ocd behaviors are beginning to flourish and interfere with daily life. what was once a simple effort in typing, now is a process of performance. keystrokes have additional steps-- not only are they extra, but specific. ocd is also messing with the pace of steps i take while walking. it is unclear if the subsequent trichotillomania [in this case 'eyelash pulling,' an impulse control disorder] relates more toward ocd or anxiety, but as a ritual, it pretty much goes unnoticed. it's the aftermath which is sparse, annoying, highly noticeably, and defeating.
over the last few months, i have occasionally considered trying to take a medicine, but have been concerned with allergic reactions and side effects. in the past, i have not tolerated any prescription antidepressants for longer than a two week trial.
another concern is whether or not a trace of the antidepressant medicine may show up or interfere with a federal employment drug screening. they will require drug testing. does it even matter if the lab locates an antidepressant? perhaps there is a concealed code in regard to antidepressants and other psychiatric medications relating to the job, as in 'a positive result for any psychoactive drug is grounds for automatically disqualification.' then again, might i be accelerating an unnecessary paranoia? this is a sought after, lucrative position, and i actually want nothing to interfere with signing on to the job.
it has been five years since an honest attempt with a prescription. i tried over the counter kava kava supplements but the effect was something similar to being three quarters of the way asleep-- somewhat aware, yet unable or unwilling to rouse enough to get up. for the most part, except for a short time on zoloft, antidepressants have offered immediate, horrible experiences.
in reflection, revealing the side effects could supplement a comedy script to this blog: growling, nostril-flaring anger, forced deep breathing while desperately trying to restrict violent intentions, nightmares, "daymares", trying to speak through clenched teeth... there were situations where friends stayed home from work due to sudden suicidality and the unsure behavior i exhibited. out of rage, i knocked my boyfriend down with my car while trying out a tricyclic antidepressant called
amitriptyline, and also experienced nightmares bad enough to remain awake for a week while on that pill. for many weeks after abandoning the medicine (and the idea that a general practitioner should have authority to prescribe these pills), i would experience night terrors and wake up ecstatic to merely live in an abusive situation.
there was a lame attempt with two or three different tricyclics. these were prescribed before ssri antidepressants became the predominant choice. my general practitioner thought to 'cure' anorexia by supplying me with medicine which made me ravenously hungry. of course, he never suggested the pills would cause this reaction. i could never tolerate, or, people around me couldn't tolerate those pills for longer than a few days. the funny thing is, anorexia "loves" feeling hungry and the plan backfired. i always lose weight when taking medicine that increases hunger.
zoloft, on the other hand, was the tablet i once tolerated for approximately two weeks. zoloft stopped the trichotillomania immediately and starting with the morning after my first dose, i was able to make clearer decisions. all of the "garbage" which ordinarily compounds thoughts and restricts actions fell away. after a week, i noticed more hair fall than normal, and an itchy rash, and so my physician gave me a sample of paxil.
within three days, paxil brought on what should have been an emergency room visit, but i suffered through the terror at home with family. the paxil was discontinued immediately. it is not recommended to abandon an ssri, rather it is suggested a patient slowly titrate the dose down to nothing. the suicidality experienced during the withdrawal was hell.
needless to say, i fear the violence brought on by tricyclic antidepressants, and the suicidality which is revealed when taking an ssri preparation.
since the most positive experience of all points to zoloft, tonight i took a quarter of an expired pill. the bottle is dated 1/26/02. that's very odd--the date. my doctor had prescribed it in case i ever wanted to try it again.
i remember observing the workers at the kaiser permanente pharmacy were milling about in confusion over my presentation of the prescription. the physician's directions stated to take one quarter of the smallest available pill, and this incidental dose led the pharmacist to believe this prescription was meant for my child. perhaps it had been inadvertently written out in my name? the other prescription i supplied to the technician was for a large dose of a controlled substance-- xanax, a benzodiazepine. unfortunately, the xanax offers me a paradoxical reaction consisting of increased agitation and anxiety rather than fun. into the cookie jar it went to sit next to the collection of zoloft.
i experienced an allergic reaction after testing out tom's of maine toothpaste this morning. other sensitive people with celiac disease who post to a 'gluten free living' forum suggested it worked for them without incident. who is to guess what the offending ingredient or excipient is now? my gums are on fire which makes it feel like my teeth are loose enough to fall out of my mouth (but they are not loose at all). hopefully my face will swell up as to mentally keep them in place. now it's become one of those days i don't want to do anything but sit around and scratch my arms and jawline.
there are drunk people falling into the pool so the annual airing of the superbowl must be over-- time to slam the windows shut. it was 90'F today.
