flagrant disregard

vacationing on the hawaiian island of kauai with 'Lavish Ingurgitation' [a potential love interest] and his wallet a few weeks ago has become nothing but a big strain in my continuing effort to seek out a material balance. it was good to visit my middle american family with their domestic cars, television education, and regular version of DAILY LIFE recently. unfortunately, this visit took place immediately after that extravagant weekend in hawaii, and i was painfully aware that nothing in the nowheresville was impressionable except for my lack of enthusiasm towards small lives.

Lavish Ingurgitation, a bastard and part-time actor who has experienced too many possibilities, tried to ignite an opinion that just about everything in the world is lame. if that which remains somehow ranks higher than lame, it, whatever it may be, needs restoration, or to be prettier, faster, better, more, more, more.

one example is how the trendy MINI S which i recently acquired to financially flip for profit is apparently of an eye-rolling caliber. consider: how to mention and have him believe that the tree-sap spotted american monstrosity i actually drive is an experiment in psychology? [experiment: 'car' as 'transportation' and not 'car' as 'a statement of personal style, income, and social status'] how to ever explain my formulaic and therefore restrictive bank account habits? how to mention that i understand one thousand times the excess he dreams about, and that is why i pin myself into an uncomfortable place? i specifically scout out sale priced items, have no issue with using a coupon to two (if the transaction is smooth and does not disrupt other customers), and am frugal enough to use solar energy to heat and cool my home. i don't think Lavish Ingurgitation has a capacity to understand the ability to take it all, but to leave it untouched.

for half of a moment prior to that hawaiian weekend, i was proud (sin) to have what is needed, to be able to give freely, and be debt free. the reflected impression from Lavish Ingurgitation told me to keep for myself in order to acquire better, and that driving a vehicle built by ford is equivalent to advertising one's welfare eligibility. my car just turned four years old, has minimal mileage racked up on the odometer, and though i don't appreciate it either, turns heads and is still a current model.

since returning to los angeles and having finished all of the publishing which was intended to fill the next two weeks, i was starting to mope that something half-beneficial and partially grand would not mark this newly opened calendar. what do you mean just live DAILY LIFE, replenish the household, recycle bottles, and vacuum? what about living the life of excitement and excess? what about possibly fitting another weekend trip into this space? what about the more, more, more?

Lavish Ingurgitation is free to go. his philosophy not only conflicts with mine, but it also feels dangerous. i have decided that this week will be spent volunteering at places which make me mentally uncomfortable.

later:
very decent and compassionate people, who own less than everything and more than nothing, can be found in volunteer centers-- this is very obvious, isn't it?

later II:
correction! it's not even twenty four hours later, but i will make a sweeping generalization by stating that 90% of people volunteering their time at the places queried consider it work. they are either avoiding conviction, adhering to a probation program, or are fulfilling court ordered community service hours to avoid paying fines.

am i giving up that easy? no. well, yes, but only in regard to this realm of philanthropy. i have an international project to assemble and perhaps now is the time to excite the process. clinic facilities are needed in cambodia and two singaporean acquaintances with more money, connections, drive (and, quite simply, they live closer) are interested enough to see this project through to fruition. good, i would prefer to do our own work than feed an administration.

consider: the difference between the word friend and acquaintance.
consider: international and financial levels of trust.

[nowheresville - minneapolis - los angeles]
home, sour home.
if i'm out of here within the week, where would i go?

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
i only have an hour remaining before flying to minneapolis/los angeles and my father [who has been anxious, angry, and nuts due to my idiot brother's non-talkative state and ability to zap energy out of the family] has a request. out of the blue, he mentioned that before my next serious relationship i must promise to run out and buy a cat o'nine tails. then my father insisted that mr. relationship is to get the life whipped out of him by me the first time he ever starts to mouth off.
dad says: "promise me."
note: it's time to go home.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
e-mail: did you, or are you buying a MINI cooper for your folks?

no sir.

except for long beach mini and one place up in the bay area, the dealerships in california have been selling out of MINI S models-- even after pricing them thousands upon thousands of dollars over msrp.

these premium pricing tactics should never be tolerated, as a MINI can easily be purchased at msrp right off of the lot at an out of state dealer. (paying msrp for a new car is considered a premium in my book, but i have yet to hear of a dealer who is discounting anything off of msrp.) it's easy to buy out of state as the MINI is fifty state legal and therefore conforms to the california smog laws. the last time i called for information in southern california, the waiting list for a MINI S at long beach mini still had a 12 month wait-- and that wait was just to order the car.

