on the rugged bluffs, scripps coastal reserve- la jolla, california
when my father dies
i will don my snake smarts and travel to new caledonia.
perhaps i will walk breezy beaches and carry a stick
writing sandy letters by footprint.
Sunday, June 29, 2003
on the rugged bluffs, scripps coastal reserve- la jolla, california
when my father dies
i will don my snake smarts and travel to new caledonia.
perhaps i will walk breezy beaches and carry a stick
writing sandy letters by footprint.
Friday, June 27, 2003
nothing has changed- i have just been places.
1- sick and unproductive
2- feeling egotistical even about restricted excess
3- retreating in embarrassment back to isolation
1- sick and unproductive
2- feeling egotistical even about restricted excess
3- retreating in embarrassment back to isolation
invalid friend chuck mentioned that i have a lot of "power" and can get almost any tangible item in the world, or a favor, without asking anyone. he proceeded to say that i "have it down to an art" and that people under "the spell" ordinarily provide all privilege to me.
"they do it without any negative thoughts toward their effort or expense," chuck said. one positive note, thank god, was how invalid friend's reference to influence excluded any hint toward my illness and its quasi-myth of notorious manipulation.
without asking, he had said, and suggested these skills included big ticket items such as houses or imported cars. skills? had he also said tactics?
let's consider for a moment if this is indeed true, "beech-howse... beach house, poor-sha... porsche." perhaps, i am not thinking hard enough to adequately channel a luxurious sports car or foreign beachfront property.
let's try again, "staggering performance capabilities... zuffenhausen... and a variable turbine geometry system."
nope. even with an inkling of abstract suggestion, this practice never works. perhaps there are exercises one can do to improve power of persuasion or... this mental telepathy of which chuck speaks?
consider: who are these people he refers to? how do i "have enough power over someone" that i could get a porsche, without asking, from a person who could neither afford the high performance maintenance nor the interest on the $120K auto loan? how and why would i even want to attend to such an excess? who would i give the gift to?
undoubtedly, invalid friend feels inadequate in unarticulated domains of his life to present this subject. why else would he be blowing this topic of power out of proportion? certainly he isn't looking to inspire a debate between classical and modern political theory. "are human beings fundamentally equal or unequal?" by chuck's simplification and summary of the situation, as is human nature, is he merely acting to find and then attach a blame to his lack of prosperity?
his desire is the real power.
unharnessed. dangerous.
consider:
the power over people,
or the power with people.
whether under the perpetually dangerous influence of anorexia or not, i have no influence over other people unless they decide to place themselves in a position to grant me an authority.
of course, anorexia and its common death drama must include various manipulative veins, but its aspects of persuasion only influence people who like for that rigidity to command their world.
"they do it without any negative thoughts toward their effort or expense," chuck said. one positive note, thank god, was how invalid friend's reference to influence excluded any hint toward my illness and its quasi-myth of notorious manipulation.
without asking, he had said, and suggested these skills included big ticket items such as houses or imported cars. skills? had he also said tactics?
let's consider for a moment if this is indeed true, "beech-howse... beach house, poor-sha... porsche." perhaps, i am not thinking hard enough to adequately channel a luxurious sports car or foreign beachfront property.
let's try again, "staggering performance capabilities... zuffenhausen... and a variable turbine geometry system."
nope. even with an inkling of abstract suggestion, this practice never works. perhaps there are exercises one can do to improve power of persuasion or... this mental telepathy of which chuck speaks?
consider: who are these people he refers to? how do i "have enough power over someone" that i could get a porsche, without asking, from a person who could neither afford the high performance maintenance nor the interest on the $120K auto loan? how and why would i even want to attend to such an excess? who would i give the gift to?
undoubtedly, invalid friend feels inadequate in unarticulated domains of his life to present this subject. why else would he be blowing this topic of power out of proportion? certainly he isn't looking to inspire a debate between classical and modern political theory. "are human beings fundamentally equal or unequal?" by chuck's simplification and summary of the situation, as is human nature, is he merely acting to find and then attach a blame to his lack of prosperity?
his desire is the real power.
unharnessed. dangerous.
consider:
the power over people,
or the power with people.
whether under the perpetually dangerous influence of anorexia or not, i have no influence over other people unless they decide to place themselves in a position to grant me an authority.
of course, anorexia and its common death drama must include various manipulative veins, but its aspects of persuasion only influence people who like for that rigidity to command their world.
for someone who lives in the los angeles area, far too much of my time is spent whittled away in the 'new northwest terminal' at the detroit metro airport. i have transversed the city limits of detroit once, and only due to a famous winter storm, cancelled flight, and subsequent missed connection. i had just arrived from paris and after the delays on the tarmac, had the pleasure of canning myself into an airport shuttle with other sardines desperate enough to queue at the world's worst econo lodge. though securing the 'last known room in the city' was initially a smile from heaven, neither budget hotel nor stay was memorable for anything other than anxiety and decay.
too depressed now to formulate the story-- i'm done with dragging DAILY LIFE around, and around, and around the block. i have grown bored with this independent traveling as a testament of truth. fine. i have proven i can 'go and do' but this ability has not noticeably tied up the depression or social anxieties. i am disgusted this plan no longer works for me, really want to go home, and upon arrival, demand to be alone.
what is wrong? why again? is this a cyclical depression, and if it is, what are the patterns? lately i have threatened to kill noisy children playing in a swimming pool, give away glastonbury festival tickets to blog readers, beat a stranger with a baseball bat, and have also found myself driving for hours across the desert to phoenix-- only to turn around and head home based on principle.
this flight to detroit was taken for no reason. it may have slightly thwarted introversion, built confidence and offered esteem-- but these are soft skills and virtually worthless to people other than me. this trip to detroit was merely a mileage run to earn worldperks frequent flyer miles-- essentially, it helps me feel like a glutton in an alternate realm. last month's trip to singapore and malaysia happened for a somewhat similar lack of reason. it's frustrating, how i invalidate the deeper meaning of these activities to point at superficial mileage accrual. to cure agoraphobia and social anxiety, i must consistently go and do, and on passionately exotic levels rather than the familiar. this is a forced tightening of behavior, somehow, and somewhere, but without definition or instruction it feels invalid.
occasionally, mostly when annoyed, i must wonder aloud if the cycles of depression can relate traveling in circles. no doubt the depressive state also involves insight and an element of shock when reflecting on the past.
tonight, my heart will not explode. this body will not die but will feel like death. one little 25 milligram ephedrine pill stacked with caffeine always incites anxiety and murderous thoughts-- then when aligned with depression, i think i could have taken my life today along with several more.
too depressed now to formulate the story-- i'm done with dragging DAILY LIFE around, and around, and around the block. i have grown bored with this independent traveling as a testament of truth. fine. i have proven i can 'go and do' but this ability has not noticeably tied up the depression or social anxieties. i am disgusted this plan no longer works for me, really want to go home, and upon arrival, demand to be alone.
what is wrong? why again? is this a cyclical depression, and if it is, what are the patterns? lately i have threatened to kill noisy children playing in a swimming pool, give away glastonbury festival tickets to blog readers, beat a stranger with a baseball bat, and have also found myself driving for hours across the desert to phoenix-- only to turn around and head home based on principle.
this flight to detroit was taken for no reason. it may have slightly thwarted introversion, built confidence and offered esteem-- but these are soft skills and virtually worthless to people other than me. this trip to detroit was merely a mileage run to earn worldperks frequent flyer miles-- essentially, it helps me feel like a glutton in an alternate realm. last month's trip to singapore and malaysia happened for a somewhat similar lack of reason. it's frustrating, how i invalidate the deeper meaning of these activities to point at superficial mileage accrual. to cure agoraphobia and social anxiety, i must consistently go and do, and on passionately exotic levels rather than the familiar. this is a forced tightening of behavior, somehow, and somewhere, but without definition or instruction it feels invalid.
occasionally, mostly when annoyed, i must wonder aloud if the cycles of depression can relate traveling in circles. no doubt the depressive state also involves insight and an element of shock when reflecting on the past.
tonight, my heart will not explode. this body will not die but will feel like death. one little 25 milligram ephedrine pill stacked with caffeine always incites anxiety and murderous thoughts-- then when aligned with depression, i think i could have taken my life today along with several more.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
on foot, and while on my way to return library books, not only did i call a puffy, wife-beater wearing 40 year old a f-----, but also realized that i need to research the variety of materials available make up baseball bats. composite? aluminum? basic wood? while not interested in physics or response, i need to buy one which will not absorb and forever carry around the dna from the person i eventually bludgeon. yes, dear ephedrine, it is strange how your supply of morbid thoughts work to soothe right now.
i love how my brain was on autopilot during the exchange. while sitting here right now, i cannot even wrap my mouth around that word. did i really call him that? well, how grossly appropriate! how blind for the members of this community to think they are invisible in a big city, unaware that the person they insulted has roamed the same seven mile exercise path before dawn daily for years and knows no one but everyone. funny how i know exactly where that man lives. perhaps i also know how he will experience difficulties in trying to remove the concentrated skunk scent that was dribbled into the air vents on his street parked vehicle very soon.
i love how my brain was on autopilot during the exchange. while sitting here right now, i cannot even wrap my mouth around that word. did i really call him that? well, how grossly appropriate! how blind for the members of this community to think they are invisible in a big city, unaware that the person they insulted has roamed the same seven mile exercise path before dawn daily for years and knows no one but everyone. funny how i know exactly where that man lives. perhaps i also know how he will experience difficulties in trying to remove the concentrated skunk scent that was dribbled into the air vents on his street parked vehicle very soon.
screaming, pounding, and shrieking unsupervised children in a swimming pool. i have swallowed too much ephedrine today and am properly fogged- mumbling to myself in slow motion while my hyper body cleans and rearranges space. murder. it wouldn't be murder. i'd be helping people. i will be the salvation of encino, california and a hero in the eyes of all who slam their windows closed.
plan: lure screaming children to my place and kill them with sound.
note: the polite librarian approach never helped anyone.
plan: lure screaming children to my place and kill them with sound.
note: the polite librarian approach never helped anyone.
how am i supposed to stop wanting to live a life bent in favor of isolation?
i don't know how to tolerate living around people. alone is fine. i enjoy 85% of my problems. agoraphobia and the housebound lifestyle is wrong but comfortable. locking the door is a seductive idea but inspires a panic whenever i consider needs or the future. the need for connection and integration is practical, but i cannot feel its urgency.
