flagrant disregard

having unwrapped a leftover christmas present, only to find a sparkling cinnamon yankee candle, flagrant ranted "how this was a gift of impending cancer" and also "how she no longer welcomes pollution into her home."

"don't you dare throw that out," obsessive compulsive disorder had suggested.

"mm-hmm, something bad will happen, i'm sure," flagrant rolled her eyes, and refused the ritual, but did appease a portion of ocd's ominous thoughts by setting the 'housewarmer jar candle' near the garbage can instead of disposing the gift in total.

ten minutes later, the lights flickered and electrical power suddenly failed-- the christmas candle was the only light source available in the house.

ocd thrives.

ocd says, "if you refuse to persist and follow through on every ritual that i suggest, bad news relevant to your insurance review will appear in the mailbox."

note: this particular ocd thought has persisted on a daily basis since the insurance review began.

flagrant thinks: this wait for information is dragging out indefinitely. perhaps, receiving 'bad news' may be better than enduring this time of 'no news.' a rejection notice is countered by the appeal process. not that i want my review to be declined, but shouldn't i at least preconsider the proactivity?

[this is the part where flagrant fights off the obsessive thoughts, checks the mail without following through on any preventive touching or tapping rituals (and as ocd laughs loudly and performs its magic) notices the familiar insurance logo on a letter inside of the mailbox. consider: really, how does this happen?]

a form letter stating the review board has found flagrant's disability to be continuing would be sent in a thin envelope, but the envelope stacked amid friday grocery store fliers was a hefty sleeve consisting of a billion forms. the attached letter stated that ucla medical center has refused to release medical information, as the signature they have on file does not match what was inked on recent medical release requests.

"if we do not receive this information within 25 days from the date on this letter we will make a decision on your claim based on the evidence in file."

note: without the medical records from ucla, this insurance claim lacks any medical evidence.

it is here at the spilt second before flagrant sarcastically succumbs to the final grand mal seizure, she snaps out of it all, realizing that after a visit to the medical records office at ucla this afternoon, all will be rectified. the 23 days which remain can be used as an anxiety-free vacation.

thursday involved another boring work-related dinner. [repeat]
grilled cheese night? nancy silverton? campanile?
nah, seems my rep has a thing for letting me watch him eat slick fish.
water grill, blech.

is the insurance review decision going to ever show up in the mailbox? insurance premiums have remained the same so this is coming to the point i may assume the renewal was approved but just lost in the mail. the waiting has gone on so long that insurance-relevant ocd is sort of dying. i am breaking its rules of where/how to step on the walk to the mailbox and actually have been forgetting about the other quirks until reaching the slot.

anxiety disorders or not, this decision is an extremely big deal. it will basically help determine where i take my life over the next few years. i'm tired of waiting and am desperate to either relax or implement plan b.

people living in two separate and nearby condo units are fighting.
note: the ordinarily quiet neighbor is maniacal and threatening to kill the perpetually noisy neighbor.

my opinion: too bad they can't afford to move. suck it up.

when i lived in isla vista, one neighbor threatened to shoot another resident and actually fired his gun in the parking lot to intimidate the landlord. soon after, the gun owner banged on my door and accused me of calling 911. at the time i was living by candlelight, neither having electricity nor phone, and now find myself occasionally dwelling on what would have happened had i not been living a screwed up life.

tuesday involved another boring work-related dinner.

women [in general] = jelly-filled donuts
invalid friend chuck = a raised crumb
flagrant = epitome of liquid nickel

"would you like a bag for that, sir-- i mean, ma'am."
anorexia nervosa is basically desperation in reverse.
what happened to my body?
daily, i'm the flattened-out sir out of the corner of your eye.

consider: teenage boy syndrome

if not for this invisible competition with motherfigure's only son, who knows what i would be doing this week- probably ONLY fretting about the impending health insurance decision and looking for ways to camouflage its subsequent ocd and trichotillomania.

this is going to be good. i secured a food unit, rode the bike this morning during the daylight, and then got really manic... decided to act on another real estate transaction, initiate two publishing projects, take flight lessons, reluctantly agree to travel to overtouristed goa on a digital video project, figure out how to rid myself of 'teenage boy syndrome' but still wear less than a size zero, research customvue lasik surgery, be content, sell both MINI coopers at a $10,000 premium each, agree to illustrate another children's book, see if i can legally sell an old ten-spot of unassigned isbn numbers, try to stop avoiding that producer's calls from cnn, clean up invalid friend's credit report, do his taxes, and then (if i had time today) possibly approach a blogger about a companion book to the aforementioned goa video project.

