flagrant disregard

yesterday, as my flight from tokyo landed into honolulu, i thought it was good to be back in the united states. a comfort level and security had obviously returned in concert with domestic familiarity. a long layover in hawaii had been arranged to take care of some work, saving the rest of the time to either hike the diamond head trail for a spot of exercise, or finally visit the arizona memorial at pearl harbor. perhaps, if there was time, TheBUS could easily deliver me to chinatown and to the ala moana shopping center before skipping back to the airport.


view of diamond head state park
northwest airlines: honolulu, oahu (hnl) - los angeles (lax)

ha, yeah right. one of the great unanswered questions of my life remains as to why i must either insist on traveling as cheaply as possible or as the locals do when convenience is merely a $30 rental car fee away.

rather than lug my jungle luggage around the island, i needed to either find the short term luggage storage service or a coin operated locker before leaving the airport. after wandering around the fragrant open air terminals (designed with anything but independent traveler dynamics in mind, but perfect to facilitate 'meet and greets' or to direct tour groups arriving en masse) the temporary luggage storage request was met with, "sorry. due to enhanced airport security requirements, we neither have left luggage rooms nor lockers available since september 11th."
fine. it's not, but okay.

the original plan had been to use TheBUS, public transportation heralded in most guides as convenient and efficient, but with currency exchange services not yet opened for business, i only had american currency in large denominations or a five dollar bill. after standing under the blazing sun at the curb for twenty minutes, come to find out TheBUS only takes exact change.
well, that makes sense.
what do i know about buses?

i returned to the terminal, intending to purchase something unnecessary at a random gift kiosk to make change, but airport shopping was still dark. consider how numerous flights carrying 400 passengers each arrive from asia before 8:00am but signs in the airport stated shops would not be open for business until after 9:00am.

ah, frustration!
try to bring it down a notch.
i'm on island time!
so what?! an airport is a business.
what about profit? who is in charge?

[tick tock]

i stalled, tried to read the free travel literature scattered around in the arrivals lounge, and then brushed my teeth for 15 minutes in an out of the way restroom. ten minutes were spent poking out an unintelligible e-mail on my mobile phone to another blogger that said something abbreviated and unnecessary like: "n honolulu now, hotter n F here." the idea of hiking notorious "no shade diamond head park" with panting tourists and while carrying a heavy pack was abandoned. instead, i decided to investigate navigating an inexpensive route to pearl harbor.

dear fate,
please don't make me rent a car. i don't have a reservation, promotional code, or online access. there is no reason to be absurd and rent a car when the conflict only involves me and oahu. TheBUS is more than adequate transportation.
thanks.

- business hours arrived
- bought a fountain diet coke from a pleasant woman
- received change for the five dollar bill

"no luggage allowed on TheBUS."


anchor of the battleship uss arizona
arizona memorial visitor center at pearl harbor

see, international travel is EASY compared to here.
jungle luggage eventually tightened up and morphed itself into a backpack.

dealing with the homeless today:
"i am sorry but i only have japanese yen."

[like, southern california]
it has taken me three days to arrive home since starting the return trip but actually only two days on paper.
1) banking file cabinet drawers are not closed properly.
2) television is on and is too loud.
3) house smells like burnt chocolate cake but none was found.
4) oh no, someone's been sleeping in my bed.
5) my extremely expensive leather case is being used by someone other than me.
6) checked internet explorer history and no porn was detected.
7) fire safe has definitely been opened.
8) all bottled water has been depleted.
9) two of four plants, not including persephone, are crisp and dead.

[currently blogging from a coin-operated internet terminal]
[new tokyo international airport @ narita, japan]
(now known as narita international airport)



<-- photograph of a narita energy cube.

if you were enduring a layover at tokyo's narita airport, what would you be doing? there is a sense of urgency from non-traveling types that i should be involved in anything other than sitting at this kiosk. collecting pokemon or other japanese trends to sell on ebay is an obvious suggestion, as this is an easy place to secure overpriced anime, dragonball, sanrio, or neopets. unfortunately, this layover is much too long to act as a short break, but slightly too short to map a cause off of the property. i transverse this airport often and am not too interested in much aside from getting some exercise prior to connecting on to honolulu.

link: mike newman's narita layover page

my camera batteries are virtually dead and wearing this backpacker kit (at a time when this airport is mostly populated by business travelers) is killing me. though i would rather not continue to walk mind-numbing laps through these concourses, i had better in an effort to ward off deep vein thrombosis.

a package of traditional grape hi-chew was collected from the convenience store in terminal one and stashed in my backpack. such a grand two dollar thrill anorexia allows today. it's some kind of strange obsession. whenever connecting through narita, i always visit the same shop and buy the same item, or at least choose to go look and return to that memory. the question is, who will receive it? is it mine? does the trash can get to eat it? am i to toss it to my invalid friend chuck upon returning home? he was with me at narita when the ritual started. a long time ago, chuck and i connected through tokyo and accidentally bought hi chew thinking it was grape flavored chewing gum.

one of my relatives is completely obsessed with disney, but there is a lack of adequate time and enthusiasm between flights to take the 'limobus' or 'jr narita express' to tokyo disneyland/disneysea in chiba. consider how it would legitimately give me a pictorial reason to be distressed over the world. motherfigure suggested i photograph the amusement park and...? return with a showcase and report...? the jokes write themselves.

barely enough time between these flights remains for me to visit the narita-san shinsho-ji temple park (in nearby narita city). so, what should i do here?

god, summon up a subject to blog about or log off! outdated great white songs cycled on the inflight entertainment playlist on the flight i just deplaned and are now unfortunately stuck in a loop in my head. okay, this isn't working. i'll use up my remaining yen on this computer terminal and go walk around.


diet coke aluminum bottle with long-necked silhouette- tokyo, japan

if you're bored then you're boring... i spy another american who isn't traveling on business... an antibacterial sars mask... vending machines producing diet coke sold in more bizarre aluminium containers than last time... and there seems to be more fake plastic sushi platters on display than usual. could it be? did it take substantial terminal renovations to spark an attempt to accommodate the foreign travelers need for translated menus?

the previously mentioned american traveler is further reducing our entire "lack of culture" by proving he cannot live without mayonnaise. there is adequate novelty here, but he has just walked into the mcdonald's restaurant. let's guess. is Mr. Not-McHottie surveying the pictorial menu for the ebi chiki set, the macaroni and cheese burger, or for that which he has prior experience?
three very "lite" words, big guy: omelet lettuce sandwich.
nope: teriyaki mcburger.

