flagrant

the airline tickets for flights between singapore and bangkok from the zuji travel office arrived in record time, i picked up my sewn-in supplemental passport pages from the los angeles federal building without any problem, and have written out a half-assed skeleton of a trip itinerary. the chosen travel route is listed not in an effort to flaunt, but for family members should i disappear. [this trip no longer looks like three relaxing weeks of scuba diving off the island of bali.] the cat has invalid friend to act as a live-in pet sitter, and i am set to fly.

[breathe]

okay, off to cambodia!

note: chuck's boss has been fired.

i am stressed out tremendously, having not yet received an essential airline ticket in the mail. everything else, referring to the airline confirmations and flight portions of this upcoming trip, is serene.

the ticket i am waiting on is for a flight which departs singapore's changi airport and is bound for bangkok. this flight/ticket is to be used next wednesday morning. the computer system which arranges these type of things obviously is not programmed to know that if the customer lives in los angeles, they would need to depart the usa sunday night to arrive into singapore by wednesday morning (to utilize that airline ticket). to the system, it may look as though i am able to receive mail right up to the business day before the ticket is valid- next tuesday. my last business day before departing for singapore is this friday as i leave on sunday night.

i considered how this missing ticket could be a useful diversion and perhaps even healthy. the freedom could make for an interesting trip. i might just let it go. what if i avoid this impending hassle of international phone calls, and having arrived into singapore without an onward ticket, decide to board a train to whoknowswhere? i already paid for the ticket and planned the journey. there is a schedule to adhere to, going with the flow costs more, and financial chaos drives me crazy.

i phoned. it was easy.
the customer service representative was completely understanding.
[fantastic singaporean customer service.]
of course, this was easy! singaporeans have brains and can comprehend the concept of the international dateline.

apparently the airline ticket will depart the zuji.com office (singapore's version of travelocity.com) for delivery immediately and is now due to arrive at my doorstep on friday mornin. as fear thought, it had been set to arrive next tuesday. i am still a little tense and will be until the envelope arrives and contents are confirmed.

i cannot believe i still need to blog myself through the minor processes of this trip. why am i doing this? why am i going there? i'm supposedly going to go and 'find myself' in phnom penh or in the wilds of cambodia? why do i want to go there? what's in phnom penh? people say cambodia is dangerous, but people who have factual knowledged and have traveled there disagree. from now on, i need to discern who it is i choose to listen to. opinions of people who have no experience and have never traveled should have the lowest rank as i look toward what is real.

what will i do if something goes wrong? not handle it? how can i 'not handle' a situation? this is a perpetual concern which never happens. i will board six flights, locate and then board a bus to the city center of bangkok, check into a hotel, and then return to blogger slightly short of breath to say: "ha, so far, no problem."

still stressed out that i need to wander about khao san road to find a travel agent where i can book a "scam bus" ticket to get to angkor wat. if there was an address or name of a specific travel broker or agency this wouldn't be an issue. i don't like just randomly choosing a business in a seedy part of the city. "scam bus" was written because it takes an entire day of slow hell to travel to cambodia, and along the route the minibus is known to stop at restaurants where the drivers have plently of opportunities to make a few commissions off of the travelers. when the "scam bus" finally arrives after dark to its destination in siem reap (a $3/night guest house on an unlit street rather than the main bus station) the minibus driver can make even more commissions. travelers are generally too tired and disoriented to wander around and look for their accommodations and typically decide to stay at that very guest house. i booked an inexpensive room for my first night in cambodia, but chose a slightly better place for the remaining time around siem reap. [if the minibus driver's suggested guest house is in fact clean, safe, and cheaper, then what is the scam? the drivers need to know that scared and wussy travelers without the backpacker philosophy will pay double and are usually prepared to pay triple what was originally allocated for surprise or convenient expenses. the drivers do not gain the deposit lost on the travelers original hotel. they only gain what they charge. not me- i bought a flashlight and have principles plus keep studying the map.]

ready? no. yes. no. definitely. i am not scared, but have a nervous yet excited anxiety. practicing a nasty version of assertiveness today, i raised my voice to a time-warner cable television salesperson. the solicitor ignored my initial response of no, so the phrase "but - i - am - not - interested" was repeated while holding out my arm and counting out the words in time as i extended each finger from my palm. i will not be taken advantage of and it's not going to start now. if i am going to waste my time in talking to people, they are going to hear me.

any khmer bandits that lurk will be quite surprised that this frail american brought along a midnight gymkata obsession. perhaps i can bring this defense down a notch and not be robbed blind. perhaps not.

