flagrant disregard

"would you rather begin with weight restoration," from resident doctor #4's mouth, "or should we try to stop the purging?" ordinarily unfazed by the constant comedy i find, this question blew away september's accumulation of hysterical statements. darn! motherfigure's earlier comments regarding my vacation ("communist cubans would only want to kill me" and "mexico is good solid ground") now rank second and third.

the only laudable portion of resident doctor #4's question is how he ignored my opinion on gaining weight. it is nothing if not clear, that anorexia finds any positive adjustment in physical size to be a conflict of interest. at the current time, i could not give one damn if this attitude is what finally kills me. i worked diligently for decades to distort food intake and manipulate my body-- why not gladly endure any uncomfortable aspect that has resulted from my own choice? now, if resident doctor #4 would like to unwind a spectrum of depression or kill off phobias which can get out of hand, no problem.

a) cure maldigestion enough to stop puking.
b) weight restoration.

pick one.
could scooter think that picking one equals choosing two?

consider how restoring digestion and replacing body weight would be possible for someone without this illness, but how i have the furnace of metabolism on my side.

for a month, at least.
perhaps six weeks?
i don't know. i'm sure to panic by then.
god scooter, get your nose out of the manual and learn from people.

let's liken the choice to something else:
would you like to learn how to drive a car today or how to hold your cell phone and designer coffee while shifting a six speed, manual transmission, high torque vehicle in stop-and-go los angeles traffic?

oh no, it is after all, the same question.

a day in history: i had to work this morning.

- familiar photographer.
- three hours in total.
- everything went smooth.
- they told me to take home the clothes.
- $1500 shoes? ha ha, mine now.

yesterday was a blast and no, i have not been medicated. after clothes shopping without guilt (but now looking back there will be some financial remorse) i also purchased several pairs of eyeglasses and ordered radically colored furniture.

something is up, or wrong, or right, or could be blamed on an elevated mood. i hope to be in this same state of try-anything happiness after picking up the eyewear and finding myself stuck with a tiny pair of polished blue scandium frames. the green yohji yamamoto japanese pair crafted in zylonite should be fine.


ernesto "che" guevara metalwork monument-
plaza de la revolucion (revolution square), havana

later in the evening, a physician i met back in havana vieja (who lives less than five miles away from my home in santa barbara) took me to the m83 show at the avalon in hollywood. the band's pondering electro setlist was comfortable (i own their compact discs) so it was only odd to loosen up in an airless venue next to someone who will remain unfamiliar for a little while longer. afterwards, we sat at an overpriced cafe next to people who couldn't justify their coolness and, i don't know, seemed like the two of us detailed our life history and exchanged resumes or something. we made fun of the lackluster cuban foods we'd seen while on vacation (black beans! rice! plantains!) and he teased me how "that's so fargo the way you say minnesota!" well, yeah, it's true.

he works as a primary care sports medicine practitioner, has made-for-television good looks and a common american first name, but i still need a business lawyer in my back pocket.

...spending all of this time neatly compartmentalizing anxiety yet simultaneously seeking out the next stratospheric form of it...

dear generalized anxiety disorder or social phobia or whatever you still think you are:

just two or three weeks ago when i was traveling alone in mexico, an afternoon was spent walking along a beach in cancun with a stranger who was, oddly enough, carrying a snowboard around under that perfect yucatan sky. as an employee of air canada, this person is allowed amazing travel perks through his position as a flight purser. he had been traveling home to toronto, but endured a layover in cancun after spending a snowy weekend in south america.

his job brings him to los angeles this week, and though i would rather do something involving a bit more natural light, it appears we will attend the fiery furnaces show at the troubadour. afterwards, a cafe or other type of uncomfortable place is required since we have decided to spend a weekend heli-snowboarding in santiago before the season ends and we need to secure the airline tickets and other transportation arrangements to get to valle nevado in chile.

how do i know if i am susceptible to altitude sickness? exertion aggravates the symptoms of ams. the question is, how does one travel high in the andes mountains, quickly acclimatize, and ski in the same weekend? then again, the symptoms of altitude sickness (insomnia, fatigue, headache, nausea, vomiting, and pulmonary edema) are noted in my DAILY LIFE. perhaps i will not even notice?

nothing else,
tristan

the lady from cnn is on my back again.
almost two years ago, she offered me a job
- a job that people would die for.
i said: ummmm, maybe.
she said: meet me at a certain date and time.
she also said: you are exactly what i am looking for.

