flagrant

[wasteland, los angeles]
the extra days spent in europe seemed pointless for any personal development. too many mind numbing 11 hour train rides combined with extended anorexia ignited a familiar anxiety. last year i would have pushed myself to towards unsafe foods or a conversation, but this trip perfected nothing but paranoia.

unfortunately, no one even took the initiative to steal my car from lot b at lax international airport. shucks. always flirting with a new car purchase, but having the decision forced would have fit into the parameters of ocd. need, not want.


gate E9, terminal 2- munich, germany

two airlines, two mileage savvy connections:
[munich (muc)- amsterdam (ams)- detroit (dtw)- los angeles (lax)]

how odd! the omnipresent and therefore predicted tsa ssss designation did not appear on any of my boarding passes today. this ssss code (which denotes the passenger is subject to additional security screening) appears often enough that i was beginning to wonder if my travel habits were odd enough to be flagged.

now why would i be rated for risk? it isn't odd for a young american female to travel alone to myanmar, is it? not in my crowd. it was essential, as it facilitated much more growth than imagined-- much more than health and esteem.

since wonderland needed to be kept just out of reach, the fates chose to compensate for the easy screening processes by overlooking my platinum elite upgrade between detroit and los angeles. i neither carried questionable souvenirs nor iffy food products home with me, so the lack of ssss seemed to be a bit of a waste, but it's alright. when introverted, i never mind 'hiding' in the back if seated next to a window. occasionally, i prefer to miss out on the personal attention given out up in first.


leaving germany- klm flight #1792 munich to amsterdam

early morning near the hauptbahnhof- munich, germany

[back in munich, germany]
"at least it´s not cold," i had written.
what am i stoned? too cold to think?

it's -10'C / 14'F today.

[munich to budapest, hungary by rail and back to salzburg] [photo]
once upon a time, i spent 24 hours on a train just for the pleasure of walking around in budapest. still in nervous nelly panic mode, big surprise, i didn't wander far enough from the station to even run into a tacky gift bag of paprika. in sight were crowds of foreigners exchanging euros for forinths, and hungarian souvenir shops selling battered books or 'long teli' salami. mobs of travelers stood around with bent triangles of pizza. after too much internal conflict, i bought a bottle of coca cola light, a litre of drinking water, and decided at least to dissect a bit of tomato off of a slice of pizza. even though the counter clerk thought nothing of double wrapping for the train, the intention didn't really work out.


grid connected windmills in kulcs, near the hungarian austrian border

train compartment:
- shut door
- slide drapes closed for privacy
- switch heater to highest setting
- sit down
- lock compartment door from potential interruption
- lever is broken, use foot instead
- uncrinkle plastic bag
- touch vegetable topping with index finger
[criminal!]
[panic!]
- squash and stash crime into metal trash receptacle

happy to be off of the diet coke requirement, an hour into the purchase, i forced its withdrawal. what is this bottled chemical? decoration? supervenient entertainment? or, god forbid, gratuitous filler? when diet soda summoned the disconnection, i felt embarrassed and fraudulent, such as a lazy proanorexic who would ingest a bucket of food as long as it listed zero calories.

rule #21:
nothing + nothing = something, but anorexia nervosa insists on none


keleti train station- budapest, hungary

savory, but note any ingested mineral would have metallic trail. a tomato skin should never rank high enough to remember, but it will reverberate until i die that after a week of german tap water, the dumb joke wouldn't die: hungary equaled food.

snowy walk to the roach motel- schützenstraße, munich, germany

[easyinternetcafe.com, downtown munich]
slept off anxiety and am ready to go... somewhere. [budapest, for an eight hour train journey and to catch a few hours of tourism, before boarding the overnight service to carry me back to munich.] six hours in hungary? so what? no point in wasting the eurail pass.