[holds out open-faced palm like a crossing guard] stop! if a stranger has not obtained an equivalent level of education, lived through similar situations, or traveled to remote destinations, yet he tries to express an obstinate opinion about [the subject on hand]- they can just take it to another place. their comments are rendered invalid. independent traveling is changing many facets of my personality. i think it could cure me. traveling, that is, going and doing to see for myself, is eliminating other people's opinion.
i would like to purposely detail why strangers are clueless but leave the situation. someday i will not stand to hear people perpetuating what they have only heard and are essentially passing on. if they don't know, i want to make them admit that they have no foundation for what they tried to communicate.
a condescending tone should never be standard, and instead i would opt for a happy voice. a perfectly acted dramatic sigh works to lighten the sarcasm, "i am very fortunate. if all of my insights [on said topic] were based on a television education, i might be guilty of perpetuating those very same myths. my opinions are based on advanced degrees, experience, and the truth." a completely different perspective would then be offered, specifically using the words backsheesh, propaganda, experience, nonsense, GNP, and cosmopolitan.
the further afield i travel, the more difficult it is to accept a conversation. family members seem to think the media and broadcasted news stories are fact and not built with an entertainment factor. news images and gathered opinions communicated are real, but are ordinarily not prevalent. it is frustrating in how overaired myths have turned to facts.
i don't know how to tolerate living around people. alone is fine. i enjoy 85% of my problems. agoraphobia and the housebound lifestyle is wrong but comfortable. locking the door is a seductive idea but inspires a panic whenever i consider needs or the future. the need for connection and integration is practical, but i cannot feel its urgency.
[holds out open-faced palm like a crossing guard] stop! if a stranger has not obtained an equivalent level of education, lived through similar situations, or traveled to remote destinations, yet he tries to express an obstinate opinion about [the subject on hand]- they can just take it to another place. their comments are rendered invalid. independent traveling is changing many facets of my personality. i think it could cure me. traveling, that is, going and doing to see for myself, is eliminating other people's opinion.
i would like to purposely detail why strangers are clueless but leave the situation. someday i will not stand to hear people perpetuating what they have only heard and are essentially passing on. if they don't know, i want to make them admit that they have no foundation for what they tried to communicate.
a condescending tone should never be standard, and instead i would opt for a happy voice. a perfectly acted dramatic sigh works to lighten the sarcasm, "i am very fortunate. if all of my insights [on said topic] were based on a television education, i might be guilty of perpetuating those very same myths. my opinions are based on advanced degrees, experience, and the truth." a completely different perspective would then be offered, specifically using the words backsheesh, propaganda, experience, nonsense, GNP, and cosmopolitan.
the further afield i travel, the more difficult it is to accept a conversation. family members seem to think the media and broadcasted news stories are fact and not built with an entertainment factor. news images and gathered opinions communicated are real, but are ordinarily not prevalent. it is frustrating in how overaired myths have turned to facts.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
yesterday i was stuck in Y (steerage) on oversold NW metal MSP-LAX but waitlisted for F, i volunteered to bump for tokens= one class upgrade, a $100 baggage voucher, and the maximum $300 TVC. rebooked, flew home MSP-LAX in F. today i began a MR LAX-DTW-AMS-LGW. upgraded to F LAX-DTW, volunteered and triple bumped DTW-AMS for 3 $1100 TVCs and each time the gate agent 'found' an upgrade cert for me. flew home DTW-LAX in F.
i doubt i got that 100% right.
try again:
yesterday, since i was stuck in coach class on a northwest airlines flight minneapolis to los angeles, but on a waitinglist for first class seating due to my worldperks status, i volunteered to give up my seat and take the next flight out a few hours later where i was upgraded to first class. the gate agent gave me the standard domestic travel certificate valued at $300 and a $100 for incidentals, to supplement my perk. basically i was paid $400 for a little time which was spent inhaling the lovely and intoxicating scent of brewed espresso from one of the minneapolis/st. paul airport's coffee stands.
then this morning i began a mileage run from los angeles to detroit metro connecting through amsterdam to finally arrive into london. i flew a status upgrade in first class to detroit, then gave up my seat on three international flights in a row and in return i received $1100 + upgrade certificates for each time i was bumped. this would ordinarily be high, but not for this week in june-- everyone, including school groups travel to europe. then since i have no life, i flew home to los angeles status upgraded to first class and wondered why i shouldn't do this three or four days a week during the summer high-season.
$9 an hour gate agent fills out the papers for my third bump and calculates my earnings from all three to be about $3400 in cash [dollars off or possibly cash if you jump through all of the hoops] and another approx $4000 in upgrade certificates. how much did the $9 an hour gate agent make after taxes in the six hours it took me to make a pseudo $7400? $9 an hour clueless gate agent says to me: you must have a lot of time on your hands.
note: maximum international offering is ordinarily limited to $700 on that airline.
i doubt i got that 100% right.
try again:
yesterday, since i was stuck in coach class on a northwest airlines flight minneapolis to los angeles, but on a waitinglist for first class seating due to my worldperks status, i volunteered to give up my seat and take the next flight out a few hours later where i was upgraded to first class. the gate agent gave me the standard domestic travel certificate valued at $300 and a $100 for incidentals, to supplement my perk. basically i was paid $400 for a little time which was spent inhaling the lovely and intoxicating scent of brewed espresso from one of the minneapolis/st. paul airport's coffee stands.
then this morning i began a mileage run from los angeles to detroit metro connecting through amsterdam to finally arrive into london. i flew a status upgrade in first class to detroit, then gave up my seat on three international flights in a row and in return i received $1100 + upgrade certificates for each time i was bumped. this would ordinarily be high, but not for this week in june-- everyone, including school groups travel to europe. then since i have no life, i flew home to los angeles status upgraded to first class and wondered why i shouldn't do this three or four days a week during the summer high-season.
$9 an hour gate agent fills out the papers for my third bump and calculates my earnings from all three to be about $3400 in cash [dollars off or possibly cash if you jump through all of the hoops] and another approx $4000 in upgrade certificates. how much did the $9 an hour gate agent make after taxes in the six hours it took me to make a pseudo $7400? $9 an hour clueless gate agent says to me: you must have a lot of time on your hands.
note: maximum international offering is ordinarily limited to $700 on that airline.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
[los angeles, california]
door opens.
deathsdoor: who is it?
flagrant: it's me again.
deathsdoor: it's been a long time. come in.
door closes.
door opens.
deathsdoor: who is it?
flagrant: it's me again.
deathsdoor: it's been a long time. come in.
door closes.
[los angeles, california]
i hate the world.
i hate the world.
Monday, June 23, 2003
nowheresville - msp / saab 340 turbo prop + turbulence
hello fate? where is my automatic elite status airline upgrade notice for msp minneapolis to los angeles? read my mind and you will find out that today would be good. oh i see, fate is telling me i am one of the platinum cattle in the main cabin and we all know that cattle equals fat. hi, anorexia. where have you been? body image has been suffering fine without your help.
thud. thud. thud. thud. thud
[nowheresville]
eye am spending myflagrant last night of myflagrant northwoods vacation at myflagrant parent's home. is this the last time eye will see myflagrant family or father?
eye must be an arrogant person because eye have been starting most of myflagrant comments and observations about the area with: "would it be insulting if eye said..." or "don't take this wrong, but..." eye just do not subscribe to the wal-mart way and eye am disgusted that the mass discount store has dressed most of flyover country in bright stripes and convinced them it is acceptable. eye knew it was bad when motherfigure mentioned that peasant tops were coming back into style. god we just finally get rid of them, eye thought. she meant the shirts were coming back in style from the sixties, not from two years ago.
eye am also starting to think that eye may or maybe should die in a small airplane crash. this anxiety due is due to myflagrant flights tomorrow. nerves, eye suppose, has helped to flip myflagrant switch and eye am clenched- firmly shut off. the wrench twisted and eye feel eye am counting down and never mind. eye don't know what, or how, or why, and just forget it as eye don't know what eye am typing currently. eye am sort of choked up.
eye could never be taken care of here with myflagrant family, but eye am feeling strangely and wonderfully nurtured. depressed to be where in the world eye ever will end up tomorrow as though the sadness, bad, black, haze, and THE DOOM is anxious to pounce. the only thought keeping flagrantme trudging the wellness road lately is the reminder that only after serious contemplation eye could allow myflagrantself the ability to return to sickness for a month... but eye cannot lie to myflagrantself if DAILY LIFE begins to deteriorate. eye cannot cheat myflagrantself and say things are just as stable in a lame effort to not continue progressing. eye don't feel very well and eye do worry the self-destruct button will not provide what eye need, but eye would like to take a look back in time for a few weeks starting right now.
eye am spending myflagrant last night of myflagrant northwoods vacation at myflagrant parent's home. is this the last time eye will see myflagrant family or father?
eye must be an arrogant person because eye have been starting most of myflagrant comments and observations about the area with: "would it be insulting if eye said..." or "don't take this wrong, but..." eye just do not subscribe to the wal-mart way and eye am disgusted that the mass discount store has dressed most of flyover country in bright stripes and convinced them it is acceptable. eye knew it was bad when motherfigure mentioned that peasant tops were coming back into style. god we just finally get rid of them, eye thought. she meant the shirts were coming back in style from the sixties, not from two years ago.
eye am also starting to think that eye may or maybe should die in a small airplane crash. this anxiety due is due to myflagrant flights tomorrow. nerves, eye suppose, has helped to flip myflagrant switch and eye am clenched- firmly shut off. the wrench twisted and eye feel eye am counting down and never mind. eye don't know what, or how, or why, and just forget it as eye don't know what eye am typing currently. eye am sort of choked up.
eye could never be taken care of here with myflagrant family, but eye am feeling strangely and wonderfully nurtured. depressed to be where in the world eye ever will end up tomorrow as though the sadness, bad, black, haze, and THE DOOM is anxious to pounce. the only thought keeping flagrantme trudging the wellness road lately is the reminder that only after serious contemplation eye could allow myflagrantself the ability to return to sickness for a month... but eye cannot lie to myflagrantself if DAILY LIFE begins to deteriorate. eye cannot cheat myflagrantself and say things are just as stable in a lame effort to not continue progressing. eye don't feel very well and eye do worry the self-destruct button will not provide what eye need, but eye would like to take a look back in time for a few weeks starting right now.
stella: 2 spectacular obstacles, plus it's a time to be so small. can eye get to this way? eye think so, but it's different now that eye’m poor and aging. pete is missing crowds sweat mud and eye'm unloveable alone bitter crass and eye own a photogenic tent but eye never never liked it anyway. eye'm stranded on this street that paved myflagrant only way home.