the MCS i just bought in minneapolis has a john cooper works package [jcw] and was not for a family member, rather, the intention is to sell it to a lazy angeleno and collect the $10,000 premium for my effort.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
do you think the compassion and generosity i have is just a product of the illness? is it fraudulent? my new year's resolution is right on schedule but... but... but i have people looking over my shoulder right now and-- next year i should bring my own laptop.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
fact: my father, mother, brother (who drove several hours to get here from chicago for a rescheduled divorce related court appearance), and i are all sleeping under the same roof tonight for the first time in over 14 years.

i cannot communicate with anybody without accidentally making them feel undereducated or like dirt but just leaving the silence hang is lousy, too. not to be rude, but what do any of us have in common and how many more comments can be made referring to the funny things the cat does or the broken valve problem on my idiot brother's new dodge?

note: regardless of my previous situations, everyone thinks i am an elitist snob who hates everything. never am i impressed, they say. why should i be? i live in a metropolis and continually travel the world. the lack of interest the area offers is what is interesting. they should use that fact to their advantage. the place is calm. also, the laid-back california attitude which i appear to have down pat (?) radically accentuates my dad's anxiety disorder.

fact: dad expects us all to be the best of friends and not only reminisce about the old hungry times that were downright awful, but also go for walks through tick infested forests to talk about whoknowswhat, and then re-enact our childhood 'mayor of the munchkin city' skits from the 'wizard of oz' in the living room.

note: i would most regally but can verify it legally the other sibling half is an asshole or needs long term psychiatric care. he has spoken approximately three sentences since arriving, doesn't want to have anything to do with any of us, and is dragging us all down. if he doesn't want to be here, but needs to be in the area, why can't he go secure a hotel room for the night?

note: things were fine until dad put the 'little house on the prairie' script into all of our hands and now it's just flat out mentally ill here in the big woods.

consider: so here i am... tap tap... typing... all night...


MODEL A FORD STREET ROD- NOWHERESVILLE

fact: i am well and in charge of making dinner.
consider: ???

motherfigure says: "...and the salad."
motherfigure says: "but your father's can't have anything green."
- potato salad?
- macaroni salad?
- some type of gelatin marshmallow ambrosia salad?
- tomato and overpeeled cucumber salad?
flagrant says: "ah.. i.. uh.. so... oh, fruit salad?"
motherfigure says: "nooooooooooooo... lettuce salad!"


GARAGE DOOR- NOWHERESVILLE

consider: perhaps my brother isn't a complete loser, has a friend living a few hours from here, and will take off for the night to leave motherfigure and i to listen to dad's anxiety spout off until he retreats to bed.

note: my brother has recovered from the motocross accident last may yet neither the ama racing season nor his injury have been mentioned.

highlight: dad has been referring to me in my brother's presence as "your rich sister" in an attempt to plant a few motivational seeds in his head.

GREED says: "so this isn't all bad."

note: but it really is bad as i am not striving for noted affluence- it goes against my principles and future balance.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
arriving back into los angeles is going to be difficult. this has been virtually five weeks of vacation for me- and then what happens? wednesday night, my house. it isn't going to be pleasant.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
fact: staying in a houseboat on the scenic st. croix river.
fact: only one more day of cuddly family time.
consider: c'mon, you can do it!
consider: unless?

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
things were fine until dad told motherfigure to rip the tag out of his new hat. she read it before tearing it out but first announced that the hat was made in mallowmar. we both questioned what in the hell she was talking about even though we could see it coming and she replied with, "you know, burma."

dad has been telling everyone that i recently visited monaco rather than morocco because "he doesn't know what people would think if he told them i was in morocco." through somewhat clenched teeth the parents were informed how obscenely that downgrades ME rather than comforts people i have never met.

note: this self-esteem is great. i am going to lose a family and have even less than two friends but live with the knowledge i am not misrepresented.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
last friday while vacationing on the hawaiian island of kauai, my companion and i were upgraded (through the starwood preferred guest program) to a luxury suite which sells for almost $5000 per night. considering we only paid a discounted $200 for each night at that princeville resort, these particular accommodations may rank as the best deal of the year.

tonight i am sharing the same double hotel room as my parents at an americ-inn motor lodge. it's located away from the twin cities, right off of the interstate in baldwin, wisconsin- a smelly cow town. other than hotels, this bump in the road has nothing more than a dairy queen brazier, gas station, and an a&w restaurant. it's all the same (and possibly more comfortable due to the lack of 5-star attitude) though there is no "liquid-crystal magic shower window" like they hang at the sheraton princeville. the big draw at this rural hotel is the free breakfast bar which includes quaker instant oatmeal packets, a cappuccino system, and an iron to 'make your own waffle.' it's a quiet area, surrounded by fields, and seems to be a good choice for my parents. due to his anxiety disorder, my dad couldn't stay in a luxury hotel or in 'crowded' downtown minneapolis even if it was free.