1) she didn't know much about me
2) but thought i was perfect.
3) i could then only disappoint
4) and i don't go for that.

short story long: i didn't bother to meet up with her that morning. inferiority blamed it on lack of experience and shyness but later in the day (with the realization of what my illness was costing me) i nearly killed everyone in the city. had i been able to walk in the door to see her, my personality would have turned on and that low to mid six-figure job would have been mine. later in that year she wanted to touch base with me again, offering a larger package with a much more flexible work schedule, but i declined and explained exactly what the problem was. she said she'd be in touch and i tried to believe that didn't mean i was written off.

story of my life: someday, just not today.

now she's back but i don't wonder why, what she wants, how much more it pays, or if. it's not going to be an if, is it? i hope not because i've already decided that my answer is yes. sweep her floors if she wants me to- no question. the only obsession is when did this change? when did the esteem inflate and the absolute yes i can do this take over?

dear resident doctor #4:

when i wear a rib-revealing v-neck shirt it does not mean that the eating disorder needs immediate attention or that this body should be offered breakfast. since a v-neck shirt is not an example of a current trend, the warm weather may be to blame.

your tentative flirtation with the subject of weight restoration this morning is rattling my day. i have to throw up now. that half a bagel idea of yours, or maybe just my interpretation that it was to be flaxseed and ingested, is clearly disrupting the peace.

in a soon to be vomit-spotted shirt,
tristan

500 things.
each one better than expected.
where to begin?

flying above the rainy airport runways

have i fallen from the face of the earth? already?
no, i had a there and back [los angeles - london - los angeles] weekend.

consider: your mother actually knows your address?

for the first time in many years, she has my southern california residential addresses, e-mail addresses, and telephone numbers.

e-mail from motherfigure:
"i have nine days off in early october so i will come out and see you."

what!?
the shock is finally beginning to fade.
this visit cannot happen but i don't even know where to begin in explaining why.

come out AND see you was written rather than the phrase TO see you. i keep focusing on the incorrect word and its different meaning rather than considering the future stress. motherfigure means she will travel to california TO see and stay with me, not to vacation in my area AND visit once or twice during the trip.

- just had three weeks off.
- cannot drop another week or two of responsibility on a whim.
- important not to disrupt my appointments with resident doctor #4.

...which is just putting it nicely.

- motherfigure wasn't invited, that's why!
- ha! is she staying at a hotel and renting a car?
- "no, i'm not eating this week even to make you feel better."
- for the most part, i still drive THAT old car which will bug her.
- who do i live with? this blog isn't even privy to that information.

she somewhat tolerates the eating disorder and i could always rent a different car but there is something so financially arrogant about making 40 times more than her this year and pointedly stating that there is nothing wrong with, thus no reason to update that six year old vehicle.

having not asked for this visit, i think it amounts to work.

this sounds mean. i would be more than happy to visit with her in another location but what this comes down to is: my life is a secret, dammit, and even small waves of interference tend to direct levels of trouble. anxiety subsequently screws with food and health- right now this sheltering of mine is beneficial. privacy is going to play out as sneaky should motherfigure visit here and discover what she does not know.

whether it is considered shyness or avoidance, i don't want someone to critique my furniture or squint at the photographs hung on the wall. "who is that," she will ask, demanding an answer. i would have to offer the story behind the snapshot. no one needs to be in a position to suggest that my designer bedding was an unnecessary expense, that certain faded bath towels should be replaced soon, or possibly propose that the extremes are in fact very odd. "you know what you really should do is--" i don't need to hear those words come out of the mouth of someone who lives an entirely different lifestyle. my life and its interesting collection of tangible things is exactly the way it needs to be right now or it would change.

in relationship to self discovery, this trip in which i have just returned (cuba via cancun, snorkeling off caye caulker in belize, and scuba diving off of roatan- the bay islands of honduras), was the best experience yet. many, many thoughts have been challenged and rendered as invalid. rather than turning off old and queasy memories, i forced myself to think them through, and this simple but frightening action has not only defined, but bundled together the majority of the erratic or disturbing behavior which is damaging my health.


raindrops on leaves- caye caulker, belize

now then, in regard to the scenery, culture, foreign allowance of bumbling about, and all steamy jungle exploration- been there, done that. whatever i missed doesn't much matter for now. world-weary but proactive, getting along with myself in dilapidated backpacker accommodations felt like such a task. wtf was i doing sharing cold water facilities in weather-worn beach houses most of the time (US$10/night) yet decidedly paying through the nose at the jw marriott resort and spa for nights required to be in cancun? consider the excess of receiving an upgrade to a 1400 square foot oceanfront suite-- might it make sense that in the course of three weeks, the only notably negative eating disorder behavior experienced took place in that luxurious marble bathroom? so much was going on upstairs that my legendary elitist "i'm an independent traveler, not one of you confused tourists" attitude welcomed and actually enjoyed those lackadaisical pre/post cuba nights spent in "tourist hell."