[nowheresville]
humid and northwoods kitsch
slow people and smoking
fudge shops
wal-mart culture.
tick tock. tick tock.
humid and northwoods kitsch
slow people and smoking
fudge shops
wal-mart culture.
tick tock. tick tock.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
[nowheresville]
we joke about building hot rods. when my father finishes his current street rod project he can build me a '59 corvette in midnight blue with ghost flames.
...and i should probably shut down the computer since there are 32.3 hours of time left to spend with him. ever. it could have been a strange and terribly upsetting week if i had not trained myself to shut down.
we joke about building hot rods. when my father finishes his current street rod project he can build me a '59 corvette in midnight blue with ghost flames.
...and i should probably shut down the computer since there are 32.3 hours of time left to spend with him. ever. it could have been a strange and terribly upsetting week if i had not trained myself to shut down.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
back to the 50's car show- st. paul, minnesota
[nowheresville]
for future reference, let's all practice now.
your father is really, really sick:
a) dad has a cough.
b) dad is dead.
c) dad is really, really sick. come home.
d) dad is really, really sick. don't come home.
e) mom is sick.
[nowheresville]
...felt better not knowing that-and-that plus whatever is next.
...felt better not knowing that-and-that plus whatever is next.
[nowheresville]
a northwoods vocabulary lesson: eyes and use.
"eyes was gonna tell use guys about my trip."
a northwoods vocabulary lesson: eyes and use.
"eyes was gonna tell use guys about my trip."
[nowheresville]
my father has a medical issue with one of his eyes and this is being blown off as a diabetic complication. he has been wearing a black eye patch and "oh it's nothing", "it's common", and "it's going to improve." my father is making fun of himself by walking around and adopting a pirate's inflection when saying "aye matey" and whatnot. this is okay as saying "aarrgghh" and doubling up his adjectives is not the weirdest he can get.
today when i spoke with my brother over the telephone, i apologized for not contacting him after his motocross accident. i had been traveling in malaysia at the time, and also explained the common situation of being left out of the loop with family when things are bad. the severity of his injuries was hidden from me. i might see him on sunday after spending the weekend with my parents at the "back to the 50s" car show in minnesota. this is an annual, enormous street rod and custom car event held at the st. paul fairgrounds. my father is building a street rod out of a 1928 model-a ford.
brother says: "so i guess they didn't give you the full story about dad's eyes?"
flagrant says: "they explained it as 'nothing really.'"
brother says: "they just found out from his mri that he had a mild stroke."
hummmm... hummmm... hummmm...
there was a doe spotted with her new fawn in the backyard this afternoon, and the black flies are not as big a quarters like last year. i went to the corner candy and fudge shop with motherfigure to buy a present for her father, and as the cashier was bumbling through the transaction i said, "c'mon, snap it up there, chuck." everything is too slow here-- the people, the reactions, the humor. people never need to alert, and i have difficulties handling their chronic states of 'duh.' motherfigure kept herself from laughing at "my sarcastic encouragement" until out of the store.
i haven't visited here in a very long time and seem to be the speed demon trapped in a slow town. not only do i stand out like a sore thumb, but because i care about my appearance, it is automatically assumed that 'i am from the city' and 'i am an arrogant snob' even though i am not. i can afford and have chosen to wear nice shoes during the common situation of shopping with my mother. by default this makes me a mean or cut throat type of person. see, i should have known better. i should know enough to wear bright white athletic shoes outside of the gym.
but since i am automatically accused!:
good lord, look at all of these dairy products. i could gain 40 pounds here and still receive the "she's anorectic" sneer because even the smallest people appear to be concealing two lumpy bags of potatoes underneath their sweatshirts.
my father has a medical issue with one of his eyes and this is being blown off as a diabetic complication. he has been wearing a black eye patch and "oh it's nothing", "it's common", and "it's going to improve." my father is making fun of himself by walking around and adopting a pirate's inflection when saying "aye matey" and whatnot. this is okay as saying "aarrgghh" and doubling up his adjectives is not the weirdest he can get.
today when i spoke with my brother over the telephone, i apologized for not contacting him after his motocross accident. i had been traveling in malaysia at the time, and also explained the common situation of being left out of the loop with family when things are bad. the severity of his injuries was hidden from me. i might see him on sunday after spending the weekend with my parents at the "back to the 50s" car show in minnesota. this is an annual, enormous street rod and custom car event held at the st. paul fairgrounds. my father is building a street rod out of a 1928 model-a ford.
brother says: "so i guess they didn't give you the full story about dad's eyes?"
flagrant says: "they explained it as 'nothing really.'"
brother says: "they just found out from his mri that he had a mild stroke."
hummmm... hummmm... hummmm...
there was a doe spotted with her new fawn in the backyard this afternoon, and the black flies are not as big a quarters like last year. i went to the corner candy and fudge shop with motherfigure to buy a present for her father, and as the cashier was bumbling through the transaction i said, "c'mon, snap it up there, chuck." everything is too slow here-- the people, the reactions, the humor. people never need to alert, and i have difficulties handling their chronic states of 'duh.' motherfigure kept herself from laughing at "my sarcastic encouragement" until out of the store.
i haven't visited here in a very long time and seem to be the speed demon trapped in a slow town. not only do i stand out like a sore thumb, but because i care about my appearance, it is automatically assumed that 'i am from the city' and 'i am an arrogant snob' even though i am not. i can afford and have chosen to wear nice shoes during the common situation of shopping with my mother. by default this makes me a mean or cut throat type of person. see, i should have known better. i should know enough to wear bright white athletic shoes outside of the gym.
but since i am automatically accused!:
good lord, look at all of these dairy products. i could gain 40 pounds here and still receive the "she's anorectic" sneer because even the smallest people appear to be concealing two lumpy bags of potatoes underneath their sweatshirts.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
NW AIRLINK MESABA saab 340 in WINDOW C
[nowheresville]
this visit will not be hell, rather it is just going to be strange.
fact #1: my life is obviously spectacular to my family. finally.
fact #2: (my friends and i have discussed at length and think...) motherfigure never tells me the entire story of any particular upsetting subject matter because she thinks it will make anorexia thrive. i probably explained it to her three hundred thousand times how it works quite the opposite of that, and it is the act of keeping things away, that false sense of protection, which can excite sickness very quickly.
fact #3: my brother the professional motocross racer was in an accident last month and "got bruised up." thus, i have been under the impression that my brother is probably slightly more than "bruised up" but am not certain.
fact #4: my brother is severely hurt and is in an intensive back brace that was designed to NOT be removed should he need surgery. he cannot work, occasionally has so much pain that he can barely breathe, and mr. acrobat never elected to take out the disability insurance when offered to him at his secondary desk job.
on a strange related note, one of my brother's friends was recently in a motocross accident during a practice routine, broke bones in his neck and is now paralyzed.
la dee da. i have boxed depression and a trip to london next week.
la dee da. i declined prawns and wine today in first class.
la dee da. i have intense chest-tightening guilt.
[los angeles]
as i am walking out the door en route to LAX, then continuing deep into the woods to nowheresville only to visit the family i once left, remember, i have more than enough frequent flyer miles to return back to this hell if i can't endure that hell for a week.
as i am walking out the door en route to LAX, then continuing deep into the woods to nowheresville only to visit the family i once left, remember, i have more than enough frequent flyer miles to return back to this hell if i can't endure that hell for a week.
hello? anxiety disorder? where are you? i miss you.
please keep me from test driving a new infiniti sports coupe.
please keep me from test driving a new infiniti sports coupe.
on my way to the club
i fell down a hole...
blur | the wiltern theater | los angeles
i accepted a $30 parking ticket because, silly me, i didn't haul ten dollars worth of quarters along to the venue to feed the parking meter. i was not about to go seek out change. either they do things differently down there in koreatown or parking garages were on the opposite side of the road. after the show, even though i wonked the horn to warn him, a man in a mercedes backed into my oldbutnew car.
i could care less.
unfortunately (?) no damage.
fortunately (?) no damage.
whoo-hoo.
i fell down a hole...
blur | the wiltern theater | los angeles
i accepted a $30 parking ticket because, silly me, i didn't haul ten dollars worth of quarters along to the venue to feed the parking meter. i was not about to go seek out change. either they do things differently down there in koreatown or parking garages were on the opposite side of the road. after the show, even though i wonked the horn to warn him, a man in a mercedes backed into my oldbutnew car.
i could care less.
unfortunately (?) no damage.
fortunately (?) no damage.
whoo-hoo.
Monday, June 16, 2003
going home is just going to be a big reminder of death
the impending forced isolation on this earth when my parents die.
no safety net available should i ever need one.
i know implied safety net is a mirage but i cannot help thinking that i could be homeless, totally broke, and unable to function at any moment and i might need someone.
the impending forced isolation on this earth when my parents die.
no safety net available should i ever need one.
i know implied safety net is a mirage but i cannot help thinking that i could be homeless, totally broke, and unable to function at any moment and i might need someone.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Dear Flagrant:
Northwest is pleased to provide the status of your
complimentary WorldPerks Elite First Class upgrades on
Northwest flights.
LAX Los Angeles - MSP Minneapolis Northwest Flight #XXX
on XXJUN, your First Class upgrade is confirmed and
your reserved seat is AISLE B.
well damn everything. with this upgrade, it means i now must not only dress appropriately, but sit in an aisle seat which exposes my bad side. how about i decline the seat in first, and instead receive triple miles for the flight? please? i have accidental anime hair and am in a bad mood.
i would rather sit in the back with the other coach class cattle, and have a flight attendant seek me out. after she personally apologizes for the lack of an upgrade and thanks me for my business, she might hand out a traveler's amenity pack which could include a prepaid telephone card and 10,000 bonus miles.
where were the perks when i flew a virtually empty flight to changi in singapore and only received sticky rice and deep vein thrombosis? i couldn't even get a SARS mask! this domestic flight is on a boeing 757, so what is the point of first class anyhow?
the point of elite status should be having a choice... elite seating and seat relocation. i changed my airline seat to a first class WINDOW A... life is much better.
