flagrant

northwest airlines has recently cancelled many of their flights and also tweaked the time tables of the schedules which remained-- all due to the war with iraq. none of their changes relate to flights relevant to my trip to singapore, but still, i have been shifted! shafted! a random northwest ticketing agent has cancelled my high mileage earning reservation and rescheduled me on the following itinerary. with several appearing-to-be-irrelevant connections eliminated, i had bet the airline would like to think they are doing me a favor.

Northwest Airlines Flight #4441/Alaska Air Codeshare Flight #441
THURSDAY 30APRIL LAX Los Angeles Intl 630A K/F
THURSDAY 30APRIL SEA Seattle Seatac 908A

Northwest Airlines Flight #7
THURSDAY 30APRIL SEA Seattle Seatac 220P K/I
FRIDAY 01MAY NRT Tokyo Narita 445P

Northwest Airlines Flight #11
FRIDAY 01MAY NRT Tokyo Narita 640P K/I
SATURDAY 02MAY SIN Singapore Changi 1250A

Northwest Airlines Flight #12
THURSDAY 09MAY SIN Singapore Changi 620A K/I
THURSDAY 09MAY NRT Tokyo Narita 210P

Northwest Airlines Flight #2
FRIDAY 09MAY NRT Tokyo Narita 340P K/I
FRIDAY 09MAY LAX Los Angeles International 920A

philosophy and humanities, my ass, i should have spent $150,000 less on the foreign portions of my university education and gone to travel school.

the intention of this trip is to accrue the most frequent flyer miles possible out of a low priced airfare which has a restricted stay requirement-- basically, the point is to acquire as many butt-in-seat elite qualification miles as possible and make a pseudo mileage run out of the trip by purposely taking 'unneeded' connections and flying the extra legs.

i was originally ticketed in a combination of economy class and PE designator hell. while stuck in a class K/F and K/I booking, i was to travel LAX - MEM - DTW - NRT - SIN - SIN - NRT - endure an 8 hour layover, which is a crackpot amount of time at narita, and then continue on to - HNL - and then endure a 10 hour layover before boarding the final flight home to LAX. i did call an agent and receive personal clarification the PE designator would not top out at 250 miles per leg.

consider how no one is speaking my language. to translate the above, my previous booking should have been frowned upon and seen as a self-inflicted abuse. i understand it was bad, but the cost/miles earned ratio was phenomenal. seriously, it was phenomenal enough to shrug off all concerns of deep vein thrombosis or social anxieties.

what do these ticket agents want me to do with this rescheduled itinerary? am i supposed to board an airplane and virtually travel straight to the destination? harumpff. yeah, i mean sure, but uh, like, no.

when investigating the revamped itinerary above, notice that the northwest airlines computer does not understand if 09MAY falls on a thursday or a friday. wow, strike one.

recently, a news item described how flight attendants or crew members were caught drugging a screaming child passenger with the prescription anti-anxiety medication xanax (alprazolam). wow, strike two! everyone knows xanax has a relatively short half life. klonopin, you moron!

consider how secretly medicating exasperating children could get a pass by some travelers. ah, another joke: do i really want to fly on northwest, the only airline that begins with NO?

perhaps i could change this vacation even more since northwest states my ticket dates can be altered without additional fees. if i extend the travel period, it could possibly accommodate exploring sarawak and sabah on borneo, thereby offering the thrill of potentially getting scratched by an orangutan at the sepilok jungle sanctuary. i don't know. this new travel itinerary the airline representative has tweaked and forwarded to me is unacceptable. the first itinerary certainly wasn't great, but its excess served a purpose.

motherfigure has abruptly stopped writing to me. spreading the great fear of SARS and the other infectious diseases ended the minute i mentioned that "not only was i continuing on my trip as originally planned" but "leeches and feral dogs seem to be more of a predicted annoyance than the quasi-danger of contracting SARS."

i did stop short of telling her that if she didn't appreciate my independence, she could take a longboat up the kinabatangan.