- something about the motorwerks MINI dealer in edina (minneapolis area)... how the mini cooper s jcw i ordered is prominently sitting on display with its sold tag (and lots of grubby fingerprints) as an advertisement for their dealership in the corner of the southdale shopping center parking lot. i don't think i mind. they wouldn't have placed a bland or base model cooper out there as an eye catcher.

- something about ordering food and having the delivery driver show up two hours later with the family pizza but without my garden salad because "the person who took the order is new and we don't have that." dad grumbles. motherfigure says, "but the cashier on the phone gave us the total price... and you couldn't operate a telephone to inform anybody or you just didn't bother?" the driver says, "well, we were really busy." anorexia says, "you are not important. you don't count. how dare you think you were going to take part in eating. everyone knows you aren't allowed. everyone- even people you have never met. it's really something that all of those obese waddling types you saw sauntering around the mall of america today each held cold stone creamery triple scoops in waffle cones but never you. imagine how hideous you must be that you can't see those obese people are obviously less slovenly- you are so much worse. can't you comprehend that waitresses and fast food workers still serve them but always forget you? people stopped feeding you so why can't you catch on? drunk people stop getting served alcohol so imagine what you must be."

note: the friends in los angeles i consider family would neither have paid for nor eaten the food delivered by that restaurant. my real midwestern family = lazy gluttons without ability to even consider eliminating the ridiculous situation. [just think about that- it didn't even occur to them to invalidate the scene and send everything back!!] the correct response prior to closing the door, which never happened, was, "sorry, we ordered from someplace else. we did cancel, but were too busy to call and tell you."

-something here about my dad bringing to my attention and counting off aloud each person who looks me up and down. i am tall, lanky, blonde, and, due to former fashionable employment, never leave the house unless completely pulled together. always be camera ready. on my worst day, i still hold the most presence in a room. "watch this next group of people," my father proudly said to motherfigure, "watch. at least two of them will stumble while completely looking her over."

note: i told him that the only thing helping me to challenge agoraphobia and this introversion, aside from spending my earned fortune on foreign travel, was to make a point of thinking that NOBODY WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.

- something here about my dad questioning empty air too many times about whether or not i could actually fit in "the damn" MINI cooper (referring to my height) even though a MINI was won in a national contest last winter and it is parked at my home in los angeles. [this may be my fault as it is always pointed out that it has never been driven and is still on its second tank of gasoline- but that is due other issues of want/have/need and that fact i might sell it for a profit.] finally after the sixth or seventh time he droned on about bigness, it was pointed out to him that i was not an oddball anywhere on earth except online and in my parent's home. NEVER has anyone pointed out anything out of the ordinary with my height AND that if he is going to talk about size, then talk about size... if it's height he is mentioning it damn well better be referred to as TALL from here on out.

...and i think i am sick and going to throw up now in the echo chamber hotel bathroom which, how lovely, lacks a fan to mask the sound. even though this hotel is not necessarily cheap, a sink which attracts a lot of traffic is strangely placed outside of the actual bathroom. why oh why, oh please, oh my, let my parents both snore or assume i clear my throat a lot while taking two hour showers.

[sigh]

this isn't that bad...
just the constant "everyone's looking at you" nonsense.

i know they are looking at me!
the constantly perfected appearance causes some problems.
remember?
people always look at me!
even snuffed out with illness, i still sparkle the most.
uh, yeah. remember, the lengths i go to try not to...?
why do i need to be told?

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
my family was supposed to meet up with my brother in minneapolis over the weekend but he had the presence of mind to notify all of us by e-mail and mention that he decided to and subsequently had moved to chicago last week. later in the afternoon my dad finally regained consciousness until the snail mail arrived which declared a warrant for my brother's arrest (due to missing a court appearance) and dad has been out ever since. mom is upset because two big bears just walked through the backyard but telling her that one can usually call a charging black bear's bluff by throwing a rock at it has relieved nothing.

hmm.. hmm... today we went for a drive.
hmm.. hmm... tomorrow we'll go for a drive.