[munich to zagreb, croatia]
when compared to previous adventures, this does not feel like a successful trip and only due to copious amounts of unfounded anxiety. the experience of borderline panic should have died down by now.

ordinarily on these trips, i feel so far away from myself and am at ease that the subsequent travel and processes are simple. a schedule functions as a structure-- right up my alley. my travel habits are never a problem, but this time i am somewhat shocked at the way i feel. it isn't as though i am out of my element. i have visited zagreb before, didn't bother to pack a map or guidebook of croatia, and remember the train and bus schedules-- or at least know where to find updates.

regardless, something undetermined is jabbing under the surface. a chronic doom seems to be telling me to scurry back to the safety of germany as fast as possible. this is disappointing because panic has already influenced my hyperschedule and is now tempting me to isolate myself in a room at a munich roach motel for the rest of this trip.


photo from the train- north of ljubljana, slovenia

when travel plans cannot unfold for conflicting reasons outside of my own ability, it seems like the end of the world. right now, i am supposed to be wasting time in order to save thousands upon thousands of dollars on airfare. whatever it is i fill this time with is not wrong. the depression is rooted in how i am wasting time while wasting time. i need to waste time, but in the future, be able to present a valuable experience stemming from this vacation.

six european destinations were considered, none of them sit on the same side of the map, and it is impossible to travel to more than two of these cities by train. an hour long flight to either dubrovnik or belgrade (to continue to kosovo) each cost over $800. that's out. had i booked in advance, the airfares price out well under $100. oh! that's would have been tolerated. i have accrued over one million frequent flyer miles, but have no intention of impulsively overspending them on a flight no matter how obsessed with the destination. it matters-- it doesn't matter. neither the northwest/klm airline partnership nor any united airlines codeshares maintain schedules to anywhere i intend-- but can i get a little mental leeway? no. what a waste. considering "waste" is the point, who cares? i care.

suddenly it rains. the effects of aerobic exercise on cognitive capabilities are clear, so how can indecision possibly be my problem? where do i go? what am i supposed to be doing? double checking, triple checking, list making, and i still do not know the right answer. do i not travel enough or is this an issue of protein synthesis? traveling was to the point that i stopped making a schedule before i left home because it inhibited my freedom. this trip (or at least today) i need an itinerary detailed down to the minute, plus an adderall prescription, but have nothing except an open schedule and thirty mental blocks. tell me where to go-- but don't. i don't want to recycle your experience. how is that meaningful to me? i only want to engage in competitive travel this week-- for free.

[eyesight, typing, and brain problems...]

typical black and white thinking, i only ever want all or none and can never live contently with some. flying or trying to travel overland to several destinations on one weekend trip and arriving back to munich in time for my monday flight home is not possible-- so screw it. screw it all. catastrophizing consolation prize: another required visit to europe will occur sooner rather than later and montenegro or kosovo can be seen by incorporating a discounted flight to dubrovnik rather than all of this overland nonsense. [sigh.] at least it´s not cold.


trg jelacica square- zagreb, croatia

sucks: two whole days of freedom and i am nowhere new.
zagreb: gateway to one of my favorite places-- sarajevo.
sarajevo: six hour wait and then nine hours on a bus. [no thanks]

the dollar isn't going very far with the current exchange rate, but i am trying. one bottle of caffeinated entertainment this morning cost a fizzy $4.00... struggled to remember if i had accidentally flown to oslo or if the cashier was practicing scandinavian math. a budget single room in munich involves a squeaky walk-up and filthy shared facilities for 60 euros a night ($79.28), but certainly if i am going to go back and sulk in germany, i need a bathtub and satellite television. i flew to europe for work on an inexpensive ticket and spending more money on anything superfluous like hotel conveniences while waiting for the return flight does not compute. it doesn't matter if i was paid a tidy fortune and am pocketing the business class airfare.. that's not the point.