Northwest is pleased to provide the status of your
complimentary WorldPerks Elite First Class upgrades on
Northwest flights.
LAX Los Angeles - MSP Minneapolis Northwest Flight #XXX
on XXJUN, your First Class upgrade is confirmed and
your reserved seat is AISLE B.
well damn everything. with this upgrade, it means i now must not only dress appropriately, but sit in an aisle seat which exposes my bad side. how about i decline the seat in first, and instead receive triple miles for the flight? please? i have accidental anime hair and am in a bad mood.
i would rather sit in the back with the other coach class cattle, and have a flight attendant seek me out. after she personally apologizes for the lack of an upgrade and thanks me for my business, she might hand out a traveler's amenity pack which could include a prepaid telephone card and 10,000 bonus miles.
where were the perks when i flew a virtually empty flight to changi in singapore and only received sticky rice and deep vein thrombosis? i couldn't even get a SARS mask! this domestic flight is on a boeing 757, so what is the point of first class anyhow?
the point of elite status should be having a choice... elite seating and seat relocation. i changed my airline seat to a first class WINDOW A... life is much better.
sunday finds me with pale orange hair roots and cat vomit in three places around the house.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
bad day.
back off.
back off.
Friday, June 13, 2003
have you been outside lately? have you seen? what has happened?! where did all of these sweaty people come from? why do they all look like they are trying to conceal lumpy 10 pound bags of potatoes underneath their thrift store clothes? this is a crime! i am not allowed to show my body in its underweight form, they should not be allowed to display perspiring obesity. also, why have i seen several people wearing athletic apparel with moist words patched across the back of their fold over yoga pants? this trend has already died its quick death.
the average overweight american walking down the street does not need to wear terry cloth or velour tracksuits, but if they do, certainly not pieces with the illegible words "juicy couture" written on and half-crammed up their asses.
everyday should be january.
everyone should cover up.
the average overweight american walking down the street does not need to wear terry cloth or velour tracksuits, but if they do, certainly not pieces with the illegible words "juicy couture" written on and half-crammed up their asses.
everyday should be january.
everyone should cover up.
>> what are you doing?
an ephedrine stack, painting watercolor cartoons [replication of the famous chat noir, finishing the ridiculous fish on cardboard (tm)], spinning on an exercise bike while using the internet, purchasing a round trip airline ticket to singapore, contemplating what color to dye my hair, considering what chuck and i should do this weekend for an hour or two... and managing a shopping list so long i need to visit the bank (which may invalidate the shopping experience due to a passionate introversion). why let a bank teller judge me based on my account balance, not even considering whether or not that bank maintains my main accounts. [*scowl*]
what are you listening to?
an erlend oye download, and a silly blur concert bootleg.
an ephedrine stack, painting watercolor cartoons [replication of the famous chat noir, finishing the ridiculous fish on cardboard (tm)], spinning on an exercise bike while using the internet, purchasing a round trip airline ticket to singapore, contemplating what color to dye my hair, considering what chuck and i should do this weekend for an hour or two... and managing a shopping list so long i need to visit the bank (which may invalidate the shopping experience due to a passionate introversion). why let a bank teller judge me based on my account balance, not even considering whether or not that bank maintains my main accounts. [*scowl*]
what are you listening to?
an erlend oye download, and a silly blur concert bootleg.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
random hysteria: over the course of the last month, the internet movie database has credited my listing with producing more titles in which i have had no part in making. it would be fair to credit what i produced last year, go ahead... but no, nowhere to be found.
san gorgonio wind turbines (windmills)-
interstate 10, palm springs, california
after the bathroom ceiling stopped dripping grey water, i unlocked the door of a loudly colored piece of ford mustang crap, and proceeded to numb my ass driving for ten hours. every minute which arrived after kfi am 640 faded from fat to too thin were spent listening to a garage sale bin assortment of compact discs. these were neither designed nor selected for my listening enjoyment. the mapped out journey through the desert between los angeles and phoenix was long, the sun was hot, and narcotic landscape of dry earth was neither art nor inspiring.
dead. dirt. dead. sky.
refusing to rest at the rest stops where one should neither rest nor stop, legs sunburned in the time it took to pump a small fortune of gasoline at the blythe, california arco station. somewhere after the border, but closer to quartzsite, arizona, i picked up an attitude. forty miles away from the blond and british destination in phoenix, mr. destination phoned, and stumbled hard when i caught him in a lie.
i disconnected the call without emotion. ten agonizing miles later i signaled at the first freeway off-ramp, turned the bug-splotched car around to face the blazing sun, and squinted all the way back to los angeles.
"...it was a good day and an evil day and all was bright and new
and it seemed to me that most destruction was being done
by those who could not choose between the two..."
and it seemed to me that most destruction was being done
by those who could not choose between the two..."
i promise one day everything will be better for you.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
eye know what all of you web-stats hit counter whores are thinking: "flagrant is supposed to be in phoenix today, why is she reloading my blog from a los angeles connection...? liar... bitch... nothing she says is true... that's it for her!"
well, as eye was leaving myflagrant apartment to go to phoenix, myflagrant upstairs neighbor decided to do something abnormal while taking a shower. eye don't know what he did differently from yesterday, but myflagrant bathroom ceiling decided to fall into myflagrant bathtub... along with fifty gallons of shower water.
note: this is the THIRD time this has happened to flagrantme and myflagrant bathroom since eye've moved here.
well, as eye was leaving myflagrant apartment to go to phoenix, myflagrant upstairs neighbor decided to do something abnormal while taking a shower. eye don't know what he did differently from yesterday, but myflagrant bathroom ceiling decided to fall into myflagrant bathtub... along with fifty gallons of shower water.
note: this is the THIRD time this has happened to flagrantme and myflagrant bathroom since eye've moved here.
Monday, June 09, 2003
the day trader account giveth and the day trader account taketh away.
just smack me because the flagrant insanity tour continues:
friday, august 8th: los angeles - papeete tahiti - auckland new zealand
friday, august 22nd: auckland new zealand - papeete tahiti - los angeles
friday, august 8th: los angeles - papeete tahiti - auckland new zealand
friday, august 22nd: auckland new zealand - papeete tahiti - los angeles
is this an airfare error or flight bargain of the year? for only USD $220 plus tax, one can purchase a round trip airline ticket which departs los angeles, california and arrives in auckland, new zealand. this airfare lacks the typical seven night minimum stay requirement, though a saturday night stay is required. ordinarily, highly discounted transpacific fares have ridiculous blackout date restrictions or are actually "50% off an additional passenger airfares" simply entered incorrectly into the system. for a non-refundable ticket, this promotional offer is fairly flexible.
there is a lot of fear between here and there, but why bow to the internal wallflower? why not pack up and go? well, for one reason, i traveled to new zealand last year. why waste any expense on the rehash when other destinations call?
consider: would the money spent honestly be wasted? should it matter if a previously wandered curiosity becomes a comfort? a $220 international getaway, regardless of object or address, would buy an awful lot of 'independence' therapy.
in my imagination, a stranger someone joins in on the fun. we could tentatively peer over the bungee jumping platform in queenstown, investigate the scenic coastline, drive through rural sheep-filled flats to arrive in the mountains, or poke at plum tomato salads (at the panini grill pub at the hanmer springs thermal spa). it's a peaceful destination. one of the greatest days of freedom i have ever experienced was spent sailing and then swimming with the dolphins out in the freezing ocean off of the coast of kaikoura. as an investment, it offered a 10000% return. new zealand is a wonderful country to visit.
oh, let's blame eating disorder and agoraphobia habits as an excuse to go. i once found food acceptable in nutrient and quantity, which fit all parameters of my rules, in a small town on the south island. <-- darn, i doubt i am 'sick enough' to have this statement influence action right now.
this airline deal rivals the price of attending the kroq weenie roast. the trip would occur on the same weekend as interpol and blur perform. when one considers paying for parking, tickets, drinks, plus my companion's snacks, the concert prices out higher than flying to new zealand for the sake of learning to tolerate owning ability.
there is a lot of fear between here and there, but why bow to the internal wallflower? why not pack up and go? well, for one reason, i traveled to new zealand last year. why waste any expense on the rehash when other destinations call?
consider: would the money spent honestly be wasted? should it matter if a previously wandered curiosity becomes a comfort? a $220 international getaway, regardless of object or address, would buy an awful lot of 'independence' therapy.
in my imagination, a stranger someone joins in on the fun. we could tentatively peer over the bungee jumping platform in queenstown, investigate the scenic coastline, drive through rural sheep-filled flats to arrive in the mountains, or poke at plum tomato salads (at the panini grill pub at the hanmer springs thermal spa). it's a peaceful destination. one of the greatest days of freedom i have ever experienced was spent sailing and then swimming with the dolphins out in the freezing ocean off of the coast of kaikoura. as an investment, it offered a 10000% return. new zealand is a wonderful country to visit.
oh, let's blame eating disorder and agoraphobia habits as an excuse to go. i once found food acceptable in nutrient and quantity, which fit all parameters of my rules, in a small town on the south island. <-- darn, i doubt i am 'sick enough' to have this statement influence action right now.
this airline deal rivals the price of attending the kroq weenie roast. the trip would occur on the same weekend as interpol and blur perform. when one considers paying for parking, tickets, drinks, plus my companion's snacks, the concert prices out higher than flying to new zealand for the sake of learning to tolerate owning ability.
keep the brain busy.
keep researching.
keep jumping into any project which avails itself.
keep the body active.
don't ever stop moving.
consider: forget to be sad?
keep researching.
keep jumping into any project which avails itself.
keep the body active.
don't ever stop moving.
consider: forget to be sad?
after all of the years of solitude and hibernation, i cannot find a way to sit still. this week i am traveling to las vegas, phoenix, the grand canyon, and a few other national parks in arizona. when i woke up this morning, i had no plans except to wear blue shoes and buy a halogen bulb for my desk lamp at the local red store.
invalid friend is kissing my ass today and it is not even 7:00am. all i did was mention that the new target date for major life changes has been scheduled for the end of july.
no, the third vomiting ritual did not happen. i had the water running and downed two litres of liquids, but the realization that i was about to have swollen parotids for a week and horrible skin tone for a few days took precedence over feeling physically lousy for merely six hours due eating a cup of rice. it doesn't matter how long the rice cooks, rice has the ability to expand and fill all inside cavities.
rice: oversized lice lives crawling up my esophagus [yeesh]
one time when i was very sick and supposedly dying, but looking seemingly normal compared to my future, my dad came into the restaurant i was in the process of renting-to-own and noticed that for a few weeks i had only been eating hard cookie dough pieces from the deep freezer. this was not true as i was in fact eating grilled chicken-less sandwiches without the bread or sauce. "don't stand too close to the grill," he joked, meaning that the cookie dough pellets would bake inside of my stomach and puff me up. horrified by the imagery, and the fact that someone broke my rule and mentioned my food, i made a dramatic scene of throwing the cardboard fast food cup of food away- using metal cooking tongs rather than bare hands. it's funny how people visit the dying daily to check their pulse or just to make sure they are still standing because they assume their body is dying, but then these same people inadvertently kill the supposedly dying with words. it was the brain that was shutting off. the body will endure. now i could laugh with my dad about food topics, but it is a subject he will not approach- still blaming himself for taking away my food that week.
since i thought i could get around purging the rice this afternoon, but decidedly was not going to endure any discomfort, i considered just how many sweet and low packets it would take to get the cherished laxative effect. after only six packets dumped on my tongue and many missed attempts at shooting the wrappers into the garbage can [plus remembering how horrible it was to swallow 10 chemical laxatives and 40 diuretics per day] i decided to go to bed.