MODEL A FORD STREET ROD- NOWHERESVILLE

e-mail: is this trip to nowheresville to visit the family or to avoid a person who might be leaving rehab (since you were just home the other day)?

i have been visiting my family for a week in june consistently for the last few years and this is that annual trip-- on returning from morocco recently, i had a stopover in minneapolis and in the grand scheme of things, the five hour drive to nowheresville from the twin cities counts as being in the area so i rented a car and was able to visit for a day and a half.

e-mail: are your relations improving with your family? they don't necessarily seem bad, you just don't seem too close with them.

as long as the astonishments over my accomplishments render people speechless i will tolerate being a gem but neither eating disorder nor business successes have been mentioned much... nuh-uh, they want to hear about stocks! my parents are not bad people and if the airline ticket to nowheresville was half the price, the visits would increase. whenever i found a mind boggling airfare to europe for use during the holidays which priced out at half the cost of the flight here, my dad always insisted that i instead visit berlin or london and see the world rather than take a rickety prop plane to nowheresville... of course there is that other part about never being able to leave the house much over the last decade. we have been detached for good and bad reasons.

[nowheresville vacation 2004]
hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm...

[los angeles]
chuck seems to have forgotten his dvd case of playboy x-rated media at my house. this is interesting because it isn't as plastic as the horrifying material that [former roommate] notscott needed to use. one dvd is a specialty fetish film relating to girls who wear glasses. me thinks fetish ranks higher than instant open mac lipstick mouth gratification and not that i want the visual but... i wear eyeglasses. do think he uses my towels?

speaking of chuck, how many vorpal pocket knives does a non-maniacal person need?

[los angeles]
since the parentfigures saw me last week in a state of elated able-bodied esteem, having stopped there on a layover during the return home from the successful sahara, today is filled with running around like a fool to ensure a polished yet well-rested presentation. (it is damn near impossible after the recently deleted livejournal idol retardation and the nonsense relating to my reaction to that lunatic's link). i sped from los angeles to santa barbara and back today after last night's restless red eye flight from hawaii and managed clothes shopping, banking, haircolor specialists, DAILY LIFE, store employees, credit card transactions, traffic, gas stations, lunch, and left turns. no problem.

[north shore of kauai- hawaii]
mmmm... kona coffee.

[los angeles]
the telephone rang yesterday and just simply answering it should be worth a mention. the intruder calling wanted to inquire if i was interested in buying foreign ceramics and pottery in morocco for his business. after meeting up with him at a cafe in santa monica and having accepted "occasional rug related position #2" this now makes the skill of answering the telephone appear as lame as it is. "rug related employer #1" donated my telephone number and contact information to the ceramics importer and seclusive habits have barely stirred. this is a blatant omission as they should be screaming many "how dare someone" sentences about my privacy.

how to knock a future employer's unfashionable white socks out of their birkenstock sandals: have an afghanistan visa secured and know the visa requirements for uzbekistan off the top of your head.

then: i directed an awkward promotion for a local television station; secured, filled out, filed the forms, and rented out a mailbox to run a tiny consulting firm; managed the BRIGHTLIGHTS and shopped at the grocery store and target; recycled plastic bottles which were being stored in the MINI cooper, and then took brilliant friend house hunting in the malibu canyons again. it appears impossible to even afford land let alone a home in southern california.

considering: buying and then renting out a luxury apartment in shanghai by the week for an income, or buying oceanfront property in chile for no reason, or building a small medical facility in cambodia. people and animals unfortunately share the same physician, examination room, and surgical instruments in local communes.

life got even better within the last 24 hours... but no matter what happens i am forever carrying around that wide-eyed child who grew up in a family too poor to eat at mcdonald's and therefore is stuck- not allowed to make frivolous choices or have very expensive tangible goods regardless of the current situation. if i do have something noticeably nice, there seems to be an instance of pointing out what i am restricting to allow myself to have the original item. the contradiction here is that i will accumulate every foreign excursion possible, relishing in the leeway of the invisible and unstackable experience.

note: relishing in the leeway, not the experience.

after a crash course in carpets/textiles from the owner of a small shop near beverly hills and having returned from another visit to morocco in july, i can add the title of importer to my resume. allowing myself one superfluous rug (that i damn near presented to my parents as a gift when arriving empty-handed to their home last week) will result in a few days of employment for a luxury boutique and pay as much as chuck made as a full-time retail store manager last year.