"...and as you watch the fires overtake your neighborhood, what is going through your mind? you must be filled with fear. we stand here and can only watch the monitor as these flames shoot through your home. what has this whole ordeal done to you?" unthoughtful word for word, taken from a los angeles television newscaster, speaking with a crying homeowner.
it's alright. give it three more hours and the whole so-cal world is going to be a song and dance-less telethon raising money for people who blew off their insurance premiums. i think i just had a phil hendrie moment. it is 85'F, snowing white ash, is as dark outside as nighttime, we just had an earthquake, and i am not yet entertained.

i continually envision having my throat slit by an islander.
obsessive compulsive disorder = great stuff.
thanks, dad. i'll try not to pass it on.

pick axe: a tool for breaking new ground.

i am filled with a completely irrational rage as right now i want to smash the television, chop down a beautiful tree, and yodel some snow patrol lyrics... but of course i am only going to be sitting here with a serene smile and quiet hands.

tomorrow insists that inferiority complex needs to be beaten, for i am to go out and 'do' daylight, 405 traffic, customer service clerks, and government workers. this amounts to a mere one hour and six minutes of worry spent outside of my house, but even calculating it excited nervousness. if one were to subtract the time spent concealed in a vehicle or protected inside the wilshire federal building, the direct agoraphobic vastness times out at approximately forty seven seconds. outside-- i won't actually be outside long enough to panic and feel like the most prominent dot on the landscape.

now, how long does social phobia need to poke me? the object of tomorrow is to queue at the will-call line inside the los angeles passport agency at the federal building to collect my amended document. three minutes? six? i have an appointment and so the wait might not be the focus of endurance. there is a walk through security screening system at the main door-- what if it beeps? oh, shut up. stop it.

perhaps the worst is over-- a $60 fee for expedited service has been paid to have supplemental pages added to my passport. due to my habit of spontaneous international travel, the extra pages are essential. had i the time, the passport could have been submitted by mail (where the process would have been done for no additional cost) but i am trying to thwart the financial obsession. this is just a price attached to being me.

statistics show that less than ten percent of american citizens have a passport. since mine is frayed, abused by maniacal rubber stamping, and is essentially a certificate of ability. shouldn't i at least get some kind of cracker-jack magnet or cosmopolitan sticker rather than dreaded red SSSS designation on my boarding passes?

sleep.
disorder.
disorder.
disorder.

overwhelmed with several circular emotions, but after some conversation, i have decided that no longer will i strive towards happiness, and will replace its vocabulary and fallacy with being content.

this month i am traveling where i want for no particular reason, purchasing just about everything i look at for people besides myself, and have enough health and ability to do all of this without worrying that i am compromising another person's life or my own. all of this and i do not feel happy.

i will soon have more health plus a wealth of opportunities. until someone successfully markets a palatable representation of non-fat non-dairy ice cream that does not rely on a base of rice, soy, or beans, this will be all i need for now.

what if i find a volunteer position in cambodia and never return home?
what if an endearing grubby kid latches on to me and calls me mom?
what if i like it?

thumb green plum bruised
eyes down to side
sway a glance
and fall.
yes.
tell me yes.
time has gone all flash
and is running out.

sipadan island- sabah, malaysian borneo

what originally began as lazy weeks of diving and a little bit of relaxation on bali has been properly seasoned, but is getting out of hand. this upcoming trip now includes flights to accommodate diving off of sipadan island, borneo, and a definite decision to travel overland to cambodia after a flight to bangkok. these additions are insane but it is time to get lost (or found, or malaria, or soaked by rain showers, or splattered with gravel all of the bumpy way to siem reap). at the conclusion of this trip, i may be obligated to fly to nowheresville- on a thanksgiving invitation to visit the family. a week after november spawns anorexia the food dictating monster, there will be a vacation to costa rica with motherfigure.

reluctantly, and with frequent flyer miles from my account, motherfigure's flights were booked on a first class ticket to san jose, costa rica. since she never noticed the upgraded flight class, i cancelled it as soon as an economy award, which uses substantially less miles, became available. motherfigure now tells me this new ticket is better because the layover in houston is not nearly as long as on the original ticket. last summer i secured my place as the good kid, three miles higher than my splat-crobatic motocross racing brother, so i need not rub in 'how good it can get' with this trip. motherfigure only boards flights once or twice a year, i am not allowing her the international business first or true first class cabin comparison to coach seating yet.

what if i find out my first solo assignment for that job next year is in jayapura west papua and i just yawn and say in english, "oh good lord are they still routing merpati through ujung pandang and biak?" i want to be bored on my own terms. me, nervous? of course not. i am just filling every waking moment until then with distracting and uncertain occupation... a different dimension from the typical pacing most do.