[little india, the inn crowd hostel, singapore]
today some strange female with what feels like a body-- god help me and i am blaming it on the heat rather than food, or maybe my underwear is just too old -- was seen yelling down campbell avenue in singapore, "hey, are we going out for satay later?" what's going on with me? the food situation is currently better than it was, and hardly considered anywhere near normal, but I DON'T LIKE IT.

i am boarding an airplane for tokyo in a few hours.

this afternoon was spent hunting for the perfect gaudy, bauble, or trinket for my xenophobic, infection control overload of a motherfigure. specifically, i grabbed a neon magnet for her kitchen refrigerator. it's a specimen that defined taiwan rather than singapore, and came in a multitude of flashy colors. she will be looking at this reminder many, many, many times per day. everyone else got pewter fish bottle openers, funky foreign candy, and some other choice crap. you know, nothing says 'little india' better than a heavyweight manchester united jersey for $5 singapore dollars! ($2.91 usd)

[little india, the inn crowd hostel, singapore]
recovering from myself must be holding me back physically. either i used to be in much better shape back when weighing under 90 pounds, or was just completely dissociated from the DAILY LIFE and pain that i could endure much more than now. it is obviously more of the latter, but i just might have been healthier. for instance, i am carrying around this backpack which weighs about sixty pounds (<-- exaggeration) and i think i am going to die. it never used to be this tiring, but then again, i only take caffeine before morning workouts, rarely swallow ephedrine, and never abuse phentermine anymore. either way, this sack is probably over half of my current weight (<-- exaggeration) and i have found an interesting freedom in sitting on benches and walking up escalators instead of goading myself on and on. eight protein bars were packed along on this trip, except i could have used every one of them by the end of the second day. it hurts my feelings to need food, but it feels better than wanting food. restricting due to anxiety just sounds like some far off world that i know about but never visited. sometimes i choose less effective foods, sometimes not, but my decisions are not leaving me feeling deprived or overwhelmed. no one would believe me.

important: i thought i would always need the ability to purge because i would always have an ability to overeat, but that is simply not true. i am regaining feelings and find it impossible to eat too much.

new concept: never hurting this body intentionally.

for one meal, i found myself playing normal. the hostel where i am spending the night does not allow food and drink in the dorm, and it did not even occur to me to find issue with this. i bought some indian food at a hawker center that was somewhat familiar, somewhat awful, and it doesn't matter because if the food is disgusting something else can be selected. there is no compulsion to eat it because "that's what i picked." growing up in destitute household automatically enrolls one in the clean your plate club, teaches great lessons on how to spend any money received on junk food, how to eat an entire bag of potato chips before anyone else can get to them, and to never ever waste food. hunger in america is pure propaganda and i will set out to prove it. this take out indian food i have is zucchini, onions, and tomato chunks in rice- it is sort of gross/greasy and maybe i will quit it and try another type of food later. there feels to be no issue in getting what i need.

[bintan, indonesia and singapore]
something is wrong. eye went out to dinner with two men and five women, ordered food eye was not one hundred percent comfortable with, dropped myflagrant chopsticks without hearing a loud internal scream, and conversed with the women as if we were old friends.

note: eye had a friend in the form of a female once. none since.

unfortunately, the food eye tried tonight was unfit to be swallowed so eye looked like myflagrant freakish anorexic self surrounded by fleshypeople. it wasn't exactly pig organ soup, but takeaway steamed white rice with chili sauce and overly salted zucchini is disgusting nonetheless.

storm- tioman island, malaysia

[kuala lumpur, malaysia] [photos]
my parents have just broken the silent treatment by offering this gem:

hi are you home yet??
are you well?
dad says that the people on china got sars from
eating cats.
- mom

so i replied: "what do you think i am doing? eating cats ON china?"

oh god, you know, i travel to visit them in nowheresville two weeks from now. picture my attitude in combination with their backwoods mentality, baseball caps, and white tennis shoes. my brother, the idiot-thinks-he's-an-acrobat professional moto-x racer, was recently in an accident out in inland empire somewhere, so i now have someone in which to direct disgust. [people who are raising children should not be performing tabletop tricks or dangerous flips on motocycles when having not enrolled in disability insurance or if the financial future of the child is not secure... etc... etc...]

brother's accident = "a little banged up," said motherfigure.
mm-hmm, who believes that?

pasar malam fruit vendor-
kuala lumpur's golden triangle, malaysia

[kuala lumpur, malaysia]
no insect bites surfaced until after arriving to an internet cafe back in the pseudo-civilization of jerantut town. now there are three. i should have a lot to blog about but don't, rather i feel calm and on top of life... able.



petronas twin towers and connecting skybridge-
kuala lumpur, malaysia

- ability and independence are both nerve wracking and soothing.
- ability was frightening.
- now it is confusing as to what the actual fear was about.
- should have written more when very sick.
- cannot clearly articulate the current or former portion of time.

so jane, who thought she was plain, when she wasn't plain, is plain old plain, and even though i have more experience to draw from, why are the creative veins now dry?

- why have i nothing to type?
- why am i not worried about anything?
- i have health concerns and am alone in malaysia.
["it feels not okay to feel okay."]
- why are people worldwide decent except for southern california?
- why are there so many kentucky fried chicken restaurants worldwide?

it's kind of an odd numb feeling right now. the panic starts but lacks the hook. the only 'problem' is locating the perfect exotic gift for my parents.

tembeling riverboat jetty- taman negara national park, malaysia

[jerantut town, malaysia] [photos of taman negara]
the only world news, if you can call it news, heard all week is that david beckham visited south africa with braids in his hair and the matrix reloaded film topped the box office over the weekend.


problems:
- south east asian sunshine and radiation is dangerous.
- banana boat sfp 50 sunblock (gluten free) is too weak.
- inadvertently have tanned darker than any time in my life.
- developing a slight cough. [oh no, sars!]
- finding myself not very easily entertained or distracted.
- spotted a baby leopard in the jungle, did not bother to photograph it.

me: "can i visit the canopy walkway by myself or should i go with a guide?"
park representative: "you can go by yourself. do you have a map?"
me: "yes- what do i need to watch out for? i'm not going to see an elephant--"
park representative: "you'll be fine."

me: "what about snakes? pythons? cobras?"
park representative: "yes when you see a king cobra, stay very still. if they stand up it is fine. if they go back, then they strike. now i saw a tiger on the trail twice. but rare to see a tiger."

needless to say, i went with a guide and saw nothing much of the jungle except for the ground. all i could think about was how the park representative said "when you see a king cobra" and not "if you see a king cobra." the hired jungle guide was hyper and talked extensively on the tour. during his first week on the job he had been attacked by a mother elephant protecting her young. he had been injured severely -- scars to prove it -- and had been hospitalized after the attack for over a month.

last night while sitting in the bed of a pickup truck with ten other people (on a little "night safari") i got smacked on the side of my nose, just under my eye, by a silver dollar sized wasp type of creature. i don't believe i was stung but the muscles in my face started to freeze and after a few minutes, one side of my jaw tightened enough to become paralyzed. [this was by far was the most exciting activity this week, far and beyond realizing that my body may be able to tolerate tapioca snack crackers.]

our night safari was an hour away from our boat, three hours by boat deep into the jungle, and then another two hours by truck away from camp. since i was scared and virtually helpless, i could only joke that by being the world's ugliest girl before the "sting" what would i be now? a few hours after it happened, we reached camp where i saturated my cheek with tea tree oil and went to bed. the next day i awoke to a regular face- devoid of swelling, redness, red marks, or muscular tension. i was dreading the "what happened to you" questioning brought on by the incident, but am still receiving the "what happened to you's" because several people saw the bulbous, lock-jaw monstrosity last night. if the wasp's venom brushing onto my skin could be that irritating, can you imagine actually getting stung?

most of the time in taman negara national park was spent on hikes (in small groups of ten people or less) before embarking on a jungle trekking expedition with brian, a man i met in kuala lumpur's chinatown. brian and i found ourselves continually grasping for rope while sliding down muddy trails and plentifully drenched in sweat. we should have brought more drinking water. hours and hours [and hours and hours] were spent jumping over fallen trees, climbing over army ant covered vines, and hoisting ourselves up muddy hillsides while using ropes or tree branches for leverage.

