence or need to rearrange plans.


a-ha concert ticket stub, november 26, 2000-- olympiahalle, munich

i have yet to officially decline, preferring to joke that "someone has already taken me to munich for my birthday to see a-ha at olympiahalle." apparently this isn't very funny (yes it is!) but isn't the truth absurd?

should i go, just to go? i refuse to surrender to false obligation and also have no need to collect the experience. ordinarily, if i wanted to take on the excess, i could use anxiety as the excuse and state the situation could function as therapy.

this trip would only be taken to find the element of fun-- and my rigidity at the current time is far too strong to desire bending in the direction of 'fun.' the only reason i see to go is that this is an instance of personal bonding. my physician would be thrilled that i accepted this level of social connection.

jury duty-- california license plate on a porsche cayenne s suv

after throwing all previous summons away and now failing to appear for jury duty the third time, i have just received a registered letter ordering me to perform. should my newly scheduled appearance at the beverly hills courthouse not happen, the letter suggests, i will be expected at an 'order to show cause' hearing where -- blah blah blah-- i must provide substantial justification for missing jury duty or pay up to $1500 in fines.

"payment of any monetary sanctions imposed will not excuse you from future jury duty service." well, of course no one is allowed to pay their way out of civic responsibility. who would think otherwise?

undoubtedly, i will accept the experience and go to the courthouse. it won't be reluctantly, either. dare i go against popular opinion and suggest that it may even be interesting? might it be a theater of hell, yet still offer blog-worthy entertainment?

consider if i were to neglect this final summons. what would eventually be spoken before a judge?

"that summons for jury duty which i ignored back in september? um, yeah. well that's around the time when i promoted a disregard for the law and was tentatively breaking rules under the guise of improving mental health. actually, i wasn't even in l.a. i was traveling in cuba purely for tourism and to prove my independence." a u.s. citizen taking an unlicensed trip to cuba stands in violation of the embargo under the trading with the enemy act and, if caught, comes with a $7500 fine-- it would be better to serve the court rather than tell it an extra truth.

this current medical trial with effexor (venlafaxine) somewhat amps me up, yet also proves to lower anxiety levels. these possible sanctions from the los angeles superior court are not exciting the typical visceral need for self destruction. in fact, currently they are nothing but amusing. the medicine seems to tighten attitude in addition to supplying portions of unfamiliar indifference.

back to reality. who cares how i feel now-- how am i going to react as the time draws near?

with my twice weekly standing appointments with resident doctor #4, i could easily get out of making an appearance. should i get a doctor's note to excuse me from the jury process even though agoraphobia, social phobia, and anxiety disorder are not out of control right now? asking for a written note from my psychiatrist doesn't seem necessary, rather, this attendance could be a tool in which to help facilitate health.

today (and albeit under the influence of this prescription antidepressant) an appointment for jury duty feels to be something to avoid out of chronic "frustrations with" rather than a "fear in" dealing with the public.

----
[skip ahead to the future: what happened at the courthouse, or "why i am glad i didn't give in to the lameness of illness."]

what: los angeles kings vs. vancouver canucks nhl hockey game
where: a staples center corporate-leased luxury suite
who: two male friends, five other rowdy strangers

comment: it takes much more effort to remain composed, doesn't it?
translation: it was a good time, and almost-- almost a perfect day.

[long story short:]
in a grocery store, i thought one of the other shoppers was following me around, but tried to put the thought to bed. certainly i was just nervous to be there. a few minutes later my companion caught the customer photographing me with his cell phone.


[long story long:]
not enough time remains in my life to detail the endless spectrums of fear related to this afternoon. was that man out to capture a fashion don't for a magazine? am i a few weeks away from being a month-long snicker in the back pages of glamour or another american fashion rag? will the snapshot be used to excite an online fetish site? was it for some type of an online appearance ratings site? a bag of cat food was in the hand basket, but was my anorexic profile captured surrounded by bright boxes of food porn or only walking past boring cans of vegetables? [etc...] these thoughts might be silly, but it doesn't yet feel that way. recalling the man's subtle smirk of satisfaction, having confirmed the saved photo in his handset, just feeds the headache.

assembled, displaying a just-back-from-vacation glow and classic fashion, i had left the house confident enough to wear purple crocodile shoes. whether worn for a flair of fun or just to wear them out, is all the same in that they were of no concern. their hue hedges more towards a dark plum wine, as the sheen of the purple leather seems muted. one would not double take unless standing alongside my feet in bright sunshine where the brilliance is known to be eye catching.

