[ flagrant ]

seven pairs of shoes from zappos.com were delivered to the front door this afternoon. puma, mephisto, arche, and aside from one tragic pair of clarks, they are all perfect. what happened to the clarks brand and reputation? their quality has dramatically declined in the last few years, and as a brand, i am apt to be embarrassed of the brand rather than recommend their company. man made materials? everyone goes cheap, eventually.

had this shoe order been placed before adhering to a gluten-free diet, i would have missed speedy delivery guy due to the nervousness involved in waiting to sign for the package. tomorrow would have included cycles of obsession and compulsion related to the anally precise units of money spent. the cat would have heard me snidely mention the discounted shoes were trashy, only to be worn in the dark, and of how i still had nothing to wear. those thoughts (plus the horrible shoes, being never allowed to buy nice, expensive, or more than one pair) would work to restrict normal or social situations outside of my home.

since i have begun this allergy elimination diet and have been intricately controlling various ingredients, it seems as though an 'internal anxiety switch' or 'drive' has been thrown off its normal track. something deep inside, but that which i cannot articulate, is calm. a jumpiness exists, yet an alternate streak has been turned off. obsessions and compulsions seem meaningless, rather than 'issues which need an immediate amount of nonsensical attention.'

today it is obvious that the indecision, structure, and its subsequent chaos i deal with disrupts life too much-- and that gluten intolerance (or variety of allergic component) is the catalyst. as is typical, the intensity of the problem was not noted until it ended. this blog entry, for example, romances an order placed for shoes. have i honestly not been able to secure basic items for life without enduring conflict? if i am typing about it now, then perhaps yes. the question is, how to continue focusing on the emotion behind that romance?

the success of online shopping and an allowance to keep for myself is huge-- but it feels small, and as though it should have always been this easy.

re: following a gluten-free disciplined diet the last few days.

the unassailable doubt and electric insistence is dead, meaning the core or libido (?) of my problem is off, and without it spectrum disorders cannot begin. [sorry, i don't have the words.] it is sort of lonely (?) to maintain a calm (?) and not be preoccupied with unyielding noise (?). it feels as though the endless reaching and static (?) which stemmed from the initial urgency (?) was a necessary dissociation (?).

now what happens if i do have celiac disease? what does this mean? will following a strict gluten free diet make me more susceptible to reactions from minuscule amounts of wheat or other cross contaminated foods?

people are fickle, i thought.
- because i am
- that's what i have had to draw from.
loudly maintain: i hold such a vast openness!
[tell people everything but never really let them know.]
mumble, smirk, then sing: tsk, you must just not be listening...
consider: save my vigilante routine for third world port cities.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You are completely, admirably motivated. Your industrious attitude is contagious, and those around you will realize there is simply no room for slacking. There is money to be made and valuable service to be rendered.

later, an e-mail suggests i was born under the astrological sign of sagittarius.

a newspaper horoscope offers a trait-based, one size fits all approach. not all sun sign virgos are obsessive compulsive, are they? which sign isn't sentimental, sensitive, and inventive? if looked at from an entertainment standpoint, or for superstitious value, why not choose to adapt your day to any horoscope listed?

are we live? yeah?
rant: need to fire this hosting service.
[scrunches up face]
- purchased a yearly package with them for another website on monday.
thunk!
- random photo link should now work.

the world opened up and i am surrounded by friends.
last week i would have referred to them as occasional instances of apprehensive frustration or threatening situations and also thought those people must feel somehow obligated if needing to contact or mention me.
today that nonsense no longer exist and those people are simply: friends.
i honestly thought they were just watching and waiting for me to trip up and that is why i stopped writing about subjects which were important to record.
they were waiting to laugh at me, thus now there are missing pieces.
it no longer needs to be that way.

greed says: "did you buy every share of ABCD that we could afford last week?"
flagrant says: "eye still own a big chunk of that from months ago."
greed says: "sell the cars!!!"
greed says: "sell the cat!!!"
greed says: "sell the cat's food, your hair, some plasma, and buy more!"
flagrant thinks: and then check its trading price three times a minute all year?
flagrant thinks: how will eye do that while out on myflagrant mountain bike?
flagrant says: "no, eye don't think so."

a request: hotel recommendations for two nights in dublin.

i have no issue with the class of service and would like to stay in an interesting hotel located within the city limits of the city.

ordinarily when i find myself in ireland, i am invited to stay with a family in their limerick home. the problem with accepting the limerick invitation is that my arrival tends to summon the circus. it also requires an early morning two hour commute by train to return to dublin.