1 diuretic = 200 mg of caffeine.
8 ounces brewed coffee = 80-135 mg of caffeine
blue foam: what will appear out of every orifice in your body, including your eyes, ear wax, and piercing puss, when you start dry swallowing 40 diuretics a day.
when i think about those months, and how i had public bathrooms in every direction memorized, my throat closes up and i swear i can taste those pills.
rice: oversized lice lives crawling up my esophagus [yeesh]
one time when i was very sick and supposedly dying, but looking seemingly normal compared to my future, my dad came into the restaurant i was in the process of renting-to-own and noticed that for a few weeks i had only been eating hard cookie dough pieces from the deep freezer. this was not true as i was in fact eating grilled chicken-less sandwiches without the bread or sauce. "don't stand too close to the grill," he joked, meaning that the cookie dough pellets would bake inside of my stomach and puff me up. horrified by the imagery, and the fact that someone broke my rule and mentioned my food, i made a dramatic scene of throwing the cardboard fast food cup of food away- using metal cooking tongs rather than bare hands. it's funny how people visit the dying daily to check their pulse or just to make sure they are still standing because they assume their body is dying, but then these same people inadvertently kill the supposedly dying with words. it was the brain that was shutting off. the body will endure. now i could laugh with my dad about food topics, but it is a subject he will not approach- still blaming himself for taking away my food that week.
since i thought i could get around purging the rice this afternoon, but decidedly was not going to endure any discomfort, i considered just how many sweet and low packets it would take to get the cherished laxative effect. after only six packets dumped on my tongue and many missed attempts at shooting the wrappers into the garbage can [plus remembering how horrible it was to swallow 10 chemical laxatives and 40 diuretics per day] i decided to go to bed.
1 diuretic = 200 mg of caffeine.
8 ounces brewed coffee = 80-135 mg of caffeine
blue foam: what will appear out of every orifice in your body, including your eyes, ear wax, and piercing puss, when you start dry swallowing 40 diuretics a day.
when i think about those months, and how i had public bathrooms in every direction memorized, my throat closes up and i swear i can taste those pills.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
i am supposed to say how bad it was the second time around the next day:
how it hurt and i look terrible- the guilt.
i am not supposed to say: cheese, bacon, special sauce, mmmm... is this how the other half live? carrot cake without commitment. it was so easy, it was right at the top. no pain no gain no guilt no way.
purging is very seductive and i will not lie but later after what felt like five mostly solid months off, the third time in two days found me too flabbergasted to argue.
how it hurt and i look terrible- the guilt.
i am not supposed to say: cheese, bacon, special sauce, mmmm... is this how the other half live? carrot cake without commitment. it was so easy, it was right at the top. no pain no gain no guilt no way.
purging is very seductive and i will not lie but later after what felt like five mostly solid months off, the third time in two days found me too flabbergasted to argue.
Saturday, June 07, 2003
[post about why i am in san francisco swallowed by blogger]
Friday, June 06, 2003
e-mail: tell me something interesting.
skip ahead one week from tomorrow, and then rewind back to 1997. that saturday, kroq fm weenie roast weekend, was the first time i ever made myself purge. i was in a hotel in carlsbad, california. then male roommate notscott ordered thin crust chicken and tomato pizza from pizza hut, and brought ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream back to the hotel from the convenience store. the day before i was in a car with british popstar dan abnormal. the day after i neglected to answer any of dan's telephone calls because it was rude to then male roommate notscott. notscott thought it was rather cool that i could make a celebrity redial a telephone so many times only to reach me, and yet be so numb by the attention as to care less and refuse to take any calls.
notscott always says: what could have happened there?
as though i passed something up or as though i missed out.
i missed out something with him, but it wasn't that week.
skip ahead one week from tomorrow, and then rewind back to 1997. that saturday, kroq fm weenie roast weekend, was the first time i ever made myself purge. i was in a hotel in carlsbad, california. then male roommate notscott ordered thin crust chicken and tomato pizza from pizza hut, and brought ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream back to the hotel from the convenience store. the day before i was in a car with british popstar dan abnormal. the day after i neglected to answer any of dan's telephone calls because it was rude to then male roommate notscott. notscott thought it was rather cool that i could make a celebrity redial a telephone so many times only to reach me, and yet be so numb by the attention as to care less and refuse to take any calls.
notscott always says: what could have happened there?
as though i passed something up or as though i missed out.
i missed out something with him, but it wasn't that week.
this might be an excuse, but it doesn't feel like it. i think i am worn out from the jungle trekking and so i am hungry, quite ravenous, and that is not to be tolerated.
a handful of vitamins a day for three days in an attempt to take care of that unacceptable craving problem and they made my scalp flake and my body feel hormonal.
-a same and different sick but not a sick to be tallied, plus doggy looking and greasy. peaked... nevermore.
so there it will be, my morning swishing down the sink.
- no more bathtubs.
- no more bloody bathtub vomit photos.
- that is so horrendous but... [shudder]
note: once last month and today counts for this month.
note: that is not bad.
note: plan to be very ugly for two days and not feel well.
consider: how did this used to happen ten times a day with ten times the food?
yesterday i had no identity, nothing but serious eating disorder for endless years- occasionally the girl with the very long hair but that was virtually not even a characteristic in comparison. what was i yesterday with the purging part of the eating disorder fading? nothing? no longer nothing, i seem to be trading it for the old hyper-competitive personality.
i'm getting old now so while i wear my little boy size pants
i cannot find anyone to challenge me lower.
sure there are some, fuglier than sin- definitely not interested.
i don't know who i am or what i am about except something about non-stop and sharp-tongue. travels a lot... doesn't have a real job...
in pain i prayed once on my knees in more pain from my knees on the floor
to god or the magic eight ball
or probably it was just the lead-based painted wall that heard me
to tone down to once or twice per day
forever and ever because that was all i could hope for
but now with an average less than once per month
it feels like i am about to commit a serious crime.
a handful of vitamins a day for three days in an attempt to take care of that unacceptable craving problem and they made my scalp flake and my body feel hormonal.
-a same and different sick but not a sick to be tallied, plus doggy looking and greasy. peaked... nevermore.
so there it will be, my morning swishing down the sink.
- no more bathtubs.
- no more bloody bathtub vomit photos.
- that is so horrendous but... [shudder]
note: once last month and today counts for this month.
note: that is not bad.
note: plan to be very ugly for two days and not feel well.
consider: how did this used to happen ten times a day with ten times the food?
yesterday i had no identity, nothing but serious eating disorder for endless years- occasionally the girl with the very long hair but that was virtually not even a characteristic in comparison. what was i yesterday with the purging part of the eating disorder fading? nothing? no longer nothing, i seem to be trading it for the old hyper-competitive personality.
i'm getting old now so while i wear my little boy size pants
i cannot find anyone to challenge me lower.
sure there are some, fuglier than sin- definitely not interested.
i don't know who i am or what i am about except something about non-stop and sharp-tongue. travels a lot... doesn't have a real job...
in pain i prayed once on my knees in more pain from my knees on the floor
to god or the magic eight ball
or probably it was just the lead-based painted wall that heard me
to tone down to once or twice per day
forever and ever because that was all i could hope for
but now with an average less than once per month
it feels like i am about to commit a serious crime.
no calls today dear they'll just have to wait dear
i offer no guarantee at all
so don't take it lightly you'll put yourself under
you're made up too shiny today (in so much trouble)
thoughts are just pissing away (in so much trouble)
a new type face and new day (in so much trouble)
you can't remember ten minutes ago (in so much trouble)
it's too much trouble...
trouble in the message centre- blur's finest three minutes
i offer no guarantee at all
so don't take it lightly you'll put yourself under
you're made up too shiny today (in so much trouble)
thoughts are just pissing away (in so much trouble)
a new type face and new day (in so much trouble)
you can't remember ten minutes ago (in so much trouble)
it's too much trouble...
trouble in the message centre- blur's finest three minutes
i have been smashed again... i was drunk once or twice, while playing tennis with a russian student at university over a decade ago- then only once from eating a rum raisin ritter sport chocolate square, but i think today is the first time since then i have been sloshed and it has come to happen before eight o'clock in the morning. strawberry jam with champagne from britain. not only allergic am i allergic to the fruit, but swaying too.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
"we are coming up on nina hagen week," i said. the singer has a few southern california appearances and is doing something called the 'shiva-shakti summer night' at the bohdi bookstore on melrose avenue in a few days. invalid friend chuck turns to me and says, "nina hagen? what the hell is that? ice cream?" maybe i need to start enunciating my words because he cannot possibly be that dumb.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
i need to write myself through a few situations this week as i am considering dropping money on a car and have not even done any research which is completely unlike me... until i found out this morning that a condominium unit downstairs is available for purchase and though it is not a bargain, it is a good price. mortgage rates are crazy and i would be renting it out for more than the cost of the mortgage payment.
it is a good thing. i have a car and only planned on buying a new one just because- not that i need it. i could go without a new car and make an investment instead or i could do both but i cannot bring myself to do that.
be impulsive on good things... do this. go ahead, it's a no-brainer. last year that unit cost half of what it is now and though the market is going to stabilize in this area, it still has not reached the top. just go just do. what could go wrong? no renter? that is not really a possibility, plus i could always live there.
i don't know if the current owner of the condo unit is a pure idiot, or is more impulsive than me. the last three identical units to his in this building have sold for much more than he is asking. the unit is a studio and i have seen that there is nothing wrong with it. how stupid is it to find a condo and fax a intent to purchase document within an hour or two?