even though my size is odd and nothing else relating to appearance was unacceptable, i still cannot release thoughts of nefarious intention. how do you turn that around? how can a person live for decades under the impression that he or she is the ugliest sack of crap on earth and then one day admit that the world had flipped over for a moment? without chronic repetition, how can one ever believe a presence was positive?

what: anaheim mighty ducks vs. dallas stars (wednesday)
where: the worst seats at the arrowhead pond of anaheim
with: one male friend and four other strangers
and: restaurants and alcoholic entertainments, but no pressure

consider, the trial of effexor:
- no issues, silence, fear, nerves, attitude, or lack of enjoyment
- unable to currently relate to any previous social phobias
- understand anxiety to be true, but cannot describe old emotions

since my brother followed through with divorce proceedings, and took it upon himself to research and also stand up for himself, i am going to send him a check.

consider: "congratulations on fixing things" is all the action means, but the dumbass might automatically relate "being broke/immature choices" with "receiving free money." (worse: "moving to the statistically inferior location of north dakota is a good idea.") i never show up in people's lives when they are scraping by and eating ramen- the present always appears after a desperate situation has been rectified.

consider: sending ten thousand dollars would tell him more about my life that he needs to know. one thousand is potentially meaningless. five thousand seems odd- but that may just be related to my obsessive relationship with numbers.

i am continuing to take approximately 'one fifth' to 'one quarter' of an effexor tablet and am having a continued experience of being amped up. this is neither similar to a nervous energy nor a jittery feeling. the medicine merely feels like a very mild, low dose stimulant-- complete with the loss of appetite. this is helping to facilitate an increased obstinacy when it comes to food and eating.

effexor reinforces, rather than tricks the negative voice of anorexia and noticeably strengthens self harming philosophy. i have been actively constructing stricter food rules/rituals and implementing them, rather than struggling to stay at a 'safe' level of harm. my physician will not be pleased.

a few times i have had a glass of water to drink, and then immediately thought, "wait a minute. did i really want that water or did i just do it automatically? i didn't have to drink that water- i should make myself throw it up." though there have been times, i am not one to usually want to throw up water- not unless in a state of severe rigidity. this thought is also occurring whenever ingesting smaller amounts of safe foods even though the ingestion totals around 80 - 100 calories.

"your brother's divorce is final," motherfigure had written in an e-mail. this statement might mean a completely different sentiment. one time she oddly telephoned during a random afternoon and mentioned that my father was having some tests done at a hospital. upon further investigation, it was revealed that she had been calling from a pay phone from the hospital while my father was undergoing heart surgery. who can be sure what she is trying to say? this divorce has been dragging on for over a year and a half, so she may be correct. i thought motherfigure had mentioned the divorce was final before now, but i may only be remembering a chaotically fragmented letter relating to his bankruptcy.

how simple of them. the divorce cured their inflexibility, and bankruptcy proceedings blessed the greed. when two flippant and immature idiots bemoan their whimsical disasters, is anyone supposed to care? how can someone without hearing of any legitimacy? insurmountable hospital bills, disability, adultery, addictions, and abuse all work but none of those relate to the situation. i refuse to understand the fighting. having loved someone enough to mingle property ownership and bank accounts, when the two of us split up, it was only natural to ensure that the other was well cared for. if a marriage was bad enough to separate, why bother to argue over furniture and whatnot? situations such as those are too pathetic to watch. had my significant other and i fought over material objects, neither one of us would feel as though we won something over the other person, rather, later on we both would have admitted to feeling like an ass.

"your brother might move to north dakota." this proves that his wires are indeed crossed. where might either greatness or opportunity be located in north dakota? is there some form of secretive brilliance coming out of north dakota state university these days? how many fortune 500 presidents or executives have weighed the benefits and decided to stake their lives there? one plus is the certain safety in nothingness. an unconscious retraction? i wonder what in the hell he is thinking?! my brother must have been granted a very limited visitation arrangement to be considering leaving his son's general vicinity.

"...and (the now ex-wife) is getting remarried over the christmas holiday season."

well now, this computes.
how appropriately fitting for her!

i just opened a new bank account.
"your personal identification code is: peru."
now, how odd is that?

- continued taking merely 1mg of zoloft liquid concentrate in peru
- the smallest tablet of zoloft contains a 25mg dose of medicine
- sporadic instances of rage, depression, and suicidality remained
- it was difficult to talk myself through those waves of desperation

- resident doctor #4 said: "should we continue it for another week or..?"

