the homework assignment (1) was something about happiness (2) except eye only remember joy division (3) en route through the sepulveda hills (4) and not blurry plans for goals yet to be determined (5). [something about behavior (6), sleep (7), and godhopping from anorexia to heroin (8) and, haha, glad to be back (9).] eye almost brought up the big Q (10) but at 19 carbs (11), no way, eye only inhale its cap at night.
later when music approached (12), repetitious shrugs (13) asked him to flip through his catalogue (14) without the word
intensity (15) since the world had been vivid at 5000rpm (16), that is, until it was pointedly obvious who eye was (17) and where myflagrant lifebox was going (18).
next time (19), since it's up to twice a windowless week now (20), five deaf years (21) should confess the inability to consistently acknowledge sound (22).
__________
1) from monday's appointment with resident doctor #4.
2) six meetings and he has yet to be given a gram of happiness from which to expand on and it appears to be driving him nuts. there is (supposedly) easy homework, but i felt seriously detached from the appointment and barely remember being there, let alone what to note for him over the next few days...
any instances of happiness or pleasure. [that is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard and smells of violation: a lighthearted playfulness or recess. "blogger finally let me log on today, oh, the pleasure." bah.] so far, anything superfluous since yesterday has been used for personal competition or fasting distraction.
3) on siri- sirius satellite radio.
4) to the clinic at ucla.
5) he related a tentative treatment plan but i was in outer space.
6) change my behavior = all he has to do is ask. yes, there was that much faith but since catastrophizing i am wavering on whether to bother. "there isn't enough time before he leaves so what's the point" has initiated my retraction and it has only been a week.
7) severe insomnia = donates an extra week per month.
8) hey, i never said there was any sunshine in my life.
9) moping, sulking, water fasting, it's good to be home.
10) nyQuil liquid solution for plastic dreams.
11) holy christ.
12) "what music do you listen to," he asked.
13) "i don't know. nothing," i replied.
14) he was initially nervous around the blocks of silence and a few abused or recycled phrases can pop up.
15) talking with him on the phone last friday, he used the word "intense" 22 times and this was after he spoke the word 16 times in the office that day!
16) what happened? i had been wide awake, singing, and speeding en route.
17) three people gave me the surprise double-take
holy anorexia blessing.
18) gack! clearly a role as a patient rather than a physician.
19) friday.
20) two hour sessions, twice per week, in an artificially lit closet.
21) can we continue to laugh it off as a perilous experiment in shyness?
22) fake became real, or at least real good.