"so did you buy the car today?" "no. on a whim this morning i bought the condo downstairs, and decided to wait on the car."
from now on good things = no thinking.
there is always a reason to not do something.
it is a good thing. i have a car and only planned on buying a new one just because- not that i need it. i could go without a new car and make an investment instead or i could do both but i cannot bring myself to do that.
be impulsive on good things... do this. go ahead, it's a no-brainer. last year that unit cost half of what it is now and though the market is going to stabilize in this area, it still has not reached the top. just go just do. what could go wrong? no renter? that is not really a possibility, plus i could always live there.
i don't know if the current owner of the condo unit is a pure idiot, or is more impulsive than me. the last three identical units to his in this building have sold for much more than he is asking. the unit is a studio and i have seen that there is nothing wrong with it. how stupid is it to find a condo and fax a intent to purchase document within an hour or two?
"so did you buy the car today?" "no. on a whim this morning i bought the condo downstairs, and decided to wait on the car."
from now on good things = no thinking.
there is always a reason to not do something.
i have been counting how many times sex enters my mind.
32 times, before 5:00am.
i am not turning japanese- i am turning into a guy.
32 times, before 5:00am.
i am not turning japanese- i am turning into a guy.
happy lately, elated enough to be on another planet. another facet. detached from me, and was, and used to be. what do i say? what are the words? happy. jolly? content. zoom. it's always been about the dark, THE DOOM, morrissey, and the other side of life. zoom, i sound like an idiot. got a better description?
shopping list:
- north face sleeping bag and tent.
- new olympus c-5050 zoom digital camera.
- used jeep or a landrover d90 xtreme.
- safe food.
- living air classic home air purifier.
- grumbacher ultramarine watercolor paint.
- arche cold press watercolor paper.
- robert simmons white sable round brushes.
- round trip airline ticket [los angeles - london].
- north face sleeping bag and tent.
- new olympus c-5050 zoom digital camera.
- used jeep or a landrover d90 xtreme.
- safe food.
- living air classic home air purifier.
- grumbacher ultramarine watercolor paint.
- arche cold press watercolor paper.
- robert simmons white sable round brushes.
- round trip airline ticket [los angeles - london].
Monday, June 02, 2003
[weak smile] i've got the depression gravity head going on.
do you think it would cost more or less than $5000 to have someone's lips removed? i don't necessarily want to kill anyone but would also like to try using a nail gun on chuck. see, now this could be a subject in a movie and barely anyone would flinch but if i publish those words here suddenly (whisper whisper) flagrant's got problems. if one draws it, wow, it's art. if one talks about it, that person must have a deep relationship with a psychotic illness. red wine with human flesh, right? these ephedrine aspirin caffeine stacks are bad news.
i now owe the los angeles times $45.00 due to stealing 30 newspapers yesterday.
eye am infatuated with a guy eye met in singapore who lives in england and works in australia and eye will have this obsessive crush for many days but will kiss him before eye die which could work because eye got a job offer last week to work in australia. aforementioned guy looks just like bunbury except he might be better looking. he is healthier, nicer, and can hear low tones, which is not a slam on anyone, rather, it is a practicality... and... and... and...
eye went out with him and we dipped new foods in sauces with sticks and then ate new foods off of said sticks with hands and scooped rice up with sticks and plastic spoons and another man was there to guide us along but knew when to leave. this was, by far, the strangest, out of habit, but comfortable night in myflagrant life. he wrapped his arms around flagrantme and eye didn't remember to get nervous and stiffen up or to even flex and turn as to protrude bones for hugging purposes... and his e-mail address is his name which is crazytown! we played the age game and he said eye look very young, like 23, and he qualified 23 by saying only because eye've been places and done things and therefore must be older than eye look. so eye don't know why eye am thinking about him when obviously eye will never excite any further relationship to take place.
eye went out with him and we dipped new foods in sauces with sticks and then ate new foods off of said sticks with hands and scooped rice up with sticks and plastic spoons and another man was there to guide us along but knew when to leave. this was, by far, the strangest, out of habit, but comfortable night in myflagrant life. he wrapped his arms around flagrantme and eye didn't remember to get nervous and stiffen up or to even flex and turn as to protrude bones for hugging purposes... and his e-mail address is his name which is crazytown! we played the age game and he said eye look very young, like 23, and he qualified 23 by saying only because eye've been places and done things and therefore must be older than eye look. so eye don't know why eye am thinking about him when obviously eye will never excite any further relationship to take place.
what is there to do in minneapolis on june 20, 21, and 22? i shouldn't have bought the airline ticket and have just planned to stay home.
in a strange twist of events, chuck seems to be more concerned with the possibility of losing his job that i am of him losing it. he is also nervous about looking bad in my eyes.
rubs palms together: yes, everything is falling into plan nicely. if you want to stay in my future life, you better not be weak.
i did map out the situation tonight for him by calling a job loss "the worst possible situation" while illustrating the possibility of a job transfer and showing other avenues. i also said sentences i should have recorded:
1) so what, you lose your job. you hate it there.
2) it will be rocky for two weeks, then uncomfortable for you the first week of your new job... big deal.
3) you're better than those people at that store and i'd like to see you working somewhere else anyhow.
in fact, i handled conversations about his stress so very well that it appears i have not only a grasp, but complete control and faith in what lies ahead in my own life. in a sickening way, i enjoy seeing the weak spots of people who are not mentally ill... people who continually mentioned that they could do anything... those people put on that they have it together but now exhibit obvious doubts and visible shakiness in their own world.
i hate to be such a bore and reiterate the same old words, but forever and ever until never i will find it hard to believe my life is coming together. i never thought it would. i thought i might get a job if i lived through the rockiness of learning to balance out. might.
i thought i might get a job.
how pathetic is that?
i have been starting to see the depths of illness.
i wasn't sick.
god was i sick.
i have some decent job offers now and i do not know the direction to take for they are all pretty good. i could continue to work for myself, and i believe i always will in some form. i do some writing and publishing now but it isn't an everyday job. an off again on again friend and i will make two projects this year, and if we obtain sponsors for them they could do well, but then what? i don't want to get stuck producing as a living or do this for more than one year.
financially, the outside job offers i have received are across the board, but realistically i could benefit from any of them. unfortunately, or, of course, the australian job that would be interesting and tweak my social skills the tightest will be the lowest paying: somewhere around $normal. maybe less, because the people i would be working with and building the business all keep helping each other reinforce the idea that the job is "to make a difference" therefore not a monetary issue. the brain-dead government job with full benefits pays in the $double normal range and i figure i should do this until i figure out my place in the world... even part-time... just go do that for now. i should do that today. i know. i'm not scared, i should just call about it as soon as i can. through meeting people this year, i have been brought to the attention of a producer at a morning news show who would like to hire me as a worldwide correspondent. my first thought was to fill her head with reasons why i could not do the job- but now why can't i? i can't do it because i have just recently been very sick? time is starting to pass and the past is becoming the, thankfully, past. a newsreader? no. she needs a few international correspondents traveling with camera operators out in far off, high-risk places- not too big of a deal, and not an everyday deal, just one of 100 people on her wall of monitors that she can cut away to during the morning show. she is looking for a bit of an adventurer, someone who loves going to crazy places and can endure the local scene. pays low, she apologized, in the low six figures. i think some people dream for a chance like this, but i do not think that is my place or fair. still, my personality and abilities are rapidly changing, and i know i should at least interview for the position because if i were hired, who knows what kind of person i will be six months or so from now when i would actually begin work.
i have just come full cycle again over the last three weeks- i am completely someone else. two months ago. i do not know who that was... someone with self-doubt. i feel like i could go running during the daytime now, if that means anything. maybe with one of those stretchy sports tops rather than an oversized windbreaker.
rubs palms together: yes, everything is falling into plan nicely. if you want to stay in my future life, you better not be weak.
i did map out the situation tonight for him by calling a job loss "the worst possible situation" while illustrating the possibility of a job transfer and showing other avenues. i also said sentences i should have recorded:
1) so what, you lose your job. you hate it there.
2) it will be rocky for two weeks, then uncomfortable for you the first week of your new job... big deal.
3) you're better than those people at that store and i'd like to see you working somewhere else anyhow.
in fact, i handled conversations about his stress so very well that it appears i have not only a grasp, but complete control and faith in what lies ahead in my own life. in a sickening way, i enjoy seeing the weak spots of people who are not mentally ill... people who continually mentioned that they could do anything... those people put on that they have it together but now exhibit obvious doubts and visible shakiness in their own world.
i hate to be such a bore and reiterate the same old words, but forever and ever until never i will find it hard to believe my life is coming together. i never thought it would. i thought i might get a job if i lived through the rockiness of learning to balance out. might.
i thought i might get a job.
how pathetic is that?
i have been starting to see the depths of illness.
i wasn't sick.
god was i sick.
i have some decent job offers now and i do not know the direction to take for they are all pretty good. i could continue to work for myself, and i believe i always will in some form. i do some writing and publishing now but it isn't an everyday job. an off again on again friend and i will make two projects this year, and if we obtain sponsors for them they could do well, but then what? i don't want to get stuck producing as a living or do this for more than one year.
financially, the outside job offers i have received are across the board, but realistically i could benefit from any of them. unfortunately, or, of course, the australian job that would be interesting and tweak my social skills the tightest will be the lowest paying: somewhere around $normal. maybe less, because the people i would be working with and building the business all keep helping each other reinforce the idea that the job is "to make a difference" therefore not a monetary issue. the brain-dead government job with full benefits pays in the $double normal range and i figure i should do this until i figure out my place in the world... even part-time... just go do that for now. i should do that today. i know. i'm not scared, i should just call about it as soon as i can. through meeting people this year, i have been brought to the attention of a producer at a morning news show who would like to hire me as a worldwide correspondent. my first thought was to fill her head with reasons why i could not do the job- but now why can't i? i can't do it because i have just recently been very sick? time is starting to pass and the past is becoming the, thankfully, past. a newsreader? no. she needs a few international correspondents traveling with camera operators out in far off, high-risk places- not too big of a deal, and not an everyday deal, just one of 100 people on her wall of monitors that she can cut away to during the morning show. she is looking for a bit of an adventurer, someone who loves going to crazy places and can endure the local scene. pays low, she apologized, in the low six figures. i think some people dream for a chance like this, but i do not think that is my place or fair. still, my personality and abilities are rapidly changing, and i know i should at least interview for the position because if i were hired, who knows what kind of person i will be six months or so from now when i would actually begin work.