weathered, but perfect beach house rental-
caye caulker, belize
[$10/night, fan, shared facilities, private pier.]

the parents are upset and while this is no stretch or surprise, chronic consternation prevails. they were not informed of my trip until after the nine days in cuba were completed and i had safely returned to mexico. they basically went crazy upon hearing their daughter had planted herself in a rental car, circled a communist island for over a week, and had been renting casa particular rooms in (gasp!) actual cuban homes. how can they offer and then stand by their opinion that i unnecessarily put myself in a dangerous situation when they have been insufficiently educated on cuba's current state of affairs? as an american citizen, the cubans, diabolical communists as they are, were definitely out to kill me and it is with a great sigh of relief, their e-mail said last week, that they now know i am on good solid ground. mexico is good solid ground?! my parents are a fine source for frustrating entertainment.


brown license plate indicates this volkswagen as a rental car-
parked in the vedado district of havana, cuba

i would like to continue with this entry, but currently the eating disorder relating to a surprising selective mutism experience with resident doctor #4 this morning is giving me a lot of grief. how odd! after all of this time, with so much to talk about, i had expected to possibly hug him. instead of skipping into his office and letting on that i was 1000% better than ever, i just gazed out his window toward westwood boulevard all morning, only whispering once- a nervous sentence about boredom and photographing too many cows.


villa mirtha, casa particular (private room for rent)-
pinar del rio, vinales valley, cuba
[$10/night, air conditioning and private bath.]

might resident doctor #4, an analyst, consider 1000% better to mean i don't need you so much? it is important to first contemplate the meaning behind all words before speaking them, as it will not be my intention to state anything more.

classic american car parked in the rain- vinales valley, cuba

advice for american travelers- the rough guide to cuba

[back home in los angeles]
without either a specific or general license from the u.s. treasury department’s office of foreign assets control (ofac) any u.s. citizen traveling to cuba stands in violation of the embargo under the trading with the enemy act.

add that one to my list of secret crimes:
1) underage drinking while at university.
2) speeding and successfully out-running the pursuing cop.
3) violating the embargo under the trading with the enemy act.

[cancun, mexico]
okay, off to [prohibited destination] i go...

[cancun, mexico]
i went to bed regretting the previous entries but with the business center in the hotel closed for the night, all that could be done was dissect the reasons why i am so uncomfortable outside if alone. i decided not to be embarrassed of my erratic limitations. now then, i will allow myself to be embarrassed of a stagnant future.

-- and i remembered the problems once had with a stalker. everything isolating and somewhat off (anorexia, depression, anxiety, and the ocd needed to keep them all in check) directly relate to that insecure time in my life.

i couldn´t stop thinking about that man. considered not thinking about it... didn´t want to ruin this trip by becoming frightened or introverted with thoughts that a person wanted to harm me... but remembering that year seemed to change my attitude over night. that time is over now. i don´t need to block every person off from my life as not all, and chances are that no one i will ever meet, will have those same violent intentions.

stunning cerulean beach- hotel zone, cancun, mexico

[cancun, mexico]
i had a few conversations and wasn´t near nervous enough to just wish those strangers dead in advance, even though a canadian tourist carrying a snowboard in 90´F beachy cancun asked me if--

i´ll shut up and mention that half of the heart attack is gone.

this sucks- the connection and relationship crap...
having none, then acquiring some and now knowing what it feels like.
here comes a new loneliness and the unwrapping of tidy things.
i guess the cure is to keep connectivity going.

e-mail, all of it.
read and reply daily.
give out the phone number, actually answer it.
talk about unimportant things.

fine.
i will do this.
all of it.

i called the prosperous professor last week.
that worked... but then he called back five other times.
FIVE!
no, i found myself enjoying it.
he is a decent person.
talked to him- wasn´t bad.


beach strip as seen from the hotel veranda- cancun, mexico

part of the problem of isolation is that i have no little topics.
note: myanmar, anorexia nervosa...
note: my topics are all *way* out there.
consider: fear that i appear to be bragging?
consider: fear of appearing affluent?
consider: setting myself up to be robbed or raped?
consider: thinness as weakness rather than feat of endurance?

all of the people, no more fear.
minor butterflies.
just one pang of discomfort.

then there is the topic of food.
[good lord]
talk to people AND eat.
[sigh]
what to say? what to choose?
by the end of this trip, i need to be able to do a little of both.

surprise myself, that i´ll do.
i may even want this.

trident sugar free gum, horrible trekking sandals- cancun, mexico

[zona hotelera, cancun, mexico]
- i hate being stuck overnight in frikkin´ mexico.
- essential cuban tourist card and flight coupons arrive tomorrow.
- cancun is a popular gateway city for flights to [prohibited destination].
- do you think using "prohibited destination" is necessary?
- what about internet history?
- what about ten years from now?

