this depression is so boring and overdone, but how is it possible to circumnavigate the meh without transversing to the opposite extreme? is there anything new to do or experience close to home? of course, but is it intense enough? perhaps i can poke fun at the darkness of today and label it an attitude problem. what if i were to look at depression from an outsider's perspective rather than simply living through the cycle? in that case, i have done nothing but mope and introvert myself for several days.
an extremely inexpensive airline ticket valid for a round trip flight to tahiti was held in my name today. i could have ordered for, and then paid a primetime shuttle driver to deliver me to the airport. the second ring of hell would have consisted on settling into an economy seat for eight and a half flight hours.
after departing LAX los angeles, only to arrive in PPT french polynesia-- but then what? do and see what in tahiti? why would an independent budget traveler invest time in overpriced newlywed heaven? a connection onward to auckland, new zealand was scheduled to depart from PPT the next morning, but i gladly decided to remain home. right now i am feeling sick and also am somewhat arguing with myself as to whether or not a decision was actually made to remain home. sick. sick. i definitely wanted to go, regardless of the destination, but am stuck here due to
sick.
so, i remain in los angeles. let me try to talk myself out of feeling bad for giving in to illness: did i want to fly to tahiti? no, definitely not. what's the sense of visiting tahiti without flying on to bora bora and renting out an overwater bungalow? i have visited the tahitian islands and new zealand on prior vacations. who cares if staying in? why care? this thwarted trip cost nothing aside from the guilt of retaining an agoraphobic comfort zone.
the introversion perpetuated more than a lost trip. i also ignored an invitation from a musician to make europe our playground. there was a second option of flying to spain this weekend for the benicassim music festival. this particular musician is privileged and routinely has vip access. i care, but convince myself how i don't care about a huge assembly of concerts in a corn field or whatnot. spain is enduring an uncommon heat wave. mm-hmm. picture sweaty young eurotrash adults vomiting and spilling alcohol about each other-- while laughing. i seriously considered the foreign entertainment (and the members of the wedding party i am avoiding this weekend would never have found out) but i believe balance means remaining in california.
depression, anxiety, anorexia-- i need to get out of the house to secure my own food.
it seemed ridiculous to take either spontaneous trip. traveling internationally today could have been fine, but i have never adjusted to living alone in my own home. with invalid friend away at the wedding, there is no safety net this week. when traveling to any foreign country i am expected to bumble around and ask the dumbest questions. it is okay to go and try to live, to learn to purchase food, to spend money and shop. due to illness, it is unacceptable to fend for myself in los angeles while wandering around incapacitated by anxiety and bewildered by the availability of choices in the grocery store. it is certainly not okay to hold up the checkout line due to nervously fumbling for change.
recently, i put a wad of foreign money in my wallet, in an attempt to take psychological control of not only the cashier, but the shopper standing in line behind me. the intention was, when either of them saw me pick dollars apart from japanese yen, i would get an unspoken break and be allowed at least one social faux pas. after returning to the same store location a few times, i would no longer look like a nervous shopper (or, horror, shoplifter), rather, i could appear indecisive and foreign in the eyes of the employees.
this is a difficult day. i am alone, nervous, sad to have given in, and now scared to know i need to go out and test myself by leaving the house-- but am really looking to stay in. go where? why? if i am ill, why am i not allowed to be ill? why do i punish myself after enduring what would be expected?
--
e-mail: how was it you got out of attending the wedding with chuck?: by insisting i needed to stay home with the cat. chuck's mother agreed and understood. his mother caused a great financial distress a few years ago, and is probably relieved that we are not in her presence in team form.
i did chat with
tony pierce of the
busblog last night and got to catch up with what he has been doing. good stuff. i feel a lot better for coming out of my shell but worry that people will unknowingly ask me the questions that will trigger. due to this i hide to try and protect myself, but they never do ask or hound on the inappropriate subjects.