unfortunately, this is sunday. suddenly, i'm bitchy and the loudmouthed cat is begging me to drive to the hellish store for his favorite food.

e-mail from a college graduate who isn't worth the $10/hour he collects:

1) you could have offered your brother a no-interest loan of $20K to cover his bankruptcy. 2) here's the catch: the loan would be no interest for five years. 3) more than enough time to pay back $20K. 4) after five years, though, the interest would be 8% (or whatever percentage you would be happy with). 5) that way you could help him but also make him responsible for his behavior and actions.
--

1) not that it has been written about or that anyone would know, but motherfigure's only son is admittedly more of an asshole than i am, so why would i do that? i neither have his address nor phone number and did not hear about his bankruptcy plans until after the fact, though the idea had been tossed around earlier in the year.

2) no interest for FIVE years? have you read this blog? do you know what i could do with an initial investment of $20K over that course of time? i don't believe anyone in your low paid, non-authoritive, 1040ez situation understands what is possible.

3) you could not afford to pay back a $20K bank loan spread over five years [in addition to your current situation] and you neither support an acceptable lifestyle nor a child. why assume it would be "more than enough time" for another person? [he is also going through a divorce and will undoubtedly have to pony up cash towards child support and/or alimony.]

4) motherfigure's only son has bad credit and since this is the real world, the Bank of Flagrant only offers 100% secured loans with a predatory 22% APR. please note that all prepayment refunds would be calculated according the the rule of 78's. life isn't an after-school special. people who are on the cusp of bankruptcy due to their own gluttony are flaky and should not receive 8% interest loans.

5) helping my brother would mean to let him struggle and hope that next time around, better decisions would be made. why should anyone, regardless of ability or relationship, award recklessly spendthrift habits? [example: trading-in vehicles for newer models twice a year.] is that right, should people who enforce mature decisions just celebrate the fact that others can become upside-down in an automobile loan at the speed of light? i will never write a check out to a flake who hasn't decided to drive an older fuel efficient car and work an additional full-time job before asking for help.

[i really want to write:]
hurry up insurance review, and be approved!

the fact that i am still waiting for a decision after all of this time is killing me and today there is nothing incredible to deflect mailbox anxiety. i can't walk right [taking the long way], follow the traditional morning bike route [opting for the bombastic and thorny trail], or blog without retyping every sentence [with the thumb of my left hand, just to make it difficult]. there seem to be seven hundred other stupid glitches too, all which need to follow the asinine rules of obsessive compulsive disorder.

[ocd will not allow the above italicized statement unless i counter with this:]
writing "hurry up insurance review, and be approved" is asking for two things but ocd tolerates only one request. if granted the "hurry up" option, the review will be superstitiously denied but if given approval, i should accept that it can take awhile.

[later:]
aaarrrrgggghhhhh!! i only get insurance BILLS in the mail.

note: tomorrow the tenant moves in to the condo i bought.
consider: it feels strange, like the night before graduation.

big plan: supercross [anaheim II] at angel stadium this saturday.
consider: what if i run into motherfigure's only son?

my rep presented me with a new snowboard and a "dual mountain anytime" "season pass" for snow summit and big bear mountains, so i went to check out the situation- somehow avoided making a gigantic fool out of myself, too.

preferring sand 'duneboarding' to snow, nobody knew me and i thought at the very least, these ski resorts should be seen once. dune boarding has the benefit of being a cheap form of skin dermabrasion, and one can be incognito by wearing strappy goggles. unlike rocks and desert grit, ice has yet to destroy any of my gear. the worst part of the entire big bear ordeal? anxiety? hypothermia? being seen? indecision? some. it took hours to decide between whether or not to go surfing or snowboarding because after a few weeks of rain, monday offered a fantastic 80'F day in los angeles.

the drive out to the resorts was dreadful, but i'll [once again] blame it on rear wheel drive and use it as an excuse to [once again] write about possibly selling the old car. the MINI cooper jcw s is still not allowed to touch snow. at my hesitant pace, you'd think i was uninsured, unemployed, and timidly driving an expensive bentley rather than puttering along with my old american monstrosity. [i skydive, dammit, and should be able to maneuver a car up a snowy hill without tattering every nerve, but no!] one movie set caliber car crash, once upon a time, one winter... years later my rollover automobile accident still sticks.

on tuesday i endured a trip with invalid friend to a bike shop to pick up co2 cartridges and a bike lock. endured is a perfect word as there are a few places in the world which really disturb my ocd and the santa monica supergo (now known as "performance bike") is one of them.