the good thing about being this depressed is that you lose connections to people. it doesn't matter as they never even knew you even existed. what could be better today than a lower tomorrow. daily life is a constant intensified nothing. it's what i want but cannot accept. once i hated myself to a freezing death and here we're already prodding back in satan's car, with xm satellite radio clarity and a smell on my shirt. i might just re-succeed or re-die of boredom on a sunday soon, or did, or only fell asleep, or woke up and said, "from now on i will never be me."

here is a room and carpet. a nonfat ratty cat sits on a hopefully nonbugged rug. space. thousands of thousand dollar toys keep me occupied but nothing trumps being bored to be alive while angry and wide awake. the great nothing of anorexia is interesting in extent. an open weightless sky of impending vastness tried to flatten me but boring is as normal does. daily life turns white but goes on. sip the water. pay the due. this is my dragging-the-dead-leg aftermath of a bloodless train wreck. pack it up and go- why stay? why say, "this is afterlife, run, there is so much nothing to escape."

the state of the world is interfering with my life and ordinarily i am only the one who interrupts myself. so what the hell is up with going to singapore? who knows. is SARS starting to look worse or is it just hype? it would be such a great relief to know i that i could stay home but what started out as me forcing myself to travel again has changed into a definite desire to get out of town. singapore, malaysia, zanzibar, seychelles... but i don't want to reorganize my travel efforts to accommodate a low percentage of potential, and unfortunately uninsurable, problems. wasted contemplation. i could have tried to be stressed out about something else.

wallflower flagrant dies from suicide attack in zanzibar. that could never happen because it would spell family legacy. flagrant dies from touching a doorknob in singapore. never, i could spectrum nosemaphobia replete with misophobia in minutes. flagrant dies from a routine examination at the dentist. fine.

my berserk is its own valid balance. why tone?

here is a submission [link removed] from a casting notice i recently placed seeking a male actor to fill the role of narrator for an announced film. i made some mistake in mentioning personality was preferred considerably over experience, but i also noted the stated project had a comfortable budget. hmm:

hello boys-!
i submitted for [completely unrelated project] once before and understand the budget cuts. let me know if i should forward my director's demo reel to this same address-
cheers, cheerios, and kisses,
kassandra

do you need a job? yes, you. maybe you should apply directly to me because i am about to cast myself and i could deal with talking with someone with a portion of a brain. the above note was attached to a headshot from an actress who has never acted but appeared as a hand model in a wella hair promotion. good. go ahead, call me sir, that might be the only thing she got right.

greed, as a topic, is important = GREED

if GREED isn't constantly restricted by a leash, does GREED end? my history of eating disorder had developed and then secured my opinion that i am the most wanting person who walks the earth. consider how, due to anorexia, it actually has become fact in various avenues of life. i think my GREED is profound and this idea is why i am uncomfortable to be seen spending on essentials in life, and, for the most part, can only see GREED in other people. i try to counter this profound GREED with grit, by never being seen resting, and by openly restricting expenses to the point of lunacy. finding an intricate value in every cent is required. my exception to GREED is to promote all experience possible, to amass as much education as is obtainable, and to learn to invest it all at the lowest possible out-of-pocket cost.

this is a blog.
this is not a biography.
this is a rather low percentage of my life.
a portion cannot be a representation.

sure i day and swing trade stocks
and am perpetually sick
and enjoy traveling to whoknowswhere
and...

yesterday, nope.
today, nada.
tomorrow, i'm not doing any of those things either.

in a strange way that makes these words meaningless.

today i was informed that i would make a great anime character which is perfect because i am certainly not me when i type here and superhero is such a chunky word.

loudmouthed cat, headshot submissions spread across the floor--
los angeles, california

a flagrant annoyance courtesy of a random reader:

list five things about you:
1) once won a jeopardy college scholarship.
2) you can locate tour dates associated with my name online.
3) still hold records in several school sports. (as does my younger brother)
4) i get a grape hi-chew tokyo-narita international airport allowance.
5) i can perform a back walkover on a regulation balance beam.

list five things on your desk:
1) stacks of medical records and documents (suing a pharmaceutical company)
2) invitation to a vanity fair party. (ebay this? not planning on attending)
3) 30+ film soundtrack demo submissions.
4) vintage rolleiflex twin lens reflex camera from the 1940's.
5) various hard copy and multimedia resume packages from actors/actresses.