i have just come full cycle again over the last three weeks- i am completely someone else. two months ago. i do not know who that was... someone with self-doubt. i feel like i could go running during the daytime now, if that means anything. maybe with one of those stretchy sports tops rather than an oversized windbreaker.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
eye don't have to kill myflagrantself because chuck is about to lose his job and don't feel like hurting myflagrantself over the inability of idiot fools that surround flagrantme. that is them, not flagrantme and two months tops this won't be myflagrant problem. lately cutting or pounding myflagrantself makes no sense in any regard. sun shines in the dark ... trippy.
have [---- line between ----] have not. i think i have but it isn't helping too much in maintaining a sense of calm- obviously i am going to need the continual having.
chuck is having problems with his job and it looks like he just received a negative review. what does he expect? he is an incapable and lazy, yet very hard working when it comes to spinning his wheels. i love our polemic conversations as he ordinarily raises his voice to me and yells that no one else on earth thinks he is unable. sure, no one has any type of problems with him. nobody. unfortunately for him, people are not successfully keeping me down anymore.
i particularly love my statement: i don't exactly need you- obviously it is clear i can handle myself and if that is not true, it sure is close. it sounds bitchy pointing it out as often as possible but i am just reminding people who seem to be needing me. nope, sorry. i will not be here for you. did i really say that?
chuck has not had a girlfriend or had sex since 1993 yet everyone loves him, he says. mm-hmm. i have never seen him talk to another person aside from myself but he swears he could get friends if it weren't for me but i never asked him to ever drop by. i can but cannot reciprocate and end up unable to retain any friendships.
i told him i was interested in possibly working with some people in australia for a few months to get a hostel set up and chuck asked if he was accompanying me. boggle what an idiot! he knows my big plan is to pussy whip him into paying my bills while i am gone! doesn't he see this? hello? this is very clear. why didn't it register?
maybe i am getting too bold as i assume i will buy a condo here for chuck to live in, and he can make the rent payments in the same amount as my mortgage payment, if not more, while i go off and find my own life around the world. if he needs to be around, i am going to benefit from him, be the greedy slog, and take and take and take and take. i am basically setting myself up to put other people's lives in my hands and if they will put their eggs in my basket, i will be the one who decides when to walk away with and how to manage the basket. i have only been up front with this: people who helped me hurt during "those years" are to be used for nothing else. what is the worst that can happen? that would involve me working, living in, and paying for my own house. everyone i know lives that life, yet my plan is for that picture to be my worst case scenario. the worm turns and i will hold the pink slip on your life if you aren't too careful. what's the difference if chuck is renting from me, and his payments are managing my mortgage? cash flow... maybe i can convince him to get a roommate and then buy a bigger house.
take no crap, just take everything else. did i say that? my worries about taking and having? i'll dole it out to where i think it should go. then let me exchange strung-along chuck for someone different. since i met new people over the last two weeks and i realized that other people do in fact find me interesting and want to spend time with me- i'm not stuck. chuck can take all of his hideous self-righteous qualities that appeared when his aneurysm blew up his brain and his white trash habits and find a way to accidentally get run over by a car. twice.
but wait! i am not totally ready- i need two months to finish getting my anxiety in order. his job problems will be his own and i won't stress out about them.
chuck says: "i'm in a quandary... blah blah blah... bad review... sandbagging me... don't know what to do... etc..."
flagrant thinks: oh mother of god don't let him lose his job. i am buying a car. i am buying a house. last month i went to asia and europe and i have another two vacations this month only because things were feeling stable.
lately i've started mumbling to myself:
you are gone... you are over... i just need a few weeks... and these are my happiest thoughts of the month. i couldn't imagine if he was a boyfriend and i could think this way... how far along i'd be in order to say, "go away." am i turning into something terrible, or just finally getting what i need from myself, or have i nothing to do except to shake things up for fun?
for stability in my own mind i should accept that dumb job. the daytrading account could die tomorrow from any number of circumstances. when i order myself to get neurotic and ridiculous again, i won't believe in my abilities, and i need to accept that outside employment to ease my mind. it could be a good rut to be in for a little while.
right now... i would not be thinking chuck's problem is almost the end of the world if i had already accepted the job. the regular paycheck every two weeks combined with chuck's bad news... i think, honestly, i would probably say "so what are you going to do" rather than thinking "what am i going to do." i am convinced i would have a much better attitude- no desperation to put my mind and projects into overdrive. earning money and having it stuck in savings is not reassuring, when future consistency is what i need.
chuck is having problems with his job and it looks like he just received a negative review. what does he expect? he is an incapable and lazy, yet very hard working when it comes to spinning his wheels. i love our polemic conversations as he ordinarily raises his voice to me and yells that no one else on earth thinks he is unable. sure, no one has any type of problems with him. nobody. unfortunately for him, people are not successfully keeping me down anymore.
i particularly love my statement: i don't exactly need you- obviously it is clear i can handle myself and if that is not true, it sure is close. it sounds bitchy pointing it out as often as possible but i am just reminding people who seem to be needing me. nope, sorry. i will not be here for you. did i really say that?
chuck has not had a girlfriend or had sex since 1993 yet everyone loves him, he says. mm-hmm. i have never seen him talk to another person aside from myself but he swears he could get friends if it weren't for me but i never asked him to ever drop by. i can but cannot reciprocate and end up unable to retain any friendships.
i told him i was interested in possibly working with some people in australia for a few months to get a hostel set up and chuck asked if he was accompanying me. boggle what an idiot! he knows my big plan is to pussy whip him into paying my bills while i am gone! doesn't he see this? hello? this is very clear. why didn't it register?
maybe i am getting too bold as i assume i will buy a condo here for chuck to live in, and he can make the rent payments in the same amount as my mortgage payment, if not more, while i go off and find my own life around the world. if he needs to be around, i am going to benefit from him, be the greedy slog, and take and take and take and take. i am basically setting myself up to put other people's lives in my hands and if they will put their eggs in my basket, i will be the one who decides when to walk away with and how to manage the basket. i have only been up front with this: people who helped me hurt during "those years" are to be used for nothing else. what is the worst that can happen? that would involve me working, living in, and paying for my own house. everyone i know lives that life, yet my plan is for that picture to be my worst case scenario. the worm turns and i will hold the pink slip on your life if you aren't too careful. what's the difference if chuck is renting from me, and his payments are managing my mortgage? cash flow... maybe i can convince him to get a roommate and then buy a bigger house.
take no crap, just take everything else. did i say that? my worries about taking and having? i'll dole it out to where i think it should go. then let me exchange strung-along chuck for someone different. since i met new people over the last two weeks and i realized that other people do in fact find me interesting and want to spend time with me- i'm not stuck. chuck can take all of his hideous self-righteous qualities that appeared when his aneurysm blew up his brain and his white trash habits and find a way to accidentally get run over by a car. twice.
but wait! i am not totally ready- i need two months to finish getting my anxiety in order. his job problems will be his own and i won't stress out about them.
chuck says: "i'm in a quandary... blah blah blah... bad review... sandbagging me... don't know what to do... etc..."
flagrant thinks: oh mother of god don't let him lose his job. i am buying a car. i am buying a house. last month i went to asia and europe and i have another two vacations this month only because things were feeling stable.
lately i've started mumbling to myself:
you are gone... you are over... i just need a few weeks... and these are my happiest thoughts of the month. i couldn't imagine if he was a boyfriend and i could think this way... how far along i'd be in order to say, "go away." am i turning into something terrible, or just finally getting what i need from myself, or have i nothing to do except to shake things up for fun?
for stability in my own mind i should accept that dumb job. the daytrading account could die tomorrow from any number of circumstances. when i order myself to get neurotic and ridiculous again, i won't believe in my abilities, and i need to accept that outside employment to ease my mind. it could be a good rut to be in for a little while.
right now... i would not be thinking chuck's problem is almost the end of the world if i had already accepted the job. the regular paycheck every two weeks combined with chuck's bad news... i think, honestly, i would probably say "so what are you going to do" rather than thinking "what am i going to do." i am convinced i would have a much better attitude- no desperation to put my mind and projects into overdrive. earning money and having it stuck in savings is not reassuring, when future consistency is what i need.
situation one: eye need more connections.
eye think eye have friends, but they do not live on this continent, so contrary to popular opinion, they do not count. perhaps i can feign that they are imaginary, and continue to ignore. who knows but it sure feels that way.
last month, eye chatted with a female seatmate on a flight between los angeles and tokyo. this was en route to singapore. the two of us got along very well and thought each other to be the perfect candidate for future traveling- possibly to vietnam. we exchanged addresses, telephone numbers, hopes and dreams, and eye even sent her postcards while whittling away humid afternoons on tropical malaysian beaches.
this morning myflagrant telephone rang. eye had to check to see if it was in fact myflagrant telephone that was signaling, since it doesn't ring often. eye did at first believe the noise to just be one of myflagrant rarely listened to compact discs blaring with superior sound output from myflagrant home stereo system. no, it was the telephone and when eye noticed the area code in the caller id window flashed six-one-nine san diego, the handset was abruptly turned off in a panic because eye knew it was the woman eye met on the flight.
great... eye need friends, want connections, know it would be good for flagrantme and yet eye automatically isolate myflagrantself.
situation two (see situation one): eye need more connections.
eye met a man in singapore and never in myflagrant life, except once, have eye ever felt completely comfortable with being alive next to another person. we talked about everything, and eye laughed without holding myflagrant hand up to mask myflagrant expression. basically, eye felt as though eye could act normal without thinking that eye was pushing limits. also, and infinitely more important, this was done without feeling as if eye was acting. another interesting fact was eye felt no desire to dissect this man's choices in living, opinion, or looks, and did not say one derogatory statement towards him- not even to break the ice which is what eye usually do.
eye let him touch flagrantme, and though platonic, it was still far beyond what eye would have ever allowed anyone- even people who have known flagrantme for years. this person felt 100% correct.