alpine chalet ski accommodations- near st. polten, austria

after the day trip to amsterdam, i flew to bavaria and ended up sitting next to a professor from a university that i attended back in the dark ages. [hmm... hmm... hmmm... cue the adrenals! convert that glycogen! dampen those pain sensations!] the professor was just in los angeles two weeks ago for a seminar and "was very bemused by the social scene at the third street promenade in santa monica." where do i live? [oh crap, that required more than a nod... and an explaination that the promanade is a tourist destination.] what do i do? [recently learned to be indifferent to this question.] do i snowboard? [once or twice, unless you count sand.] he [married with three children back in the u.s.] tried to convince me to go skiing with him just south of munich [where he rents an apartment in a castle way up in the alps]. how weird. how weird to have to tell people that one lives in a castle. murdered, mugged, slashed and grabbed...? nah, never happen and never that lucky. it was probably a raging success, having smashed through my privacy and people issues, but i still feel very ill at ease right now.

okay then, even though le meridien hotel is calling (invalid friend's favorite in munich), i may return to bavaria and rot in a cheap room across from the hauptbahnhof.

in munich i couldn't smell the 1997 oranges
yet i thought about them.
smaller yet stronger now...
would have once seemed impossible.

ernst voss: night watch rembrandt recreation project
schiphol airport, amsterdam

[jordaan, amsterdam, netherlands- day trip from berlin]
now: nothing illicit has happened yet aside from being depressed and introverted- am feeling out of place and fogged out of my brain.

later: klm flight to munich, no hotel reservation, stressed out, et cetera...

[bleibtreu hotel, near kurfurstendamm (kudamm)- berlin, germany]
when accompanied: wish people would get the hell away from me.
when alone: this must be a questionable loneliness.

[flights: los angeles - detroit - amsterdam - berlin]

in an attempt to ease the worries of how to frugally kill time next week, i stopped off at sta travel in westwood and bought a 5-day european east pass to bring along. (the railpass offers unlimited travel by train in poland, czech republic, slovakia, hungary, and austria). now that it is packed and paid for, i don't necessarily want to linger in any of the destination countries it covers.

buda and prosaic pest?
back to krakow?
nickel noodle soup again at the frigid sir toby's hostel in prague?
south to the balkans?
actually, i'm thinking kosovo.

tschuss! ich fliege nach deutschland.

rather than waiting for invalid friend to lumber out to the car for his ride home, i went inside the shopping mall which is near his office. it was uncomfortable, being inside, but after a quarter of a lap i met up with him and had nothing to worry about as the dysphoria was replaced by teenaged insanity.

a small group of high school kids noticed me and rather than turning around in disgust or deciding to poke fun at my ridiculous shoes, immediately brightened and then audibly noted a product i represent. why didn't i die or cringe or something? it was too surreal. invalid friend and i looked at each other and agreed that those people must watch a furious amount of television to have made the connection.

the prior twenty four hours included a few spent on downpour trail riding and one intense knuckle session but not a drop to drink. we stood in front of a kiosk counter looking at pecan mountain cinnamon rolls, just wondering where the urges went. while waiting for our turn at retrieving cokes and water, the cashier looked up at me and said, "oh, the [product] girl!"

it may be a good thing i don't have television reception.

an envelope regarding this never ending disability insurance review process has just been retrieved from the mail slot. it's here-- oh my god -- and strangely enough the contents appears to contain a decision.

yes. this is a reply from the decision review board. when pressing on the envelope one can clearly make out the words:

"...if you should disagree with this decision..."

[panic]

this letter was sent from the main office, not the local branch. this doesn't make any sense because a clerk at a satellite office just acknowledged receiving my medical records from the ucla anxiety disorders clinic on monday. today is friday. oh my god. have i just been denied this huge claim by default?

reviewer said: "well, we have ONLY received her intake records."
reviewer said: "...and nothing relevant to the medication assessment."

consider how the initial intake records supplied were relevant to setting up the medication assessment at ucla. they state i am a walking/talking loon and that it is no secret my anxiety continues to regulate and interfere with DAILY LIFE. isn't that enough?

how is it i am receiving this letter today? how can it possibly contain a decision? even if the medical records accepted on monday proved sufficient for the claim, how is an establishment *this* productive? how could i receive such a timely final answer? oh, and to justify this panic attack, i received two more forms to be completed and returned by a third party in the mail only yesterday.

but.. but.. oh no, i can see the word decision.