this family is a complete riot as the two bathroom home houses grandparents, aunts, uncles, a pregnant woman or two, barking dogs, usually a boarder or two, and 24 hour high-volume sports television programs. they also have 12 children whose ages range between teens to early thirties. in any state of mind or ability, i completely fit in but certainly never go unnoticed.

on the last visit, five people insisted on collecting me and my luggage from the shannon airport in the world's smallest car-- no one seemed to think this scrunched situation was unusual. they went on to assert that being from the united states i MUST be craving a big mac from mcdonald's after such long flights. [they were completely serious.] their world becomes a flurry of nonstop action. i can never answer all questions because six or seven people always talk to me at the same time and follow me around from room to room. it is similar to a living-room convention where their neighbors stop by specifically to meet me, relatives have returned early from work and they have brought their co-workers with them as they had stressed the need to be introduced. the clown cars of people coming and going to gawk at the foreigner become rule while she tries to juggle several heavily accented conversations about pop culture, balance a plate of boiled carrots made just for her, answer questions and give opinions about politics, say mmmm, while she looks at this, and demonstrates that. my photograph is taken with everyone on their street, twice usually "just to make sure it turns out"."

my arrival is a big party and is always very fun, but as you can imagine, i have done my best to ignore the fact these people exist over the last few years. it's very easy, usually, to live in los angeles and avoid a family living in limerick. there should be no problem this time-- i don't feel shy enough to ignore them. the intention is to visit, but not sleep there. i am actually looking forward to it but still will need a decent place to stay in dublin.

how in the heck am i supposed to get all of this work done when it is a nice day and i am lacking the requisite mental illness needed to coop me up indoors? [repeat.] tomorrow, it has already been decided, i am driving to mexico with a super-8 camera, sunscreen... if you were my assistant, you would have 17 hours to translate two legal forms into spanish and have copies made... spend the night or be ready and waiting in my kitchen at 6am.

- drove shiny51 with the top down in the sun.
- gluten-free banana boat sunscreen eliminated all previous triggers.
- zilch, none, zero.
- no itching, rashes, facial breakouts, or tiny whiteheads, either.

- decided on selling shiny51 as it is an unfortunate death-trap.
- several scary near misses from other drivers since its purchase.
- the color- do other drivers just not see it until the last second?

- already replaced all four tires and had it aligned twice.
- the bumper cover is loose and rattles- fear it may fall off.
- it also has lifter noise, cracking trim, and clutch problems.
- this tt quattro roadster is only four months old.

- but damn, its luxurious baseball leather interior is lovely.

- could i deal with the people and paperwork involved in selling it?
- no social phobias today.
- no agoraphobia, no anxiety.

- a lamborghini diablo and a porsche gt-2 were ahead of me at a traffic light.
- you know, if i was that stupid i would choose a 2005 mercedes slr roadster.

at risk of sounding like an idiot or appearing impervious to world ailments:
it is the nicest day in the world.

yesterday i received several e-mails sent to the anorexorcism address, most of which were originally sent weeks ago, and unfortunately this delay makes it appear that i have been ignoring everyone including dan from ashman's blog since january. well, not on purpose.

earlier this afternoon i somehow snapped a large piece of framing glass with my thumbs, shattering the entire pane in the process. i noticed the subsequent disgust from another person, managed the disaster, and went home in tears of embarrassment.

i mumbled to myself all of the way about how bad that feeling of humiliation was, how i should not have to deal with any terrible emotions ever, these things don't happen to me, and so on... this went on for hours. i even tried blaming feelings and tears on having eaten too much sodium during the week and wanted to convince myself that my body might just need to cry due to nitrates, invisible water retention, or some other cereal box science- it must be physical.

i wanted to go to my real home, craved a replacement for the pain, but most of all i wanted my mother and i was willing to drive endless nights and over 2000 miles to beg to live permanently in her basement. this is funny considering that i have neither wanted my mother's assistance nor affection any previous time in my life. yep, i was moving home, a failure without direction... but i would show them! with my moral turpitude and a parental structure, i could finish current projects, gain the esteem to move out and get back into that old line of high dollar work, handle it this time, and then since people would see me on billboards: i could *be* somebody.

rather, what actually happened next was that i was insulted through an e-mail and the room faded to a strange ultraviolet hum because the sun blew up.