brian is currently using a thirty five stop around-the-world airline ticket to visit most everywhere. we hit it off and talked non-stop for two days- from our bus journey out to the national park, and through the rainforest treks. we managed to climb a dilapidated a high canopy treetop walkway and tried to photograph each other while balancing at the top of the jungle. without meeting brian, the last two days would not have been boring, as i was starting to feel soured by the humidity and solitude.

air batang jetty- tioman island, malaysia

[bamboo hill chalets- pulau tioman, malaysia]
night is about to fall.
eerie pounding thunder and lightning.
tension.
smells like, but no rain yet...
the population of the island is gathering in this lodge.
fear.
tropical heat, crashing and falling palms.
the enormous lizards have come out of the jungle.
there is about to be one monster of a storm.

hibiscus plant- tioman island, malaysia

[bamboo hill chalets- pulau tioman, malaysia] [marine life listing]
i have 'hello mister' fatigue... and no, i neither want to buy a coconut nor learn how to break one open. why i am known as the diet coke girl when having only bought four cans on the day of arrival? are people bewildered at the amount purchased, acting lighthearted, or perhaps they simply cannot remember my name? is diet coke a rarity on the island? no. [the plan was to make most purchases at a market in mersing before catching the ferry here, but the incompatible bus/ferry schedule did not allow anything but a rush to buy tioman's required national park pass and board the boat.] i would like to break a travel rule and buy a t-shirt or something to avoid having to handwash clothing every single day (due to the humidity) except all sold shirts are tacky, featuring neon writing or glow in the dark designs. even from a distance, one can even note the scent of tropical mildew wafting from available shops. so, forget it and just call me sweathog from now on.


laundry- tioman island, malaysia

tomorrow i depart tioman for kuala lumpur, then jungle trekking in taman negara national park, canopy walking in the treetops, and a short day trip to pulau bintan (indonesia, by ferry) before revisiting singapore. i made some friends and will stay at hai and ping's inn crowd backpacker hostel in singapore again rather than alone in a great hotel.


scuba diving- tioman island, malaysia

it's all fine, really, but depends on my mood of the day. as it is right now, i feel quite alone and bored regardless of being anxiety free. the thought of being out and about and on the other side of the world causes a panic- so i need to immediately turn off the thought by countering it with a fact. ["oh my god, what am i doing in malaysia all alone-- wait, i am okay. it's nice here. i have my own room, can get what is needed, there is nothing threatening safety, etc..."] i would like to find someone to talk to and walk around with me while killing time in little india and chinatown when returning to singapore.

tioman island, malaysia

[bamboo hill chalets- pulau tioman, malaysia]
come to find out, one million fruit bats from hell all live high in the same tree. not merely by megabat population alone, malaysia is the most spectacular and interesting, yet simultaneously horrible place on earth. there was a mouse on my bed for most of last night but even after shoo-ing him away for the third time, he just returned and wanted to rest. there is another stray- a little roaring kitten following me around.


patio view- tioman island, malaysia

do not:
- eat unpeeled fruit.
- throw things at long tailed macaques.
note: they throw back.


diving- tioman island, malaysia

whenever walking the long sun-baked and garbage reeking stretch from air batang to the airport and back, i can count on hearing three phrases:
- you walk and walk all day again?
- oh beautiful beautiful girl.
- diet coke girl again. hello!


bamboo hill chalets- tioman island, malaysia

what do you do once you've finally relaxed?


moray eels

...scuba diving again today in salang bay near the soyak island marine park wrecks searching for black tip reef sharks and grouper. no snakes spotted yet, and yes, i am frantically scanning the ground when walking off the trails, but am spotting various amphibians and monitor lizards.



spiny sea urchins

[bamboo hill chalets- pulau tioman, malaysia]
i do think that i know that U know, G.

groovy air batang beach- tioman island, malaysia

[bamboo hill chalets- pulau tioman, malaysia] [photos]
leaping lizards! the creatures here are yay big [holds out fully outstretched arms] and there are oodles of them. monkeys, the damn things, which i always picture to be slightly smaller than underweight housecats, turn out to be motherfxcking demons. i swear they weigh as much as me, except they appear knee high in height. swing through the trees, good god, and then they land like bombs on the jungle trails- as if i am not amped up enough trying to avoid snakes and watch the trail each time i panic-step through moist folliage.

yay big? i don't know... 'yea' big...? 'big' big.

tire swing- tioman island, malaysia

[bamboo hill chalets- pulau tioman, malaysia]
perhaps my blogstalker would like to research uncle tan's kinabatangan jungle camp (sabah, malaysian borneo) and relate whether or not popular opinion of the experience is still bad. i haven't decided whether or not to take the flight to kota kinabalu or remain on the malaysian peninsula, and would perform my own web search, but island internet access is spotty. a tropical storm is approaching and the electricity here is sporadic today.

after departing singapore and crossing the causeway to malaysia, i spent a few hours on a bus traveling from johor bahru to the coastal town of mersing. there was only enough time to queue to pay the marine park fee (5 malaysian ringgits) before boarding the ferry to the island. after arriving on tioman, i checked into my own private chalet- how lucky! my little house is the most secluded of the accommodations and sits atop boulders at the virtual end of the jungle trail. i have already decided that if there is a second visit, the backpack needs to avail enough room to contain a radio. the bus ride to mersing was so dreadful and uninspiring that i was beginning to believe tioman would be just another dilapidated and grey locale, but as the ferry neared the gorgeous island, it was clear i was not to be disappointed.


water taxi- tioman island, malaysia

it is the nicest day in the world, on some of the world's most beautiful beaches called salang, tekek, paya, genting, and air batang, but tioman is not the best destination for a hypermanic traveler.

rest? relax? how?

walking around the island though the rainy, fragrant humidity takes some getting used to- it is difficult to breathe. i don't know what to do now, for certainly staying here a week lounging on a seafront veranda at the edge of the jungle is too calm. there will be too much time to consider subjects i try to avoid.


seashell- tioman island, malaysia

no snakes yet, but my first visitor to this rainforest chalet was an entertaining monkey tapping at the door. two other long tailed macaques hopped on the roof all night. a mosquito net is draped over the bed, mosquito coils are available, no need for my deet insect spray yet- no bug bites, no sunburn either. butterflies, no one told me there would be fantastic swarms of butterflies. this place is great- for someone else. when i get used to it, it will be time to leave.


tropical plants- tioman island, malaysia

how depressed is the south china sea to be so vibrantly colored? snorkeling tioman found scaly giant clams off nazri's beach, huge sea turtles, billions of minnows and an array of other colorful fish, but while diving i spotted tuna, various spiny things, typical manta rays, what might have been a shark, and many eels. the hard coral is just brilliant and beautiful.