[thunk]
[thunk]
[thunk]

brain says: "open the damn envelope!"
flagrant says: "something on the cover sheet is stamped in red ink."
fear says: "red ink is notoriously bad in a variety of ways."

anxiety says: "i don't know. a manila envelope. it's kind of thick."


oh my god.
oh my god.
it must contain additional paperwork for me to begin the appeal process.
oh my god.

what am i going to do if this claim has been denied? what are the steps taken to appeal their decision? how am i going to pick myself up off of the floor and initiate the process? i can't articulate these health deficits with a lawyer! how much of a fortune does a disability lawyer charge? can i hire a non attorney representative? how much does that cost? oh my god, i think i really am going to pass out.

where can i find assistance in managing these forms?
i feel like i am going to have a heart attack.
all of the wording on the paperwork conflicts with my illness.
what in the [ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh] am i going to do?

oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.

brain says: "there you go. since you've decided it's the inevitable end of the world, there is no reason to postpone opening the envelope."

no kidding-- why feel bad in advance of confirming the facts?
can panic soar any higher? no.

pressing again on the envelope reveals the words:

"we recently reviewed the evidence in your disability insurance claim..."

[sigh]

"and find that your disability is continuing."

>> what does burmese balachaung taste like?

balachaung is a hot and sour seafood or shrimp relish made with a ton of garlic and onions. it can be either oily or dry, or made with prawns or fish. balachaung is traditionally served with rice and is also used as both a condiment and sandwich filling. here is a link to an asian food glossary page from the encyclopedia of asian food.

a chance to stay overnight, resident doctor #4 let me go home.

the perfect excuse, which helped define my battle with an excessive life:

"i am required to fly to europe this weekend."

betel vines? boothee kyaw? banana stems? balachaung?
questionable foreign edibles for sale--
burmese produce market-- bago, myanmar

westwood village street parking and a deluge out there, drenched with humiliation, i have been less wet just out of the shower. eyed his brown shoes the entire time except when handed an after hours business card in case of emergency hospitalization. no idea as to his particular habits of the day or what else resident doctor #4 wore this morning. those quiet shoes, leather and shy, i wouldn't have picked them.

rather than articulating a concern, he actually illustrated the definition of worried, and then referred to the foreign trips i take as [opposite of purge]. scary. what if i let that word abuse me?

never conversed.
not seen, known, or remembered.
the phone only rings for the superhero.
no e-mail, even with a flagrant alias.
no footprints.
nobody, and look: no body!

"the problem with continuing to say and believe the above..."
[he said]
"is that you have and continue to make an incredible mark on the world."
[true, though offensive.]

"burma as a tranquilizer, for chrissake."
[he said]
"your life is very intense."

fact: appointment with resident doctor #4 in a few hours.
note: actually [cough] looking forward to seeing him.

it's bad, potentially the end of the world.

chuck's such a jackass
+ i'm impervious to persuasion
= bad combination

i can never trust enough to talk with people.

how is one to define hospital caliber depression?
seizure eliminated suicide, now rank is unclear.

the home, the three in the morning, the yelling at me because the disability feeds the all or nothing and other people are pissed off that none doesn't mean ample-- these are the times i can do without.

what's this? am i wearing a crusty pullover? it appears so. my nostril is raw on the right side but at least it's not a daily occurrence anymore. remember? in a billion pieces and crying all of the time, no, that couldn't have ever been me. no, just wave it off.

what do you do at this part, when depressed as ever but 89% certain that suicide is not a possibility? why does getting better or coming to grips with an understanding mean now enduring devastating depression amid grim walls without the hint of an exit sign? my potential conclusion as a sedative may have been disturbed but it had functioned as hope.