eye have his e-mail address but he does not have flagrantmine. eye cannot write to him as eye would either write 20K of drivel or inappropriate over-the-top blather... too much or something terse when neither would be the goal. perhaps we knew each other in a previous life, he suggested as eye was thinking we had been married on an alternative scale. something. a good connection was there and eye am about to blow it.
situation three: eye need more connections.
when traveling in singapore, eye blogged about the antiseptic city state being boring enough to stop gravity, and how eye needed people to walk around with flagrantme. eye never responded to the bloggers who wrote and suggested we get together. yes, eye suck and then sulk either way, too.
situation four: eye need more connections.
eye need to buy a car. scratch that. eye WANT to buy a car and for no other reason other than eye WANT it and this is what eye WANT to do. eye need someone to go with flagrantme to the car dealership and look at potential new cars with flagrantme and then drone on with meaningless opinions.
one option: british film director friend is currently visiting los angeles. he will tell flagrantme eye don't need the new car because myflagrant oldbutnewcar is spectacular- but since when does that matter?
eye think eye have friends, but they do not live on this continent, so contrary to popular opinion, they do not count. perhaps i can feign that they are imaginary, and continue to ignore. who knows but it sure feels that way.
last month, eye chatted with a female seatmate on a flight between los angeles and tokyo. this was en route to singapore. the two of us got along very well and thought each other to be the perfect candidate for future traveling- possibly to vietnam. we exchanged addresses, telephone numbers, hopes and dreams, and eye even sent her postcards while whittling away humid afternoons on tropical malaysian beaches.
this morning myflagrant telephone rang. eye had to check to see if it was in fact myflagrant telephone that was signaling, since it doesn't ring often. eye did at first believe the noise to just be one of myflagrant rarely listened to compact discs blaring with superior sound output from myflagrant home stereo system. no, it was the telephone and when eye noticed the area code in the caller id window flashed six-one-nine san diego, the handset was abruptly turned off in a panic because eye knew it was the woman eye met on the flight.
great... eye need friends, want connections, know it would be good for flagrantme and yet eye automatically isolate myflagrantself.
situation two (see situation one): eye need more connections.
eye met a man in singapore and never in myflagrant life, except once, have eye ever felt completely comfortable with being alive next to another person. we talked about everything, and eye laughed without holding myflagrant hand up to mask myflagrant expression. basically, eye felt as though eye could act normal without thinking that eye was pushing limits. also, and infinitely more important, this was done without feeling as if eye was acting. another interesting fact was eye felt no desire to dissect this man's choices in living, opinion, or looks, and did not say one derogatory statement towards him- not even to break the ice which is what eye usually do.
eye let him touch flagrantme, and though platonic, it was still far beyond what eye would have ever allowed anyone- even people who have known flagrantme for years. this person felt 100% correct.
eye have his e-mail address but he does not have flagrantmine. eye cannot write to him as eye would either write 20K of drivel or inappropriate over-the-top blather... too much or something terse when neither would be the goal. perhaps we knew each other in a previous life, he suggested as eye was thinking we had been married on an alternative scale. something. a good connection was there and eye am about to blow it.
situation three: eye need more connections.
when traveling in singapore, eye blogged about the antiseptic city state being boring enough to stop gravity, and how eye needed people to walk around with flagrantme. eye never responded to the bloggers who wrote and suggested we get together. yes, eye suck and then sulk either way, too.
situation four: eye need more connections.
eye need to buy a car. scratch that. eye WANT to buy a car and for no other reason other than eye WANT it and this is what eye WANT to do. eye need someone to go with flagrantme to the car dealership and look at potential new cars with flagrantme and then drone on with meaningless opinions.
one option: british film director friend is currently visiting los angeles. he will tell flagrantme eye don't need the new car because myflagrant oldbutnewcar is spectacular- but since when does that matter?
myflagrant plan for today is to reestablish the neuroticism which left and subsequently extinguished myflagrant creativity months ago. help flagrantme write and paint. eye am bored of boredom and able is stable. should eye purposefully eat to a carbohydrate induced dizziness, voraciously vomit into the sink, and then become truly loopy on the blog? eye am considering turning it on for reasons of art rather than reasons of taste. odd, eye'd thought taste'd trump all calls for keeping it off.
another option is to swipe thirty los angeles times sunday newspapers from the coin-op machines. this issue includes a $1.00 off "tidy cats" cat litter coupon which when doubled at ralph's (grocery store) renders the cat litter to ring up free. then, in this imaginary land of thievery and nonsense, perhaps eye will not properly dispose of the remaining newspaper portions as to decrease the property value of this unfathomably priced condominium complex.
another option is to swipe thirty los angeles times sunday newspapers from the coin-op machines. this issue includes a $1.00 off "tidy cats" cat litter coupon which when doubled at ralph's (grocery store) renders the cat litter to ring up free. then, in this imaginary land of thievery and nonsense, perhaps eye will not properly dispose of the remaining newspaper portions as to decrease the property value of this unfathomably priced condominium complex.
frequent flyer mileage + elite bonuses + posted = snoopy dance
suddenly self-conscious:
if you ever found a reason to read blog entries here, today it stops.
if you ever found a reason to read blog entries here, today it stops.
an airline ticket to nowheresville was purchased today, which is a complete reverse of the original plan to redeem frequent flyer miles. the point of taking the trip to singapore and malaysia in may was to accumulate frequent flyer miles and then burn them flying home this summer. a round trip ticket to nowheresville priced out less than its typical $600 fare, and so i paid for it rather than requesting an award ticket.
the hoarded airline miles will come in handy as i will return to singapore in the fall, and visit both australia and canada this year on work related issues. the only flights i want to accept financial responsibility for involve globe trotting. if must fly on an inflexible schedule to sydney and vancouver, i need airline miles available to soothe the financial monster.
motherfigure requested vacation time off expressly for the two of us to travel on a vacation together in september. i honestly don't mind the trip, but do mind being tied to obligation without an opinion. also, is it now expected that we will vacation together annually? how are we supposed to do that? i understand that these trips allow her a second chance to get to know me, but even though cost effective, they are a bit rich. we simply cannot choose to travel to 'a chance of a lifetime' destination annually. we need to decide to help build the world-- not tromp all over it.
it's also loathsome how the easy, english speaking, commercialized countries like australia and england get her vote. i might push for costa rica only because i can't think of another destination which may offer the best blend of (tolerated) diversity for her. what i am saying is that costa rica would be a stretch for motherfigure during the preparation, but not that much after arrival or while engaged. perhaps a tropical rainforest is the next step after 'circle the island/volcano tours' in hawaii, wandering around art galleries in paris, and freezing at christmas markets in germany. costa rica-- is arm twisting necessary?
on the other hand, no thank you and i don't care who pays for it! how dare someone put me in a position to feel obligated?
on the third hand, if she pays for the vacation, i will push for a culturally rich trip to japan.
traveling to whoknowswhere is fine and great but the lack of enthusiasm rings valid. certainly there are other things to do at this time in my life-- no time to waste.
consider: developing a relationship with my mother is positive.
consider: this is not a waste of time.
her current form of nowheresville is famous for lakes and trees. it's famous for mosquitoes, wolves, and bears. i'd rather not visit their home right now.
the day after my flight from nowheresville returns me to los angeles, i board a flight to london to attend the glastonbury festival.
consider: scoffing at life.
consider: its appalling excess.
note: i have to want to take, and don't yet want.
consider: tolerating nowheresville earns glastonbury?
i don't really need to leave the house.
never want to go anywhere.
agoraphobia feels to be a safety
until thoughts of when something dramatic happens.
what does japan, england, or costa rica matter?
so what?
must... find... reason... to... live...
the hoarded airline miles will come in handy as i will return to singapore in the fall, and visit both australia and canada this year on work related issues. the only flights i want to accept financial responsibility for involve globe trotting. if must fly on an inflexible schedule to sydney and vancouver, i need airline miles available to soothe the financial monster.
motherfigure requested vacation time off expressly for the two of us to travel on a vacation together in september. i honestly don't mind the trip, but do mind being tied to obligation without an opinion. also, is it now expected that we will vacation together annually? how are we supposed to do that? i understand that these trips allow her a second chance to get to know me, but even though cost effective, they are a bit rich. we simply cannot choose to travel to 'a chance of a lifetime' destination annually. we need to decide to help build the world-- not tromp all over it.
it's also loathsome how the easy, english speaking, commercialized countries like australia and england get her vote. i might push for costa rica only because i can't think of another destination which may offer the best blend of (tolerated) diversity for her. what i am saying is that costa rica would be a stretch for motherfigure during the preparation, but not that much after arrival or while engaged. perhaps a tropical rainforest is the next step after 'circle the island/volcano tours' in hawaii, wandering around art galleries in paris, and freezing at christmas markets in germany. costa rica-- is arm twisting necessary?
on the other hand, no thank you and i don't care who pays for it! how dare someone put me in a position to feel obligated?
on the third hand, if she pays for the vacation, i will push for a culturally rich trip to japan.
traveling to whoknowswhere is fine and great but the lack of enthusiasm rings valid. certainly there are other things to do at this time in my life-- no time to waste.
consider: developing a relationship with my mother is positive.
consider: this is not a waste of time.
her current form of nowheresville is famous for lakes and trees. it's famous for mosquitoes, wolves, and bears. i'd rather not visit their home right now.
the day after my flight from nowheresville returns me to los angeles, i board a flight to london to attend the glastonbury festival.
consider: scoffing at life.
consider: its appalling excess.
note: i have to want to take, and don't yet want.
consider: tolerating nowheresville earns glastonbury?
i don't really need to leave the house.
never want to go anywhere.
agoraphobia feels to be a safety
until thoughts of when something dramatic happens.
what does japan, england, or costa rica matter?
so what?
must... find... reason... to... live...
other non-depressed people are beginning to piss me off with the way they like to refer to themselves with clinical terms. i refer to the self-diagnosed daily grind, workerbee types who could get happy but choose to remain stuck working for someone else. even with trying to visualize life without eating disorder, how to live monday through friday with nothing to look forward to but being released for an unpaid lunch hour? imagine the upswing of the day hindering on whether or not a fussy vending machine will accept your dollar bill. the decisions these individuals made, the effort put into it, and now, earning merely office cubicle caliber results are apparently hell. it's not depression- it's simply the ants in the hill realizing they are functioning at full capacity. there is no dsm entry for that.
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