very tense.
no browsing allowed.

thirty seconds inside the door, anxiety and ocd urged to leave and i started ragging on chuck to hurry up. there was no reason, having just recently purchased new bicycles, to browse and gawk at the carbon fiber gear or overpriced downhill bikes against the back wall. on impulse i ended up grabbing a jacket without trying it on [which will be returned as it makes me look like an auto mechanic], and other assorted bike crap for invalid friend, but i was panicked and subsequently neglected to remember the other incidentals.

does anyone really need a $70 carbon fiber water bottle cage?
need? want? oh, who cares? pay for it and go.
it's stylish, and that's important for 4:00am rides on city streets.

the return trip will give me a chance to map out the fear and potentially rewire my brain. [[my amygdala has obviously stored a flashbulb memory of the first visit, and stumbled upon it on subsequent visits, but my "rational brain" has yet to make the connection. it may be something as simple as similar weather or store disorganization setting off the alarm.]] consider all of the circles and lines: in a bicycle store, even if all of the odd shaped merchandise was properly placed, the shop would still "not line up." squares, angles, smooth lines, sharp parts, jumbled shelves- though properly arranged and clean, the store is an expensive dizzying disruption. in my father's home, nothing was ever out of place. you can bet my belted ass nothing ever fell short of aligned perfection. perhaps, i just found the nervous connection?



afterward we parked and watched the surfers and kiteboarders at leo carillo state beach but (begrudgingly, due to my rep's prodding) first checked out a guest house for rent in the malibu / palisades area. it supplies several over the top features: the home has two fireplaces and an ocean view. how could i even imagine accepting all of the space and peace, but, then again, i intend to purchase a drum set and this home could certainly support the habit.

liquid nickel: drinking water

oh, forget it.

on saturday i finally broke down and agreed to ingest the first of not enough calories in 2005, burned more numbers in collection than the sin contained (due to conflict of interest), then rode a mountain bike to the land of blood blister and orgasm. twenty steps away from the security of green apple bath foam and lukewarm liquid nickel, the bicycle knocked this uberklutz down. i grabbed for the rail but instead ended up pinned at the bottom of the stairs. stars? well, yeah, it was 5:00am.

all day obsession: why did you automatically try to reach out for the hand rail? what?! were you trying not to hurt? you're making no sense. the object is to hurt fully and not, like you did, try to deflect the pain which was rightfully yours. fall down the stairs properly next time, won't you?

immediate concerns: lanugo is silver, everything is translucent, and teenage boy syndrome arrived fourteen years too late.

do you think i could sue a large bank [citibank] without a lawyer?
what about a small bank [santa barbara bank and trust]?

fortune cookie: don't ignore your needs in the area of new challenges.
definition: insurance review is probably in the mail and has been declined.
consider: i knew someone who got a blank fortune once and then died.

- yay, the bathroom remodeling is finished.
- yay, my tenant seems like an upstanding citizen.
- now i can go back to freaking out about stocks and the insurance review.

while wishing a slurred merry christmas, the russian husband of one of the nosy neighbors just presented me with an ancient, yet still oscillating, desktop fan. it may be a stretch, but seeing as christmas is celebrated in russia on january 7th, today could still be considered the holiday season.

"thank you," i said, slightly mesmerized by his golden santa hat.

what in the hell would someone else do with this piece of crap? how is it that i always get stuck disposing of other people's trash? since the neighbor was drunk, might it have been an accident and he will want the fan returned? might this fan not have been a christmas gift and instead a loaner since the newly remodeled bathroom reeked of paint thinner? i am not knocking on his door to find out but would really like to throw this thing away as soon as possible.

the maintenance men are here and continue to leave the front door open, which i can tolerate, but neighbors walking in and out of my place has got to stop. i have been good- keeping all handyman appointments while not wanting to initially answer the door. no one has been shooed away or given any attitude. had chuck ordered and installed an incorrectly-sized bathtub i may have physically assaulted him but when the plumbers did it the other day, it was just calmly noted with a smile that my hang time would be reimbursed.

[starvation related eye to brain problems: please excuse wonky typing.]

the neighbors are holding a conference about me in another unit and someone needs to tell them i am not that important. neighbor #1 waltzed right inside today without knocking, said she was really thirsty, and wanted me to give her a bottle of water. [does this person not have a faucet?] neighbor #2 walked in to ask if i was a teacher but then saw my work on the computer and said, "oh, you are a typewriter!" [really, do you think i'd make that up and post it here?] later on, both of the neighbors returned to ooh, aah, and supervise the bathroom project. [this is an empty, soon-to-be-rented condominium without a table to sit around or coffee to offer. it's me, a laptop on the floor, cords plugged into the wall, and while not very interesting, it looks like the most excitement those two neighbors have had all month.]