better is worse- there is no immediate calming effect.

a foreign newspaper relates that my friend's body has been identified this week in thailand. he had been swept away by the tsunami while vacationing on phuket with his wife and son.

wonky eyes.
wonked out blog.
[how embarrassing]
must practice looking at far away things.

it happened.
oh my god, today was the day.
it might have taken three years, but... finally, and it was rough.

he said: "but you can just go. not me. i'm stuck here. you have all of the money and you've set yourself up just fine. now i have to do whatever you decide i do, or i'm screwed."

someone stole my doormat and while the violation is annoying, it is starting to irk me that whoever did it hadn't the balls to swipe my property while i was home. all of 99 cents, i don't necessarily care about anything other than nerve. holding coir fiber in my hands, i would knock on the door and tell you that i am taking your mat.

then [since nobody can follow my schedule this month it seems logical that] i found drugs stashed inside [his] gloves at the bottom of the laundry bag. strange feeling [it is] to live with an anxiety disorder that can blow any hint of frown out of proportion but yet write off the biggest deal without even a shrug.

i knocked resident doctor #4's socks off with the phenomenal spikes.

"you will remember me forever.
i'm going to be your greatest encounter."

the superhero under glass needed to shake hands.

fact: people suck.
consider: sucking back?
note: but not sucking back SERIOUSLY feeds the ego.

your appointment was last wednesday-- she said, or something like it but i was about to fly across the desk and give the secretary a lumpy or legitimate reason to be stupid for the rest of her life. i tried not to register the rest of her statement. really, would i have flown home from paris just to attend an appointment with resident doctor #4 had the appointment card said anything other than february 9th, 2005?

note: i make mistakes but they are always on purpose! an agenda!

speechless, and standing in a very softly appointed waiting room with a schizophrenic color scheme, i turned from the desk and gave chuck the look. he returned from waiting room magazine reading to stand by my side at the counter of reception. good dog.

"my appointment was last wednesday," i said flatly. chuck hit the roof for me, explained how he was standing at that very desk when the date and time was originally arranged, and that it was impossible for me to be wrong as today has not only disrupted the lives of several people but it was solely responsible for rescheduling the filming of a television promo in europe.

the dog-faced secretary with snacks laid out inappropriately on the desk before 9:00am says, "no. i did the paperwork for this appointment. it was for last wednesday. i gave her a blue appointment card." [her? what? was i not standing right there? granted, 85% of the people in that office who she talks to are clinically ubercrazy but no one, even the unfamiliar, dares to phone up anorexia by accusing me of being invisible while wearing clothes.]

"i took the day off of work for this," chuck said. that was my cue. i snapped the appointment card referencing today down on the desk. her handwriting says: wednesday february 9th, 9:00am with resident doctor #4.

"no. your appointment was for last wednesday," she said.

is she kidding? man, there has got to be a television camera following me around.

for pete's sake, why can't people ever admit they are wrong? this is not asia- nobody needs to save face. given that this is los angeles county where 53% of workers are functionally illiterate, one needs not blame their own arrogance when expecting the majority of people in the area to be inept in some form. just because i had been standing on the neurotic side of the desk did not mean that i couldn't see through her power shield.


after a twitchy and agitated wait in that softly appointed room for resident doctor #4 to finish with whoever was in my nine o'clock slot, strangely enough, i used up an hour of his life in a sharp-edged space.

our impromptu appointment was set in a medical conference room. there was a hardwood desk and nothing to look at but a whiteboard, so toes tapped and fingers kept encircling wrists. the "what the heck am i supposed to do with my arms" problem sputtered up but could never catch. it took three rehearsed sentences before he understood that maltodextrin, mannitol, and other excipient ingredients in the medicine he had prescribed were derived from corn. since i would react to them, my prescription was yanked.