though i live in a small place and now having sold my roadster am currently driving the ugliest car in southern california, this current life may be as excessive if not more than once upon a time.

which way do i go? the telephone seems to be ringing off the hook with people who would like to utilize me, of all people, for their business... but i want to do everything to ensure all bases are covered and constantly have every option available to me. even if i choose not to take, i demand the decision to be mine.

what happens today? the house needs to be cleaned and shopping should be done... cat litter, laundry soap, and whatnot but i had an idea, just bought another domain and by tomorrow night could potentially have started another one of my virtually no work businesses. i need friends who have other jobs, will spend late nights with me twice a month, and accept getting paid in lump sums... i need a family and eyeglasses... a fuel efficient car, gluten and corn free vitamins, and pants that fit... i want to start my own NGO.

someone just mentioned eating disorders on television.
realization: i no longer deal with low self-esteem.

- went to the bookstore and stopped in stuttering confusion when i came face to face with my book... didn't expect the situation or even think to look for it in the store. it was just there- right on the shelf and it took a second for it to register that it was MINE.

- did that feel good?
- no, the profit is double when shipping them out myself.

after some prodding, reluctantly spent $60 to have my $40 moroccan rug appraised and it is not made out of man-made fibers but is in fact a 40+ year-old wool and silk antique like the man who sold it to me claimed. the appraiser told me i could easily sell it around $3600.

- huh, what?! i haggled for the rug out in the isolation of the atlas mountains and have been concerned whether or not i actually did only purchase a carpet valued at $40... by ripped off i mean lied to about its quality as i did not pay any more or less than i chose to do.

i have just received an e-mail from a woman named johanna, and the subject says "morocco." the problem is that this is clearly not "flagrant disregard blog" or my eating disorders blog related e-mail.

calm down.

eye don't know who sent this to me.
just read it.
okay.

no hold on... this e-mail is sent to a club, or forum or something, and isn't specifically addressed to flagrantme. eye participate in no online groups. what is this for? how does she know where i was? why am eye getting sent this? in a fit of health, did eye put myflagrant address on the lonely planet thorntree forum? is this intelligent spam? who knows eye was in marrakech with a group of-- OH MY GOD, THIS IS FROM SOMEONE EYE MET ON VACATION IN MOROCCO AND SHE JUST SENT A COLLECTIVE E-MAIL TO EVERYONE WHO RODE THE DUSTY BUS!

- but, but, but she can't break the unwritten code and be the first person to communicate because then SOMEONE ELSE WILL too!

- and eye'm suddenly perilously shy and on the verge of vomity.

- and you've seen myflagrant attempt at communication and how eye'm either kindergarten cadence or all hot and braless in a t-shirt.

- and this e-mail wouldn't be a problem except for the fact eye got separated from the group in a busy city before we all found our accommodations for the night. eye continued on myflagrant own unable to be found, and therefore never said good-bye. owe one of the gang ten dollars, never met up with any of them at pizza hut in england as was planned because eye ended up stuck at gatwick airport overnight and am concerned that it appears eye ditched them all.

note: which ordinarily would have been the goal.

damn.
damn.

so it appears that chuck isn't under the threat of being fired from his most recent job. this is only mentioned due to his history of employment related problems that hit the fan usually while i am out of the country for weeks at a time, leaving him stuck trying to find work by utilizing public transportation and internet at the library. in fact while i was gone, the invalid friend considered doomed to eventually work as a seven dollar an hour cashier at a home depot hardware and home improvement store not only watered my plants and fed the cat correctly, but he also had two days at work where he hit over $10,000 in commissions.

flagrant says: "give it to me... NOW."
chuck says: "i didn't get it yet- wait until next week."
consider: i'm thinking that's more of a yes than a no.

[los angeles]
note: end of diversion

DOG MEADOW LIGHTS - PAULDING, UPPER PENINSULA, MICHIGAN
sight? site? no one in the whole course of writing, crafting, or installing this sign noticed the mistake?

[nowheresville stopover]
... about to leave after visiting the family for a day and a half, to drive through the night in another huge chevrolet rental car, arriving in minneapolis for my upgraded flights home. i connect in memphis for added worldperks frequent flyer miles and then finally, after all of these weeks away, fly to los angeles. my god, i've been on a virtual vacation for over a month and this can only be an impending crash landing.
consider: first class, converse all-stars, backpack, and a magic carpet.
note: i know better.