[little india, inn crowd hostel, singapore]
am i very antisocial or just cautious?

woke up this morning
shook off the sleep
and thought:
holy holy holy god! how am i going to get home?!
jesus christ i am so far away.
no one can help me.

brain says: "with what?"

okay, stop thinking about stuff.
just walk around. go somewhere.
holy crap, i am twenty-some flight hours away from my house
...and laying on a bottom bunk in a twelve bed dorm room!

brain says: "you do this all of the time. what's the problem?"

no problem. tomorrow i will:
- board the cheap bus at queen street to johor bahru
- manage the push and shove customs and immigration lines
- cross the causeway from singapore to malaysia
- buy a bus ticket to the coastal town of mersing
- find the ferry office
- buy a fare to pulau tioman
- check into an en suite jungle hut.
[... and die]

- snorkel all day because it is that grotty here.
brain says: "not grotty. humid, is all."

things will get better.
they aren't bad now.
[nail biting]
uncomfortable.

right now i do not want to associate with any travelers in residence at this hostel but am forcing myself to sit in the combination dining, internet access, and socialization area. an australian is uploading photographs of vietnam and telling me more facts about rhythm and blues music than previously thought possible but since i am still in "can't breathe" mode am just "mm-hmmmming" him in return.

brain says: "don't you dare get up and leave."

"where are you from?" well, los angeles for now... and then everyone in the room has to talk to me, all knowing someone who lives near me (so what?) or has been to southern california. (who cares?) why have most of the travelers to california decided to stay in budget accommodations located in inglewood of all places? do they expect me to smile when they mention infested hostels near south central los angeles? hostelling international in santa monica comes highly recommended, perfect location, two blocks from the beach, but... inglewood? airport noise? crime?

this first night's assignment is to ward off the immediate isolation habit and to also force conversation with scarypeople. [forget this! i am nervous as hell and just going to try to make enough money so that not only will i afford my quirks, but people will expect me to have idiosyncrasies and experiences.]

with the ability to upload digital files to this computer, of course there is nothing in singapore to photograph. is this city-state that antiseptic? do i travel too much? blogging may dwindle while trekking this time as there is a different lilt when writing in a journal. there should be a thousand things to blog and stress about and i can only come up with: with the shopping mecca that is singapore, i have only purchased two litres of water and a bottle of msm supplements (methylsulfonylmethane).

[little india, inn crowd hostel, singapore]
never again should i travel alone. never again.
what am i doing? why am i here?
nothing is wrong just homesick or scared.
- have yet to see any sars masks on people.
- except for one northwest airlines employee at narita international.

[los angeles]
trip anxiety is non-existent except for concerns of loneliness and the possibility of a punishing two week water fast. yesterday, aloud, i said 'all that' was probably over. i seem to jinx everything... if i want.

[los angeles]
through clenched teeth and using a silly cartoon voice, i squirmed and said:
"...also i am flying to singapore tomorrow."
dead silence.
motherfigure abruptly stopped our long distance conversation.

i didn't document the rest of my evening and should have because it ended a two month non-vomiting streak... and how was your day?

"what if i get arrested and get the death penalty for carrying caffeine pills or someone mistakes my methylsulfonylmethane for drugs?"

>> e-mail: your worries are over.



"what if the flight to tokyo crashes over the kamchatka peninsula and we all survive?"

>> e-mail: you'll have a great blog entry.

should eye end up missing and myflagrant family appears on television begging for myflagrant return, please jokingly point fingers in the direction of one of the invalid friends and speculate loudly while using the words 'motive' and 'murder' before directing myflagrant life insurance grabbing relatives to air batang on tioman, cameron highlands, sabah and sarawak on borneo, and sumatra. if eye had time to update myflagrant will eye would have mentioned the throwing of at least half of myflagrant tokens in the opposite direction. no one is that lucky. in a few days eye shall use myflagrant powers for good by snapping myflagrant fingers therefore making the WHO declare singapore SARS-free.

central narcotics bureau's list of banned substances in singapore:

- buprenorphine
- cannabis
- cocaine
- ecstasy
- heroin
- inhalants
- ketamine
- lysergide (lsd)
- methamphetamine
- nimetazepam

note that ephedrine and its salts are all regulated by 'appendix a' and are considered controlled substances.

if your medicines contain any controlled substance listed in appendix a, you are required to apply for a controlled substance permit from the centre for drug administration (CDA), health sciences authority, singapore, before your travel to singapore.

Division of Manufacturing and Quality Audit
Centre For Drug Administration
Health Sciences Authority
11 Biopolis Way #11-03 Helios
Singapore 138667
Fax: (65) 64789068, Tel: (65) 68663522
e-mail: hsa_info@hsa.gov.sg

consider: how this 'mileage run' to singapore does not fit the definition of a runner's 'hard core there and back' trip. had it not offered such an extraordinary ratio of frequent flyer miles when compared to cost, i might have chosen to remain home. instead it has turned into a 'week long working vacation' which includes a visit to tioman island.

what if:

- boa constrictors and reticulated pythons hang freely from the trees?
- drinking water tastes bad and tioman lacks a reluctant can of diet coke?
- thickets are abundant with gigantic monitor lizards and other iguana critters?
- the hiking path to juara fades out?
- there is no jungle hiking path or apparent direction to accommodations?
- a water taxi drops me off on a deserted beach?
- i get lost on a tropical island in which no one 'back home' is familiar?

- it is not humid and hot, but unseasonably cold with downpouring rain?
- i am allergic to 100% deet bug repellent?
- the 100% deet repellent leaks and easily eats through jungle luggage?
- zillions of mosquitoes bite and infect?
- it turns out malaria tablets and additional vaccinations were essential?
- leeches eat through leech proof socks and leave lifelong scars?
- long tailed macaques attack?

- carrying caffeine pills, emu oil, or ephedrine tablets is illegal?
- singaporean officer mistakes methylsulfonylmethane for drugs?
- msm nutritional supplements actually are illegal in singapore?
- i receive the death penalty for breaking the rules of ocd?

- i miss the last ferry from the town of mersing to tioman island?
- there are no hotels or inexpensive dorm rooms in mersing?
- rooms in mersing are either brothels, rented by the hour, or unsafe?
- i have to waste seven hours at a dusty, desolate bus stop?
- there is nothing to do but look at people who quizzically look at me?

- i forget to eat and when recalled, excite the hardcore anorexic endurance?
- i relax enough to tolerate digesting an adequate food unit?
- a perfect food is found 20 flight hours from los angeles?

- the bamboo hill chalet reservations made for tioman vanish?
- the flight to tokyo crashes over the kamchatka peninsula and we all survive?
- the flight from tokyo to singapore crashes and there are no survivors?
- paws the loudmouthed cat gets sick or dies while i am on vacation?

- nothing shakes me anymore since i now can travel extensively?
- 'cold water showers' translates to 'salty sea water piped to your chalet?'
- liveaboard dive expeditions are all aboard chinese junk boats?
- i enjoy myself even though nothing is perfect?

- a reef shark attacks while snorkeling in shallow water?
- i kill that hungry shark? am i required to eat him?
- it's too quiet on secluded island paradise?
- it's so quiet that i cannot get any intended work done?
- tioman isn't a secluded island paradise, and instead, tourist hell?

- my lack of sea legs can easily knock other people out of the water taxi?
- falling down another cliff as once cappadocia becomes typical?

