sunday philosophy:
the outcome is death, thus stop bothering with parameters of
DAILY LIFE.
stop fussing. shut up
...and knock it off.
the last few days of each passing month are the most dysphoric. the calendar flips over, thus the newest installment of a monthly bill is due. i ignore facts and truth to still believe that full-time, out-of-the-house employment would greatly benefit my health. why not? i would never allow myself to make a mistake, unless it was purposely promoted, and this smells like sound employment and job security. why not apply for a government job (for security) with benefits (to make it worthwhile) and prove this to be true? why not challenge the issue, manage it, and move on-- victorious? self esteem cannot be claimed without accomplishment-- why not go, do, and then claim it.
consider: a job location-- could i consistently arrive? daily?
my current version of self-employment stinks and excites the uncomfortable flip side. it's the excess which stabs me in the chest. though it is not what i am doing, i represent all of its income as having capitalized on human stupidity and laziness. then i force this pathology by alternating between caring that my business name is attached to any level of confidence, or i am noted to sarcastically proclaim that inferior people can eat dirt. any form of success gained by me must be slashed to shreds in order to protect those other (unknown) people who might think i have too much. i don't want to be seen 'having' in the face of others who cannot, which is why the majority of the result is routinely given away.
consider:
- how these bad habits and behaviors which function as a safety.
- what if i were to never open the door again...?
- will the agoraphobia take hold?
- will i die?
hmm, i thought the drama was gone.
it seemed forced, though, didn't it?
eye floaters are blinding today. how to perpetually circumnavigate dehydration to keep the spots away? i wonder if the letter and word omission (that i think is neurologically related to eating disorder) is merely a bad case of optical junk?
illness still does not want to ever spend a dime of money but has no problem donating it. it has no problem spending indirectly related to me. it doesn't obsess or try to make unobtainable budgets work in related to business. lately, illness has been obsessed with collecting dimes, therefore it is easy to make the jump and understand how it refuses to spend quarters. the coins slip through a handcrafted slot in a makeshift pickle jar bank. clink. clink. i sometimes insist on how i would like to own nothing tangible, but am simultaneously aiming to amass so much money that people assume mental illness is a prerequisite.
theory + me + weird
result = computes
only 'having' relating to a sense of safety is soothing.
how do you buy safety if safety's protection is doubted?
let's rewind! anorexia and ocd occasionally like to spectrum out further than exercise and calories. every time i purchase _____, i have to restrict _____.
one day and two sentences later, i manipulated invalid friend chuck into paying for an impulse frequent flyer mileage run to
denpasar,
bali (indonesia).
the oddness here is in how i still recoil at the idea of venturing out to the chevron station to fill up the gas tank in my car, but, after a lot of BRAINhell, can successfully trip way out there in foreign land. what is this difference? is it merely arrogance? traveling to bali definitely trumps doing laundry in a common area, but does bali trump DAILY LIFE? why can i still not go places if the fuel indicator light is lit on the car? how can i travel internationally alone but not go to the damn store and pick up detergent?
"i am worthless and should neither exist nor endure. i do not have a necessary destination to reach by automobile. if i did, i could talk myself out of it. if by chance an emergency came up, i could walk. when considering a trip to bali, i think that i should suck up the hell and take the opportunity, no matter how uncomfortable, because this is an incredible opportunity." i always say if it was required i go out and shop at a local store, or if it was important enough i could-- i don't know.
i question the validity of illness. in a way, it may appear that i can manage an uncomfortable situation when it 'affords me a good time.' actually, these trips are ridiculous roller coasters of fear and panic. the panic is on such a level, it somewhat exhausts itself and i dissociate from the reality. if i start to think about location and independence, i get extremely distraught and usually am then 'stuck in the hotel.'
when was the last time i pumped or paid for my own fuel in the car? it was the day a yellow apple was dissected in the car-- and when was that? it was valuable moment in may of 2003. DAILY LIFE had happened that sunday-- the day i watched jack saturn and katie the pest perform at the hub cafe in fullerton.
consider: be appalled at this sheltered life?
consider: be struck by its permanence?
consider: if DAILY LIFE is protected to the point where i neither need to spend my own money, nor worry about whether or not the gas tank in my automobile is full, then why can't i ever relax?! why is there never a good day?!
sidebar:
invalid friend chuck is requesting i purchase him a $300+ camera phone plus a reliable
cellular service plan. this is probably not the right time to approach the subject of
the horrible want. we own vastly superior camera equipment over that which is offered through digital technology in a mobile phone. chuck has an ordinary life and no one to impress. opting for the trendy choice in handset will not elevate his banal day-to-day stituation to a higher status. why succumb to advertising, welcome this gratuitous filler which masks itself as productivity, and then find the future filled with nonsense?
bill payments- the monthly bills are due. house. home. department of water and power. spend the power. spend the money. worry. i need to eventually buy eyeglasses and would 'like to want' a pair of transitional photosensitive lenses in
modo frames. forget it. the photochromatic tint may help to cure a minor vision disturbance, thus improve the quality of my life, but chuck wants a mobile phone. he also requested i accompany him shopping tomorrow for "a few pairs of pants and some shirts for work." what else will he suggest he needs which may only be a want? a lightweight leather jacket may actually be a necessity. the last time we went shopping (we meaning me and my turkish wallet) i tried not to have a heart attack as he placed the second $300 rug in the
ikea shopping cart.
if i had a car payment someone could take me to a hospital. anxiety and fear are on high. i cannot stop obsessing about finances. the racing thoughts are ridiculous but acknowledging the lunacy doesn't yet act to deter their route. bills. anxiety. if the entire world operates in debt, and my monthly bills are based on what i used for the previous month-- what's the problem?
consider how people sign on to long term automobile loans. after four years of payments, and now driving a four year old car, these people carry on. they don't break down in worry. they don't find themselves in a state of panic that they are still making payments for a car which is now old. they just pay the bill. when the loan comes due in full, these people can silently celebrate the few months between the next loan contract.
note: i have no car payment.
consider: perhaps, it is not at all bad today.