- bathroom painting and tile work continues today.
note: the maintenance guy from tuesday did a good job.
- potential renters are stopping by.
- the disability insurance situation is still processing.
note: important life decisions have been on hold because of this.
- rug related position #1 in morocco is coming up soon.

today motherfigure's only son filed for bankruptcy.
he used to be referred to as my idiot brother
but i won't make that mistake again.

does my family know i recently bought another property?
no, i was waiting for the right time to mention it.
[evil grin]
this might be it.

back in june, the possibility of stacking a bankruptcy on top of his divorce was brought up in conversation, but i waved it off... cattily mentioning that [in his case] filing a bankruptcy petition for a cumulative debt of $20,000 or less was one of the dumbest things i had heard, and while knowing he had no chance, told him anyone could get a second job and make that much by the end of the year.

he said: show me how.
i said: again?

eating disorder aside, is it possible i am a very successful person?
note: that was really hard to type.

on motherfigure's only son's graduation day, i gave him money to purchase numerous shares of one particular stock, and told him to hold them until christmas because they were apt to triple. research showed his gift on that particular week would have purchased 12,500 shares as the stock was selling for spare change. by christmas eve of that year, the stock had not only tripled, but quintupled and was up exactly $2.00 a share. [$2.00 x 12,500 shares = $25,000 profit] he, after requesting the stock for graduation, never even set up a securities account and must have piddled away the money on cigarettes or inferior drive-thru sandwiches. the $25,000 is taxed, obviously, but i consider any loss to be huge.

it gets worse.
christmas eve of this year shows that stock up $9.20 a share.
[$9.20 x 12,500 shares = $115,000 profit]

i am so angry at him that i can barely breathe.
not over the money part- the character issue.
anyone can choose to get more money.

just prior to this bankruptcy, he bought:
- a new full sized dodge ram pickup truck
- laptop computer
- downhill bike
- nikon digital slr camera
"if i'm going to go out, i'm going out big," he said.

who is this jerk?
certainly he isn't related to me?
what about consequence?

and...
how small must one be for the definition of 'big' to fall under $20,000?

anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety

why can't day laborers ever be on time?
why is it that whenever i am late, it is still earlier than whatever was scheduled?
[maintenance people + have yet to arrive = good]
[sigh]
i bet they are already here but cannot figure out how to get in the complex.
[sigh]
why am i so stressed out?
these people are coming over to cut and hang drywall.
it's not like we are going to have a conversation.

the weekend was spent in belize. opting to snorkel the barrier reef off of caye caulker was not only fantastic, but a practical way to avoid the horrific abundance of bugs, mosquitoes, and sand flies found this season.

7:53am
- the plumbers were to arrive at 7:30am.
consider: how many more minutes need to pass before i call and fire them?

7:59am
- arrived in the nick of time... by the skin of their teeth.
- one minute of slack to spare.
consider: or what? i'm going to install a new bathroom by myself in one day?
- the master plumber said they would be out of here by 3:30pm.
note: damn well better be, i have a weekend getaway departing to belize today.

8:10am
- oh no, a visit from unfamiliar nosy neighbor #1.
nosy neighbor #1 says: "big job! are you moving in?"

9:20am
- crash course in spanglish.
- non-stop spanish opera is echoing from the torn apart bathroom.
- paws the loudmouthed cat is angry and sick of being in kitty jail.

9:30am
- oh no, a visit from unfamiliar nosy neighbor #2.

10:45am
e-mail:
friend returned home from phuket, without her missing husband and son.

11:38pm
- several people have called about my apartment rental listing.
consider: should i up the price?

12:02pm
- oh no, a visit from somewhat familiar nosy neighbor #3.
nosy neighbor #3 says: "just looking."

12:24pm
- oh no, a visit from unfamiliar nosy neighbor #4.
- and nosy neighbor #5.
consider: hell, the door's open. c'mon, everyone just walk right in!

consider: how does this work?
consider: strangers see an open door and stick their heads inside and yell "hello?!"

12:39pm
- "tres more hours," says spanglish plumber.
note: which is NINE minutes too long.

1:04pm
note: it's so cold in here.
consider: can i stand in front of the propped open oven or is that too weird?

