flagrant disregard

motherfigure has been questioning our upcoming vacation through e-mail on a daily basis. my plan is to handle 'her, and the aggravation she presents' differently this time. i sent her web links to research airfares, and suggested effective resources where one can read opinions and traveler's hotel ratings prior to making a reservation. since this is our vacation (and have gone through this enough to know how it goes) i am not going to put in a 40 hour work week to assemble the enjoyable time. motherfigure needs to initiate at least an ounce of effort, which, lucky me, will render her able to only complain about her own decisions.


terracotta warriors-- xi'an, china

after all of the blathering concern over my sars-related trips to south east asia last year, motherfigure has offered that our trip can take us to singapore, or a combination of beijing, shanghai, and xi'an...?! she is also tossing around the possibility of munich, with side trips to prague and krakow, or london combined with low cost, no frills carrier flights (such as ryanair) to spain. since i have visited these tired destinations numerous times, i am secretly harboring the attitude that motherfigure wants me to drive a recreational vehicle to branson, missouri.

no, i have never touristed branson, missouri... and will shut up.
oh, just trying to be lighthearted-- certainly not mean.

the suggestions of striving for the galapagos islands and ecuador; possibly trekking in patagonia; enduring the difficulty of tibet; and "let's cash in airline miles for first class flights to south africa, take the desert express train to windhoek, and go dune boarding out in the namib desert" were either part of my imagination, or not met with appreciation. nobody is listening to me. if they ever are, they don't have a clue as to what i am saying or to where in the world i refer.


terracotta warriors-- xi'an, china

it is frustrating that motherfigure always wants to vacation at a place i have just visited. she isn't insisting on the horror-filled megalopolis that is hong kong or even orlando. i have a certificate which entitles up to four guests to a free stay at an excruciatingly boring name brand resort in hawaii, but no intention of telling her just yet. who knows where we will end up? she wants a fallacy of security. i need to fill all open gaps. this trip needs to be an education and fulfill a variety of other needs.

it must appear ridiculous to complain about a particularly grand set of international options, but i would be happy to go domestic. the scaredy-cat mentality is frustrating as always.... if i can, certainly this woman who 'continually transacts with the public and maintains a high level career' can. she is free to stop using the word "tour" but probably won't until the day i mention *she* can arrange and take any day tour *she* wants as i have no problem with doing my own thing.

link: terra cotta army warriors on wikipedia

platinum and graduated diamond tennis necklace
"now one, two, three, do me..."

Boy and Girl fight.

[days pass]

Boy and Girl make up.
Girl jokes Boy can buy her a diamond necklace as an apology.
Girl uses the word "platinum" while joking about having other male options.

[several more days pass]

Boy gives Girl extremely expensive diamond necklace.
Girl understands she now needs to put out.

consider: but for how long?

saharan sand dune ridges and wind-carved landscape-
erg chebbi, merzouga, morocco

blogger #F is getting no return on blogger investment #5.

climbing the saharan sand dunes--
erg chebbi, merzouga, morocco

random things:
- currently experiencing skipping vision from eating disorder aftermath.
- are these symptoms akathisias?
- does it stem from the relationship between omega 3 fatty acids and corn?

- multiple ankle stress fractures.
- confirmed symptoms of a rotator cuff injury.
- ankle foot wraps, painful yet frozen shoulder, yet still exercising.
- lately DAILY LIFE is always related to risk.
- or sand in my shoes.
- or punitive pain, but physical damages do not rank as self injurious.