anything to add?:
- these glamour shots literally define the do's and dont's of job application.

eye really hate it when people try to tell flagrantme what eye like. ANYthing/ SOMEthing/ NOthing: eye don't like things. there is this actress nobody has ever heard of who apparently works on something called 'buffy.' [ so what is that, television? ] she is stating that she worked with myflagrantself on a film. hell no, this never happened.

a mistake would not be an issue with flagrantme, but this specific situation is driving myflagrantself crazy. this is no accident. her camp is trying to get her a role by connecting to flagrantme. [ and who in the hell am eye? ] eye know and no myflagrantself. nobody.

eye have film titles and you've heard of none. oh alright, maybe five-- but eye don't even know who eye am or who eye was once.

consider how this upcoming trip to south east asia (otherwise known as 'the first pseudo mileage run to singapore with a few cost effective layover days on tioman island in malaysia') could potentially include rainforest trekking on borneo.

air asia, a low cost airline carrier based in kuala lumpur, offers ludicrously low priced promotional deals on flights between kuala lumpur (in peninsular malaysia) and kota kinabalu (in sabah on malaysian borneo). the consistent roundtrip airfare on flights between mainland malaysia and borneo prices out at only $50 (including various taxes).

it feels as though the last three times i have gone to bed, DEATH closed his bony fingers around my throat. my heart slams the body awake and i find myself with erratic pulse and without air. do i start to die in my sleep? alas, here i am and cognizant too.

file under not currently a possibility: typical malaria prophylaxis.

antimalarial medicine is apt to cause a negative reaction in my body. either the pills will cause me to break out in an itchy rash, donate nightmares to already omnipresent insomnia, or cause nausea and vomiting. so let's just forget about that idea for now. the complication is how i reject protection from a deadly illness, yet retain the notion of traveling to areas known to harbor a risk of malaria transmission.

after researching potential side effects which stem from common malaria prescriptions, i see there are reasons for concern. depression, anxiety, and cardiac conduction abnormalities are huge contraindications, but my eating disorder has a higher preoccupation with actually swallowing the drugs than of actually acquiring malaria.

screw it.
i don't know how to maneuver that mental block right now.

apparently 'taking a pill' means to 'eat' today, even though the excipient ingredients included in the medicine would neither contain calories nor fats. how complex this must be if i can perpetually intellectualize, compartmentalize, and yet still hold an irrational idea?

while we're screwing things and acting immature, let's consider what would happen if i were to metabolize an antimalarial. how do i remove the inevitable quarter-sized specks of vomit which are apt to splatter the bathroom ceiling? is there a way to circumnavigate terrorizing nightmares aside from remaining awake? how could i allow a medicine which causes photosensitivity when currently reacting to all sunscreen and sunblock formulations?

another thing, i am depressed enough to die. music is not the answer. traveling to borneo for whoknowswhy but without seeking out unnecessary health risks might be.

in case it is unclear as to what type of risk-taking idiot i am, spontaneity donated another case of why not and then proceeded to spend every available dollar in my day trading account- on one stock! all is not lost, after all, i did read one news blurb about the company before this morning's gambling began.

- what in the hell did i do that for?
- i don't know why!
consider: decisions made based on hunches.

day trading and the habits surrounding the process seem to function in a detached world. under no circumstance, would anyone find me walking into a car dealership only to instantly buy an unresearched vehicle. i would never purchase a new computer without reviewing opinions and sale flyers. everything from the paint used for the kitchen walls to blank storage media will be researched for value and price point before a purchase is made at a predetermined discount store. indecisiveness and its subsequent decision making process has made me incredibly rigid, but just now and on a whim, i bought thousands of shares of a stock for the sheer hell of it.