life was noticeably ridiculous this afternoon. while shopping for underwater housing to fit my new olympus camera, the clerk offered an opinion on where to stay in thailand. i said words that hung in the air long enough to look at, "oh that's my favorite guest house in bangkok! right on the chao praya... i usually stay there." god, kill me.

today i intend on bucking up enough to buy shiny51 (which is an audi tt quattro roadster), an olympus digital camera (with much better resolution than the one i already have), a lonely planet and moon guide book, two rugs from ikea burbank and some bamboo.

except impending doom says that invalid friend chuck will get fired so i should be prepared to pick him up from work today at an odd time. if this should not happen, i am launching an assault to eliminate his manager from their firm early monday morning. ten business days from now, chuck may finally have some good news and like his job.

it's all in the cadence of the phrase and i certainly don't need permission to point towards cambodia, but that bosnia incident from last year still won't die. it doesn't matter that bony arms wave in the air when i say, "sarajevo?! i stayed at the holiday inn for pete's sake!" usually i neglect to mention the visual shelling damage and refuse to proclaim how the hotel is a symbol of resistance- nothing is said that worried types would want to hear. skirting the danger in the outskirts of mostar was apprehensive, sarajevo was not.

last night i gritted my teeth and decided the anxiety disorder is no longer allowed around the subject of this next trip to south east asia, but was then surprised when it did not even balk and instead turned into legitimate excitement.

since i purchased my tickets to asia the other day, i am living in an extended anxiety attack. i want to fit nine different itineraries into a few weeks and cannot manage to arrange them all. i refuse to just fly somewhere and stay put, as i proved in may on tioman island, it is practically impossible for me to relax. someone please hit me with a big stick and send me through the mud to angkor wat in the back of a pickup truck with 20 other people because i am too high strung to do the lackadaisical time waster routine. on a humid island? on the other side of the world? for some reason, i love the threat of a land mine. borneo is fine but why did i book bali? i am not this boring. the fare was not that cheap... what on earth?

other people's stress has now become mine and not only do i get to endure double twitches and headaches, chuck said the magic word to me and it is now somehow my job to get his boss fired.

again.

i did this recently and when chuck's former boss was let go a few weeks later, he mentioned that i could not have had anything to do with it. that was a little annoying as he could at least juggle the possibilities around that i was involved... fingers aren't ever going to point back at me, silly.

it is time he started to learn to cooperate with other people, ideally, but since he spends a large portion of his free time watching plasmavision at my house and always forgets to pack up his stress with him when he leaves, this workplace shake-up may be necessary.

his boss is a jerk.
if anyone, this guy gets it.
chuck's not the problem this time.

unfortunately, the way i see it, the district manager has to go too and i have no problem ridding him and taking the time to submit several perfectly qualified employment applications to their corporate headquarters for those specific positions to help sway the process in my favor while i am waiting to see what happens.

if there is a god in heaven he would let chuck win the lottery with the money i gave him so he could move to no-man's-land and be happy working on old cars in his front yard or whatever it is that he likes to do and not have to deal with this every year.

how am i going to do this?
i will under no circumstance lie.
but i will allude...

you know, i always thought that if i saved enough money all of the anxiety and depression would at least subside slightly because there would be the security of knowing in the back of my mind that no matter what life presented, i would have more than enough time to rebuild if needed without excessive worrying. it is nowhere near true. worse case scenario again: chuck loses his job. i have saved enough to ignore this problem. chuck could sit around with me for several years without working and even with that fact, there is no break in my anxiety. the urgency associated with this stress never quits and i am going to remain awake for days.

why can't his boss just die in a car crash and leave me out of this mess?

"...because i doubt you have bothered to live yet."

[los angeles]
i'm sort of comfortable with myself.
not: we're sorta comfortable...?
not: eye'm sorta comfortable with myflagrantself...?
shutup shutup shutup shutup shutup shutup.
"we're." that's so weird and feels like ten years ago... referring to myself only in collective terms to include whoever else heard me as i couldn't fathom myself to have any individual value. it's a bad habit though, and i still catch myself saying it occasionally.

such a wuss, and nervous enough today to find myself posting questions on the lonely planet thorntree message boards- it is as though the anxiety is so overwhelming, it's not even there. over the course of my lifetime, i have traveled everywhere aside from ulan bator and atlantis but the foreign comfort is not allowing me to calm down.