- spoke to a traveler i met while windsurfing in essaouria, morocco.
- his voice on the phone suggested we dune board out in arizona.
consider: poisonous snakes in the arizona dunes.
consider: arizona is experiencing 108'F desert weather.
consider: what to wear if inevitably grubbed up by the heat?

doctor suggested, "do anything except for that snowboarding on sand."
- these "sports injuries" are not from dune boarding.
consider: trekking around morocco with a camel wool rug souvenir again.


climbing the saharan sand dunes--
erg chebbi, merzouga, morocco

after ingesting a food which has a derivative of corn listed in its ingredients, i feel like bringing down the world. what is crazy isn't that i crash land into a depression which holds the weight of suicidal intention (as that was normal for too long) but that all moral turpitude gets shot to hell. on these sunken days, not only is the plan to leave behind a huge bodily mess, but to take anyone who gets in the way (or looks at me wrong) along for the deadly ride.

in researching food reactions, corn allergy was noted a few months back. the severe model of my anorexia sits ready to ignite, so i refused to investigate a corn free diet beyond avoiding the obvious ingredient. over the last two weeks i was beginning to wonder if a daily 'myoplex lite' nutritional supplement (fortified protein powder, ingredients include corn maltodextrin) was directing my demeanor, and now after testing the theory (by tentatively avoiding corn excipients but still digesting the same amount of calories), it is clear that intense states of depression can be a hypersensitivity to corn.

derivatives of corn are in everything, such as the obvious corn syrup, corn oil, and powders, but even cellophane tapes, postage stamp adhesive, cardboard surfaces (juice boxes), powdered sugar, aspirin, and most medicinal tablets. today it is frightening to consider those next-to-death anorexic weeks where nothing had been eaten except corn starch and water-- how days were bound by habit and they catalyzed the continuation of only eating corn starch which fed into dealing with more depression, thus more eating of corn starch, or restriction, etc... so many memories of the worst times in my life point toward food intolerance fueling disordered eating (which was expected to be cured by consumption). corn starch-- a concern of pica or a comedogenic and fattening food for fat people?

consider the direction. consider how to proceed. simultaneously following a corn elimination diet and a gluten-free food plan could center debilitating problems with food, but i can never stick to an allergy-free plan for longer than a week due to the resulting weight loss. the lowest number on the scale used to be imperative, so this should be easy, but i call on a different directory of rules and restrictions now. it insists the number is not combined with lackluster or inability of any kind. really, if starving was initially about being perfect, why cheat by allowing tarnish?

also, consider the industrial revolution which saw the beginning of the processing of corn. the result of crushing the corn kernel was an imbalance or loss of essential omega 3 fatty acids. soon afterward, the invention of hydrogenation saw the additional loss of omega 3's. perhaps 'avoiding corn' and thinking of it as an allergy is actually secondary to supplementing the diet with foods rich in omega 3 acids (alpha-linolenic acid, epa, and dha).

a few weeks ago, my friend of mine mentioned that i look different now, and even though he missed sight of the clenching grip anorexia immediately put on my heart, he said he was not referring to weight. british film director friend had stumbled a bit afterwards, and subsequently rewound his sentence. glutton i am, for punishment and dasani ice water, insisted on an explanation. he told me my skin was pink, reinforced that weight was not his point, and said while never looking bad, somehow i now look both the same but a lot better. this is an acceptable complement, taken only after pointing out the current wardrobe includes cappadocia pants, to essentially lock his thoughts away from potentially ever deviating towards size.

a million other considerations go here:
- how lucky i am to discover these conflicts.
- how people appreciate both forms of a corn-free personality.

- hmmm... blame it all on omega 3 fatty acids and the industrial revolution!
- biological factors? nutritional profile? amylophagia?

- did eating disorder change my absorption thus constant allergic results?
- or have allergies caused eating disorder to begin with?
- never will i pluralize that term again, don't let it bug you.

- the old ritual involving bathroom cleanser was considered recently.
- the last few weeks were fine, i swore, but now they don't look so hot.

consider: quit rug-related position #1 before it begins?
note: fear.
- get up, get motivated
- open the blinds
[no don't open them- i don't want to see.]

consider: call British Friend and ask him to handle the job.
consider: ask? tell?
consider: "hi, do you want to fly to north africa this weekend?"

[screw it, i simply don't feel well.]
consider: do something about the trip to morocco.
consider: speaking into machines, using that damn telephone.
[or maybe i could take a nap.]
consider: damn insomnia.