"let's see what happens."

consider: how this is illustrated as sick, though is healthy for me.

consider: how this happens in regard to brokerage accounts.
consider: dollars on the computer monitor= merely numbers?
consider: dollars in the wallet= tangible ?

just yesterday, i sent out an e-mail which explained a confliction concerning the issues between 'need or want.' its premise was that price inevitably trumps all choices: "i considered buying asparagus, but it cost too much." fresh broccoli is currently on sale for under a dollar per pound and asparagus prices out around four. i had the money along for asparagus, but none was purchased because broccoli was a similar and cheaper option. then, since i didn't desire the inexpensive vegetable, it remained on the grocer's shelf.

problem: occasionally, i am uncomfortable writing about food here unless it is in a positive sense- therefore cannot articulate anything fully. daily life of late has been all about satiety without food and experiencing hunger after the fourth bagless grocery store run. writing more about anorexia and typical eating disorder behaviors right now will just romance the quick deterioration of perspective.

i feel i am not supposed to blog about the stock market in case i appear to be bragging. this is a new episode of my blog. different people are reading. i don't have a history on this domain. readers don't know where it is i am coming from. they don't know how long i grew up in poverty, in the woods, without electricity, without running water... always cold and always hungry. it's funny how my life is completely different, yet identical, for better and worse.

it doesn't matter but it does.

i need to make myself use this as an outlet again even if it sounds like some other place with topics that make people scrunch their noses. the year was over, not the ordeal, so here it will continue.

the bamboo hill chalets on tioman island, malaysia, do not offer hot water showers or air conditioning, but then again, i am not looking for a five-star resort in which to waste my time. they do provide repellent, mosquito coils, and nets to sleep under. the malaysian ringget rate of exchange could offer a luxurious stay at the berjaya tioman beach resort for very few us dollars, but i am looking for a quaint and quiet week away from the needing-to-be-waited-on tourist crowd.

backpacker-rustic, repleat with a veranda and ceiling fan, was decidely perfect until i confirmed some venomous fears:

twenty five species of snakes are recorded on the palau tioman, including the reticulated python...

no sweat.

grass green whip snake...

tsk, that just sounds cartoon colored and dangerous.

common black cobra...

i know, but, okay wait a minute here.

king cobra and variable reed snake...

all right, back the truck up.
i don't see the word relax in my future.
so what!?
there are poisonous snakes all over south east asia.
what am i going to do, go hiking in tall grass?
of course not.

so, merely the common black cobra? yeah, i know and have known, but how to even try to sleep at a 'rustic' place, one without sealed windows and doors, if--- i can't even think about it. now, if that makes me, a solo blonde american traveling in non-advisable muslim countries during war-time, a wuss... fine. i am a cobra wuss.

this blog just doesn't fit right.

which one of the following statements is false?:

a) a gluten-free, non-dairy rice dream product was attempted, digested, and i did not experience any mental or physical distress.

b) today i am meeting with a lawyer to sign papers which technically bind me to a recording contract.

c) yesterday, while holding a strategically placed inner-tube, i was photographed on the beach wearing nothing but sunblock, a tiny bikini bottom, and an nbc military issue gas mask which was attached to a six-point head harness.

d) i slept.

e) 'paws the loudmouthed cat' has a territorial marking issue of either behavioral or medical concern, and has decided to soil five new pairs of leather shoes with his urine.

i trekked to the mailbox to haul the demos home. an illiterate person or two will send me a typical film reel and request an interview, but i have been getting a great selection of short film music submissions. these range from highly professional press packages to urgently burned cd-r's with only a telephone number markered onto the disc. some are boring, others are entertaining, but i never know what to with the discs which are clearly inappropriate for my project. here's one:

dear folks:
folk rap, folk implosion, now for some folk metal! i met these boys out in tuba city when we were lookin' for some turquoise to mine and sell for our boutique record label. i said, "boys! fat drunk and stoopid is no way to go through life. you outta move out to los angeleees and start playin' some shows!" now w/further ado i introduce to you all the way from tuba city, arizona w/a little bit of jagger richards, some lennon mccartney and a whole lotta simon and garfunkel - !!! --dave delacroix and the deadbeat scrolls. i'm sure you're gonna like it.
all the best,
bill the rake houston

random ridiculousness:

southern california has been experiencing extremely windy conditions. chalk it up to my huge coat taking on a role of a sail, but the other day while i was out for my walk, i was physically blown down to the sidewalk by these late season santa ana winds.