- absolutely nothing happens but well managed lounging around?
- worldperks frequent flyer miles fail to post?

why am i forcing myself to travel to tioman and then possibly malaysian borneo by myself?! tioman, a small island off the east coast of peninsular malaysia, will provide a tropical, beach-based isolation, but when researching traveling in borneo during the wet season, most guide books suggest to expect fifty or more leeches per day and invest in leech proof socks. perhaps i should remain home.

invalid friend chuck knows about this upcoming trip, but i have not offered the date of the return flights. he was the person who called northwest airlines and adjusted the tickets to accommodate the recent trip to london, but doesn't have much of a clue to where it is i am going. i won't tell until he asks directly. chuck has a skewed idea that investing in waterproof jungle luggage means camping. the potential to 'upset the motherfigure' remains. meh. i am more concerned with what will happen in los angeles while away rather than the threat of sars in south east asia.

times like these i am not nervous, rather am just dreading the possibility of being tired in unfamiliar places- that requirement of hyperawareness in an effort to protect possessions and myself. insomniac nights as these, i look back at all of these tired years where i had a chance to stay in bed, but could never facilitate sleep.

good spam:
Dear Flagrant's Associate,
I am one of the directors of A PARTICULAR FILM FESTIVAL. Based on your past experiences with our organization, A PARTICULAR FILM FESTIVAL has evaluated you as an excellent candidate to potentially judge our festival content.
We were wondering if you would be interested in being part of this panel of judges which decides the festival awards. Let me know if you are interested, and I will provide you with more details about what being a judge would entail. The time commitment is fairly flexible. Though judging at the festival is a volunteer position, to thank you we would provide you with a listing in the official PARTICULAR FILM FESTIVAL'S program along with either a photo or logo placement and a biography listing in this PARTICULAR FILM FESTIVAL'S judging pamphlet. I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Film Festival Director


bad spam:
Dear Flagrant Nobody,
I am one of the directors of the upcoming DIFFERENT FILM FESTIVAL which is a new film festival taking place the end of the month in Los Angeles. Because the festival is still new to the "film festival scene," we have chosen from SPECIFIC ONLINE SITE a random group of L.A. based industry people to give two free tickets to the festival in exchange for giving us comments on various factors we are working to evaluate (i.e. quality of films, panels, entertainment, etc). The obligation would simply be to fill out a comment card at the end of one of the festival evenings. These results will be shared with our board of directors in order to improve the festival in the future. Please let me know if you would like to participate, and I will let you know how it will work.
Sincerely,
THE SAME FILM FESTIVAL DIRECTOR,
DIFFERENT ORGANIZATION

i got up, meaning sleep finally happened. scanned the sunday advertisements and went shopping for jungle luggage without apprehension or waiting for a companion. i went grocery shopping for chuck ate the world's biggest yellow apple during the daylight in the car and pumped my own gasoline... also bought pants based on if they looked if they would fit rather than by number and managed to sew them for a proper hang rather than throwing them on the closet floor. i telephoned a friend at work to tell him i would pick him up and i would drive us an hour south to a little cafe to see a few bands perform. near the show i asked a stranger for directions. we got there and sat there at a table with drinks. we were sitting near jack saturn. we listened to katie the pest and then i got up and chatted with someone and another before i ordered a friend's drive thru order on the ride home.

the blog decoder ring: since i read someone's blog and saw that person last night- i went over and introduced myself and lived through it- then very vaguely did the same with another blogger.

a little over a week ago, i got in the car on a thursday morning not knowing for sure if i was driving myself to the airport or if i was just driving around the block only to return home to redeposit my frequent flyer miles into my account. while driving i exchanged the 101 freeway for the 405 south towards lax and something snapped. something. i don't know what it was but when it happened i suddenly knew i was going to board the flight to london. since that second at that freeway interchange, everything has been fine. i have been having strange giggle fits and i do believe that for one excessive week i have been completely happy.

fyi: tomorrow is the last day to request your flagrant insanity tour postcards.

yes:
consistent salary.
full health insurance + dental.
six weeks paid vacation.
this would be good for me.
i could do this part-time.

no:
i could make a higher salary without leaving this desk.
i want to go outside of my fear on my own terms.
regular fitting work clothes = eating disorder mindset.

except:
june= i have three weeks of arranged vacation plans.
july= i was going to play bass in band.
fall= film work.

but:
bass playing / current nerve damage.
the film work could be rearranged.
i would still make my day trading and publishing salary.

uh:
how egotistical of me to view this employment situation as dependent co-workers paying bills but my attendance merely as a flippant experiment in reconstruction in which i could resign at any time.

this is such an obvious yes that i cannot find a reason to say no.

impending doom will ordinarily arrive via the door, the mailbox, or the telephone. i remember impending doom to be a terrible dread that sounds neurotic, but is not, rather it is justified when not successfully keep on top of DAILY LIFE. since i have yet to drop the ball, i am now allowed many stress-free trips to the mailbox.

oh crap. what is this official letter about?
great, from the government.
what the hell did i do now?
or what didn't i do?
but i didn't do anything wrong... i think.

it seems the job i was after last year is available should i so desire.
hmmm...

i am in such an exceptional mood.

eye think eye may be well but eye should not say better because eye might need leeway for myflagrant bad days. today it is sad to be better, for eye feel eye have no life-or-death competition and eye have a high tolerance for entertainment which cannot be easily or inexpensively filled.

when eye have no obstacles eye think: what now..? why live..? what for..?

eye read these posts from last week. what the heck am eye doing going to foreign places and partaking in borderline lighthearted playfulness when other people are dying or struggling to pay for products? people have asked flagrantme what eye am doing now, or how have eye been over the last year but when eye tell them where eye've been and what eye've done, those people get upset with themselves as they have chosen to remain in the same jobs and on the same path. they have used their evening time as always to watch television rather than for writing books, completing online courses, or exercising and they vocalize their anger at themselves towards flagrantme with condescending tones: well, isn't your life just great now- i just go to work every day at the same boring job. i don't get to get paid to go to sars ridden countries or fuck rock stars. huh, do eye? they follow with other great sentences about having responsibilities and the inability to pursue a different path due to being stuck in their jobs. eye hate that because if flagrantme, with a bicycle basket filled with mental illness and superstition, can get an interesting and profitable life, then anyone else can also. eye promise, but invisibleyou won't believe flagrantme.

as time passes eye start to believe those terrible times never happened.
eye hate to remember it.
eye'll always remember eating pages from the telephone book when eye had adequate funds but excessive fear.
eye am angry at those who saw it happening but eye manipulated their thoughts and convinced them eye was just peachy and doing research.

what if eye thought eye couldn't try a different path? had eye been as complacent as people eye know eye would not be here now.

it is hard to live the day after of what was an exceptional week of life.

walk of fame, hollywood boulevard

what is wrong
is walking around hollywood
at one in the morning
too shy to go
where you set out to go.


tom jones - star on hollywood boulevard

parked alone in bunbury's supercar with only morrissey's warble from a chilean bootleg in the stereo system, i secured my shopping list and noticed an enlarged yet defeated looking twenty five year-old man had approached my window. he was overweight but still wanted lunch. i winced when he used the word hungry because i still believe the word to mean "uncomfortable when things that usually happen are not happening" and i know a small percent of people actually understand the real meaning of hunger. whenever chuck tells me he is hungry i still respond by either telling him to use his bodily stores or that he has packed so much on that his hunger is not valid for at least a few months. this situation was different and even though i was in a loopy mood, i did not have any change for the man standing outside the car.

can i have a dollar for lunch? i lost my job and it is lunchtime.