[skip ahead]

medicine is futile.
it's therapy i need.
someone with an md and a phd.
[he said]

i could be that person.
[he said]

just the going and doing out of the house in itself would be good.
[do i hear an echo?]
he has an md, a phd, and a slot open on friday mornings.
[how convenient]

how would 8:00am tomorrow work for you?
[he asked]

brain whispers: you have a flight leaving for europe this afternoon!!!
flagrant says: "it, um... that should be fine."

i have to find a way to fill six free days in europe which begin in berlin on the 23rd. on the 28th i fly back to los angeles out of munich. i can't decide between traveling cheaply between eastern european cities by train or splurging on a flight to the coastal city of essaouira. windsurfing in morocco sounds like a much more enjoyable option than gazing out of train windows for a week.

tuesday involved another boring work-related dinner. oddly enough, there was no food to speak of but there were *three* different binders worth of contracts and papers to sign.

i have a doctor appointment on wednesday at the ucla medical center's 'anxiety disorders behavioral program and clinic' with resident doctor #4. this is, the student who was told i was allergic to everything (latex, egg, soy, corn, etc...) but proceeded to write a prescription out for a huge supply of antidepressant medicine containing maltodextrin excipients. happiness, feeling content, or any variation of elevated mood, would have difficulties standing next to a sensitivity, skin irritation, or itchy corn allergy. nah, i doubt i could be too happy or anxiety free if scratching skin to the point of reaching blood.

- tablets contained mannitol and microcrystalline cellulose.
- food additives! corn starch! impending deadly reactions?

consider: 90 pills, 90 instances of allergic negligence? what next? prescriptions for sulfites, tartrazine e105, and fd&c food colorings?

original plan: compile and memorize a list of key phrases, adopt a toothy grin, and then verbally assault this medication decision all of the way back to his medical instructors at the university of chicago. is resident doctor #4 not a business in which he should be learning to implement? it is imperative that i receive a level of attention and care which relates to the looming medical bill.

one day everything died.
+ the orange cat i saw in an alley yesterday morning was stiff.
[computes]

over.
+ done.
[computes]

the only trigger left is to hear that you are doing better than me.

face of bodhisattva lokesvara-
bayon temple, angkor wat- siem reap, cambodia

plan a--- [has since changed]
5th: fly to europe
7th: fly to los angeles
9th: doctor appointment in los angeles + fly back to europe
14th: fly to los angeles
15th: appointment (rep) in los angeles
16th: fly to europe
21th: fly to los angeles, appointment (rep), fly to europe
28th: fly to los angeles

note: it's schizophrenic, but saves thousands of dollars.
note: my body cannot handle that schedule.
note: i am at a loss and do not know what to do.


mahazedi paya astrologer- bago, myanmar

plan b---
- cry.
- throw up three or four water sessions during daylight hours. (sin)
- take drugs. (essential, due to water sessions, thus not a sin)
- evaporate vomity body with a bicycle and forced breathing torture.
- snarl while securing the above airline tickets.
- board flight to paris tomorrow.
- continue on with plan a.

idiots with cameras on camels- western sahara, morocco

rule #92: care much less about posting pathetic photographs.

reaction to corn maltodextrin = trichotillomania
three finger solution = rinsed twice with bleach water
urges + smoothing + spots + hats + gloves + distress
consider: reschedule upcoming plans

wednesday involved another boring work-related dinner.

it's "all good" right now.
why is that?
sunshine? protein bar? bike ride? france?
it couldn't be paris, could it?
today my superstitious sweatshirt hits the trash.