...which reminds me about the time i was supposed to vacation in ulan bator one summer (july 1996) by using a combination of a heavily discounted "sas-lufthansa airlines 'youth yes pass'" and train tickets for the trans siberian railway.

even though my idiot irish travelmate and i both had purchased airline tickets to fly to novosibirsk, russia, from frankfurt germany, he never bothered to apply for russian or mongolian visas prior to the trip. he thought visas could easily be obtained in norway at the embassy of russian federation, or at a german consulate en route. [we had been flying all over europe, in no particular direction, rather, in an attempt to use our youth airline pass to the nth degree. larnaca. tel aviv jaffa. cairo. copenhagen. tenerife. in just two weeks we hit germany four different times: frankfurt, munich, berlin, and dusseldorf.]

no, novosibirsk has little to offer the random visitor outside of its opera, ballet theatre, concrete state university, and train station, but how do i know? in 1996 it seemed like a proper waste of vacation in visiting lake baikal and irkutsk to look at the seals- we figured we were apt to mature and never want to do such spontaneous things again. basically, who goes to novosibirsk? we thought we were going to take the trans-siberian railway through russia and then either change through to mongolia (ending in beijing) or just head straight out to vladivostok, turn around, and goes all of the way back to moscow. that's like a week and a half of sitting on a cigar and vodka reeking train with nothing to do but play cards, ward off thieves, make tea, and fight. due to my travelmate's lack of visa application, we changed plans and chose to fly wherever lufthansa flew that day- the canary islands again or cyprus. we landed in larnaca, cyprus, where we combatted ants and heat, nightclubs blaring songs by oasis, and my travelmate's addiction to french fry, margarine, and mayonnaise sandwiches. from there we hopped on a mediterranean cruise to israel. it was great- i'd do it all over again tomorrow.

[camped out overnight but not sleeping at gatwick airport, london]
...halt the devil's mercedes benz!
i am trying to read blogger e-mail from yesterday.
does it actually say "drop dead" or is it wishful thinking?
hmm..

later: of course it doesn't.
consider: seriously benefiting from the rivalry in having an arch enemy.

currently: exchanging scrunched noses with an aged security guard.
wearing an authentic british sea power world war I officer's jacket.
counting internet cybercafe kiosk minutes and tapping waiting feet.

[london, england]
maybe i should go home tomorrow and face the world.
which means sleeping at gatwick to assure a seat on a flight.

[fantastic place, london, england]
health and sensory perceptions of flagrantmine had almost immediately clicked back into place after only a few days, which makes flagrantme believe eye have instead been recovering from a bad seizure, but since myflagrant neurologist skipped medical school to only attend a certificate program at the university of plumbing and dust, eye may never find out enough to write about it in any capacity here. is this lucidity? it may be.

fate's great smirk may think he has won this match, so don't you dare tell, but eye was only wearing a plastic scowl when eye agreed to accompany him on a three week test of sarcastic patience in indonesia next month.

eye erased myflagrant upcoming ambitious yet tentative around-the-world employment plans over the last week and am in the process of rescheduling on myflagrant own terms rather than continuing to bob myflagrant head in tune with boil, toil, and hmmm. boil and hmmm aren't too pleased with indifferent flagrantme, but toil is flexible, holds myflagrant carrot out of reach, and eye've also just signed on to accept bazillion dollar paycheck syndrome. catch that? defined: no longer will eye wait in banking lines just because eye am scared to potentially lose myflagrant place in the queue when eye can clearly see the teller is out to lunch.

this newest screw the world philosophy fuels myflagrant whatever attitude to total 80% more assertiveness than last month. it feels substantially healthier, otherwise eye would have found myflagrantself spending monday flying to san francisco on myflagrant own dime to hang around in the shadow of the russian embassy. a $300 application fee plus the costs of airfare and a rental car seems furiously expensive for only securing same day visa processing when myflagrant five day producing job in russia next week had not yet been completely confirmed and the aggravation might have been unnecessary if the trip was cancelled.

"eye am not allowing myflagrantself the stress of trying to follow your half-assed work itinerary," eye said to myflagrant director when he was sitting in the producer's chair. "if you want flagrantme to go to moscow, now you need to coordinate the entire project in conjunction with a future vacation to prague." we then had a sitcom moment where he responded in one breath that it was fine by him (!) and he possibly would do the project without flagrantme (!) no wait a minute (!) there was no way he was filming anything in russia without flagrantme (!) so he will reschedule everything! yes, good answer.

what was eye supposed to do? wait around for other people to make plans and live in a chronic state of their stalled russian visa uncertainty? was eye to sit here and expect myflagrant health to restore itself? no. eye threw all original work and travel plans away, somewhat ignored the voice of anxiety, started over, and now eye'm feeling much better. rather than enduring backlash from telling people that eye refuse to put up with their crap and indecisiveness, they in turn started treating flagrantme as a valuable asset and have tried to step up to a higher level of competency. so why have eye still been scared to tell people how it will be in regard to flagrantme when it merely results in split seconds of painless butterflies and a better situation?

by cleaning the calendar, eye had new room to accept two new independent assignments out of one trip to asia after the first of the year and it also secretly secures myflagrant elite status on northwest airlines for 2005 in one shot. this will be good as eye am about to decide to care about myflagrant future.