[once i board the flight i will be fine.]
[it's just a trip to morocco and jolly ol' england.]
[i've done this before-- calm down!]
[no, i've got two broken ankles and i'm staying home!]
[screw britain! i live in hell and like to make the worst of it.]
consider: guilt.
- call someone

ring. ring.
[god, pick up!]
ring.
[god, what if he picks up?]
ring.
[oh my god, what time is it there?]

"hi."
[what does he mean hi? no one answers the phone hi!]
"yeah it's me. do you have two days off this next week?"

"i could give you my two days off, kitty. are you in holland?"
[oh, sweet jesus.]
"no-- why is everything automatically about sex?"

"why does a cat wag its tail? because it's what the cat wants to do. a tail would never try to wag a cat, as a cat would refuse to wag unless it really wanted to wag, in which case, the cat would already be wagging. so, you're not in holland?"
"no."

"are you in london?"
"no."

"friday?"
"no."

(voice of mock surprise) "are you sitting out in my car?"
"what?! i, no."

"do you want me to come see you?"
"yesss... i mean NO! NO! that's not what this is about."

"YES! see, if a tail tried to wag itself, a cat will assert its dominance and bite the tail. so no, your answer really is YES."

consider: why i try to avoid the telephone.

you searched for:

what does it mean when a cat wags its tail?
a cat wagging its tail is usually a sign that they are annoyed, anxious, or of some level of predatory indecision or conflict. a classic example is a cat which is hunting, stalking or tracking something. when cats wag their tails while they are sleeping, it usually means they are resting contently, but are still somewhat alert to their surroundings. The devon rex (crossbred to american and british shorthairs) is a playful cat and said to wag its tail when happy or receiving praise.


when a dog wags its tail does it mean he is happy?
when a dog wags its tail, it is a different situation altogether. the 'broad sweeping' or 'left to right' wagging seen in dogs has always been indicative of happiness and good spirits. researchers at the university of trieste in italy have related how brain asymmetry (left and right halves of the brain, which is known to control specific emotions in humans) is also seen in the bias of a wagging dog's tail. a dog's tail wags more forcibly to the left when confronted, lonely, or frightened. the bias of wagging directs towards the right when dogs are happy, with familiar people, or interested in approaching a person or situation.

when i choose to answer e-mail without using expressive vocabulary or indicating my mood, the recipient will insist on attaching an emotion to my words.

how is it fair for another person to decide how i am feeling? when i respond to e-mail, or answer a question without extending other information, nowhere is there a rule stating this 'flat' type of reply must automatically default to combative, aloof, or rude.

i have received an accusation of being 'combative' for a second time now in just under a week which is incorrect (and a bit offensive). 'combative' should relate that i was prepared, aggressive, or eager to fight. considering my reply in both situations started and ended with the sentence "no, i'm fine," this accusation seems rather silly.

"no, i'm fine" neither means "no, i'm fine and why don't you !#$X! off" nor "no, i'm fine but i am snubbing you." it simply means "no, i'm fine." as a neutral response, it neither mentions being upset or happy, nor busy or bored. consider how it could make all of the difference in the world if i indicated an outreach and added "how are you" to the reply. i have a terrific habit of standing back to observe other people's behavior. i enjoy letting people fill in the blanks (which are not theirs to fill, basically allowing their destruction to persist) just see how they tick. both the concept of neutral and sudden instances of privacy are notoriously misinterpreted to relate something bad. my neutral answer which should have allowed nothing from which to draw, did not speak of privacy or involvement-- it ended up inaccurately telling people that i was in a bad mood and ready for a fight.

it's the little things, this i know. minuscule instances of additional connection are needed to perpetuate relationships-- to help other people manage their emotions. push and pull is necessary to keep the motivation and function. i stopped-- it's no surprise they subsequently asked if 'it' had broken.

last month while vacationing in minnesota, any person i came in contact with (such as cashiers and customer service representatives) always ended transactions with "and have a great day!" after living in a metropolis for so long (where we all act too busy to interfere, care, or involve ourselves) those superfluous exchanges in the midwestern communities bothered me to no end.