this entry would have been posted sooner but the laughing, bleeding, and katabatic gusts have just stopped tonight.

the more i force myself to come out of my shell and make connections with people, the more i understand why i had once taken that screaming free fall away from society. considering how isolated i once lived, revealing anything about myself feels as though a crime is being committed or that i am in the process of compromising intimate information. at this current time, i mostly only feel interrogated by people.

am i supposed to want to be popular? am i to desire social interaction? i don't miss chatting on the phone with friends at night. i don't enjoy meeting people in public. am i supposed to want connectivity? do i want this blog's link to appear on other web sites? "do not automatically include me," i think. "your opinion of me means nothing. what is important, is that no one asked my opinion of you. perhaps i do not appreciate you, and in that case, why would i want to be linked on your site?" i have spent endless hours fearing that people will not like me, and now find out that they accept me. that's nice, but... i am beginning to have to ability to not accept everything regardless of expense. i am finding out that i don't have to return any enjoyment.

why do people think they are automatically accepted into *my* group?"

when people send questions to me over e-mail, my introversion kicks in hard and i want to say "stop bothering me" or "why don't you know the answer?" the shyness and anxiety becomes oppressive and could easily anger many people. it makes me want to say the rudest statements, such as "your complacency is written all over your body and it bothers the hell out of me" or "the more i improve, the more you appear to be a waste of space, why would i want to be around it" and "i used to think i was a waste of flesh, but now i cannot discern what you have available to offer the world."

there's this houseparty tomorrow and- blush
there's this girl- stammer
and
i'll be sitting home painting my toenails
using a thesaurus to make smarmy mix-tapes
acting open-mouthed and pre-teen.

after supplying motherfigure with the itinerary for my upcoming trip to singapore and malaysia, well... of course one cannot expect to receive a typical response:

> you need to think about acquiring the strange pneumonia
> be concerned about pandemic flu which is expected and overdue

> asia prophylaxis: mefloquine, chloroquine plus proguanil.

> we are preparing for it and for bio-terrorism at the hospital.
> keep me up to date on your adventure.

she works in hospital administration and is an infectious diseases and infection control specialist (neonatology). her fears are automated, and i may have a disabling illness, but the conflict is: i last bought a tissue to sop up my own common cold in january of 1990.

leather iraq and lithe chirac can't you give me a little glitter there, kitty clavicle? speculating men will grain or hiccup on t-max oh who entertains the troops while the blondes get lighter and i'm proud to be here lauding is hard to find so portra veils vivid sequence and we all mispronounce.

help, i'm bored outta my frikkin' gourd.

supercilious | faithless | reluctant

wednesday is never a reason to breathe and i still find myself transferring the tone | the onerous disposition | i am no one but i cause a lot of disruption and own an oven-cleaner headache while looking to finance the map | i have not lost my mind | i am reassembling | please have patience for the current spin-dizzy state of unstructure will hopefully soon pass.

i am nervous having just booked a few trips. i'm trying to tell myself to calm down except it is not working... hello!? i am not leaving today, calm down- but my heart won't slow. in april i'm going to seattle for a ridiculous job, tokyo/singapore/malaysia to relax, and then hawaii for more work. depending on the situation i will try to travel to bali while in southeast asia. separate from those three trips, i am looking for mileage runs to singapore and frankfurt for this month.

calm down.
calm down.
calm down.

mileage run: a series of flights taken in a very short amount of time, solely for the purpose of accumulating frequent flyer miles.

speaking of travel, i am currently obsessed with the pearl beach resort in bora bora, but after a few days of diving and without a marriage-caliber boyfriend, that place might not hold my interest too long. fiji was gorgeous but bora bora looks interesting too.

real time stock quotes stream by but i continuously refresh about twice a minute and this stress is making me crazy. if i didn't live in this complex i could picture myself yelling at my computer monitor. "Down, Down, Down, Yes Yes Yes, NOOOOO!!! since i have neighbors, mostly i just sit here tapping my legs and then occasionally mutter to the screen.