"what do you want to do when you grow up, flagrant?"

i want to fly to south east asia and buy fake rolex watches in bangkok twice a year, take them to morocco, haggle for really expensive antique silk rugs out in the atlas mountains and then get hassled at the u.s. customs and immigration counters when i refuse official math, having pointed out major inconsistencies with taxes or duty determination.

big plan:
figure out how to cancel three different business class airfares (which were booked for me and cost thousands of dollars each), pocket the money or vouchers, and then reserve substantially cheaper flights in economy. my elite status upgrade percentage on northwest airlines for 2004 was 100% on eligible flights, so no problem. should i find myself without an upgrade or opt up to business class, the knowledge that i saved $3000 per trip will cure all attitude.

problem:
no alternative trip itineraries are lining up. yesterday, the three weekend airfares to europe only required saturday night stays, but airfares fluctuate, and now those same dates either cost more, or require an eight day minimum stay. eight days each?! i absolutely refuse to pay for any extra hotel nights at the current exchange rates. no way-- to do so would erase the savings and be financially pointless.

traveling to europe for three weekends in a row-- this is ridiculous. what's worse is the airfares are unusually different from each southern california airport. why does it cost more to fly out of los angeles (lax) this week than it does from the tiny john wayne (sna) airport in orange county? it also appears possible to park in the long-term lot out at the ontario airport (ont) to save $250 on a flight to berlin, but should i really leave my car parked there for a few days? does it matter? using the ontario airport to fly roundtrip to london gatwick is super low, too.

problem: it will be too cold in europe to look nice.
consider: i'm ugly- a red nose is not going to improve the situation.
problem: i am getting overpaid to look nice.
problem: my cold weather shoes scream comfortable. (felony)
problem: shy today. introverted. nervous.
consider: this work should have been spread out over time.

problem:
if charging all of these tickets and huge hotel deposits on the same day, it will raise a security flag and the computer or customer service handling my credit card will temporarily freeze the account. will paying in cash get me a tsa security flag, secondary screening, or "ssss" designation on my boarding passes? the nwa.com website refuses to bring up perfect flight options on any their airline partners. this means a late night trip to the los angeles airport (lax) with chuck, paying for airport parking, having to find and then talk to a ticket agent who will question my multiple segment choices (and try to steer me to 'lower mileage accruing' non-stop options).

can i use the worldperks elite and first class line to buy a ticket at the airport, or is there a different business office for ticketing transactions? it doesn't matter. terminal two at lax is usually deserted after 10:00pm except for the nightly air new zealand non-stop flight to auckland.

somehow, rug related position #1 and #2 in morocco should be handled while i am on that side of the world, but... this proves impossible unless earning skyteam miles on air france out of paris. hmm, landing in marrakech rather than casablanca is an option.

note: if one were to look up casablanca in the thesaurus, one would see the words focused tourism, hassle, intrusive touts, annoyance, french, and expensive. short haul flights merely from france to morocco cost as much as grueling multi-stops from los angeles. forget it.

this is so stupid. i have the money to go, but since the lowest available fare cannot line up with my dates, i have become too stuck to transact.
someone should volunteer to be my travelmate.
ever been to paris?
wanna take a side trip to north africa and barter for textiles?

during the days spent in paris, chuck and i could finagle last minute flights to morocco and waste the extra time. on the promise of sephardic food tasting, or to buy the omnipresent moroccan tagine cone, he could be convinced to tag along (while i secretly use his international baggage allowance on imports).

these cheap airfares are not working out for me. chuck has to work, hates marrakesh, hates riads, hates traditional tagine chickpea and lamb stew, hates that we could only force a layover to include one night in paris, hates air france, and hates traveling to destinations where he must refrain from wearing cargo shorts and adopt a weekend of respectable long pants...

everything MUST be perfect.
the cheapest fare available does not allow travel on my dates.
i MUST use the least expensive alternative.
i might as well stay home.

ever.

i don't want to go to work.

inside anxiety: mexican jumping beans
outside anxiety: normal version of weird

cuxxkntly i qm txying to qxxqngk the flights qnd hotkls fox thxkk wkkkknd txips to kuxopk which will qll tqkk plqck in fkbxuqxy. gkxmqny, fxqnck, qnd knglqnd with q sidk txip to moxocco. somkonk out thkxk should comk with mk.

consider: kmbqxxasskd? yks.

thunk!
thunk!
thunk!

nothing is lining up.
why can't i just stay home?