- will the ofac assess a $7500 civil fine for my traveling to cuba?
note: ofac = office of foreign assets control
note: this blog could easily give me away.
- will i care? do i care?
- yes, no.
note: this stopover before flying to havana was unavoidable.

my intrepid personality should be on.
i'm not on.
i'm only mad at the world and want to go home.
why? no reason other than fear. this is uncomfortable.
oh my god, what am i doing here alone?
i'm scared of everything even though nothing is happening.

how introverted and uncomfortable am i right now?
- spent an hour photographing a pack of trident sugar free gum.
- didn´t bother to leave the resort property today.

resort = not a bed and breakfast, backpacker guest house, or hostel
resort = isolated hotel-type setting
resort = overpriced room service, spa treatments, and excess
resort = several public areas under major amounts of construction
resort renovation = super cheap promotional rate
note: cheap only compared to a four star rack rate, not a budget hotel.


view from the guest room balcony- cancun, mexico

- bought water at an airport newsstand in newark yesterday
- watched the statue of liberty fade out of view from airplane window a
- worried about finding airport transportation to cancun's hotel zone
- sat in front of an anderson cooper katrina rebroadcast on cnn tonight
- after reading the room service menu and local newspaper
- while crumbling effervescent ginseng tablets into the luxurious bathtub
- which was in a huge bathroom with a separate shower
- and photographed the view from this cheap room´s balcony.

cleared for pushback- continental airlines, los angeles international airport

it is here i depart and this blog slowly oozes out of real time.

food issues, connectivity, and the current episodes of selective mutism should shadow the extroversion that will be needed to leave agoraphobia in this room today. in a way, agoraphobia is the biggest deal. no matter the potential for maladaptive eating behaviors to improve, and with this organ starved body, feeding can never be anything but partially disordered. since this extremely visible out of whack anorexia will essentially continue to be normal in one way or another, nothing states sickness like the inability to go outside.

sometime this afternoon, after successfully shopping in twelve or more stores, questioning the need for this next insanity tour will begin. i will declare that shopping without pricing obsessions, being free enough now to use a credit card at the gas pump, spontaneously deciding on expensive camera equipment without excessive research, and managing the walmart hell for a stock pile of the finicky cat's favorite food means there is no need for this forced trip discomfort.

i say... but a new art store is listed somewhere on the paper note of places to go. so what? i don't need to deal with it and can stay home. i can go without these tangible items and never truly ever need anything from anywhere. the intention is to purchase an assortment of art supplies and a telescoping storage tube, perfect enough to fit into or strap onto my jungle luggage, for a few lazy watercolor vacation days.

it can wait. i don't know where the parking lot at the art store is located or if there even is one. is it in a section of the city which only allows for street parking? on busy santa monica boulevard? do i want to drive all of that way if there stands a chance of shyness where the car will just pass by and not find itself stopped until hours later in front of the gate to my driveway? if i were to actually park the car and enter the art store, i don't know where any of the products are in that place! i don't want to feel like a shoplifter or a bumbling fool in my own country when in fact, i'll just be blind, alone, nervous, scared, dizzy and maybe suddenly really annoyed if one has to locate and then ask an illiterate clerk to unlock the paint section for a $8 item.

this could have been managed online last week, but back then it wasn't known i'd have pushed the button. [prohibited destination]!? i'm not a canadian tourist on a simple-minded package tour to varadero (a beach city known for its all inclusive resorts), so how is this upcoming trip even going to happen?

ah, spontaneity.
see, another thing cured.

[thunk]
[thunk]
[thunk]

so i'll go to the art store, dammit, and then drive everywhere else and tell people to shut up a lot but only under my breath. oh god, the art store cashier is apt to be a dumpy and ocd-promoting wrinkled hag in a smock. the large individual sheets of cold press watercolor paper which can be purchased at art supply stores never have printed price tags affixed- she'll have to call someone for a price check and we will both linger at the register doing what, exactly?

[thunk]
[thunk]

maybe invalid friend wants to come over and go to the mall for me. he could also pick up my newest pair of photochromic eyeglasses and possibly locate the smallest, fastest, digital "pocket sized" camera while i wait in the car. to the wendy's drive thru on the way back, invalid friend could scream across me into the speaker, i'd pay, he'd slurp chili and in the end we would both get something out of today. sound good?

hmmm... hmmm...

there are 393920298261534 things to do before boarding this evening's departing flight and it is almost noon. i have yet to decide the rules of restriction in relationship to this trip, don't have a damn thing done (laundry), and have no hotel reservations secured because this (so i've read here) forces competence.

an unexpected last minute phone call from resident doctor #4:
"restoring your weight..."
i thought we were on vacation?