brain said: "why should you never be embarrassed?"
flagrant said: "i plan, obsess, and therefore never make mistakes and am never seen doing anything wrong."
brain said: "occasional embarrassment is a part of DAILY LIFE."
brain said: "you get to experience a little bit of everything now. this is good."
brain said: "...and the e-mail was not an insult. it was only a perspective."
brain said: "it wasn't spite or directed hatred.. quite the opposite."
brain said: "if that person did not care greatly, it would not have been attempted."
fact: and it was over.
note: just like that.
consider: where is the voice which should be telling me to warp these situations into perfect excuses to say indoors, go on a disability stipend, beat myself, starve, and die a pale and atrophied death?

tonight i feel genuinely happy. i suppose today consisted of nothing unusual to anyone else, but it feels as though i have lived through one of the greatest days in my life and it could have never happened had i been protected from life or truth.

sitting behind the steering wheel while waiting at a traffic light after running some errands, a man wearing a chicken bucket on his head and an ill-fitting purple dress on his defeated body crossed the street in front of where my car idled. a few blocks down at the next light, i watched a woman who easily was six times the size of me, get out of her parked car and manage her way to the nearest parking meter where she helped herself up onto the curb.

fact: 32 seconds ago eye found myflagrantself lost on road 82.
note: eye'd never point anything but bent fingers.
consider: is that somewhere near tacoma?
note: hope so, 'cos the only spanish word eye know is mexico.

this is going to be a very hard time.
unsure: why this eye know.
unsure: why this will be allowed to happen.
unsure: what exactly people think illness is?
fact: the majority of it is the thinking process, not the warped actions.
if people are clueless, they should not include flagrantme until they catch on because eye would rather be excluded than as upset as eye am now.

it is nice to be pissed off enough to go without food.
12 more weeks of nothing, please.
faster! faster!
"give it to me! give me everything you don't have!"

i wish i was dead.

why do i let other people's idiocy ruin my ~~life~~ demeanor?

[this entire day was allowed to be wasted.]

fact: frail is insulting.
fact: frail is let's keep her in her place.
fact: frail is i read one post, like, everrrr, when she was upset.
fact: frail is a label one may use to render their own situation valuable.
note: frail was the original goal.

it's just that one day you have to stop obsessing about every tiny issue and just do, but when that day finally arrives it seems that someone summons a crowd to peer behind you... one of those amplified bullhorns is used to announce to the cumulative blindness where you have traveled rather than what is ahead. nothing matters, you will always be tethered to was.

if i had an assistant, right now that individual would be researching which margarine has the brightest yellow color as it is essential for use in the aforementioned loopy painting.

after i read the word FAT on another blog i refused to read further and you should have too.

blogger #1 is packing up and moving to mars.
blogger #F is packing up and moving to england for three weeks.
blogger #24 has nothing to do.
blogger #3 should avoid drinking water bottled in flimsy, light blue plastic containers.

rather than pissing and moaning that all new cars i would enjoy are unaffordable, or shelling out too much money for a labor intensive john cooper works package, i am just going to sell the superstitious shiny51 roadster, run a 75 shot of nitrous in my MINI cooper S and at least act VERY VERY HAPPY.

chuck says: "what?! you'll blow the heads right off that car!"
flagrant says: "it's a supercharged four cylinder. it only has one."
flagrant says: "and to quote the brochure, 'this nitrous system is very simple--no buttons to push or counting to ten to avoid blowing up the motor.'"

- the fraudulent 25 minute art project is set out on the table.
brilliant friend says: "is this painting done?"
flagrant says: "i think so."
brilliant friend says: "i think so, too."
- the guilt factor no longer exists.

i don't want to ever: anything/everything/nothing.
[waves hands]
throw all of these plans away.

[sit here]
what have i done?
i cannot do three years worth of work independently!
no structure
[learn structure]
goal: everything damn well better be done before the third week of june.
or i fail.
consider: that will not happen... not allowed.
note: fluttery heartbeat, potential, etc...

one embarrassingly stupid art job took less than 25 minutes.
is that cheating?
i had set aside almost an entire month for this project.
... but it is done and not going to be revisited.
why will this paycheck feel like fraud?

now what?
[sit here]
painting? or website updates? or legal research?
where can i find inexpensive glass vials for product distribution?
i would rather go OUT and DO something.
no way do i want to work at home.

question: if a director wants to use one of these loopy paintings in the background of a scene in a film, how much do i charge for that? am i supposed to GIVE it to him and be happy to be acknowledged?

problem: i find some of these recent finished creations acceptable and do not want to send them off to other people no matter what they pay... made a mistake in the beginning of the first project over commission/licensing images. understandable, i hated myself then.

are you an insomniac attorney specializing in business law?
great, let's get married.

[go to 7-11]
buy protein sports nutrition bar.
[return home]
yep, i do not want live my DAILY LIFE indoors.