HWY 2 TRAVEL REST STOP AREA- HURLEY, WISCONSIN

for someone who joked about not wanting to go to duluth a few weeks ago during the lake superior lighthouse weekend, i ended up spending a night in a cheap waterfront hotel in that same smelly city i love to hate. way too early i checked out, had what-a-nice rental car conversations with too many strangers in the parking lot, drove north to ely, and then over to international falls before backtracking to drive through wisconsin and the upper peninsula of michigan. there was a power failure at duluth's best buy, where i stopped to purchase another compact flash card, and people thought this was reason to have a conversation. i wasn't acting unaffected, it's just that where i live nothing is surprising.

big deal, the lights are off.
i can handle it.
you don't have to act confused.
it's alright.

note: at gas stations in particular the local people are eyeing me up and down A LOT. it's obvious they like me, so just smile back, i think.

normal. blonde. thin. jeans.
nothing out of the ordinary- just put together properly.

note: everyone is wearing their car wash clothes away from the hose.

flights: gatwick london to houston texas to minneapolis minnesota [photo]
- pick up rental car in msp and drive north
[overnight in duluth -??]
- drive to the international wolf center in ely minnesota
- continue to international falls minnesota and ft. francis ontario canada
- turn around and head towards nowheresville

[london gatwick airport, england][photo]
typical gatwick rant:
- spending overnight here due to flight delays.
- internet kiosk.
- disrupted schedule = disrupted connections
- new flights = leaving in a few hours rather than later on.
- constantly reminding myself what city i am in.
- sleep... i want sleep.

ATLANTIC VIEW, RAGAMUFFIN CITY - TANGIER, MOROCCO

random scribbles transferred from notebook to travelogue:

- please, please, stop playing over-the-top celine dion atrocities or scorpions power ballads. none of these travel-mates care that the lyric of "winds of change" celebrate political changes in the eastern bloc countries or even know that it was voted 'song of the century' in 2005 by zdf, but sheesh! enough already. this song has turned into a collective joke because we have heard it in almost every establishment which has played 'contemporary' music.

- hatters hostel clerk: "wow! you smell like american toothpaste! (*stumbles*) that scent really takes me back. if i had known you were coming i would have asked you to bring me a tube. what is that? it's traditional crest paste, right?"

- sub-saharan african slaves were waiting in the tangier medina to be smuggled into spain. though this practice is highly illegal, by some slight technicality relating to an intermediary, this was not considered human trafficking. perhaps the migrants making the journey was considered to have made a voluntary choice? most moroccans i had spoken with regarded spain as the land of opportunity. why is spain such an attractive option? spaniards are tolerant if not ambivalent when it comes to migration and the standard of living is substantially higher; also, their national immigration policy is rather weak, and the capacity for administrative infrastructure is lacking. expectations, and therefore illegal immigrations from morocco across the strait of gibraltar into costa del sol, are extraordinarily high. "all greatness will unfold and reveal itself once stepping foot onto the iberian peninsula." "to step foot into spain, is to step into the european union."

- unsightly satellite dishes are affixed to even the poorest of homes. it's very odd to see this luxury attached to shacks which do not have proper floors or functioning windows. i live in a secure home with running water, carpet, hardwood flooring, etc... and yet i do not draw a satellite or cable television bill. "i am too poor." "i don't deserve the excess." to see these dishes and wirings is to face an odd confliction. am i correct in that i am poor? certainly not, even if i have managed my way to morocco only on spare change and a wish. do i simply need to change my personal vocabulary? is my perspective skewed? is my perception of being poor still sewn up into complications of restricted mental illness, or, seeing as i live in sparkling and overspent los angeles-- might it be true?

- "if you marry me god will give you good life. long life. good long life. it's good luck." if one is interested in marriage proposals from men who are unemployable, actively carry around their culture of poverty, and have lived the majority of their lives in makeshift shelters in village cemeteries, morrocco is *the* place to visit.

- with these travel companions eager to sop up every chicken tagine (tajine) dish with a street vendor's loaf of unleavened bread, the housekeepers in our accommodations are getting quite a workout. our bathrooms at the pension talaa (fez) have been disinfected several times today. gone are the wafting and confused scents from the foreign city-- now replaced with the piercing germ warfare of lysol antiseptic cleanser.


CHILD - DADES GORGE, MOROCCO