- my father once tried, but was also immediately unbearable on zoloft
- returned from my appointment today with a prescription for effexor
- i now own $100 worth of dangerous and useless zoloft oral concentrate

- people who aren't tight with their emotions hate effexor
- others know how to combine it with the weight loss drug phentermine
- which can either be a weight loss lottery or a bed of seizures

- filled the effexor prescription immediately at costco
- only $20 for 20 pills (120 doses, i'll cut these tablets)
- a customer at the pharmacy was trying to scam controlled substances
- and when he couldn't, tried for 300 tablets of viagra
- 300 viagra! shouldn't he have been embarrassed?

- i was worried that the pharmacist would say, "back again?"
- or, "let me guess, five pills this time or do you just need two?"
pharmacist instead said, "tristan, feel free to go smack that man."

"how did your body respond to the lack of oxygen at such a high altitude?" not only did resident doctor #4 phrase it right, but he brought up another instance of endurance.

this was thought to be interesting, but after some thought, is probably very predictable. i constantly push my body so hard that, even thought i prepared for it, no altitude sickness was experienced while trekking around cusco. any light-headedness or chest pains were chalked up to the activity of travel or deflected to anorexia. upon arriving to machu picchu, chuck and i took an hour off for bottled water and to rest while soaking up the view. he blamed ingesting alpaca steak strips, but i suggested we were not taking in enough liquids. at an altitude of 11000 feet, unsteadiness was expected and we scheduled an easy first day, which really only proved to waste our time in peru.

paws and his present from peru
- an authentic alpaca blanket.

paws is neither happy to have been boarded, nor is excited to have the two of us return. chuck and i drove straight from the airport to collect him from the cat hotel, and paws seemed to have no recollection of the two of us. he even went as far as to act scared and back further into the cage. the woman managing the cattery mentioned that her cat behaved similarly when boarded for a week or more.

now, we did waft of neglected laundry and a week spent trekking around one of the third world's stinkiest cities, but still, we both thought the reunion would be different. when paws saw us approach his cat condo, his eyes got huge, and though safe, it was clear that he did not have a very secure week.

economy class syndrome- somewhere, out there

[back from peru]
somehow it all worked out.
it always does.

catacombs, monasterio de san francisco- lima, peru

urubamba river- train ride from aguas calientes to cusco, peru

the specks on the window are left from the peruvian shantytown children and their habitual rock throwing. when night falls, they come out and heft decent sized rocks or spray water into any open windows as the train slowly winds through the final stretch before arriving in cusco. are they angry with the affluent travelers? annoyed with all of the stray dogs who howl and bay as the train passes by? or are they merely disturbed by the scraping noise from the rails? perhaps, it's just fun to break glass and frighten ripe-to-be-scared tourists.


peru rail- aguas calientes, peru

three doorways and residential sector ruins- machu picchu, peru


agricultural terraces- machu picchu, peru


the lost city of the incas- machu picchu, peru

llamas- sanctuary of machu picchu, peru

the village of machu picchu pueblo- aguas calientes, peru

train passenger- cusco to aguas calientes, peru

andean foothills, as seen from an airplane- lima to cusco, peru

[- slowly adding additional posts from peru -]

did motherfigure end up traveling with the two of you?:

no, but it's just as well. lima certainly is not the place for me to babysit two people.

is chuck having a good time in peru?:

no. when he is not pissed off about where we are, chuck has either been completely stressed out about the foreign surroundings, or is walking around more dumbfounded than usual. he wants an honest answer as to why we chose to visit a shantytown-surrounded, diesel and urine reeking city, where hypervigilance is required for our own safety. "how is this considered a vacation," he keeps yelling. i am beginning to wonder myself.


the other day, chuck raised his voice to me in public. since this behavior will not be tolerated -- we are visitors and representatives of our country -- i stopped, rooted through the daypack, and handed him his passport. i said, "i trust you know how to get to the airport at the end of the week for our flights home?" that particular second in time changed everything. he realized that i was in my element, did not want the hassle of traveling with a domestic fool, and would be more than happy to disappear.

since that episode of hell, the trip has vastly improved.

the joke is on him, though. chuck has completely forgotten about work and has said that the other issues which were tearing him up seem so minor he cannot believe they ranked as maddening. he also mentions a firsthand understanding of the renewal of spirit i talk about receiving through travel and "how he knows that upon returning home 'those little things which are difficult to do' will be easy." since then this vacation has evened out. peru is extremely different from where we live. it's not supposed to be simple trip and this is why we came here.


are you going to visit the uyuni salt flats in bolivia?