i sold thousands of shares of a tech stock last week, and today it is up three dollars a share. grumble. $3 x thousands = but it's only play money, isn't it? it seems like it because i barely care. i started trading a few years ago with $200 and 20 shares so i don't feel i have invested myself where i need to be serious... all shares i have purchased since then have stemmed from earnings on my original $200. stress is incredible, yet it doesn't matter. if i lose it all, no matter how much i earn, i will have only lost $200. it is like a strange video game in which i am too apprehensive to lose- i can just press pause by selling.

damn nasdaq.
damn stocks.
it's an obsession
[never say addiction]
i could use a few good tips.

i sold every share of stock last week right before they all dropped and threw it all into oil conglomerates... only a small profit after a few nervy hours, so i got out of there but now i don't have any holdings. when the war starts stocks will hopefully begin to go on sale. the thing is, i sit here every sunday night researching stocks until the opening bell, and in the morning i'm only going to sit here and watch everyone. it is the wrong day to play and i'm safe, but i still can't sleep.

>when you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
> regards,
> another stranger

i don't know what my goals are yet and i think i should have them not only planned out, but i should already be swimming in them. it's been a month but my slothy plans are to find a non-reactive sunscreen and possibly take a shower tomorrow.

i have been avoiding the physical aspects of being a person for a long time because i was at the point where just about anything would make me feel bad, and really, how the hell could i get any sicker? so i have been avoiding things that might make me think about bodies: television, movies, magazines, females, daylight, clothes. i deleted a month's worth of posts between the middle of february to the middle of march and i noticed that i often mentioned that i was having difficulties with breathing. i am also having a painful posture and if anyone is set up for osteoporosis, it's me. strength training. how can you tell someone who just stopped running four hours a day that they need some exercise? i'm going to hurt my own feelings but i have to build some bone mass and maybe the training will also help my equilibrium.

some other ideas:

...to go out, to see people and talk with them, possibly doing things outside of my comfort level on this side of the world. to socialize in regular settings like a shopping mall (horror), movies (horror2), restaurant (horror3), and not hide behind a vip access pass to feel legitimately allowed to be out at a show (horror4).

...to feel allowed in general and to keep basic necessities in life or to keep a lifestyle parallel to what i earn without guilt.

...to figure out how to eliminate the i-am-the-world's-ugliest-monster mentality. it's a scar so get over it, or get it repaired and chalk it up to vanity. pick one option or at least learn to talk about it... some type of biblical blockage here keeping me from action but i don't even go to church.

...sleep. i need to sleep more than 12 hours a week and i believe that food and depression problems might, just might even out a little more. so how can i sleep more when i can't fall asleep? i only sleep when i get a lot of exercise. mm-hmm.

i'd rather have concrete goals: by a certain date i will have this much money and have been to singapore twice and my father's hot rod engine will have started plus i will earn another useless degree... and if i'm ahead of schedule, i will even clean the carpet. yes, certainly i would rather have concrete goals.

- because i can do anything.
- because i insist.
- because i read about myself and always see _______ attached to my name.

- as though it matters.
- as though it means something.
- as though blogging here is any different than blogging there.

- do i really have to leave a note and link the old space to the new?

the readers who were following along didn't need a note but i wasn't prepared for the slew of new people who would stumble upon my former blog during its last two or three days. they panicked. they sent me their telephone numbers in case i needed a person to talk to. i returned to read a very uplifting post which was the last entry but it appears that almost a year long progression of integration has been psychoanalyzed by undergraduates, and misappropriated to read that my time was a detailed and diligent demise in many minds.

first: my writing is not that good.
second: some people romanticize everything.

i almost called one telephone number just to hear the voice before disconnecting-
as though i could hear a thousand scared thoughts with just one hello.

there is so much to say about the ending of the old blog but i am lacking in patience and tact tonight.

change is supposedly good, even if at first it is overwhelming and lonely here. i don't appreciate the unstructured freedom that comes with this second blog. the concise font, new layout, a lack of color- if this is my new house i may not want to live in chapter two.

here begins the difficult task of trying to understand another person.