"not only is it unnecessary, but this type of communication seems intrusive," i thought. the expressions sounded corny rather than pleasant or genuine. "leave me alone. i live in the city now. we refuse to know each other. you might use anything you may find to violate me." all that-- look at all of that garbage which had arisen from a stranger's sentiment of hoping one endures a favorable afternoon.

i occasionally try to envision myself attaching this 'additional' connections to conversations or e-mail. i fear it would appear i was spouting out a fairly sarcastic level of sunshine. "have a nice day"-- spoken from my mouth? someone might double take! (or worse, once again accost me with accusations of being aggressive!) any superfluous statements sent over e-mail wouldn't taste too good if received from me-- no doubt they would facilitate confusion.

there are no weekday visitors to this site.
stop confusing the system.

e-mail from motherfigure:
> Hi kid
> Where can we get frequent flyer miles? Europe?
> Sydney? Australia? Any Worldperks Airline Miles for this?

flagrant thinks: eye thought eye was disowned due to my preoccupation with traveling in afghanistan?! what the heck is this "we" crap? eye'm not going to fecking europe on vacation when eye'm flying to london and back twice in the next nine days. screw this, she can tag along in cambodia with flagrantme or she can stay home.

consider: suggesting we visit that place she calls mallowmar.

just because i have yet to go to bed doesn't mean that the gardener can use a gasoline powered leaf blower at 7:13am. how the hell do you say "effing knock it off" in spanish?

after the sun went out this house was arranged for impending gloom, the glow of incineration and sure, cheery cereal boxes could eliminate a purgatorial position but the effort is complex and why erase any eccentricity? i'll have fire for dinner. integrity was emptied and everything wiped out but then it was upsetting as lining corners were worn and replacement took patience. smooth and straighten. brush and box up. distract and disguise. smolder... but fail at protecting my last impression when anywhere i go still leads to me. suicidal statements, when inside pain cannot be snuffed from hard lumps are a sound below guttural shock. prolonged gasps.
tidy up and hurry. stay a few inches behind your eyes and just watch from inside.
everything is fine. it's all good. just go.

blogger #160 finally posted in june, after spending two years away, and has spontaneously disappeared again. well, good. i thought to welcome those wide fingers back to the blogosphere but luckily hesitated. no one should receive accolades for returning from where one never should have been. he knows what that means.

blogger #F touched blogger #04 in the chest yesterday with merely one word, but instead should have stabbed his sorry soul.

blogger #32 was to receive thrills in the mail-- but i have since changed my mind and instead he can now expect a box full of roofing nails scattered in his driveway.

"...and it's only tuesday," said BAD ATTITUDE.

there were never any people i liked-- there were just those who never went away. one person. one blogger owning potential. eventually. i could imagine the social setting. nothing in particular. perhaps some chatting online or in public. you would think by now i could act less shy. last month he dramatically reissued his personality into one of all encompassing eagerness. lots of links. lots of names. his new online act turned out to be rather frightening. will it hold up? in a rush i backed away from the doorway i was about to tap, and escaped down the hall. this was all before he checked himself in the metaphorical mirror. perennial depression suggests a lack of expectation, but surprise, it is not that i didn't show up, it's that too much had been revealed.

lost opportunity-- due to waiting too long.

ryukyu underground- agarijo
ed rush & optical- pacman
and i am obsessing over a song called gravity fields.

yesterday was busted beyond imagination.

day #48 was a double which turned into a double double without in-n-out and now i just set myself up to feel foodless deprivation, but ha! lucky me, i have no energy. let's imagine bad day in a row #49 does happen with the same mind who couldn't see #3 and scream it can't... it can't... or i'll opt to exit.

all of the blocked links to this blog previously banned by .htaccess have been removed, as if it matters, because people who were interested in reading this page stopped bothering or got sick of using the front door. *shrugs* who were they? i don't know, they never introduced themselves, so why bother to visit their sites to find out? no, not you, or you. scarypeople. people who have blogs which a sick part of me would really love to read. later, embarrassed of typed emotions and of being real, i had blocked google and all of those other annoying blog bots. web stats were dropped because i refuse to pay for lacking information. e-mail was deleted because NOTHING deserves no distraction.