[sigh]
i'm taking tomorrow off.

forgive flagrantme father, for eye have sinned. it has been one day, eighty-three songs, and 2250 frequent flyer miles since myflagrant last confession. today eye ordered seven pairs of shoes- but wait, eye have excuses ranging from the fact that eye'm a female dork who lives in the land of fashionistas and desperately needs shoes, to the cat scratched up myflagrant most comfortable pair of slides, and someone like flagrantme now needs decent pairs of neutral and black shoes for a variety of well-dressed occasions. as long as myflagrant actions clearly do not interfere with other people, excuses should not be required.

daily since deciding that eye am just one of many and probably unnoticed, eye've had to go somewhere and except for the day when eye had symptoms of a future emergency room visit, all events were seen through to fruition. eye even washed the car at the spray-it-yourself place.

question one: where do you go when you WANT to get out of the house but you do not NEED to purchase anything and you have a history of not going out any old time you please to even seek out calories for DAILY LIFE or lighthearted entertainment?

answer: invalid friend had a towel with a hole it in and another one of his was starting to fray on the edge so eye drove to the store, bought him a stack of nearly identical replacements, and tossed out those towels he has owned since college (1990). eye figure that solved myflagrant boredom, slightly improved the quality of his stuff, and eye got to practice DAILY LIFE.

eye also have 500 questions about cars which will have to wait due to myflagrant ability to currently only remember three of them. it's spring, aurrghh! new car fever. sticker shock therapy. repeat as needed next march.

but didn't you just buy a new ca---
stop giving flagrantme grief.

question two: if you found out TODAY that you had been diagnosed with, oh say... coronary heart disease and you needed to change your life, probably would not live as long as originally scheduled, realized that you had never yet been to cuba or finished an ultratriathlon, milked a cow, or tasted placenta and it shocked you into acting differently because your time was running out, how would you live?

answer: life would be pretty darn good as eye would no longer have to wait in any regard. what is the point of acquiring over a million frequent flyer miles if one waits to use them? why wait five or ten more years to do something BIG or expensive? things would change. certainly. eye'd use myflagrant resources and potential, but also would worry incessantly as to whether or not eye'd cross into the territory of no one else matters. silly flagrantme, eye think eye am going to die but then do just the opposite of other people: eye go out and accept many job opportunities rather than refusing everything.

are you trying to tell us that you ---
not even close but eye do write about what has been ping-ponging around in myflagrant head... eye used to over-exercise and eat leaves since elementary school, now eye just lounge around on the floor and do myflagrant boa constrictor impression. trust me, recently eye feel like something is seriously wrong, beyond doom- or eye'm pregnant. myflagrant cholesterol level used to be well under 100 total but what if it has skyrocketed to over 400 points merely through adhering to nutritional directions? a person cannot stop obsessive workouts and begin to occasionally keep in foods without altering those levels. worry and worry, numbers and aspects of measurement. the world won't listen but they wouldn't understand 'NOTHING' anyway.

yes
DAILY LIFE
fine.

i will go out
pay the utility bill
respond to blog e-mail
update my hair color
and buy a mountain bike this week.

fact: NERVOUS MAN is again rearranging flagrant's plants without permission.
- a von's grocery cart filled with his WHOKNOWSWHAT is parked nearby.
- mutterings are heard.
fact: flagrant lives a BORING LIFE INDOORS.
note: she is ABLE TO GO OUTSIDE today yet has nowhere to go.

flagrant thinks: myflagrant ocd could easily beat up NERVOUS MAN's ocd.
- fingerparts curl around metal as flagrant smoothly slides open the gate.
NERVOUS MAN says: "hi."
- flagrant says NOTHING.
note: NERVOUS MAN 0, flagrant 1

NERVOUS MAN says: "eye'm alright, thanks."
flagrant gasps, and thinks: ahh!
note: NERVOUS MAN: 1, flagrant 1

- flagrant again says NOTHING.
- obsessive compulsive arranging rituals with flagrant's plants resume.
- sunshine is felt on faceparts.
- DAYLIGHT UV RAY PHOBIA is considered.

fear/anxiety say: "c'mon, c'mon, get back inside. let's go!"

fact: flagrant lacks TACT.
flagrant says: "do you need some medication?"
note: NERVOUS MAN 1, flagrant 2
note: this nasty sentence was meant to be compassionate.
NERVOUS MAN says: "no."