why? do you think i've never been there? god, i hope the magic eight ball says no to this one. if i were traveling alone probably, but not this trip as it would contradict the point. chuck needs a little bit of internationally branded security, and not a 4x4 expedition out to where there is nothing to do but be alone with one's thoughts.

or are you even traveling to bolivia at all?

as of right now, we are wide open for the week. perhaps after duneboarding huacachina, we will get a glimpse of the nazca lines or visit the chauchilla cemetery to see the mummies. i'd rather hire a boat to take the two of us out to tour islas ballestas ("the poor man's galapagos"). it is part of the paracas national reserve where oodles of sea lions, peruvian boobies, and humboldt penguins thrive.

chuck wants to venture north to brazil and into the amazon rainforest, but that would involve flights, a fortune of cash not budgeted, and we don't have nearly enough time. merely getting to the jungle from lima would be a trip in itself. i only mentioned bolivia in previous blog entries as a potential departure option from south america as to keep us in hypermode. ideally, i wouldn't have wanted to retrace our path back to north to lima unless absolutely necessary, but our return flight departs from there.

[miraflores district, lima, peru]
taking a vacation in cancun with all of its traditional comforts would have DEFINITELY been a much better option than visiting peru, but since this is only the beginning of our trip, i cannot yet regret the choice. right now it appears that it is chuck who receives a vacation, and i have accepted a year's worth of work.

chuck has never learned how to simultaneously relax and retain awareness of his surroundings. he is noticeably stressed out when on the street but is also in 'tough guy' mode and refusing to admit any fear. why does he think he needs to hold that stance? the entire point of coming here was rooted in the fact he would be uncomfortable.

his rigidity is beginning to border on obnoxious. it is not as though i am dragging him through the urban shantytowns which surround the city or are promoting risky behavior. the point of this trip, whether chuck knows it or not, was to find discomfort without actively seeking out the distraction. it is working-- his brain is on overtime with constant translations of words, foreign gestures, and cultural body languages. chuck has not mentioned anything related to his firm.

we have only been meandering by foot through, in my opinion, very safe areas. travel literature does state otherwise, but i can handle both of us here.

after seeking out a travel agent and purchasing one-way airline tickets to cusco (machu picchu), we bought extra shirts and jackets at a modern department store. in the vicinity of international chains such as mcdonald's and dunkin' donuts, i even convinced chuck to eat at a non-threatening sidewalk cafe near parque central-- the beautifully manicured parque kennedy gardens.

suggesting to investigate the bicycle carts for street vendor snacks and local fare as an option for lunch was immediately invalidated without explanation. does chuck have issues with sanitation or is this uneasiness only related to the unfamiliar foods? probably both, but i doubt he would care to look over the cleanliness review of his favorite fast food restaurant back home. i am traveling here to question and successfully break out from barriers- not to purposefully make us vulnerable or sick!

though touted in lonely planet peru, and obviously patronized by international clientele (the tourist industry), chuck still decided to play it safe at the cafe by ordering an american hamburger. the option of grilled guinea pig would have at least been interesting and have a prolonged conversational value, but by the time it was suggested, he was tired of my encouragement. i tried to warn him that there was no real safety in the selection of a hamburger-- that it might be better to place an order for a foreign menu item and then pleasantly notice the familiar foods which make up his meal when dissecting the plate.

chuck hears nothing, ever, so it was no surprise that his hamburger arrived wearing a peruvian costume. it consisted of fresh bread, stewed tomato chunks, cucumber slices, runny white cheese, and the patty (we think) was made up of soy and... bits of grass? we considered the possibility that it was an alpaca patty, but deciding to call the meat 'soy' eased its digestion. my mixed salad arrived without any type of lettuce, but it instead combined broccoli, string beans, and other various vegetables with a few slices of beet. avoiding carrots and eating on the opposite side of an unexpected avocado worked out fine. no lettuce! i almost panicked but considered my role. i showed flexibility and interest without pause.

peru has a particular reputation for thievery. with millions of unemployed and poor people, snatched bags, slashings, pickpocketing and other opportunistic crimes are obviously rampant where travelers congregate. when our waiter at the aforementioned restaurant (cafe haiti) secured our shopping bags to a table leg with a strap, chuck shot me a look which illustrated he had let his hyper level of guard down while in the establishment, but also questioned why we decided to visit such a dangerous city.

the miraflores area of lima is sparkly and overpriced, has many security guards patrolling the surroundings, but is hardly scary.

[miraflores district, lima, peru]
oh my sweet nike, i forgot to pack running shoes.