grand epic came and went, or a few fibers are still here, but i shouldn't guess until after dark if this makes sense. a sunday. an odd number beyond biblical proportion. an idea. is tomorrow monday? DAY ONE looms daily since june of 1997 and has never been about getting to even times.
does the question mark stand?

don't you hate it when revisiting the land of living after the weird warp through the netherworld and it shows nothing has changed? look, there is google back with typical rank. a blog bot, another, those spider empires, and five more but gmail is illegible and who knows good free web stats? this blog was read last night after threat of dairy but i don't know who wrote it or about any of the people mentioned.

no, not me.

pro: blog history demonstrates most fear and anxiety is invalid.
con: blogging reaffirms that i constantly feel extremely disliked.

an ebay auction was won and the payment transaction completed. the final total amounted to merely one dollar, including shipping, but the seller incorrectly furnished only half of the product i had purchased.

is this mistake supposed to go unnoticed? the point is not the price, rather it's that i bought all of the items and not some. this is going to either look bad, make me feel sick, or what if the other person gets upset for being wrong? have you ever met anyone who owned up to being wrong? racing thoughts push the catastrophe toward simply "being awarded negative feedback" to "being suspended from ebay." this should probably be left alone, but where else can i find the items? nowhere other than from that particular ebay seller.

since production is limp today (except for adjusting the air conditioner settings and whining about the weather) this ebay auction is getting warped into a big situation in my head. why can't this merely be seen as an error in the seller's packaging?

this lazy day has the capacity to add moral issues to the conflict: these items up for auction are not technically allowed to be sold. seeing that i bought them, this could make me a worse citizen than her. et cetera...

people need to see their part through to fruition.
always.
damn me for being shy.

the bother is the stomped effort after trusting the process. how thinking someone out there, somewhere, can manage a job properly and timely without deception or excuse.

note to self:
- bind invalid friend with duct tape and also light on fire.
- drowned screaming kid from next door in swimming pool.
- sue eas myoplex before itching and scratching to death.
- awaken [specific person] with a sledgehammer and coarse rope.
what am i at? bad day #46?

44 bad days in a row even though the bad was pretty good.
consider: how do i make myself throw up so much?
translation: my teeth hurt.

43 bad days in a row.

since finalizing afghanistan as a definite destination while in central asia, my family refuses to hear anything else about this upcoming trip. nothing! they will neither hear how the adventure includes the "mother of the stans, kazakhstan" nor the part where i will need to hire an armed guard in peshawar, pakistan. currently this action is essential in order to cross the border into afghanistan. why is it so horrible to hear how the plan is to hire a shared taxi to jalalabad, before carrying on overland to chicken street in kabul? whether i am secretly pressing this and having a ball laughing, or they are "small town" doesn't matter. my family has seen me for the last time.

our conversation started off right-- i padded the atmosphere for over ten minutes with statements of safety and stories of alternative security. this monologue revealed how the non-touristed countries are *not* ripe for petty theft or scams (due to the novelty of the rarely seen foreigner). chances are stacked against a solo traveler being assaulted and robbed in the situation i will undertake, but there is the inevitable and never ending cry of baksheesh! baksheesh is defined as outright bribery, mandatory tipping, any charity to beggars, or the expectation of any of these. i insisted the traveler's trail was now leading back into kabul from peshawar and that the overland journey would be made independently on this trip.

motherfigure said, "i thought you already did afghanistan."

consider: was my sigh one of relief or did it speak of a disgruntled attitude due to her banality over afghanistan?

one parent down, one to go, and there is where it turned bad.

my father called me every foul name in the book and explained that he neither wants to hear from, nor does he need to ever have the thought of me in his head again. if i am really "that stupid" then he cannot imagine having a kid who turned out "that stupid" and i will no longer exist. my textbook response for provincial idiots was given, in perfect cadence with a lovely kick-in-the-teeth oomph, which explained that most educated people in the world can differentiate between a government and its people. also, aside for those who haven't the experience to form an opinion, who actually believes in the fraudulent protection that britain or the united states claim to offer?