- entryway decorative foliage is relocated to his standard mental fashion.
- footparts beg to tap to symbolize impatience.
- flagrant considers an endearing man who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
- fingerparts caress over the gate's hand-forged wrought iron texture.
- flagrant contemplates planting non-invasive bamboo.
- or possibly picking up some printer ink at staples.
- or walking under the BRIGHTLIGHTS down to the beach this afternoon.

pathway to the ocean

NERVOUS MAN says: "please stop looking and watching me like that!"
note: NERVOUS MAN 2, flagrant 2

- TACT is considered.
- flagrant slides gate shut and returns to BORING LIFE INDOORS.

[-something written here about slowly and successfully beginning to overcome los angeles agoraphobia through repeated truths... how i have been such an idiot thinking i am healthy enough to manage working exhausting weekends in the uk... how my weekdays will reside in california and be filled with illustrations, publishing, and an occasional television commercial/promo work... how last week i felt bad enough to consider having my life insurance policy readjusted... how tweaking insurance benefits interfered with seeing a doctor...]

so how does one go about purchasing a car in the uk? i need one, rental costs are exorbitant, i have a place to keep it garaged, etc... there is not enough time in a day to write down the multitude of questions i have concerning this issue. even if i were to just pay for the car in full, and i would rather not, i don't know where to find the answers to questions about tax/title/registration for a non-citizen. some information is online, but i am neither moving to the uk full time nor changing visa status. insurance? that appears to be rather impossible or quadruple the regular price and i would need to secure a uk drivers license before obtaining any coverage. what about the petty issues like image? which car? all of the model/makes are different and i have yet to form opinions. have you seen the exchange rate!? what is the perfect choice? what about reliability? maybe i would not save money by purchasing and should just forget it... or maybe this is another distraction.

whatever- it will have to fix itself.

i am not writing because i am in a lot of physical pain.
there is humor there, somewhere.

[los angeles]
a second similarly obscene and overindulgent weekend in a row is now over.

[london, england]
elsewhere, hotel, gloom, etc...

why do i receive phenomenal prizes whenever little efforts are made on my part?

while i grumbled and reluctantly handed over too many large denomination bills, invalid friend saved the day. it took all of thirty minutes for the tires to be installed, and while we waited chuck tried to hit me up for a jamis mountain bike at the shop next door. if not for receiving another blogger's mood alterating and loopy e-mail earlier this afternoon, i might still be pacing around the house waiting for the perfect time to go outside.

fact: roadster still has serious tire problem and loosened bumper skirt.
- bumper skirt may just be one bolt and some dirty fingers.
- appears easy.
consider: clip underneath may be broken.
- tire situation = phone calls + price checks + availability + appointment
- tire situation = (going + doing + daylight + normal clothes) x (lingering + public)
- four new tires are going to be a minimum of $450 - $500.
note: non-performance cars should not need $500 in tires.
- roadster = oil change + spark plugs + wiper blades + vacuumed
flagrant thinks: no, forget it. let's trade it in on something else.
brain says: "you can't publish that sentence on this blog!"
flagrant thinks: why dump any money into a car eye don't like?
- ponder! possibilities! greed! laziness!
- flagrant prices SPECIFIC NEW CAR MODEL online.
greed says: "just pick the options you want and add it all up."
flagrant says: "yeah! eye'll get what eye WANT this time."
flagrant says: "it's just money and eye NEED to spend for a reason to earn."
- car is nimble.
- car is quick.
- MSRP is inexpensive.
fact: the actual dealer selling price is several thousand dollars over MSRP.
note: flagrant always feels screwed if paying over DEALER INVOICE.
dealer says: "you won't find any models at MSRP in california."
fact: SPECIFIC NEW CAR MODEL in specific color is not available anywhere.
note: actually flagrant found two priced at double MSRP.
- boggle!
- and they both lack premium and sport packages.
- recoil!
flagrant says: "but eye'm supposed to want and have."
- disappointment.
- sulk.
consider: why is this flippant ridiculous idea such a letdown?
fact: FEAR keeps whispering about the tires.
- roadster will not be leaving the driveway except to go to the tire place.
note: looking at new overpriced cars online was a nice distraction.
note: it is invalid friend's day off.
brain says: "perfect. tell him to call for actual tire prices and a time to arrive."
flagrant should say: "hey chuck, get on the phone so we can get the tires done."
- NOTHING is said.
- heart palpitations! nerves! books! cats! blogs!
anxiety says: "eye'm going to kill you but it may take a week."
- breathing is erratic.
flagrant thinks: there is no reason to be alive if eye cannot live.

fact: tire is cracked, steel belt is showing through, etc...
note: tire problem is not from avoiding LIFE and its responsibilities.
dad says: "get that goddamn tire off of your car! go get it done."
flagrant thinks: how valid would myflagrant suicidal intentions be then, eh?
flagrant thinks: eye'm not spending $500 more on a car eye would rather not own.