sigh. now that i go outside, i am dealing with this on a continual basis and am at a loss with how to deal with the disturbed who try to make me uncomfortable rather than ducking out of the situation when i say i have nothing for them.

i don't have any change or a dollar. i'm sorry.

he proceeded to stand there and he looked at me as i returned to my list-making. two uneasy minutes later, i asked him if he could please take two steps backwards so that i might back out of my parking place. he flipped me off, walked behind me and banged on the running car with his arm as he left. considering i was not in my oldbutnew car, this could be a blown off situation, but i was sitting in a supercar that cost more than the condominium in which i am currently living and it takes a lot of guts to maneuver this car alongside the moronic population of this metropolis. nothing will happen to it while i have possession.

now what?
what do you do?
it's los angeles, you let it go...?!
yes.
no.

i did the wrong thing. i slammed the car backwards twenty feet and spun the wheel so the man was standing directly in front of the running car. i yanked the emergency brake, got out, and followed him down the street. i walked. he ran. he caused more disruption by crossing a four lane busy intersection on a red light.

what the hell is wrong with me? i could or should have handled it differently, but under no circumstance was i going to just let it go. i think i muttered the phrase, "you'd better run fast, fucker!" i'm embarrassed but still think i should record everything i do.

i am not depressed.

L is for Love, baby
O is for Only you that i do
V is for loving Virtually all that you are
E is for loving almost Everything that you do
R is for Rape me
M is for Murder me
A is for Answering all of my prayers
N is for KNOWING your loverman's going to
be the answer to all of yours
martin and his daughter viva lee gore singing nick cave's loverman
mayan theatre | los angeles

tonight marks the third of three concert dates with martin gore in under six days which span two continents. he lopsidedly hopped around on stage to i cast a lonesome shadow and i knew i was the happiest girl. elevated mood isn't such a bad experience after all. can i allow myself to cash in more frequent flyer miles to see dan abnormal entertain me while singing to a crazy crazy beat about a very big house in the country before forcing myself to continue to rebuild my life? perhaps not. perhaps it's time to go back inside.

avoid the avoidance? am i running away from things and masking it by noting down good times? or is this good in that depression has been broken for a week? it feels as though life could start from the point that it stopped.

i actually used the word "bum" yesterday.
this has gone too far... i'm turning into something terrible.

the first los angeles martin gore show was fantastic- it is all based on where you stand and who you talk to, isn't it? i arrived to the mayan theatre and immediately, somehow, got involved in conversation with one of the security employees about the london astoria show i attended on friday. passionate fans talking, we were like old friends and he said you have to be here tomorrow, dave gahan is coming. yeah right. obviously not, but i am certain that i do not know who i am any longer. where is the social phobia? shy? meek? nervous? no, none of it. with only five minutes before the lights went down, i still managed to be two deep from the front- and look at this entry! it's as though i am babbling like a teenaged girl. i even talked to other females and my ex-boyfriend, was comfortable enough to secure and drink water at the show (gasp!), kept down dinner later, talked to six transients in south central, and wore my shrunken skinny size one pants with a pair of cool italian shoes. anxiety was gone. as in europe, it was comfortable and very, verTy fun.

the numbers and ocd game:
one guy gave me two tickets for the show tomorrow.
two people asked me out.
three dollars to park the car.
four people whistled at me. (wtf???)
five people asked me for cigarettes.
six bums asked for me for change.

i am trying to counter anxiety and instead be scared of real things (like the upcoming solo trips). concerns of the cobras in the vicinity of my malaysian jungle hut, a cage unattaching from the boat while shark diving in the great barrier reef, and of course, arriving on tioman island to find all of the chalets booked up for the week and having to take a grotty dorm with shared facilities ranks. as real as it feels, i am going to try desperately to not let fears of evaluation guide anorexia and agoraphobia. it's a rather stupid idea, but at least functions in the proper direction. after the lengths of backwards thinking taken to get to this level of depression, i'd say, whatever works for now.

rant: what the hell? whenever leaving town i place emergency money on the kitchen table (who the hell knows what is going to happen to the place while on vacation? i can only imagine returning to find the ceiling blackened and the refrigerator missing) and it always gets spent. this is no longer a surprise and i try to not be EXASPERATED but am annoyed when people spend it on superfluous items such as yellow clothing or on inferior generic tupperware container contraptions. (three occasions: pale yellow and powder blue containers with impossible lids.) the invalid friend who chose to spent the money on the height of sophistication (a vintage yellow dress shirt from goodwill industries) which will not be worn when i am near, pushed the red button by mentioning he has no money for a bus pass or decent black shoes to wear out... and he did not buy cat litter which was free all weekend had he used the double coupon i left him. if i find a drugstore brand storage container in this house i will attack but have not yet knocked his purchase and so the internal inferno burns and burns but i remain mute.

him: "it was on sale."
um-hmm... holding my tongue and practicing restraint.
him: "can i wear this to that concert tonight?"
flagrant: "WHAT ???????"

then i lost it because i never asked him to the show, he is not going with me, and just as soon as i snip the buttons off of the golden atrocity tomorrow, i can take it to the do-it-yourself quarter car wash and shine the wheels on the car. ah, this last weekend of solitude was 39 minutes of bliss.

rant: now why is it... (flagrant's weedy voice) that i can check e-mail 70 times internationally on my mobile phone (and have it work brilliantly) but here in the usa (where the e-mail access is domestic and does not cost several dollars per minute) the damn service only occasionally works?

i am exhausted
would rather not travel next week
do not want to use a slow internet connection to find a place to stay...
and i am nervous to leave for martin gore's los angeles show tonight.

my connection had a weather-related delay out of detroit, which meant a late arrival into lax- the intention had been to drive straight from the airport to the postal service gig. the guilty pleasure went uninvestigated. this morning, i awoke shocked to see that a throw-around stock rose three dollars a share today, which completely fills the void of money spent over the weekend. how crazy is that? karma. i put myself out on a limb for film director friend by helping him purchase a car on saturday... somewhat beat myself up about spending money which should not have been spent... i don't allow myself tangible goods which would improve the quality of life and find myself in financial constraints because of it, yet it doesn't sway me from treating people levels above how i treat myself, etc... the money, it seems, comes back to me time and again.

i am glad i forced myself to write here- even if it is done in a way which can only be misinterpreted... even if it's written to make people cry when i laugh, or laugh when i am secretly in the dark. i need to keep chalking up the good as the default would be that my life is crap if the score wasn't kept. this depression is crap, but my life is damn good.

runway and rain- in window F, detroit metro airport

[los angeles]
so much for london. this weekend escapade left me empty (yet simultaneously 'recharged with a sense of purpose' in one spectrum). how conflicting. will it last for more than a few minutes? the situation is that having just arrived home, i am not on my knees prying open death's door to hell. since it is midnight, a bath will be attempted and then off to bed like i read regular people usually do.

random facts:
- i hate airports, flying, gatwick airport, and traveling.
- it is not generally a good idea to roam shepherd's bush at 2am alone but fun nonetheless.

british airways london eye- london, england

[shepherd's bush, london] [other london photos]
...and this trip was over before it even began.

tower bridge- london, england

[shepherd's bush, london]
a convertible, much nicer than my oldbutnew car, was purchased today for Film Director Friend. consider how it is that i spent most of the day with him, but am now suddenly too shy to phone and say "i am bored out of my skull", "come over, entertain me, or be bored too and let me watch", "let's go for a drive", or really "take me to lunch dammit, and let me watch you eat while we chat."

help, i need someone. agoraphobia had trapped me inside this trendy hotel, and now that nerves are starting to subside, i have no place to go unless desiring to play tourist. a set of photographs for the blog, perhaps? a landmark offering a familiar pictorial would be extremely crowded.