moroccan snake charmers in traditional costume-
djamaa el fna square, marrakesh, morocco

how come my father cannot accept a stupidity crown for telling people that his daughter is just back from camel trekking through the opulent tax shelter of monaco?! i can't believe he would do that. then again, he probably did -- half jokingly -- to test the response of whoever he was talking to.

the principality of monaco, which is the world's most densely populated country, is a haven for the wealthy and known for formula one grand prix racing. located on the french riviera, it is similar in size to new york city's central park. i was traveling in morocco and the islamic republic of mauritania, which are sparsely populated, economically unproductive north african countries. the camel trek took place with indigenous berber tuaregs out in the sahara desert. my father purposely stated 'monaco' rather than 'morocco' in conversations to manipulate other people's outlook. in doing this he sheltered [his friends] with the assurance of my safety but wholly discredited what i did. his friends happen to belong to a population i do not know and will never meet. my father, who has many a mental illness related to the vietnam era and does not leave his home alone, minimized so much more than the chosen destination.

this whole afghanistan disaster was expected, but my parents needed to be informed. unfortunately, nothing was mentioned about a future unlicensed ("illegal") trip to cuba. why bother? a trip to cuba is over a year away, but i would like to flaunt my independence right about now.

people forget that my health concerns have taken away the option of living to a ripe old age. due to this i have decided to "live often" and "live differently." in whatever it is i choose to do, there is always the option of turning back. the biggest problem with travel to central asia will instead not be safety, but my ability in securing bottled water which doesn't aggravate my stomach. given my health problems, it is essential to keep electrolytes in check as the situation can easily turn nervous when exhausted and traveling. anything else will be dealt with as it comes along and handled just fine.

two hours after being notified that i am receiving recognition, that is, an award for a documentary film project, an e-mail form letter arrived from the internet movie database rejecting this same film from their catalogue. perhaps, i gave them so much grief in the past to have wrongly credited explicit titles removed from this form of resume, that now only embarrassing made for television specials can be added under my name.

[if it looks like the truth, smells like the truth...]

web hits and referral links to this site suggest lazy people (who seek tips and tricks on a proanorexic forum) love me. how can i not feel smothered when linked by a group of people who haven't the capacity to understand they will need to learn to embrace hunger rather than try to ward it off? on the same web page which is currently referring may visitors, people who do not want to associate themselves with food are talking about food storage and grocery store shopping lists.

i have anorexia nervosa. in obtaining the goal of a fairly foodless life, the connection to food must also be restricted. what does one purchase in a grocery store aside from cat litter and fluoridated water? if people want to reduce to an unfathomable weight like mine, *how do they not know* that the concepts of grocery shopping and shopping lists also will need to be eliminated?

for example: i refuse to own silverware. what exactly is the point? if silverware accumulated in a tray in my kitchen, this appearance of utensil would be a statement that my passion for 'nothing' is fraudulent. if i do not "want to want" food, consider how silverware and other kitchen stock would only make opportunities for food more convenient.

convenience is quick and deadly.
convenience is counter to the focus.
eliminate that which can offer a problem.

another few examples: why would i own a microwave oven? i do not. there is also no reason for a grocery store 'club card' to linger in my wallet or hang from my key chain. ("vons card", "ralphs club card") imagine the information collected from that club card, and what it details. "you are an eater. you eat so often that you require a membership discount and it needs to be at hand."

these proana focused web hits screw up my composure and excite a horrible arrogant attitude. i should adopt a clingy t-shirt and now walk around in mock confusion when there are more productive things to do. with an outstretched left arm, i could wittily proclaim to the plants "how dumb does one need to be to *not* know how to 'NO' thyself." or, "while i wrapped my ankles and was running while wearing a weighted down backpack at three in the morning, what were those people doing... were they in a bed?" my very, very favorite, of course, is performed with a pointed finger, "i could make anyone restrict dairy simply by uttering one sentence."

consider: skinny can never find a clingy t-shirt.
consider: where might i shop at this body weight?
consider: how many lines has this restriction crossed?

3 wks svr deprssd- bad
barely move today.
grrrrrr...