how embarrassing to be NOT FIRST.
how will you cope?
you, not me.
found, a problem not on my pile.

however wrong, glad to be nobody else.

bad times.

someone should kill me: bashed to death would be good.
fraud: i would prolly scream ouch.
turn it around.
practice: saying mmmmmm... instead.
existence: pointless.

warning warning: meltdown.
surprise surprise: i do not have the ability to negotiate a tire purchase.
and now: nothing.

brother + divorce = interesting possibilities
(me + sit here) x (jealousy + hopelessness) = suicidal depression
what might he do? + what if it's grand? = flagrant motivation + socialization

note: brother is unaware of any competition.

telephone rings + answer it = job offer #4 in battambang cambodia
telephone rings + answer it = job offer #5 in xian china

note: always try to answer the telephone.

the day my business affords itself, me, plus i can finally hire a dedicated assistant and pay that person a living wage, sub/ver/sion gets the job. no doubt in my mind.

... 15 minutes before yesterday ended (a day which was pretty damn good until it was jinxed by a previous blog entry) i needed to go out and it was then i noticed steel belts showing through my tires and also a loosened bumper skirt on shiny51. it's as though my destiny is to drive the perpetually parked candy bar contest MINI cooper ("the hershey bar car"). tonight while parked at the ralph's store at white oak, a woman screamed her car into the parking space next to me and then slammed on the accelerator rather than braking to a stop. she managed to smash into a concrete barrier but alas, did not continue to drive through the wall and into the store. i sat in awe about 15 feet away from her, paralyzed for a few seconds and half scared to move, watching her rev the engine trying to get unstuck. very strange.

ok, i don't want to jinx anything but will risk it. there are two hours remaining of this tuesday but it got pretty good after deciding that certainly i cannot be reincarnated into owen meany in ill-fitting drag again for my next life... so i must just endure the horrible situation for now:
- went shopping for furniture.
- decided that ikea sells crap and i want van der Rohe furniture.
- found out my vision is REALLY nearsighted from staying indoors.
- managed to get to the art store for adequate rather than cheap watercolor paper.
- bought clothes at four different stores.
- managed two fast food restaurants and did not eat to please my companion.
- did two target runs for incidentals and bought chuck some socks.
- went to a grocery store and waited ten minutes to pay for four grapefruit.
- rented six documentary dvds.
- drove around in the car and didn't run over or kill any dogs!

rule: i will not be devastated.

i want to tell you... [six sentences about flying to minnesota and connecting on to nowheresville go here... anxiety... how it's not even june which is when i will go... fear and death... airfares purchased to places i don't want to be... how much trauma there was after visiting with motherfigure in costa rica... general disappointment and anger...]

... an upcoming trip to afghanistan/central asia and my pineapple head is only concerned with breaking in some shoes prior to departure.

another one-line e-mail from motherfigure: take me to london.
confirmed: belated psychic.

whatsa likka?
i may not want to know.
hello?
no, not the mutnik laika.
am i talking to myself again?
apparently.

1) jesus christ on a bike, it's like 97'F outside.
2) my dreams sound similar to radiovoxpopuli.
3) a two pound pork shank? it exists.

fact: flagrant has and understands obsessive compulsive disorder.
fact: contrary to popular belief, flagrant is not psycho but loves the potential threat.
- flower pots are purchased, delivered, filled, arranged, and watered.
- gate entry looks nice.
flagrant says: "eye'll buy plastic plants before eye pay for a gardener."
note: no, not really.

[next day:]
brilliant friend says: "go out and rearrange the plants as they were yesterday."
flagrant thinks: eye have no problem with him paying for a gardener.
note: all plants have somehow been moved into one single stupid-looking line.
- they rearrange the heavy, gigantic plant pots back to an appealing setting.
brilliant friend says: "now leave 'em alone!"
flagrant says: "but eye didn't--"
brilliant friend says: "mm-hmmmm..."

[later:]
fact: it was a dark and stormy night.
- thump! thud! thump!
note: thump is not to be confused with THWUMP, a reliable coping mechanism.
brilliant friend says: "oooohh, new surroundings. scary new noises..."
flagrant says: "woo-ooohhh the plants are out moving around."

[next day:]
- the plant pots are again lined up perfectly in one ridiculous ugly row.
flagrant thinks: see why eye don't go for those drugs people feed their plants?
- plants are then properly rearranged.
note: gigantic plant pots with soil possibly weigh one hundred pounds each.

note: a few days pass without incident.
- brilliant friend departs for scandinavia on united airlines.
- invalid friend and flagrant spend too much time on klm royal dutch.