Film Director Friend asked: "do you have plans?"
flagrant said: "not really, but i am going out later."
note: read my mind, this means no!


everybody needs a place to think, bbc four advertising campaign
riverfront promenade bench- london, england

motherfigure, who i usually only talk to by phone around christmas time, just called and said, "you feel very far away today. where are you? i had a bad feeling and thought something might be going on. i had to call." no, i never advised her to this trip overseas. (this was a specific effort to avoid a conversation regarding the threat of SARS in singapore. i leave for singapore in less than two weeks, whether she is frightened or not.) it's funny how she called-- always seeming to simultaneously know everything yet nothing.


postcard kiosk- london, england

i am bored to tears here-- and a little be scared to be alone. i basically played normal by engaging the television and performed that silly pasttime called staring at the furniture. after 'sky tv' began recycling a news clip about 'a dead heroin addict who was now discovered not to be an addict,' i decided to conquer this fine and predictable city. i walked, and walked, and walked, and then my foot started to bleed from walking, and i walked a bit more. tomorrow will see much of the same, television news, bleeding feet, and possibly a visit to tate see if the max beckmann paintings will stop my heart as they did last year when i viewed them at the ludwig museum in cologne.

the carling astoria- london, england

[shepherd's bush, london]
martin gore performed as depecheless mode at the astoria. wow my fun never ends or starts or something. no don't start the let's start routine. martin has been living in santa barbara long enough now that he is starting to adopt the lazy surfer look like my invalid friend chuck.

martin gore is a musician from depeche mode and has recently released a second album of cover songs. i avoided all online conversation about his concert experience because i didn't need or want to be prepped and i expected him to sing possibly one song from depeche, but rather he sang about eight. though he can sing whatever he would like, this cheapened the entire experience for me. if the show was advertised as martin mostly singing his reconstruction or interpretation of depeche mode (that which is also his to begin with) i might have felt differently. he sang merely one song from his first album, which was never turn your back on mother earth, and though i love him to death, felt i had turned old and was watching leftover band members trying carry on with glory days long gone. those feeling aside, it was interesting with the familiar lyrics of in your room, shake the disease, the love thieves, and home. though disappointed, combine martin's familiar waving right-hand expression, bluesy voice, and this obscene opportunity to see him at london show, i was right where i wanted to be.

reflection in the terminal tram- gatwick airport, london

[shepherd's bush, london]
on the train between gatwick airport and victoria station, a doctor who has just graduated from medical school, asked me out because his "girlfriend" (strike one) is having "a spot" of (strike two) bulimia (omfg, strike three) and he would like to go out and do some normal things with someone else.

perhaps trying to pick up extremely skinny girls ten minutes after arriving to his destination is a major part of the problem. my feelings are still secretly hurt-- i am not near as sick as i once was and sometimes need the severity written on my body. "i felt the need to look so sick as to be left alone."

on the other hand, here i was in london and not outwardly sick. it isn't normal to WANT to overwhelmed with eating disordered behavior to the point i appear mentally ill. he sat across from me and saw 'extremely thin' but did not see 'problem.' since there is no need, perhaps i could convince myself to stop being upset.

i felt the competitive urge to compare, got the gist that his girlfriend was not very sick, if at all, and had stalled at the crossroads between obsessed and truly ill. he told me how she was adhering to a strict food plan (which, how odd to me, included easily obtainable processed foods and trans fats) and insisted on using a treadmill for an hour a day.

i have to laugh-- isn't adhering to a diet and forcing oneself to get daily exercise the current prescription for the majority of the population? if not, then for those who navagate life in first world countries? when my anorexia is the rule and manages my decisions, it restricts everything. any intake involved would not be considered food by another person. anorexia controls my choices, restricts my finances relevant to food, designs a non-stop schedule of productive activity, and also decides as to whether or not my body grows lanugo, etc...

i am still trying not to be offended by this encounter on the train. it's me. i know i am the problem-- my compounded history and perspective. actually, the recent grad had neither done nor said anything wrong until trying to invite himself along to the same activities i was obliged to attend.

i also met an older man named brian on the flight to gatwick. since he did not immediately appear to be a very attractive option for the weekend, a sly idea was to get him as drunk as possible in an attempt to speed up time. that was fun, and in the end, unnecessary.

never in my entire life has someone spoken the words "cash flow" in my presence so much as on that dc-10. drunk, willing, newly divorced, he had been flipping real estate deals in washington dc left and right.

we talked about erotic topics like spending plan proposals for small business loans, golfing, visiting florida, travel, and how he needs someone new in his life.

apparently, spending money alone isn't very entertaining. this is a no. it turns out his daughter is two years younger than me. i will not allow brian's divorce crisis to upset many situations and relationships, only to pad my lifestyle.

k west hotel- london

[shepherd's bush, london]
thirty two, crafty and sly
i went to london and i
i booked myself a suite at the
why?
no power.
k w-e-s-t
i said: "i hate it here i won't stay."

they said: "the spa is free for you all may."
i said: "buy it's raining here ev-ree-day."
they pointed at the spinning door: go away.

:(

i apologize for everything i have ever taken.

how am i supposed to live if i constantly feel guilty that some people in the world have less than me?

this is a blog.
this is meaningless.
this is about my life.

the intention when it began was to help keep me in line. the format i use proves impossible for the average reader to metabolize, but several do. whether a random reader does or not, my idea is that i have put myself out there and need to simultaneously be actively driven with stoic moral turpitude.

one problem is learning to write about that which i am uncomfortable presenting. i am invisible here, but still worry about people's opinions. i sat here yesterday and read a blog written by a man who cannot afford groceries. one could criticize how this author ranks maintaining the cost of high speed internet access higher than sustenance, but i won't. as i continued to read, my day trader account soared-- and i felt guilty of something. am i guilty of reading the financial section of the newspaper, sucking it up and making the difficult (rather than easy) choice, or of acting on good advice? no, i feel guilty of something much worse.

over 1500 journalists hit this blog the other day after searching for information relating to schoolscandals.org. i still feel a little funny, as though i need to explain myself and what this blog is about in three short sentences. though i would like to, i am too complicated to employ a link to an 'about' page or maintain a concise sidebar. how would it be possible to create a faq for this blog? this space is for me and therefore no explanation is needed-- but it is.

it is a very sick day today with neither side effect nor symptom. shaking hands never account for attention. i am leaving tomorrow for britain. no, i will stay home. nope, i am leaving for london. all day long-- off and on.

are you leaving?
oh, i don't know.

finally at four in the afternoon i decided to drive to the bank just in case the anxiety left and the trip to london proved possible.

i hit my nervous center head on and tried on my clubbing clothes. they are atrocious and larger than thought, but i do a good job convincing myself the worst will or has happened with my body.

at seven o'clock at night, i still hadn't booked an airline ticket or reserved a frequent flyer award, but finally did and nearly priced myself out of traveling. no perfect mileage awards were popping up once deciding to go, only first and business class tickets with additional mileage costs i didn't want to spend.