1:25pm
- the horror of welding soldering and subsequent hallway/foyer fire alarm.
consider: the main fire alarm rings the los angeles fire department, doesn't it?
note: i would die.

2:15pm
fact: oh my god, these workers seem so dense!
consider: is the bathtub the wrong size, or am i just hypnagogic?
fact: master plumber did all of the measurements.
note: i could have done this renovation myself over the course of a week.

2:20pm
- oh no, unfamiliar nosy neighbor #6 needs a plumbing estimate.

3:16pm
- incorrect bathtub has been installed with lots of surrounding space to spare.
consider: a dry moat? anglo-saxon living? glywyssing chic?
note: fxxking idiots.
note: no hell raising necessary.
fact: work will be redone next tuesday with a properly sized bathtub.
note: i told you so, world! nobody can do anything right, ever!

[thunk!]
[thunk!]
[thunk!]

3:30pm
flagrant says: "no, you're not leaving without vacuuming. get back here."

god, this year is taking forever.

rant: powweb hosting service was down for twenty minutes today.

bathroom renovation is scheduled for friday and the fixtures are here but my full throttle nutcase mode has yet to arrive. all of the plumbing related issues and installations are supposed to be done by 3:30pm, though i don't know anyone foolish enough to bet on that promise. two different men are going to come and finish up [drywall, tile, etc...] early next week, divided into two visits. if they turn out to be $15/hour undocumented workers i am looking forward to raising some hell.

how is the plumber going to get the new bathtub into the bathroom?
there is no way. what is he going to do, rip out the wall?

the last time a plumber arranged to come by my place, i spent two days detailing the house. anxiety and nerves went as far as to sand and then stain the front door, comb through the carpet and scissor out every minor dark speck, pull out and clean behind the refrigerator, repaint the main hallway, wash every instance of material in the house to confirm a fresh rather than stale scent, and replace all of the lightbulbs with lower wattage bulbs so imaginary defects were only barely visible.

i am concerned about losing weird obsessiveness- it serves a purpose. i would rather be compulsive and worry about the "what if" aspect of inconsequential matters rather than potentially have something awful happen and then have to, god forbid, think about it for the rest of my life. are other people like that? do people my age still get blushingly embarrassed over something which happened when they were four years old?

today was almost considered bliss. initially, too much time was spent driving in southern california's version of rain, and i had the displeasure of doing it with rear wheel drive out in the 909, but the return was less of a mess. people in ontario drive patchwork cars and have been trained to stop on yellow lights-- clearly it was another world.

jenson usa was having a sale, and invalid friend used the word please, so i hauled his ass out to a warehouse south of the airport where the bank of flagrant paid for his new mountain bike. [the defining moment was that invalid friend was proactive enough to locate the company showroom on a map and call ahead to reserve his desired bike- all without any prodding from me.] it wasn't the santa cruz heckler that he originally wanted so badly, rather it is a much nicer full suspension, carbon fiber monster.

two things:
1) not five minutes from leaving the jenson usa showroom, invalid friend turned to me and said, "i am very, very happy. you can get your porsche now."

note: it's not going to be a porsche, but sure, he's allowed to pay for it.

2) we unloaded the car and brought the new mountain bike upstairs into his kitchen, and invalid friend asked, "do you want to rent a dvd?" i could have killed him. the lightbulb immediately appeared over his head and before i initiated world war three he got the hint to go out for a ride.

- new year's resolutions forced me to spend the majority of the day in bed.
- visited my landlord at work for advice and to chat. [!?]
- hired his choice of plumber and maintenance men.
- went to the expo design center for a towel rack and remodeling ideas.
- ended up ordering an entire bathroom for my new condo from a local store.
- constructed a legitimate rental listing to post on the notice board.
- and then booked flights for a scuba diving vacation to central america.

a musician friend, his son, and wife were vacationing on koh phi phi in thailand over the christmas break, but my friend and his son have still not made contact with anyone. the national newspaper from their country originally had reported that the two were safe at bangkok-phuket hospital, but none of the medical facilities in thailand have any record or indication of admittance. his wife was recently interviewed and said the three were on the beach when the first wave came rushing in and that was the last time she saw her family. i can't stop thinking about how she mentioned the tide strangely pulled back, and people innocently walked out too far only to help save all of the stranded fish.

she isn't officially an ex-wife yet. [blurry photo stolen from her father's website]

hmm, someone from nowheresville has been reading this blog
but the ip address isn't familiar
consider: my brother's trashy ex-wife?