[today:]
fact: flagrant and invalid friend return home broke but renewed and sassy.
note: there is a NERVOUS MAN currently rearranging flagrant's plants.
- a von's grocery store shopping cart holds a collection of his WHOKNOWSWHAT.
- flagrant and invalid friend agree they had been enjoying the mystery.
invalid friend says: "do you want me to handle this?"
- NERVOUS MAN wobbles a huge pot for leverage and rolls it into the single file.
- flagrant says NOTHING.
- NERVOUS MAN notices arrival and begins to collect his WHOKNOWSWHAT.
- invalid friend opens gate and disappears inside.
- flagrant grants NERVOUS MAN perpetual eye contact but refuses to blink.
NERVOUS MAN says: "hello."
- flagrant again says NOTHING.
NERVOUS MAN says: "hi."
- NERVOUS MAN begins to leave.
consider: dead man walking?
ocd says: no! no! no! the plants are all wrong. everything is out of place.
flagrant says: "GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!"
- NERVOUS MAN actually stops walking.
flagrant thinks: hoppin' christ! eye'd run!
- massive overacting gestures are made.
- one hand on hip.
- one arm points at NERVOUS MAN.
- that arm then sweeps toward the plant pots.
flagrant says: "this is not right."
flagrant says: "don't ever do a half-assed job."
flagrant says: "it's one way or the other. fix this."
- gate opens and flagrant disappears inside.
- NERVOUS MAN returns to the ritualistic single file line-up.
- flagrant sits on the bathroom floor with anxiety after pacing around the house.
fact: the plants will be rearranged the flagrant way tomorrow.
note: if NERVOUS MAN left his plant rituals half finished his other symptoms could potentially be much worse today.
consider: how long until NERVOUS MAN returns to disrupt myflagrant plants?

compromise:
my kids are not allowed to scream in public, neither are yours.

[le meridien hotel munich, germany]

fact: locks on hotel doors always click 30 times louder than normal.
- lightning crashes! a puff of smoke! what's that stench?
- lurching through the hallway is ARCH ENEMY.

flagrant thinks: ah, crap.
invalid friend says: "where are you going?"

- a surreptitious sweeping glance stops to linger on his diesel shoes.
- a large hotel housekeeping cart is blocking the right escape.
- to the left and down is HOTEL LOBBY and POTENTIAL FOR EMBARRASSMENT.
consider: POTENTIAL FOR EMBARRASSMENT could be next week's hilarity.
- trapdoor is nowhere to be found.

rule: when under BRIGHTLIGHTS one must be prepared in triplicate.

flagrant says: "did you need more towels?"
invalid friend says: "no. where are you going?"

flagrant says: "some soap?"
invalid friend says: "no. where are you going?"

flagrant says: "a copy of der spiegel? fanta orange soda? milka or a bailey's special ritter sport square...?"

- frown! suspect!
- the smell is danger!

invalid friend says: "you were ditching me!?"
flagrant says: "hmmm..."

flagrant says: "well, how about an enormous two pound pork-shank?"

*ding*

flagrant says: "served on a platter with grapefruit-sized herb dumplings?"

*ding*

flagrant says: "augustiner's restaurant and beer hall...?".
invalid friend says: "okay."

- to the left and down is the right escape from bitter and lonely plans.

[munich, germany]

- flights: heathrow - amsterdam - munich
- another hotel suite.
plan:
- wander city streets until dark.
- exhibit false marvel at passing commotion.
- return bitter and chilled.
- scrawl sarcasm onto stationery.
- consider how to steal a van der rohe brno chair.
- read telephone book.
- drowned out loneliness with bubble jets.
- stare at the ceiling from soapy tub.
- set wristwatch.
- set alarm clock and place it on mattress.
- set automatic telephone wake-up call.
- set travel alarm.
- set sonic alert.
- sit on bed.
- wait.

when will the lingering sound of the dying dog go away?

[k-west hotel, london]

fact: bad things happen.
fact: very bad things happen.
- involving life.
- involving blood.
- involving that sound of pain.

flagrant buries face into hotel towel and screams: "mmmpphh!!!"
consider: is one to maneuver around stupidity or hit it straight on?

flagrant says: "oh myflagrant god oh myflagrant god oh myflagrant god."
- nausea! flurry! shock! concern!

invalid friend says: "it was just someone's dumb old dog!"
invalid friend says: "what the hell is wrong with people?"
- there is a 75% chance of involuntary vomiting this morning.
- vodafone uk telephone service is pissing off invalid friend.
invalid friend says: "animal control is closed."