if one were to purchase an airfare to europe with less than 24 hours notice, one would pay more to sit in coach class than it costs to buy an air france flight on the concorde. after reloading the frequent flyer awards page a billion times, a regular coach award from los angeles to london gatwick appeared for 48,500 miles and i booked it. the ticket forces me to connect through detroit metro instead of amsterdam (where there were tentative plans to meet Famous Photographer Friend for drinks at the schipol airport) but it's okay.

i thought i would improve my health, acquire an income, implement a schedule, enjoy the structure, and everything would be better. i always thought the ability to purchase reassurance would eliminate the majority of my anxiety disorder, but look at this:

i had every option available to me for this trip to london. i could have chosen to stay home. i have the option of staying in my own place in london, in a private residence owned by a friend, or in a hotel. i could have chosen anything from hostel or budget accommodations, to a corporate apartment, or luxurious suite. there was the option of redeeming frequent flyer miles or of buying the airline ticket. i could have even spent more frequent flyer miles to open up additional flights which were unavailable at a lower redemption.

***i experienced more anxiety today than imagined. dare i say the anxiety was as bad as when a catastrophe ensues. the ability to afford 'safety' in combination with having every possible choice available to me did not alleviate the ordeal. it did not function as any form of cure.***

guilt
fear
gluttony
proana
stress
and i sat here trying to make something bigger out of this trip than it truly is. i was looking to rest my mind of this great excess in which i was attached. the stupid voice which searches for an excuse suggested how "i need to open a business banking account in the uk, so this trip functions as more than a weekend party", "a friend of mine who lives in west london graduates college this spring and i intend to help him afford a car-- the two of us could stalk new car lots this weekend", "i need to continually force myself out of the house and this is a homework which helps me tremendously", or "i can't stop going and doing or it will welcome agoraphobia and a grave level of anorexia again."

i know nothing will come of this trip besides esteem. how do i deal with the experience of holding that self esteem? how do i not only retain, but maintain it? how do i restrict it from growing out of control?

i could never fly to london and be comfortable with having a good time because some people in the world have less than me. i am perpetually scared that with writing about my life on this blog, a random reader will think i am unaware of just how lucky i am almost every minute of the day just because i need to investigate my terrible days by expressing them in print.

anxiety attack: i am about to live the high life again this weekend in london but am too embarrassed by the excess of it all to blog myself through the process.

i am more no than yes. anxiety might hold me hostage in this house as i cannot picture myself punching it out enough to get on an airplane tomorrow morning.

what do i have to do? get dressed and go. that's it. this argument over whether to stay or go is so ridiculous. i don't have a regular job. i shouldn't be allowed to do so many over the top trips.

nothing bad ever happens when i go out, but i DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.

i somewhat want to go.

no, i don't.
i really don't want to go at all.

i want to say that i went and did it after it is all over, but i really want to just sit here and procrastinate about other things and i hate this routine conflict. staying home will make myself sick by thinking about what i am missing but if i go i will be entertained for one evening and then bored to tears, lonely, and awake for the rest of the duration.

should i force myself to fly to london for the weekend alone or not?

yes:
- i need to repeatedly conquer anxiety and agoraphobia.
- to perpetually prove that "it's fine, it's always fine."
- to allow "it's fine, it's always fine" to become philosophy.
- to socialize for seven or so minutes with celebrities at a reception.

no:
- inferiority complex.
- oh my god, i don't want to go anywhere.
- my hair color needs to be updated, low lighted, or toned.
- this perpetual feeling of being too ugly to leave the house.

the eating disorder forces me to constantly believe that the clothes hanging in the closet are apt to be too tight. due to this threat, they are never tried on. if they really did not fit, i think i would die. i think i would find myself in a place where i would let the ed beat me severely. it follows a backwards route, but by ignoring all except my usual clothes, i am somewhat keeping myself safe. by avoiding the closet and not having to confirm my current size, i don't have to starve any worse than usual.

attempting this trip to britain for the weekend, there is the threat of dressing for other people. that is, i cannot get away with wearing an oversized mental patient wardrobe. this conflict brings thoughts of increased restricting or purging back into focus. after having a month off from a horrific version of the eating disorder, the sense is that "if i think about sickness too much, it will return."

consider: how to acknowledge these ideas without falling back into old rituals? i need to avoid all bathroom scales and refuse mirrors in an attempt to progress but, inevitably someday i will see for certain. i doubt i have changed sizes but, here is a case of the great what if. ignorance affords the bliss. eventually i will become aware of any change in size but it does not need to be today.

motherfigure made me promise to call her when i decide to leave the country on a whim. why? what on earth for? years passed by without her being apprised to where i lived. why does it matter? i am scheduled to travel to singapore two weeks from now. not only does motherfigure request i stay home due to the current status of sars, but she has just sent an e-mail "from your father" and "he says do not go."

first of all, good lord.

second, what do my parents know about the world aside from what they see aired on television? does their village even get television reception? do these people even leave their county?

the third issue is in how my father's mental problems are 'being placed on me.' i function as his scapegoat. he can therefore direct the blame for his problems on me. essentially, he could say, "i am not sick. *she* is causing my anxiety disorder by traveling to these dangerous, foreign places." i am a well traveled adult, but suddenly am placed in a position where my actions (which should only truly stir my own life) are said to influence his anxiety disorder? i can and will not patronize his allegiance to illness. any future conversations about my foreign trips should be abrupt.

i had considered not revealing the trip to singapore until returning home from asia. there is no reason to avoid the topic or family, but it's uncomfortable to be unwavering around one's parents. it's true i have handled this entire singapore and malaysia trip conversation with them wrong. last year in sarajevo, they neither cared nor narrowed their eyes until i forced them open by 'rephrasing' my experience of traveling bosnia. only after i took to illustrating war torn scenery and 'labeling sarajevo as bosnia' did it rile them up. i have already canceled a separate mileage run to singapore, unrelated to fear, and that fact may appease them.

other interference should i choose to go to london:
- need to go to the bank and withdraw money (very difficult today)
- need to purchase batteries (check out lines at a store, groan)
- must pay the bills today rather than tomorrow (eh, fine)

this, as in all of the above, is nothing. no big deal. i can do all of these chores alone now, so why is this such a big shaky anxiety-filled day? is it entirely related to the clothing and eating disorder issue? yes. it must be. i don't want to know if keeping down food has dramatically altered my body. again, i doubt it has, but the threat is huge.

i don't know how to manage "approaching what i actively ignore" without diving back into a bad eating disorder and exercise cycle. if staying home, imagine the psycho body mood and instantly acquired ability to pick on other people due to an increased agitated state. physical items may get broken. i might cry- i'm crying now. i hate myself but if deciding to remain home, introversion, food problems, all other ill health or ailing esteem need not be considered.

go have a terrible uncomfortable time there rather than here, i think.
i am going to elevate to the bitchiest mood of the last three years if i stay home, i tell invalid friend, diet pills! i'll swallow homemade eca stacks of caffeine and bronkaid tablets or overdose on phentermine which will make me murderous. instead of him being an ass and saying i could pack up and leave today, invalid friend said he only wants me to go if i think it will be good for me- if it will help me in the long run.

this blog helps me realize life and friends are alright.