...and eye might still have a sporadic wonky thom combined with stuttering omission, but eye won't say anything except: in the meantime, god forbid, bali.

suffocating today with a thriving ultraviolet ray daylight phobia that usually does not exist anywhere except los angeles, eye've been doing nothing but lounging here continually convincing myflagrantself there are numerous legitimate reasons to stay indoors. the weeks eye have in southeast asia seem long to linger in a monsoon season villa with myflagrant obnoxious thoughts, thus eye've booked other flights and am looking to possibly fend off marauding pirates while diving sipadan island or to find a liveaboard diving outfit in myanmar (burma). eye just don't know what to do with myflagrant stress and vacation strangulation without springing open a portable trap door or deflecting indonesian irritation toward myflagrant favorite cracker director.

extended solitude during the asian mileage runs will undoubtedly only emphasize apprehension of the international employment position for no matter what myflagrant mouth might have barked in the past, eye would work for a dollop of glop and live in a one-rug two-bug room if it was the right place for flagrantme.

the last laugh will be on me when i find out that earth is purgatory and i have 60 more years to deal with the stress of this flesh. i will call on my physician tomorrow but he has never done anything but nod his head and ask if i want more of the drugs i request. pointless. then i will call my mother and hear her say she has never been listening though she will not use those words.

the bright white lights are flashing.
a fancy pressurized headache reaches down to my shoulders.
pulsing blood is pushing veins out towards skin.
today is all about rushing sound and it's better to sit still.

something is going to happen today:
massive heart attack?
fatal stroke?
is this cloudiness a pre-seizure aura?

wait, DEATH. i changed my mind: not yet.
no, that wouldn't be fair of me.
my life will eventually pay for dancing with anorexia.

minuscule details in my life are wrapped up and proper musical selections are scheduled to play during the time when the daily visitor should enter my home.

the question is:
where should i place myself for the impending sneeze?

it finally happened, whatever it is and it is strange to coddle the apathy. left of center and a head so distressed, i may find a way to the urgent care center today.

i am supposedly in a lot of pain, but turned the discomfort into a structure and now breathe around the blockage. thank you father, for instructing me to overcome all physical sensation. this morning, voice trails five seconds behind brain, and when returning to slow words, the articulate is rendered unable to catch up and is rendered quietly frustrating. brain remains on, thus this is not acceptable.

the left half of beauty is looking damaged. confidence in accepting a mild stroke, or complications from seizure? or, does it matter? why care as long as that which is missing remains apparent?

work hard. draw out this already extended uncomfortable demise. why complain when receiving all requests? must find Doctor, but must worry about size, weight, body, and simply being first.

do not want Doctor.
do not want worry.
do not want [everything related to obtaining] prescription.

why go?
why worry.
end worry.
stay home.

would i mind living? consider another someone packing up my accumulation of life. that's it-- same old story. consider how i am not allowed to die with even one piece of laundry or speck of dust in my home. i will tend to everything and ensure that the moronic population has written directions with how to proceed with this end.

what goes where? who is who? who is who is not? no one knows. my family doesn't make dumb decisions, but they do make choices deeply rooted from some odd culture of poverty. that's it. after death, people will screw up what i was... i didn't screw up everything to have someone else come and mess it all up. consider how people without the capacity to _______ will think it possible to make decisions "for me" after i am dead. picture me stopping deader in my tracks on the return to my soul and employ a memory of haunting when sensing someone could have the audacious thought. "this is what she would want..." no. stop. wrong. no one plays the game of telephone correctly. no one could begin to illustrate when i have taken myself even after reading the book.

so, back in college when i would ________ to manage the Hunger and Desire of Day Four, i knew this form of cheating GREED would eventually catch up. death is fair and i will not complain.


my heart keeps keeping the kept time of today. life has been more than fair to me even though the tightness in my chest may explode next.

or, i may just reflect to those jellies of cerulean palau.

let's go and trip a dwarf.

when i consumed my soul
i was surprised to find my name was god
and i tasted like electricity.