- flagrant is pacing around the room with both hands covering her mouth.
invalid friend says: "eye don't know if eye should mention breakfast?"
- obsession! annoyance! scurry! fret!

flagrant thinks: doesn't he know it's the end of the world?

[los angeles]
- leather carry-on sits by door.
- 958472 crisp letters of credit worthiness have been secured.
- designer suit is packed.
anxiety says: "does the suiting fit?"
flagrant says: "why wouldn't it fit?"
- THWUMP!
- cat is fed.
flagrant giggles: "eye have to fly to the bank today."
- upgrade has processed.
- boarding pass is printed.
- just go.

- keep faking.
- keep faking.
- grit teeth.
pick up phone and say: i'm fine. doing well. how are you?
brain says: "ha ha ha, liar!"
- hold on.
it may happen...

it is good to be sick of yourself. since changing attitudes recently, not only have i changed residence without incident and scheduled international banking appointments, but i also went out on sunday. stemming from that small amount of socialization, i am being solicited for three different jobs, all of which i can do. [two are book illustrations and the other is a minor directing stint.] now i need to find an assistant, specifically one lacking in sweetness who can say yes to people without sounding eager, and understands that "not today" never means to ask me again later on the same afternoon. wanted, one assistant who can read my mind from across town and wants to get paid a lot to do practically nothing except make some phone calls. must not smoke. must have a clue. must drive a maintained vehicle. must have a united states passport and be happy to fill it up for free. just last week depression was making it difficult for me to live.

him: bruised ego.
me: bored with it all.
to him: "worthless jerk."
to me: "material bitch."

huh?

rule: when fighting, one must use comprehensible insults.

i don't care how pretty you are
or were.
you are not allowed to throw rocks at my new car.

Hopeless, it's not hopeless
Doubtful, but not hopeless.

i. am. unable. to. calm. down.

in my world, prompt payments should equal reliable web hosting.

ack! two screaming white trash posts in a row.
unless you thought H was cool...?

note: mania and wonky omission today.

for lack of a better definition, a friend of mine who has been rotting in a drug rehabilitation facility for over the last several months is about to have his first 'take home' opportunity. this means he will be given 'take home' dosages of his medications and have two days without supervision.

note to self: perform vanishing act.
note to world: i am not available this week.

my brother has a restraining order issued against him and cannot go near his wife or her father. since her father is my brother's employer, he cannot go to work without violating the law. apparently it has been noted in his file at work that he has quit. since he appears to have quit, but really did not, he cannot file for unemployment insurance benefits and is surely screwed.

does this sound correct? just because he is a jackass and is having legal problems does not eliminate his rights. can his employer legally and simply define his job status? maybe i will call the labor board. why do i care? if it were my situation, i would be overwhelmed with anxiety and let the situation slide out of hand. why do i always fight for someone else? had my brother a passport i would drag him with me this week. could you imagine? down on your luck, with no current job, the wife hates you, and enduring life with overbearing parents is bringing on a craving for alcohol... the phone rings and it's your sister saying that she has to go to europe this week and has a ticket for you since she knows you probably need some air. ulterior motive? me?

why oh why is it impossible to set up foreign bank accounts from this desk? now not only do i get to lurch over to the library tomorrow and also glare at shrek behind the postal counter, there is the opportunity to practice composure throughout another transatlantic flight.

not: tomorrow. now!
not: make an appointment and then file paperwork.
not: waste time on an airplane.

now: before i have time to reconsider every nervous possibility.
i know the drill: letters of credit from current lenders, a hefty opening deposit, hair and dna samples, walk the length of this tight-rope, jump through three flaming hoops on one leg. there should be a proctor/representative for opening foreign accounts just like there is with obtaining multiple entry russian business visas: you grumble about paying the agency fee but then a few weeks later a big envelope with everything you need is delivered to your mailbox.

plans made = elevated mood
elevated mood = return to life
return to life = socialize
socialize = job offer

i wish you would just go away.
i wish you would just end.

flagrant

Tuesday, March 30

Monday, March 29

Saturday, March 27

Friday, March 26

Thursday, March 25

Tuesday, March 23

Monday, March 22

Sunday, March 21

Saturday, March 20

Thursday, March 18

Tuesday, March 16

Sunday, March 14

Saturday, March 13

Thursday, March 11

Wednesday, March 10

Tuesday, March 9

Sunday, March 7

Saturday, March 6

Friday, March 5

Thursday, March 4

Wednesday, March 3

Tuesday, March 2

Monday, March 1